Here's Xtina being carefully led out of a club in West Hollywood the other night with drunk eyes and a mouth full of smeared lipstick that lets you know when she wasn't sucking on her bitch's lips, she was sucking on a bottle of hooch! As for Matthew Rutler, he's got the mark of the Illuminati on his torso and the mark of the red lipstick beast scooted all over his mouth. These two raggedy ratchet hos had themselves a mouth party for two while the entire club probably watched with eyes wide open the same way they'd watch a sloth slurp up a bowl of mashed tomatoes in slow motion.
You know that the party didn't end here either. When they got back to Xtina's palace, she had a sword fight with Matthew's peen and a dill pickle in the jacuzzi before she passed out over the side above a puddle of regret. The gardener woke her up the next morning by blowing her face with a leaf blower. Snooki must be oh so proud of Snookitina!
NBC summoned a wave of dry panties when they failed to secure Christopher Meloni for the next season of Law & Order: SVU. Christopher Meloni is packing up his sleeveless button down shirts and leaving Mariska Hargitay without a partner for now. Mariska, who is making season 13 her last, released a farewell open letter to Christopher Meloni last night and included a curious statement that is making me analyze this shit through Detective La Toya's magnifying glass eyes.
"For the past 12 years Chris Meloni has been my partner and friend, both on screen and off. He inspired me every day with his integrity, his extraordinary talent and his commitment to the truth. I love him deeply and will miss him terribly – I'm so excited to see what he'll do next."
COMMITMENT TO THE TRUTH?! Doesn't that slightly resemble the little comment Maria Shriver made to Oprah after Arnold Schwarzenegger's secret love child parachuted into the media? What does it all mean? Does that mean there's a secret love child crawling around out there with biceps like Meloni's and an elegant side part like Mariska's? Eh. No. It's probably some kind of inside joke. You know, Mariska walked into Meloni's trailer one day when he was in the middle of flexing his rock hard ass muscles in the mirror. Mariska said "nice tush," but since she just had dental surgery it sounded like, "nice twuth." So it's a running joke of theirs. "Commitment to the tush" makes so much more sense than "commitment to the truth."
One way to get people to think you're fucking while looking like you're trying to hide the fact that you're fucking is to leave the same hotel just minutes apart from each other. It's the oldest publicity trick in the damn book. Just look at Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio leaving a hotel in the South of France yesterday separately. Blake came down first in freshly fucked hair that probably took her stylist 3 hours to achieve and then Leo walked down while making OMG DON'T LOOK AT ME BUT LOOK AT ME poses. They think they are being so slick. This is about as slick as a chapped anus. Don't act like there's not a publicist with a headset at the top of the driveway who is cuing every move.
This is like when I buy a hot piece at the bar a drink to go into the single bathroom with me and play a heated game of thumb wrestling before we stumble out separately so that my friends can think that I got some. You can't fake out a faker. I see you, bitches!
Brace the Face from Showtime's Gigolos! Gigolos wrapped up their season finale this past week, but if you haven't seen this (NSFW) dick cage mess, Sho2 is having a special Memorial Weekend Marathon starting tonight. What better way to honor the soldiers who died while fighting for our country than with feasting your eyes on soft-core sex and softer-core acting!?
If you've never seen Gigolos, then all you to need to know that it's basically the dude version of Cathouse. It's a "reality" (stretch the word "reality" until it's hardly recognizable) show that follows 5 Las Vegas man hookers who only lease their peens to ladies and straight couples. Yes, it already sounds like a cum bubble floating out of a fantasy world.
Each episode, usually focuses on two of the gigolos and sandwiches fuck sex scenes with manufactured drama. It's sort of like if the presidents of Logo and Lifetime ran the Spice Channel for one day. Like in one episode, Brace, the seasoned whore of the group, goes to talk to his lady friend, a former pussy peddler, about being in the game for so long. She counsels him for a little bit and it gets sort of deep, and then before you know it they're upstairs getting really deep on her bed. Everything ends in fucking! It's the best.
The Daily Beast did a piece on the fakery of Gigolos and one woman who was in an episode said it was totally fake. She said that she was hired as an actress to pretend that she's a female john. She claims the sex was totally simulated and it's all about as real Brace's wondrous hair color. Showtime had no comment on her claims.
But who cares if Gigolos makes it seem like ladies are buying dick in droves! Who cares if the man whores on that show act like they don't lease their stuff out to gay dudes even though that's where the money's really at! Gigolos gives us man nipples and dry humping, so I really don't care if they're lying to our faces. Lie to me as long as you give me man nipples....and as long as you give me Brace.
If Freddy Krueger gave up the whole "murdering children" thing and decided his real passion was whoring, this is what he would look like. This is some Wet Dreams on Elm Street shit!
Brace is like the Ken Doll that I lost in my backyard. The Ken Doll that halfway melted in the sun, was chewed up by a raccoon and then buried in the dirt by the next door neighbor's dog who broke in through an opening in the face. And now my Ken Doll has come back to me and is boning ladies on TV!
Kylie Minogue (43)
Joseph Cross (25)
Carey Mulligan (26)
Colbie Caillat (26)
Aaron Schock (30)
Jesse Bradford (32)
Elisabeth Hassleback (34)
Justin Kirk (42)
Glen Rice (44)
Patch Adams (66)
John Fogerty (66)
Rudy Giuliani (67)
Gladys Knight (67)
Carroll Baker (80)
Some guys are leg men. Some are ass men (Kramer). This famous athlete is a breast man. If you don’t have them, he will date you, but he’ll spend a good part of the relationship pressuring you to get a new pair. He’ll point out other women and comment on what great breasts they have and how perfect you would be if you only had breasts like her. This strategy doesn’t just work on regular women. It has also worked on two of the famous women he has dated, who both got plastic surgery when they were with him. Expect to see his current girlfriend with a new pair soon. (Blind Gossip)
A-Rod and Cameron Diaz? Exhibit: EVERYTHING
A-Rod really needs to calm down and stop trying to shove plastic titty sacks in Cameron Diaz's chest. He has enough chichis for the both of them.
Family feuds can get really ugly, and this one is no exception. These two siblings absolutely despise each other. The more successful sibling has been giving money to their parents every month for years. The parents have then been turning around and giving the money each month to the less successful sibling. The successful sib found out about this and is absolutely furious. They now want to cut everyone off financially. (Blind Gossip)
Judy and Audrey Landers, obviously. Or Miley and Noah Cyrus?
Cannes. This former A list movie actor who is lucky to have any friends at all, slipped his arm around the waist of this almost A list actress/director at an event, who shoved his arm away and said, "Do not touch me." Guess things are not as rosy as they seem. (CDAN)
This smells like condensed titty milk, dirty jacuzzi water and blue ball rage, which means it's probably Mel Gibson & Jodie Foster? But let's just pretend it's Brad Pitt and Angie Jo!
That might sound like one of the plots of Christopher Guest's new movie starring Jennifer Coolidge as the rodeo queens' coach, but it isn't. This story is a reminder that the local news regularly burps up shiny gems of fuckery that even make The Onion go "huh?" The latest one comes out from KSL in Farmington, Utah. A major breakout of horse herpes (cut to Lady Coco Chanel making a "Not My Fault" face) has forced the cancellation of several rodeo events and shit, because who wants to put a feedbag of Valtrex under their horse's mouth? The Davis County Sheriff's Mounted Posse Junior Queen Contest was almost shut down too, but then the organizers got an idea that saved the event. They put the rodeo queens on stick horses. The world is now a much more magical place thanks to the stick horse rodeo.
One of the little rodeo queens said, "With a stick horse it's a lot different because you have to do all the work, and I think it's going to be a lot more tiring than with a real horse."
After watching that classic video, it's only right for me to say that Brokeback Mountain would've been a million times better with stick ponies instead. Hell, everything would be better with stick ponies. Real ponies shit, piss, kick at you when you try to hot glue rhinestones on their skin and don't smile on command. But stick ponies don't shit, nor piss and they won't try to take your knee caps out if you hot glue a rhinestone to their heads. They can't! They don't have legs!
I say we retire all the ponies and stick to stick ponies! If stick pony rodeos became the new thing, I might even get up off my ass and get on that shit. Because if anybody knows how to ride a stick... I'm stopping.
Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes' honeymoon pictures are totally not staged, said absolutely no one - Popsugar
Jennifer Lawrence on the set of The Hunger Games, or maybe she's shooting a Sister Wives movie we don't know about? - Lainey Gossip
Lindsay Lohan's art film needs more 3D piranhas - The Superficial
Whoopi farts on The View, it's still more intelligible than anything Elisabeth Hasselbeck has ever said - Towleroad
Why does Sarah Jessica Parker always have to talk like an out of breath toddler doing a Marilyn Monroe impersonation? - Celebitchy
When Christian walked into the light on the Lost finale, I'm pretty sure he then walked right out of Christina Hendricks' cleavage - Hollywood Tuna
Tara Reid looks awesome (remember this is Tara Reid I'm talking about) - (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Urban Outfitters is the Beyonce of corporate clothing stores - The Daily What
I would - OMG Blog
The red True Blood poster looks like the beginning of the most graceful gang bang ever - Just Jared
Mark Zuckerberg is only eating animals he kills himself - NYC Barstool Sports
Blind leading the blind - ICYDK
Bettie McDonald looks a mess - Popoholic
Man nipples galore - The Berry
Lisa Bonet looks stoned - Moe Jackson
Is that tattoo of a seahorse trying to give itself head? - Cityrag
Let's not pretend that CoCo didn't open that can with her camel toe and later crush it into a recycling bin with her jaws of life ass. Is there anything CoCo can't do (don't you dare add another "do" to that "do)? This might be the first time when saying "This beer tastes like ass!" is a good thing. The Queen is totally going to invite CoCo over to Buckingham Palace for Beer Bong Sundays when she sees this picture. Kate Middleton, who?
Two weeks ago, Jeff Conaway was found unconscious on the floor of his home in Los Angeles. Some say he overdosed on painkillers and Dr. Drew says he suffered from pneumonia and sepsis. Jeff was staying alive (not a John Travolta reference) with the help of a ventilator and feeding tube, but yesterday his family decided to take him off life support. Shortly after that, Jeff floated off to the great big Rydell High School in the sky at the age of 60.
Most of us know Jeff as Kenickie in Grease, but he was also in Taxi for a while and this masterpiece of a movie called Covergirl that I once watched at 4 in the morning. Jeff was also in Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab with his absolutely insane girlfriend Vikki Lizzi. They broke up before he died, but apparently Vikki Lizzi was trying to go to court to stop his family from taking him off life support.
Dr. Drew tells TMZ that he wants everyone to know Jeff didn't die from overdose. Jeff's body quit after years of prescription drug abuse and just couldn't take it anymore. Dr. Drew added, "This was aspiration with overwhelming pneumonia and sepsis."
Rest in peace, Kenickie. You're now in heaven, giving hickeys to the angels.
via E! News