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Kim Kardashian will make the bowels of hell churn out bubbles of victory when she marries that dude whose soul will be sucked into her big fat ass for the rest of eternity in a couple of months, and her mother Pimp Mama Kris Jenner wants to look as fresh as a wax mannequin's taint for the occasion.

So the owner of the womb that created 3 attention sucking monsters got the Kim Kardashian Special by pulling and yanking at her face. Since Pimp Mama Kris can't even drop a piss without the red light on a camera staring at her, her facelift will be on an episode of her show Krapping In The Kardashians. You know, each episode of that mess should be in black and white and narrated by Rod Sterling, because getting your face cut up on camera is some Twilight Zone shit. Anyway, Pimp Mama Kris got tapped with the scalpel about a month ago and E! has the rest of the details I know your ass cares about:

"I don't want to die," Kris joked, kind of, after calling it the "most stressful morning" of her life.

"Don't cry, you're going to be fine," Kim assured her mom.

So, what was she having done?

One look at the ever youthful Jenner and it's clear she wasn't exactly in need of a physical overhaul, so she opted only for a mini facelift, getting a little nip/tuck work done around her neck and eyes.

If you woke up next to Bruce Jenner's Michael Myers mask face and the Halloween theme song played in your head as you pissed fear into your pajama chonies every morning, wouldn't you wear pajama diapers to bed instead of pajama chonies? And also, wouldn't you be scared straight off the plastic surgeon's scalpel forever?! Seriously, I wouldn't even use that anti-aging cream shit out of fear that my pores will pucker and I'll look like a piece of freeze dried chicken paillard. Bruce face's will do that to a bitch. But not Kris! I guess the female Larry Dallas wants the entire Kardashian family to look like a row of Chinatown money cats at Kim's dumb ass wedding.

Above is a pre-lifted Kris with Bruce Jenner back in May and below is Kris with Vera Wang on June 30th.

via WOW Report

One of them has the internal lady parts of a dilapidated Super 8 off the highway and the other one, strangely, has the same internal lady parts but for totally different reasons! Lady Famewhore lit up her torch bright last night when OctoMom and Frenchy from Rock of Love came together to celebrate the former's birthday at the House of Blues in West Hollywood last night. Yes, OctoMom left her 14 million kids at home to fend for themselves and eventually slobber each other's faces off while she slobbered on a cupcake next to a delicate French flower who probably slobbered on a cumcake just a couple of hours before.

The truth is, this is a bizarre pairing. I know Frenchy is so damn greasy that she always looks like she fell out of something's vagina, but still.

Octo told Howard Stern that she doesn't think she's ever put a peen in her mouth. Octo prefers all jizz to enter her body through a turkey baster. She's old-fashioned like that. And then there's Frenchy who burps up coagulaged cum balls, which is why she'll always be one of my favorite Rock of Love hos. I mean, what do they have in common besides a thirst for tiny spreads in Life & Style and camera flashes? Whatever. I hope this relationship blossoms into something beautiful and Frenchy becomes like a second mother to those kids. They could be like the insane whore version of Kate & Allie.

Father Andrés García Torres, a Spanish Catholic priest, is in danger of losing his position at his parish in Madrid after Bishop Getafe saw this picture of him hugging on a young Cuban seminarian and declared that some ESCANDALOSO Oh-mo-sex-oo-ahl-ish shit must be going on. If two dudes are side hugging in a picture it must mean that they were just side fucking until the stained glass windows blew out, obviously.

Bishop Getafe is so sure that the hot piece on the left made the sign of the father, the son and the holy ghost on Father Andrés' asshole with his peen that the bishop is calling for the father's resignation, a psychiatric evaluation and an HIV test. Father Andrés Unibrow denies the shit that is coming out of Bishop Getafe's mouth and says that his madre is wailing through the streets about this. Father Andrés will travel to Rome to try to prove that he's just friends with the seminarian and that the bishop is pushing him out of his parish without any proof. And then the literary angels cried when Father Andrés said this:

" Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated."

I was about to clutch my pearls with my hands, but one of the lips of my way too dilated anus just reached around, crawled up and did it for me. Let's translate this work of poetry into Google Spanish and see if it has the same effect:

"Vamos a medir mi ano y ver si se dilata."

This time both of my anus lips clutched my pearls! And I thought that Lindsay Lohan's "move that cone" line was the quote of the week, but nope. "Let them measure my anus" is the new "Show me the receipts!"

This reminds me of something one of my friends said. He said that b-holes are sort of like tree trunks: you can tell how long they've been around by how many rings (or lines) they have. Oh, hell, I have probably the mighty oak of assholes. If you peered into it, you'd probably see the face of a wise old woman who would tell you to follow your heart and dance through the colors of the wind. Then you'd bring your white ship captain to meet the old lady in my asshole and ask for her approval. NO GRACIAS. That is why Father Andrés is braver (and less dilated in the anus) than me, because I'd never let anyone closely examine my Grandmother Willow asshole under bright lights.

And Bishop Getafe ain't shit! That shady bitch is up to something. I bet that Bishop Getafe will take Father Andrés up on that offer and show up to the anus measuring ceremony with ruler marks on his peen. I see you, Bishop Getafe!

via Free Thinker (Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)

"Move that cone. I'm Lindsay Lohan!" - The Superficial

It's normal that a topless Colin Farrell holding a child puts you into a confusion state between fapping and awwwww-ing - Lainey Gossip

Cher will do Caca - Towleroad

What a used mesh tampon would look like if it mutated into a human - Hollywood Tuna

Ruuuun, St. Angie Jo's clit is on the prowl! - The Daily What

Peter wanted to run his O'Toole on Ryan Gosling's sistah - Celebitchy

What a KFed fart looks like - The Berry

Taylor Lautner, Gus Van Zant and Dustin Lance Black all walk into a bar together... - Just Jared

You know it's permanent love when you can share skinny jeans - ICYDK

There is so much ugliness in this world (just look at every post below) that you should bathe your eyes in perfection (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Rachel Bilson in a pink robe. Or is it a pink robe over Rachel Bilson? - Popoholic

Ashley Jizzdale is back to blonde. Or is it blonde is back to Ashley Jizzdale? - Hollywood Rag

Oh, look at Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen being so in love, and charming, and picturesque and shit. Barf in all their faces! - Popsugar

My Little Pony Snatchers (not stills from an SJP porn) - Cityrag

That's where Blake Shelton's career will be in a couple of years so I love the foreshadowing of his Tweet! - SOW

Beyonce's about to shit out a stack of copyright infringement lawsuits in 3...2 - OMG Blog

Either Shiloh just let one go or Angie Jo needs a mint, because Zahara's nose is obviously inhaling something foul - I'm Not Obsessed

The CHIN is tired - Crunk + Disorderly

On the left is a full bodied Jonah Hill looking like an unshaven fat lesbian going to an SNL theme party as Pat in March '10, and on the right is a de-chunked Jonah Hill at last night's ESPY Awards. DAMN is right. No wonder I had zero will to exercise this year (and every year), because this bitch stole it all. OF COURSE, Jonah dropped the chunk from diet and exercise, and not from getting his stomach bag Spanxed while snorting blow cut with Dexatrim in that body sauna from I Love Lucy.

Some say that when you lose weight in your body, you gain old in your face. Now I'm not saying that's what's going on here, but the Jonah of today does look like a ginger Eminem at his ITT Tech graduation. But I'm still going to say that NOW Jonah is hotter. I'm only saying that because I'm sure underneath that suit, Jonah's got a loose skin miniskirt and a back that looks like a Shar Pei puppy frowning. How can I deny a loose skin miniskirt and a sad Shar Pei puppy?

Weston Cage, the spawn of Nicolas Cage and Dementia (second GLOW reference of the day!), has earned half a dozen fuckery points for doing the following in the span of just a few weeks:

- Weston issued a goth prince beat down on his babysitter while having salads together. Two men in white coats threw a gigantic net over Weston and dragged him off to the crazy ward. The doctors promised to give him an Emily the Strange plastic lunchbox if he cooled the crazy. He did, and now guess which lucky boy keeps all his Urban Decay lash paints in an Emily the Strange lunchbox?

- Weston got arrested for fighting with his knocked up wife (who admitted to getting her fetus drunk during the fight) and later burped out some words of wisdom when he said that nobody should get married.

- While hanging out with the mother of his child in Hollywood last night, Weston showed us that he pulled some "Morticia Addams to Uncle Fester" shit by shaving all of his luxurious hair off and donating it to the Warlocks of Love.

Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that dude had a Brit Brit breakdown on basement-made meth. It took Weston just a few weeks to do what took Brit Brit a couple of months. We're all inpatient assholes, so don't you just love it when the crazy speeds up?

And Weston gave us a bonus last night when busted out some karate kicks in broken tap shoes and Hammer pants. Let's all back up, because nobody wants to mess with a goth genie who can kick an eyeliner pencil out of your hand and then use it to reapply his in the ladies room. Wax on, bitch!

If you're birthing out a baby this week and plan to name it either Corky Sherwood or Waldo Faldo, then you better copyright it now, because obviously the theme of the week is naming your kid after 90s sitcom characters. Posh & Becks already showed their love for George Costanza by naming their first daughter Harper Seven, and now Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy have shown us which Friends character is their favorite. No, not Smelly Cat. I wish. Matt Tweeted this immortal words that will haunt his son until the kid learns how to fill out a name-changing form on his own.

So happy! Just had a baby boy, Bingham "Bing" Hawn Bellamy. Born 7Ib 12Oz, on 9th July.

BINGHAM BING HAWN BELLAMY?! Your child's name should not sound like a tongue twisting exercise a theater geek does before taking the stage in their high school production of Pride & Prejudice. If you typed the name "Bingham Hawn Bellamy" into BING it will automatically direct you to the website thefuckiswrongwithyourstupidass.com. Ask Jeeves Hawn Bellamy would've been better since bitches only use BING to find free porn and cat pictures. Bing Bellamy was probably John Waters' first choice of a name for Corny Collins in Haispray.

But let me look at the bright side of things, if an O pushed the I out of the way and took its place, his name would be BONG BELLAMY. Doesn't that have a beautiful ring to it? Or maybe I inhaled my last toke too fast and I really am just hearing bells ring.

via ONTD

The Inception 2: The Dark Knight Rises trailer leaked this week, but the one trailer that has got me pressing the replay button like it's a G-spot is the one for Steven Soderbergh's unintentional (or totally intentional) remake of Outbreak called Contagion. Shit is about what would happen if a bird flu (probably from THIS bird) murdered most of the planet's population and blah..blah...blah. But way more importantly, we get to sit back and watch GOOP floppity flop flop to her death! To help Fishsticks get to that place, Steven Soderbergh told her to imagine Apple trying to cook a Stouffer's pizza in the wood-burning outdoor pizza oven in her garden. Aaaaand action!

Birds: 1 Fishies: 0

Giuliana Rancid looks like she should be carrying a piece of leaf on her back to the ant hill, but she tells the bone-hating bitches out there to kiss her wax paper-wrapped butt bone (just remove any lip gloss before doing so, because that shit might have calories and she doesn't want it to seep into her body). Giuliano (Freudian typo) got a lot of shit when a doctor told her she had to add at least 10 pounds of fat between her bone and skin if she wanted to get pregnant, and she only gained 5 because she's a slave to the treadmill. But Giuliana tells Celebuzz that her stomach is always full of at least half of a lemon seed and she eats whatever she wants (up to two lemon seeds).

Yeah. I went to Italy, and I consumed way too many calories a day, but I didn’t care. Bill and I made a deal on the plane over that we can’t say “no” to anything, including food. Like if Bill says, “Let’s have a crepe,” I can’t say no — even though I just had a gelato, and I’m full. We indulged like crazy for two weeks, but we took really long walks in the vineyards, and we stayed active. And when we got back to Los Angeles, we were back at Equinox the next day on the treadmill.

I eat whatever I want. I never starve myself. I eat five times a day — if not more. I workout every day and bust my butt to stay in shape, which can be six to seven days a week.

Okay, so now we can all stop going on about how Giuliana is the sole reason why Jenny Craig has seen a 90% rise in skeleton sign-ups. Giuliana works very hard to get her body looking like the human embodiment of an ANTZ character. So Giuliana's haters are just fat loooooosers (the troll spelling of "loser") who can't follow the Yackins diet!