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If the sparkles from a crazy diamond could speak words, they'd say every single thing Paz de la Huerta said in her interview with The New York Times. The glorious goddess of grease who always looks like she's got the whiskey wakes had a few words for her haters (including her own sister) and talked about the time that the spirit of Elvis' finger banged her at Graceland. Spaz has got the crazy of Courtney Love and the ice cold conceitedness of January Jones. Everything that comes out of her insane mouth hole just makes me scream YES!

On the second season of Boardwalk Empire and how chicks throw daggers at her bare nipples with their tongues: "I can’t share much about the show, but hopefully some of these women who resent me for being naked or in little to nothing will be pleased that I’m knocked up, and they’ll pay attention to the performance. Women have said the most malicious, disgusting things about me. But I know that when somebody comments about you, good or bad, it is 99 percent of the time their projection of how they feel about themselves. Even my own sister treats me worse than somebody would treat a rat. She actually likes rats, so worse than that."

On how her older sister tried to murder her when she was a fetus: "Even when I was in my womb she used to punch my mother’s stomach. She did not want me born. I’m working on my relationship with my mother and father, but my upbringing has been very destructive. They’re all Scorpios — my mother, my father and my sister."

On how she got ghost fucked by Elvis: "I was with my ex-boyfriend [Scott Weiland] and had to beg him to go to Graceland. I felt like he was jealous of Elvis because I’ve always been infatuated by him, which is hysterical because he’s passed away. So I went to his recording studio because sometimes the sensitive people feel him in this room, and I stood in this corner and I felt him. What can I say? I felt him touch me. I mean, come on, he’s a ghost. I felt his spirit go through me and give me pleasure. I experienced that when my cat died. She waited until I got home from Sundance, and she passed away the second she was in my arms, and I felt her spirit go through my body. But this was different. It was like Elvis was tickling me with a feather."

See what I mean? Accusing her sister of trying to commit abortion via bump punching? Making us imagine the spirit of Elvis in the body of Whoop Goldberg, tickling at her coochie while Scott Weiland slurs out "Unchained Melody." Crazy ass Spaz is always talking like she's a hungover shithouse rat (the one rat her sister hates) who really needs a fucking cigarette. I hope Spaz's vocal cords work forever so she can keep spitting out magical crap like this.

To quote my abuelita while watching one of her novellas: PERRA LOCA!

How would you like to be married to someone for a few years and have sex only a handful of times. Well, that is exactly the type of marriage a former A list movie actress and Academy Award winner/nominee has with her celebrity husband. They do always seem a little strained. Maybe a quickie would help. (CDAN)

Two things: Isn't this how most marriages play out and how the hell do they know? Did they hear it straight from the horse's vagina? Or in this case, the fish's vagina, because I'm going to go with Chris Martin and Fishsticks Paltrow? He's a big cunt and she's always got her head up her ass, so that makes it hard for them to do it. Not worth the effort. If this is them, it explains everything.

This A list singer recently broke up with her celebrity boyfriend because she was cheating on him and he found out. Hey, it happens and probably not blind item worthy. However, it is who she was cheating on him with that caused all the drama. Lets just say the entire world would freak out if they knew this singer was having sex with this other singer. Oh yeah, this will be revealed. Don't you worry about that. (CDAN)

Let's just say it's Charo and Tom Jones, and not RiRi and Chris Brown.

This famous celebrity designer was at a dinner party the other night on the East Coast with other rich and powerful and when a hair was found in his food, he threw the plate, dinner and all, at the waiter who ended up not pressing charges, but needing stitches. (BuzzFoto)

Kunty Karl only eats hair, so it's not him. Tom Ford's only disciplinary action of choice is a dignified slap to the face with a leather glove, so it's not him either. Diddy by default!

Elizabeth Taylor will throw a mean side-eye from heaven that will throw shade over most of L.A. today, because JLo is scooting up to her record by making Skeletor her third ex-husband after 7 years of marriage. Yes, Castle Greyskull will be filled with sacrificial virgins a fucking plenty tonight, because Skeletor is back on the prowl for good. JLo and Skeletor announced to People that they are legally quitting each other and breaking their vows the same way he breaks a brittle hip bone when he tries to thrust too hard during a show.

"We have decided to end our marriage. This was a very difficult decision. We have come to an amicable conclusion on all matters.

It is a painful time for all involved and we appreciate the respect of our privacy at this time."

Skeletor has a face like a zombie's ass and living with JLo is probably as pleasant as getting a rim job from a shark, but I thought these two would love forever or until Jason Stackhouse shoots Skeletor in front of Tara. They were acting all happy like with The Dragon Tales Twins just a month or two ago. Some ESCANDALOSO shit must've been the stake in the heart of their marriage. Now I'm not saying that the blind item about a singer allegedly Ike Turner-ing and cheating on his singer/actress wife is true, but I'm still going to light a Santa Guadalupe candle and pray one of his side whores doesn't sell a picture of his dick bone to The National Enquirer.

And, well, at least JLo can go back to her first love. No, not attention. I'm talking about Diddy! Ugh. My fingers barfed from typing that out.

Which one is Halle Berry and which one is Olivier Martinez? - Popsugar

Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man with someone they say is Emma Stone but does not look like Emma Stone to me - Lainey Gossip

Nice sports bra, asshole - The Superficial

Rachel Bilson wore a pink robe yesterday, is wearing a blue robe today. Such a fucking chameleon. (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Koala in a sweater vest. That is all. - The Daily What

John Travolta wants to be inside this heaven - Towleroad

How many Fraggles were skinned for Kristin Calamari's swimsuit - Hollywood Tuna

So, I guess Jennifer Aniston's publicist had lunch with the National Enquirer again - Celebitchy

Cassi from Big Brother looks hot - Popoholic

Eva Longoria is about to add "multiple Razzie award winner" to her resume - ICYDK

This must be Scarlet Takes A Tumble's uncle - Videogum

Derek Hough finds a restaurant in L.A. that doesn't follow the "No Shirts, No Service" rule - Just Jared

Still pregnant: Jenna Fischer is - The Berry

Corey Feldman dance party - Cityrag

Bitch Got Fired via Twitter: The Chris Colfer Edition - OMG Blog

Carla Bruni confirms the obvious - I'm Not Obsessed

Do you think when trash gets trashed it says, "I got Ke$had last night!" - Hollywood Rag

(Image via INFDaily.com)

This is how Fox 5 Morning News should start every morning. This is how whatever is left of my brain starts every morning too.

via Towleroad

Remember the story from last month that made your skin crawl into your happy place? Well, it's back! 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson, the actor who is most famous for playing a 1930s prison guard, and his 16-year-old child wife Courtney Stodden, whose face looks like it's been marinating in a prison cell since the 1960s, sat down with Good Morning America's Lara Spencer to tell their side of the story that made Woody Allen bust out a thumbs up. Let me lay down the facts according to Creep Face and Ole' Whore Face before I get into Courtney's bizarre orgasm eyes during the entire interview.

- Courtney met the creeper who looks like he nom nom noms on the crotch part of dirty panties when she signed up for one of his acting classes online. Doug says he didn't know Courtney was born in 1995 at the time. Courtney says she made the first move, because she thought he was so "handsome." They kept their relationship strictly an online thing for months.

- Doug says he never broke any laws and Chris Hansen never poured him a glass of iced tea, because he never did cyber sex shit with Courtney. Even after they met, they kept their clothes on. Courtney says she's a strict Christian girl and was saving herself for marriage. Courtney's pimp of a mom who puts White Oprah's child selling game to shame approved of her daughter's relationship with Doug from the very beginning. Apparently, Krista Stodden is the one who told them they should get married with her consent. Krista says she could feel their love in heart from the beginning. Somewhere Roman Polanski is on his knees, praying that Krista will give birth to another daughter that he can marry in 15 years.

- Good Morning America was given a copy of Courtney's birth certificate and verified that she's 16. Courtney denies having plastic surgery and Doug says her rode hard, put away wet face was made from the hands of God. Courtney had to drop out of school, because she was constantly bullied by jealous girls. Courtney now takes courses at some online Christian school.

- Courtney says she's not a gold digger and is not using Doug to further whatever career she thinks she has. If marrying Doug makes her star, then that's just another gift. But if it doesn't, Courtney will be with him forever. Of course, they're currently trying to get a reality show deal.

Yes, their story is like a performance art piece built around the word "disturbing," but what was even more fucked up is Courtney practically licking Doug's nasty face with her eyes during the entire interview. Push me through a Silkwood car wash, because this interview was the epitome of gross. This is what a porn version of Mannequin called Blow-up Doll would look like. Because Courtney acted the way a dude would want his blow-up doll to act if it came alive. It's hilarious in a tragic way watching an alleged 16-year-old giggle and try to make hardcore sex faces. Courtney makes a dying trout gasping for air look sexy.

Or maybe Courtney is drugged as all hell, because she does make me want to hold my 8-ball closer. It's as if Casey Anthony handed her a sneeze cloth just minutes before this interview.

And yes, I've already added their future reality show to my Tivo Wish List.

via Washington Post (Thanks Lisa)

I always thought that Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis looked like two fat white babies in a headbutting contest. I blog corrected. It was Bruce Willis the whole time.

Source: Flying Scotsman via Best Week Ever

Here's Ryan Gosling struttin' his ass away from a bunch of gawkers who are ooh-ing and aah-ing at how awesome it is that every time they watch the hipster ninja walk away, a song by a band they've never heard of plays in their head and their tongue suddenly feels like it just licked the foam off of a can of Pabst. Seriously, when Ryan struts, a wannabe hipster gets his first skinny jeans.

It was just a regular day in the life for Ryan Gosling in NYC yesterday. Ryan made like a moose face to the paps during an iced tea break and then posed for the default Facebook profile picture of a handful of fans. Meanwhile, Ryan's Benji dog rolled his eyes on the inside wishing that his owner would stop mean mugging at the paps so that they'd go away and he can caca on the sidewalk in peace without the world knowing what his shit looks like. Think of Benji dog for once, Ryan.

Casey Anthony is locked up in jail until this Sunday, but the voices inside Shireen Nalley's head didn't let her in on that little fact. News9.com reports that rage and revenge took over Shireen's crazy gene when she walked into a convenience store in Chouteau, Oklahoma on Friday night and spotted Sammay Blackwell working behind the counter. Police say that Shireen thought she was looking into the murderous eyes of an acquitted baby murderer. Shireen paid for her gas and calmly walked out. Sammay got a weird vibe from Shireen but didn't think anything of it. Insert Suspense Cat here.

After Sammay's shift ended, she got into her car and was about to make her way home to her daughter named (insert Suspense Cat: The Sequel here) CAYLEE! (Do not whisper that piece of information to any of Shireen's personalities.) When Sammay turned her head to back out, she saw the crazy burning white fire into Shireen's eyes. Sammay backed out and drove away, but Shireen wasn't going to let "Casey Anthony" off that easy. Shireen rammed her car into Sammay's truck causing it to flip over two and a half times. Sammay played dead in her truck until the police showed up.

The police think Shireen was high on the bad shit and one officer claims that she said she hit Sammay's truck to "save the children" and stop "the killing of babies." Sammay believes that Shireen thought she was Casey Anthony.

Shireen was charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon, leaving the scene of a vehicle collision, resisting arrest, reckless driving and for believing that all white people look the same.

First of all, Sammay is a really hot name and that's what I'd name my next dog if I wasn't afraid that Shireen would run over it with her car. Second of all, my nutsack looks more like Casey Anthony than Sammay does. Third of all, Giada DeWhatever better change her face STAT because it looks more and more likely that Casey Anthony will go under the knife to look like her.

Fourth of all, I didn't think I'd ever say this to a black woman ever, but I'm mistaking Shireen for Nancy Grace right about now. Yes, Shireen sort of looks like Kyle Massey, but her Nancy Grace gene is the dominant one.

via Slate

I don't know how or why this happened, but for the past few days Prison Break's Dominic Purcell and 90210's Annalynne McCord have been canoodling, handnoodling, mouthnoodling, crotchnoodling and doing every other kind of noodling all over Los Angeles. 41-year-old Dom, who is a father of quatro, got a divorce 3 years ago and 24-year-old (tomorrow) Annalynne recently pushed her chocha away from giant muscle Kellan Lutz. And now Dom and Annalynne are the couple that random purged up.

Everybody's gotta feed their genitals and put dick on the table, so the only thing I can hate on for now is Dom's battle against the hot. Staches and undermouth clit buffers work for some, but it doesn't work for Dom. Dude looks like a trust fund hipster trying to look like a Midwestern gas station clerk who masturbates into taxidermy boxes. It's not working. Dom needs to get into some shave love and let his octagon jaw be great!

Here's more of random's favorite couple of the week hugging on the ho stroll after Annalynne got bikini egged on the set of 90210.