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Looking like a 9 to 5 summer hooker strolling with her regular john to the skate park to pick up his 12-year-old son, the greasy "can't get clean" flower that is Paz de la Huerta made mouth love with her sugar pepaw as they walked around in NYC yesterday afternoon. Paz, who has permanent flu face, looks like she never wipes when she pees and hasn't washed her face since an officer did it for her in the drunk tank and her pepaw lover looks like he's growing three kinds of cheeses in his armpit, so these two hot pockets definitely belong together. You know the room smells like burnt grease, chitterling water, spoiled cabbage, fingernail dirt and drenched regret when they fuck.

Don't ask me why ole' boy is holding that skateboard. It's either because he's always ready for some kinky sex shit Paz gets into or he's really taking his mid-level crisis to new levels. I don't know. But I do know I will be seriously disappointed if this true love affair doesn't end with Spaz's drunk ass getting carried out of her sugar pepaw's office by security after she attacks him with a stapler for eye screwing some random on the street. If it doesn't end in fuckery, it doesn't end!

In this NSWFish video, a hillbilly cowboy goes for the Darwin Award and the wins the Dumb Bitch Award by losing a high noon showdown to a damn paper target! Yes, a bullet to the leg by your own hand hurts something bad, but a bullet full of dumb to the ego hurts even more. If paper target people could shit, that one would've left a serious shredded mess from laughing so hard at all of this.

via Gawker

When this couple started dating she was still A list to much of the world even though her talent has probably dropped. But hey, you don't get to be a one worder unless you are great. Anyway, at dinner she told her boyfriend that she was going to suck him raw and then proceeded to crawl under the table and do just that. I wonder if he imagined it was a guy. (CDAN)

After all these years, Madge still knows how to do ho shit like no other! Pull out them dentures and gum the shit out of Baby Brahim's dick, Madge! This could also be Brit Brit, but it would be extra weird since her daddy would have to unlock the belt of her high chair and turn his head as he holds her toddler leash tight so she won't crawl into the kitchen for more nom nom noms.

WHICH former “DWTS” finalist has a secret obsession with Walmart?

The weight-challenged performer doesn’t want to get caught shopping for clothes at the discount chain, so she drives to the 24-hour stores far away from Hollywood! (National Enquirer via CDAN)

Kirstie Alley?

Which former almost A list singer threatened to walk off the show for which she was recently hired, unless she got a raise and top billing. She did this because of a new hire to the show she cannot stand. (CDAN)

Jessica Simpson and Nicole Richie?

Which late Hollywood star’s actress wife is being dragged into a black widow conspiracy theory? Turns out the widow has a sister whose husband ALSO died at an early age – and now the still-grieving widow’s in-laws think there may be a connection. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Gary Coleman's wife Shannon Price? And no, her sister is NOT Phoebe Price (or is she?).

I don't know how you're going to break this to your children, but Dana Delany murdered and skinned Tigger - Go Fug Yourself

And then Blake NotSoLively smeared Tigger's orange blood all over her body - The Berry

Please tell me Jensen Button whispered into Prince Hot Ginge's precious ear that his girlfriend gave him a new kind of the herp so we can be done with this Flee shit! - Lainey Gossip

Mad Mel just riding an invisible Nazi Big Wheel to Hell - The Superficial

If you need to turn a cat off for a minute, here you go (Note: Doesn't work on children or Sienna Miller's bull dozer vagina) - The Daily What

Continuing today's theme of random man nipples, here's Edward Norton's (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

"I got ALL your numbers, hussy" - Xenu to Placido Domingo Jr. - Celebitchy

The Adventures of Tintin trailer - Towleroad

Julianne Hough SANS FARDS - Hollywood Tuna

Ben Affleck's got that "been marinating in casino smoke and whiskey for 12 hours" glow about him - Just Jared

If Ke$ha as a Muppet - Popoholic

The Give Them All A Black Eye Please are taking a break so you'll have to get your eardrum-murdering music elsewhere - ICYDK

Awkward is when people who used to fuck have to hug - Popsugar

Still a piece of trash - OMG Blog

The Empress of Lucite blessed the waters of Miami with her purified beauty - Hollywood Rag

Pie curious? - Cityrag

Gabriel Aubry's crazy ass should really just knock on the front door next time - I'm Not Obsessed

Glamour three ways - SOW

Yes, the man nipples features in this man nipple buffet are not man nipples I'd ever request, but it's a slow as hell Monday and we have to take what we can get! When the paparazzi hands me pictures of Ricky Martin's freshly waxed nipples, Eli Roth's furry chest knobs, the nipples that Trudie Styler pinches during a 6-hour tantric orgy and the nipples that Alan Thicke's sperm co-built, it is my duty to post them.

Plus, I had a serious week last week, because I had to blog from California while helping a relative deal with a shitty issue that they made me promise not to blog about. (Note: The word "shitty" in shitty issue is not to be taken literally, so don't grab my hand and take me there. Don't.) So this chest clitorises of men gallery is just what I need even if I'm never going to look at Braille dots the same way again thanks to Robin Thicke's nipples.

Here's more of Ricky Martin giving an invisible beej (during a concert in Amsterdam), Eli Roth (in Ischia, Italy), Sting (also in Ischia, Italy) and Robin Thicke with Paula Patton in Miami.

You know this recession shit has gone way too far when Obama wants to raise the amount of cunts we can borrow! But why do we need to borrow cunts, anyway? This country is already up to our foreheads in cunts! If you skip down the front page of this blog, I'm sure you'll run into at least four American cunts, so we don't need anymore! Somebody tell Obama to stop knocking on the UK's front door to ask them if we can borrow a cup of Heather Mills. We don't need it! We're all cunt-ed out!

(Thanks Comedy Wizard)

Three years ago, Page Six had a blind item about how a movie star in a big summer movie violently raped his ex-boyfriend. The blind item went on to allege that the movie star replaced his ex-boyfriend's rape kit with a $500,000 so the police wouldn't be notified. It was a blind item that made me want to temporary blind my vision and soothe my brain by dunking my head in a bowl full of kittens. There were a million guesses and even Gawker ran a poll which named James Franco as the likeliest suspect. Well, James Franco clutched his rosary beads over being branded as gay rapist and tells Playboy (via E! Online) that it's the opposite of true.

"Then Gawker picked that up and did this 'Gay Rapist' story that was so fucking offensive, because I have friends who have been raped. They did a very classy online reader's poll asking which actor who had a big movie out that summer had beaten up and raped his boyfriend and then paid him off so it wouldn't go to court.

My lawyer called them and said that it was completely untrue and to take it down. They said, 'Well, we're just reporting what the New York Post told us. If James wants to make a comment on our blog, we're happy to report it.' It was a choice. Either let this thing build and become bigger and bigger, or just let it go and let them be the petty scumbags that they are."

So there you go! James Franco is a performance artist, Oscar ruiner, bachelor degree hoarder, author, perfume model, pussy eater, and short film director, but he is definitely not a gay rapist. So when we call him the James of all trades one of those trades is not gay raping. Got it! Scratch that off his resume.

When Papa Joe prayed for Jessica Simpson to put her lips on an overpriced orange leather bag, he was referring to himself and not a $15,000 Hermes Birkin bag. (Bitch should've been more specific.) On Jessica Simpson's 31st barday, her leased whore and fiance Eric Johnson gifted her with a big orange leather bag that she puckered up to just as her ass lips puckered out a wet orange air kiss (she's dehydrated) into her chonies. Blame the morning beer.

Yes, Eric should've really given Jessica a Hermes enema bag since that gross bitch is gassier than a pig in a cabbage patch, but the Birkin bag was still a sweet gift. You know what would've really made me AWWWWW in my warm place? If Eric Tweeted a picture of him kissing the black American Express card with Jessica's name on it that he used to buy her $15,000 gift. Even the Hermes salesperson made an AWWWW when Eric asked them if he could get cash back.

Source: JSimp's Twatter via USWeekly

Above is a video proposal from Sgt. Scott Moore, a marine stationed in Afghanistan, asking Natalie Portman's onscreen coochie licker Mila Kunis to go to the Marine Corps. Ball with him on November 18th in Greenville, North Carolina. The video has pulled in over 180,000 views on YouTube so it was only a matter of time before it touched Mila's ears. During an interview with Fox411 for that remake of No Strings Attached called Friends with Benefits, Justin Timberlake asked Mila about Sgt. Scott's invitation and their conversation went a little something like this:

JT: “Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? You need to do it for your country. I’m going to work on this, man. This needs to go down.”

MK: “I’ll go, I’ll do it for you. Are you going to come?”

JT: “They don’t want me! They want you. You need to do it for your country.”

MK: "I'll do it!"

So you're telling me that the quickest and easiest way to get Mah Boo Anderson Cooper to sip punch with me at a ball is to somehow get accepted into the marines, shave my head, get deployed to Afghanistan, work my way up to sergeant and then shoot a video proposal telling him that if he doesn't skip into my ball then he's basically fist pumping with the terrorists? SOUNDS EASY! But before I send in my headshot, audition video and costume requirements, I should know what I'm talking about. Are the marines the Top Gun ones or the Tank Girl ones?

via HuffPo

Before leaving North America on a COMMERCIAL FLIGHT (it's all their welfare pounds could afford them) yesterday afternoon, Prince William and Duchess Kate spent the morning doing arts shit with a bunch of kids at the Inner City Arts in L.A. They painted pictures of snails, they made handprint plaques and then Prince Willy perfectly ended his trip to California by rolling out a statue of something that I may or may not try to harden in my down low kiln. There are minors in this post, so I'm not going to say anything that will cause Chris Hansen to pull out of his side whore in order to pour me a glass of watered down iced tea.

Let's just say that Prince Willy's art piece isn't a bottom-heavy, wiggly uncut peen, and is simply just his artistic interpretation of what Prince Philip's tongue looks like when The Queen finally puts down her purse (a euphemism: that's one) at the end of the night. Yes, Prince Philip's tongue is shaped just like Jennifer Love Hewitt.