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While covering her bones in a grey (or "the lighter black" as Angie calls it) curtain panel so they don't get brittle and splinter in the sun, Angie Jolie shuffled Knox (in the lady bug costume), Vivienne (in the princess costume), Zahara, Shiloh, Maddox, Pax and (and enter the name of child I missed) out of a play park in Malta today. Brangelina and their child army is in Malta while Brad shoots World War Z.

You know, if there's one thing the child army knows it's the name and location of every damn toy store, play zone and park in every city of every country. The only time I see them is when they're leaving a toy store or going into a toy store. Pax's head might burp up a question mark when you ask him the full names of all ten million of his brothers and sisters, but if you asked him where you could find a toy store in Liechtenstein, he'd give you the coordinates and tell you to ask for Florian. Those kids are not playing around when it comes to playing around. They don't need an app for that!

Jennifer Hudson is like my meth head ex-boyfriend's peen: Every time I see her, she looks skinnier and skinnier. But unlike my meth head ex-boyfriend's peen, JHud has no trouble standing erect without the help of a 2-hour hand job, a lot of coaching and a mess of Viagra. (I think).

JHud, who is putting out a weight-loss book soon (Chapter 1 - Become a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers. If that's not possible, smoke crack and bid adieu to all your ribs), nearly made her fingers kiss when she posed on the carpet at amfAR's Inspiration Gala in NYC last night. Ugh. When I put my hands around my waist, my fingers can barely see each other's tips because a hilly mound of bloat is blocking their view of each other. If Weigh Watchers had Cheetos nachos, Frosted Circus Animal Cookies and Coke Margaritas on their menu and gave complimentary lipo each week, I'd totally join! If JHud loses anymore weight, she'll win every single Verdine White look-alike contest and that's reason enough to be mad at her.

Here's more of JHud at last night's amfAR along with: Ke$hit (who gets a D- for her tuck game), Heidi Klum, James Franco, Lance Bass and a melting Victorian Vampire wax doll with an American History X extra.

Which former child star took to his Facebook page to beg friends and fans to help him move to a new apartment in exchange for sex? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Of course this blind item is not about Zack Attack but now felt like the right time to post this recent screen shot of nipples. We should always know the current state of Mark Paul Gosselaar's nipples.

Speaking of Saved By The Bell, my official guess for this mess of a blind item is Dustin Diamond aka Screech? He seems bold and delusional enough to pull this shit. I don't know one bitch who would fuck Screech if he taped that picture of Zack over his face and promised to keep his Dirty Sanchez loving fingers to himself. And I know some certified sluts!

This famous Rapper/Actress is looking for love since her girlfriend left her. Her girlfriend is becoming a celebrity in her own right with her fitness training. (Downfront2 via Blind Gossip)

Queen Latifah?

This actress made several cameos on a cult children’s show in the 80′s. You can now see her at the Greyhound station in Midtown in the Big Apple bumming cigarettes off of strangers. (BuzzFoto)

Chairy, you crazy bitch, come down to Brooklyn and I'll give you an entire pack!

This Hollywood power couple is at the breaking point on many subjects, including kids, money, and sex. Their entire domestic situation is built on a foundation of lies, and after several rough years, he has had a change of heart over how he wants to live his life.

Of course, she is now completely freaking out, as even one revelation about kids OR money OR sex will bring down the entire house of cards. But how do you punish someone who is willing to expose all his own secrets? It looks like the child/ren will wind up being the weapon/s of choice in the upcoming face off. (Blind Gossip)

Face Off = John Travolta & Kelly Preston? But I'm throwing the same skeptical look I throw when John Travolta skips out with a merkin on top of his head. I'm sitting on the side that believes you'll have to yank the closet door knob from John's cold dead hands.

(Image via WOW Report)

With a ton of help from her best bitch Photoshop, Xtina gives us "Dee Snider as seen through the eyes of Anne Geddes" on the cover of W Magazine - Popsugar

Blake Lively, Leonardo DiCaprio and Ryan Reynolds all had dinner together last night. Lose Blake Lively, the clothes and you'd have somebody's wet dream gay fantasy. - Lainey Gossip

This Candies ad featuring Vanessa Hudgens ironing in her chonies makes me miss the good ole' days of seeing Jenny McCarthy on the pot - The Superficial

Panty Creamer of the Day!!!! - Towleroad

Today is the day a blonde lady knows how Michelle Williams feels (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Fuck fried eggs, this is your brain on drugs - Hollywood Tuna

Ashley Greene SANS FARDS - Popoholic

A Shaq fuck tape might be the thing I need to successfully erase my memory of Kazaam - Celebitchy

A raggedy desert grifter with grease face could never get into Nobu unless his name is Keanu Reeves! - Just Jared

CLOSE THE MOON ROOF NOWWWWWW! - ICYDK

Paul Rudd is an idiot - The Berry

Be a good parent and play this Samuel L. Jackson lullaby for your children at bedtime tonight - OMG Blog

A tattooed web of no - Cityrag

If you're going to "accidentally" flash a picture of your vagina, you might as well do it to your doctor who knows it personally - Celebslam

A good reason for why you should roll Sure on your nalgas before leaving the house as presented by Sophie Monk - Hollywood Rag

Translation: Bitches better add more zeroes to my check - I'm Not Obsessed

The Oscars screw with Best Picture again - SOW

The most adorable video of a lion trying to eat a human baby you'll see today - The Daily What

John Edwards was arrested on June 6th for allegedly using almost $1 million of campaign money to keep his side piece and secret love child hidden in the shadows and here's the mug shot he took that day. Shit is so slimy you could use it as lube. John is giving the same expression that Dominique Strauss-Kahn would give while posing for his employee badge on the first day of his job as a housekeeping manager. So creepy! So happy! So gross!

via HuffPo

Above is the official wedding announcement of Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris that will hit newsstands on Friday even though she hit the kill switch on their wedding. The staff at the Playboy Mansion will have to keep several freshly waxed 18-year-olds near Hugh's bedside so he can dry his sad tears on their labias while staring at his pant-less ex-bride on the cover of his magazine. The cover needed to come out, though.

You now know why Crystal's dog Charlie refuses to look down. The last time he looked down, he witnessed Hef trying to fish his lost dentures out of Crystal's chocha with his gums. It was like watching a grouper eat a ham sammy and Charlie has never looked down again. Down does not exist to Charlie. You don't have to tell Charlie to look at the birdie twice. Charlie is always looking at the birdie. So now we know why.

In other failed digger news, Crystal told Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM show this morning that contrary to Hef's Twitter tears, he didn't really want to get married again. Hef was only marrying Crystal because he thought that's what she wanted and he's relieved he won't be a husband again. Crystal says she realized the Playboy lifestyle is not for her and she wants to focus on her music career. Coincidentally (served inside of a sarcasm empanada), Crystal's new single came out the same day as the news of her break-up with Hef.

Crystal is definitely a failed gold digger but I can't accuse her of being a failed stunt queen. What all of us saw as true love was nothing but a publicity stunt to her. Bitch gave herself away by saying that she can't hang with the Playboy lifestyle. When you meet your known whore husband during a barely legal orgy, you know what you're getting yourself into.

And I don't believe that Hef won't get married again. I'm sure he's already visited a local nursery to put a few future brides on hold just in case he makes it to 103.

Wouldn't you think that Mildred Baena had her pick of nearly every journalist and reporter for her first interview? Mildred could've commanded mah boo Anderson Cooper to get topless and do the entire interview while pinching his areola as though the questions were coming from his nipple slits and the thought of record-breaking ratings would've forced him to do so. (I will never forgive THAT BITCH Mildred for not taking advantage of that opportunity.)

But Mildred chose to speak for the first time to the UK's Hello! magazine. Most hos choose to give their exclusive story to Hello! magazine, because they really want to say Hello! to a six-figure check. However, Mildred resembles resents that statement and her lawyer tells TMZ that she wasn't paid a dollar for her story. Mildred just wanted to tell the real truth about how she and Arnold tried to further positive relations between Guatemala and Austria by bareback boning each other. Here's what her lawyer said:

"Mildred was tired of people selling their lies to the media or claiming to speak for her when they do not ... She gave the interview in order to set the record straight once and for all.

All she wanted to do was put the lies and rumors to rest. And we believe that she has done that through this interview."

Apparently, the freelance reporter who spoke to Mildred and gave the story to Hello! is friendly with her lawyer.

Up until yesterday, not many people knew what Mildred and Arnold's son really looked like since most of the media blurred his face out. So that leads me to the question: What kind of stupido madre whores out her son's face for free?!!!!!!?

The pain that throbbed in the hearts of fellow child pimps Kris Jenner, White Oprah and Joe Jackson after reading this hurtful news is strong enough to power a slap machine to hit Mildred in her dumb face over and over again. And she deserves it! If you're going to kill your son's privacy at least do it while wearing a hot outfit you bought with your blood money. A shame!

When Star Magazine said that a LeAnn Rimes sex tape was making the rounds, I threw up (pause) my hands and said "I'm good!" because if I want to watch a leopard gecko eat a grasshopper I'd watch a leopard gecko eat a grasshopper. Since the pores in LeAnn's fingers cream jizz every time her name comes up in the media, she immediately jumped on the Twitter stage and denied that she's ever made a sex tape. Cut to today.

A poster named OneMoreVol at Tiger Droppings (via Gawker) claims he found the memory stick to a digital camera in the back of a moving van in 2008. OneMoreVol posted this on May 25th, a couple of weeks before Star's story. OneMoreVol says that on the tape, LeAnn's husband at the time, Dean Sheremet, talks to her in a "creepy baby voice" while she changes in front of a mirror. OneMoreVol provided evidence of the tape in the form of three completely G-rated screen caps.

Now, LeAnn could've said it's not her in the tape since it's obviously a skinny Chunks from Goonies and we would've believed her. But no. LeAnn admitted it's her in the tape, but went on to protest the existence of a sex tape.

@KarlaHoffman @asu_juliette since when is changing in front of a mirror in a thong a "sex tape?" the fact that someone has STOLEN a tape of private moments of when I was 18 and is trying to profit off of it is sick and the fact that the media is trying to make more of it than it is, a few private moments of me changing and joking around is misleading and wrong. Once again, I have never filmed myself having sex period. All I know is you see more of me on a beach in a bikini. Moving on, so should everyone else!

I believe LeAnn. Mostly because I believe she didn't start having actual sex until she lost her wedding band in Eddie Cibrian's b-hole while getting wild in her trailer. As soon as LeAnn jumped on that dick, sanity and her appetite both took a backseat, because she was too busy getting hers. Up until then, her idea of a funky good time was trying on clothes with her gay husband Dean while they talked like Muppet Babies to each other. So yeah, this is about as sexy as Dean and LeAnn got.

And here's the jerky-fied Falcor and Eddie Cibrian at LAX yesterday.

If you ignore the heinous rubber foot mitts made from the crusty dildos of Lucifer's sex slaves in the darkest dungeon in Hell on Sacha Baron Cohen's hooves, then you can appreciate the entire look he's working for his new movie The Dictator. Sacha shot scenes for that shit on the UES in NYC yesterday afternoon and judging by these pictures, I'm guessing his character was given the wrong instructions for how to master the art of dining and ditching. Or maybe he's on that new Jillian Michaels diet where you can eat whatever you want as long as you do it while jogging. Something ZANY, obviously. I don't know. But one thing I do know that Sacha made the right choice by styling his character after the accident baby of It's Pat and Dawn Wiener Dog.

If you're a child of the 80s, like me, then your mom most likely looked just like this at one time or another. But instead of CROCS, she wore baby pink Kaepas (with two pink triangles, thankyouverymuch) and DAMN she loved it. This takes me back. I can practically see my mom wading waist-deep in the pool with a protective cone around her neck after getting a perm the day before. Nothing makes me miss the 80s more than thinking about my mom screaming, "DON'T SPLASH, YOU BRAT! I JUST GOT A PERM!"

Two 30-something men were arrested outside of Joss Stone's house in England on Monday after police got a call about a "suspicious vehicle" trolling around the neighborhood. The suspicious vehicle was a Fiat. (Note: If you're going to partake in evil and shady schemes in a fancy neighborhood, don't do it in a Fiat.) When the police searched the vehicle, they found a bunch of shit that would make Kevin Costner's character in The Bodyguard SHUT IT DOWN and order everybody to a desolate cabin in the woods.

The cops found two swords, rope, a body bag, maps and aerial photos of Joss Stone's house. No, they were not planning on catching a wild turkey (with the rope), butchering it for a meal (with the two swords) and serving it to Joss on a waterproof picnic blanket (the body bag). Two swords, rope and a body bag can only mean one thing: MURDER PLOT! Did you read me, right? I typed: MURDER PLOT. This is the only acceptable reaction:

It is not known whether Joss was home at the time. The police wouldn't confirm the MURDER PLOT to BBC News but they are investigating it.

"Officers attended the area at around 1000 BST and subsequently arrested the occupants of a red Fiat Punto. Major crime detectives are continuing to investigate. Our officers are currently carrying out reassurance patrols and it's important to stress that no properties have been burgled and no individuals have been harmed."

Yes, I too read that as "Fiat Puto" and the images created by my brain will stay with me all day.

This is terrifying and Joss should surround herself with an army of Sean Beans, but TWO SWORDS? Who let the fanboys out of mom's basement? They do realize that Joss played Anne of Cleves in The Tudors and not Anne Boleyn?

Stay safe, Joss! And for once in your life, put on some damn shoes! Nike Airs, preferably. You can't outrun two sword-wielding crazies if your ass is barefoot! Now is not the time to be a hippie!