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Ryan Murphy doesn't want to go the Beverly Hills 90210 route by following all the Glee kids to a local college in Ohio where they all miraculously join the show choir together and Sue Sylvester and that teacher with 1999 Justin Timberlake hair miraculously get the same job at the same school. Nope. Ryan Murphy wants Glee to be like real life!

You know, because in real high school life we all broke out into a Bruno Mars song in the middle of the hallway, the cafeteria served Slurpees, all the dudes were buff as shit and there was a teacher like Sue Sylvester who could be a cunt to a kid's face without being dragged to jail for acts of child meanery. Also, in real high school life, some of us graduated and that's exactly what Chris Colfer, Lea Michele and Cory Monteith are going to do at the end of season 3. Ryan put it like this to The Hollywood Reporter:

“You can keep them on the show for six years and people will criticize you for not being realistic, or you can be really true to life and say when they started the show they were very clearly sophomores and they should graduate at the end of their senior year.

We’ve never done anything by the book. We made that decision and I involved Chris and Lea and they thought that was a good idea. They both trust the writing and trust me and felt that it would be great to have an open and closed experience for them to go out while they were on top.”

So if you want to see a slow motion face seizure like the one Lea Michele makes when she hollers out, you'll have to find one elsewhere. (Tip: If you stick a mound of white Play-Doh in the microwave and watch it melt through the window, it's the same thing.) They'll all be fine. Cory will eventually become a gay erotica star on LOGO soap operas, Chris will become the boldest prostitot pimp at Disney, and Lea will end up in the slammer after she purposely trips her Broadway co-star into the orchestra pit during curtain call on their opening night, because she'll sense that all the claps were going to them!

And while that's happening, can Ryan Murphy PLEASE give every second of screen time to this sessy Oompa Loompa with Vitiligo from The Glee Project:

If Chippendales had actual chipmunks....

The pieces I've read from Plum Miami Magazine's article on Lindsay Lohan is what it would look like if delusion and ego simultaneously barfed on a sheet of crazy. A MESS! LiLo swung from the L of delusion the entire time. This mess has everything you could ever want from a Lindsay Lohan article and the bitch didn't even give an interview.

Just like what White Oprah should've done those many years ago, she pulled out. So writer Jacquelynn Powers had to make do with what LiLo gave her on the set of the photo shoot and it was just freckled gold covered in fuckery. LiLo started spewing the self-entitlement from the very beginning....

"As we pulled up to the Fontainebleau, a bright-orange parking cone was blocking the entrance. Not accustomed to waiting, apparently, she lowered the car's window and shouted, 'Move that cone. I'm Lindsay Lohan,'" Powers recalls. "And it was done."

You know the orange cone thought to itself, "Move that cunt. I'm actually useful."

But seriously, "Move that cone. I'm Lindsay Lohan." is the kind of beautiful poetry that made White Oprah put down her bowl of chardonnay and wipe a tear that mixed with the crusted remains of a kamikaze shot that splattered against her face when a bar back tried to do a shot off her neck the night before (BONUS!). It truly is a good line that should be etched into the asshole of Lindsay Lohan's tombstone. But the foolery didn't stop there....

Noting that Lohan drank wine while discussing her sobriety, Powers says the Mean Girls star was "constantly looking for drama, whether it was picking a fight with her younger sister...or freaking out over a lost pair of Zanotti heels."

In case you're wondering what a fight between The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and Blohan would look like, click here.

And here's the best part of this masterful act of delusion:

Frustrated with the state of her career, Lohan said she "took ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for the movie Black Swan," Powers adds.

Though Lohan abruptly canceled the interview, that didn't stop her from making the most out of her time in Miami. "Monday morning was supposed to be check-out time, but Lindsay and her posse refused to leave," Powers writes. "It was like watching the lights come on at a nightclub after-hours -- not pretty."

What. More. Is. There. To. Say? But Lindsay Lohan is right. Bitch should've been in Black Swan, and I'm not confusing Black Swan with Crack Swan either. You know that demon that fucks a load of nightmares into Natalie Portman's being? The first thing I thought after seeing that monster was, "Nope. Not scary enough. Should've been Lohan.... Should've been Lohan..."

via UsWeekly

This is not as random as pictures of Daddy Spears in a Velveeta-colored Speedo, but it's still pretty damn random. For some reason, 56-year-old Lynne Spears covered the holy vagine that pushed out the Frito-Lay messiah in a black one-piece and gave the paps a water show in some aquarium pool thing in Dallas, Texas on 7-11. Brit Brit's Cheetolings and Jamie Lynn's daughter also gave it their all in front of the cameras, but Mama Spears was the true star.

If Brit Brit ever has to do a photo shoot where the Photoshop budget is as thin as the two natural hairs on her scalp, then she should just throw a possum nest on Mama Spears' head and tell the photographer to go at it. I'll tell Brit Brit the same thing some nasty old delusional piece of shit hobo man told my me in the parking lot of a Rite-Aid last year: "That's your mom?! She looks better and younger than you do!" Motherfucker!

The second worst part (the first being that she cut off his fucking dick) of this Lorena Bobbit 2011 story isn't that her husband's garbage disposal dick is going to smell like lemon and chicken bones, it's that he's going to be called Becker the Wrecked Pecker for the rest of his days - The Daily What

George Clooney's eyebrows have entered the Jack Nicholson stage of their existence - Lainey Gossip

Miranda Kerr named her son Flynn after her dead ex-boyfriend, and no his name wasn't Errol Flynn - The Superficial

If the Smithsonian-worthy Slut Dress went on the Master Cleanse, it would look exactly like what's on Annalynne McWhatever's body - Hollywood Tuna

Do the US soldiers take requests, because I'd like to see them do Khia's "Put That Pussy On His Ass" - Towleroad

That trick whore who is only famous for screwing on David Arquette is trying to extend her 15 minutes by extending her mouth on a peen in a leaked sex tape (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Good luck with that, trollop - Celebitchy

Two words: Desperation Bloat - ICYDK

Snooki's "Gorilla Beach" is not be confused by the line of skincare for apes products that Theresa Giudice is going to put out - OMG Blog

The Sherlock Holmes 2: Game of RDJ's 5 o'clock Drag Shadow is here! - The Berry

What in the hell kind of GD outfit is Vivica Fox wearing? - Hollywood Rag

Channing Tatum is all bald headed now - Popsugar

When is somebody going to hand Xtina a giant plucker and let her know that those brows belong on a Count Chocula box? - Just Jared

Why, hello there, Ali Larter's fishnet chichis - Popoholic

The fact that Simon Cowell is built like a lactating Nord woman is accentuated by that pink sweater - I'm Not Obsessed

Potterfitti! - Cityrag

The fuck word has never sounded so adorable - The Hairpin

Casey Anthony will skip out into the world tomorrow and it pretty much goes without saying that her head is wanted on a plate. Specifically, a paper plate sitting on Nancy Grace's desk that has the words "RESERVED FOR CASEY ANTHONY'S HEAD" written in the blood that drips out of Nancy's hair whenever she thinks about the Tot Mom verdict. Because of this, some say that Casey is considering changing her name (Might I suggest Grace Nancy?) and getting an Extreme Makeover (Child Killer Edition) so that a mob doesn't lynch her face off every time she steps out to serve chloroform-tinis at her strip club waitress job.

Radar and Star are way ahead of Casey and they put together this priceless composite of what she might look like if she tried to nip and tuck the Alanis Morissette right off her face.

After hours upon hours of Radar's interns downloading a bootleg copy of Photoshop with most of the tools missing, they spent about 2 quick seconds coming up with this masterpiece! So now you know to keep your toddlers, duct tape supply and chloroform stash away from a Sim with Giada Laurentiis face and modern day Kimmy Gibbler hair. You've been warned.

Where's Waldo tried to start an all-out, fly flying fight at a Foo Fighters show and Dave Grohl let it be known that shit like that isn't going to happen on his watch. David told everyone that at a FF show, you use your legs to dance, not to kick a trick in the ass bone! You never fight at a FF show, even if foo himself is up in your face and giving you shit. After Dave got the striped shirt-wearing fighter motherfucker kicked out of the place, the band went on with the show like he didn't even exist! You know, like HIV!

via Buzzfeed

This Oscar-winning actor is losing his reputation as a ladies’ man and making waves for his advances toward men! The never-married star – who has a teenage daughter – has been raising eyebrows after hitting on his male buddies in public. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

All clues point directly to Jamie Foxx's succulent man pecs, but it is not Jamie Foxx! Jamie Foxx denied to Howard Stern a million years ago that he loves it when a little peen mouth suckles on his nipple. Jamie Foxx knows this because he can eat pizza in a shower room full of men and not feel a thing! In gay's defense, I wouldn't feel a thing either, because I'd be too busy making a sad over eating soggy ass pizza.

Maybe when Jamie Foxx said "pizza" he was really talking about Big Sausage Pizza (I'm not going to link that site since you obviously already have a subscription there).

WHICH recently split actress is dishing about her “horrible” ex-boyfriend with his Oscar-winning ex-wife?

The two women recently met at a Hollywood function and bonded over the B-list star’s shortcomings as a lover! (National Enquirer via CDAN)

Robin Wright Penn doesn't have an Oscar, so my first guess of her, ScarJo and Sean Penn is dead on arrival. Maybe Reese Witherspoon, Ryan Phillippe and Amanda Seyfried?

At a movie premiere Red Carpet event, our source claims they saw this B List, married movie actor getting ‘serviced’ by a mystery male in a car right before the event….. (BuzzFoto)

I went through pictures from all the recent movie premieres (Horrible Bosses, Harry Potter, Transformers, Bad Teacher, Winnie the Pooh, Cars 2, etc...) and I've got nothing. Unless, Winnie the Pooh's secret gay marriage to Eeyore is recognized by the Ashdown Forest........

The reporters at UsWeekly gathered around the Four Loko cooler on Friday afternoon and brain farted about whether or not this week's cover should be dedicated to Pippa Middleton's ass throughout the months, or to a classic: the Brangelina wedding! Since it's been way too long since a Brangeloonie slipped a tabloid cover into the Brangelina wedding book they hug and lick whenever the stresses of life turn their crazy up (aka when a Horrible Bosses commercial come on TV), UsWeekly decided to throw them a boner! A truthful boner, of course.

Who cares if Brad Pitt swore he'd never EVER marry St. Angie until he can legally marry her in every state after she gets a sex change (I might be paraphrasing). Who do you believe? Brad Pitt or USWeekly? Put on your Jennifer Aniston ears and then you'll get your answer. Exactly. The quality that is "honesty" is stored in our brain's sensitivity chip and we all know Brad doesn't have any of those! From UsWeekly:

The "I do's" could take place at their newly renovated Chateau Miraval in Correns, France (conveniently featuring a 16th-century chapel) -- but don't expect a lavish bash in the manner of Pitt's $1 million nuptials in 2000 to Jennifer Aniston.

This super-couple's wedding "would be intimate and informal," one insider says of the pair.

But for real, though. I won't believe it until I see Maddox wrestling with Jennifer Aniston outside of the chateau's front gates after she finds out that he stole her favorite Holly Hobbie doll and was planning to pull out its yarn hair while sashaying down the aisle as Brangelina's flower boy.

Who ever is in charge of moving the puppet strings that work Katie Holmes' mouth should pull back a bit, because lately it seems that secrets we shouldn't know about are starting to trip off her tongue and it won't be long before she accidentally tells us that she's digging an escape tunnel with a fork behind the cum shot dart board of Becks Tommy Girl has down in his dungeon.

For example, Katie tells InStyle (via CM) about how she regularly buys maternity clothes even though she's not planning to put her uterus under the hologram hand of L. Ron Hubbard during a Scientology conception ceremony anytime soon. Katie is buying knocked up uniforms for her 5-year-old daughter Suri, because she wants her to have a wardrobe of pretty maternity clothes when she gets pregnant.

If a room full of grown up Suri mannequins wearing maternity clothes isn't enough to make Suri RUUUUUUUN, then I don't know what is. Katie said:

"I will buy something with her in mind, thinking it's gonna look so great on her when she's 25 or whatever.

I have a lot of things that I've already set aside, as well as some of my old maternity clothes so that she (can) wear them when she's having a daughter or son."

This is totally the part in the movie where we all find out that Suri's life has been planned out from the beginning and her blueprint is folded into a black book held by Anthony Mackie! Why would I not be surprised if John Slattery walked through one of my living room walls to erase this quote from my brain with an electronic wand? WE KNOW TOO MUCH!

Why is Katie's dumb robot ass so sure that Suri will bear a barley-addict heir to the Scientology throne? Suri could grow up to do what most children of fucked up parents do: wrap her womb in Ortho Evra patches, make a vow to never have babies and then join the cast of The Bad Girls Club.

Katie also gave an answer to the question that's been plaguing your mind area. No, not the question, "What the hell do I do with Google+ now?!" I'm talking about the question, "Why does Suri's arms always think it's summer?"

"Recently, Suri and I were taking a walk and a fight got started because it was cold outside and she didn't want to wear her coat. My philosophy is, well, fine, because after a block of walking you're going to ask me for your coat. So the pictures of her [without a coat in cold weather] are sort of embarrassing, but I said, "Suri, I'll take the hit. Just put it on when you get cold."

I'm no longer going to give Suri shit for not wearing a coat outside. Obviously, she's just overheated from practicing for her future by walking around the house with a baby pillow strapped to her body.

ScarJo was seen at Little Dom's in Los Feliz this past weekend trying to Magic Erase the image of Sean Penn snorting out wet coke balls out of nose while grunting during a motorboating session by having dinner with ex-husband Ryan Reynolds. A witness tells Life & Style that ScarJo and Ryan were flirting with their eyes and she even pinched at his face cheeks with her fingers (????) at one point. But if UsWeekly is telling the truth, then ScarJo and Ryan only met up so that she could give him the bag of tile spacers he left in her car. You know, the tile spacers he puts between his rock hard ab biscuits so they don't rub together and chafe when he does his daily routine of doing crunches until his stomach pouch slides into his nutsack for some peace and stillness. But I am digressing all over the place again....

A source says that Ryan and Charlize Theron have been making pretty people sex with each other for at least a few months. They've been keeping it on the down low and the source doesn't expect them to come prancing out onto the ho stroll while holding each other's genitals anytime soon, because that's not Charlize's style. The source went on to say, "They're exclusive, and it's very hush-hush. They're both career-focused, but not in a crazy way."

Break out the BREAKING NEWS siren! Two pretty people are doing the fuck thing together!!! This never happens!!!! But seriously, slap this shit with both a "random" and "makes sense" label.

Ryan has always sort of rubbed me in a weird way (not like that). It's those tiny eyes. Even when he opens them as wide as he can, he still looks like he's been stalking you from across the room for hours and is trying to focus on the little mole under your eye so that he can draw it perfectly on the tribute wall that's dedicated to you in his room at the halfway house. (And yes, he does thee crunches while drawing your mole.) Charlize, on the other hand, seems like a regular bag of normal. So the two of them together does make me cock my head (not that one) to the side a bit. But Ryan must be shitting four leaf clovers, but he is lucky as hell. You haven't experienced true love until you've slow rolled with Charlize Theron to a Journey song in the middle of a rink.