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Snooki, the mutant dingle that escaped from the armpit of America, did exactly what you think she would do if she got behind the wheel of an actual car (not a Big Wheel) in Florence, Italy: the bitch crashed into a police escort. That visual made me visualize the time Vinny's watermelon (with extra seeds) dick crashed into Snooki's Ewok snatch. In both instances, somebody should've been arrested, but in both instances NOBODY was arrested.

The cops in Italy should've come up with a law on the spot! They should've declared that any shaved Wookie from New York who crashes into a police car while shooting a reality show must immediately be escorted to Rome by soldiers and thrown into a coliseum full of hongray lions who have been taunted by Chilean bears their whole lives and are out for revenge!!!! But the cops didn't think of that.

TMZ says that cops questioned both Snooki and Deena, who is giving me Mayim Bialik in Beaches vibes here (no offense to a 13-year-old Mayim Bialik), before briefly detaining the former. They say that booze was not involved, but dumbassery was. Nobody was injured and the police eventually let Snooki and Deena back into the wild.

Okay, who in "can't even reach the gas pedal" hell would let Snooki drive in Italy? I would rather let a drunk, half-blind pig with four left hooves and a bad case of physical Tourettes drive me around in Italy. Are the producers of Jersey Shore trying to kill her?! Actually, maybe that's all part of their series finale plans. They are going to destroy the cast one by one. To which I say, why put the lives of innocent people in danger? If you want to destroy Snooki, just ask her to spell STD.

Here's the Brawny Man's butch bitch competition and Photoshop hater Jake Gyllenhaal struttin' his muscled ass and twerkin' his biceps in Los Angeles yesterday. That little lick of the tongue tells me that Jakey is getting all excited about making margarita jelly shots for his My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding viewing party. Sadly, the margarita jelly shots were a bigger hit than the neon yellow flower waist sash Jakey wore as a tribute to the exquisite gypsy flower girls. (Yes, I know that's just a windbreaker, but I'm still going to believe that it took 2 hours and several mirrors for Jakey to perfect that side bunch of yellow.)

Some say that LeAnn Rimes should use her fingers to scoop handfuls of milkshake into her mouth instead of using them to Twitter every millisecond of the day, but she's obviously ignoring that advice. LeAnn Tweeted this picture of herself from her honeymoon, which made one of her followers say that she was "scary skinny" and her hipbones were popping out. This was LeAnn's response:

those are called abs not bones love.

This is my body, and I can promise you I'm a healthy girl. I'm just lean. Thanks for your concern, but no need to be.

Thank you, LeAnn. I was unaware that abs could look like bones trying to escape your body so that they can run to the nearest hospital and get some nourishment by soaking in a bowl of Ensure. I did not know this! But she shouldn't think she's so special, because I have abs too, love! They're just modest abs and are always hiding under a cloud of bloat and fried cheese fat.

via UsWeekly

Amber Rose, the Susan Powter of rap star hos, went on a pound sign-ridden Twitter rant the other day over Vibe Magazine allegedly filling their cover story on her with lies and stuffing fake words into her mouth. Kanye West taught Amber well in the art of Twitter tantrums, because this bald headed ho released a spray of hash tag fucks directed at Vibe. Amber doesn't really specify as to which parts of Vibe's story charbroiled her asshole, but Animal New York thinks it might be this little piece.

The high-profile relationship took a turn in Hawaii during Kanye’s recording sessions for his cathartic fifth album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. West booked an entire Honolulu studio indefinitely for 24-hour slots while a cast of artists joined him for long days of business. Rose allegedly didn’t take to the all-work, no-play atmosphere. “In Hawaii [Amber] was being obnoxious in the studio like, ‘What the fuck? I wanna fucking eat,’” says an anonymous source. “Kanye got so mad because here he is trying to record and she keeps talking about, ‘Let’s go back to the house, I wanna fuck. We haven’t fucked in two days.’ I left the room for 10 minutes and when I came back he [told her], ‘Yo get the fuck up out of here!’ She left the room crying.

Amber shouldn't feel sad, mad or embarrassed about that mess since "Yo get the fuck up out of here" is the same thing Kanye quietly said to Taylor Swift before kidnapping the mic from her. It's also what Kanye says to humbleness anytime it tries to get on him. But Amber is still mad and this is what she blasted at Vibe.

Just read "my" interview in @VibeMagazine half of the story was untrue & ridiculous!

F##K that Cover F##K @VibeMagazine yall wrote a bunch of negative bullshit that I never said or did.

Yall don't give a fuck that I have a Mom & Family thats gonna read that fake ass shit I gave yall a truthful interview & Yall f##ked me.

I'm so sick of keeping my mouth shut I didn't ask for this life it was handed to me I was nothing but nice to everyone I spoke to @ Vibe

"I didn't ask for this life it was handed to me" really is a classic quote that Amber should tattoo into her ass crack. I would wrap Amber Rose in a giant "BITCH PLEASE" but that would be cruel. Amber has been through enough! Amber has no choice but to pay her barber bills by giving interviews for absolutely no reason and flashing her nalgas in the likes of King Magazine. Amber can't get a regular job, because there's a good chance (and by "good" I mean "no") she'll be recognized and mobbed! You think about this the next time Kanye hands you his peen. If you accept, you might have to live the rest of your life on the step below the Kardashians on the famewhore ladder.

May we all say a prayer over our Memorial Day hot dogs today for Amber Rose's struggles. It's hard being Amber Rose.

21-year-old Sean Kingston is in a Miami hospital today after his jet ski crashed into Palm Island Bridge at around 6pm yesterday evening. Local10.com reports that Sean and his female passenger were both thrown from the jet ski and landed in the water. They were both rescued from the water by a good doer on a boat. Sean's injuries were so serious that he had to be treated in the trauma ward, but his rep says that he has since been transferred to ICU and he's in critical but stable condition.

"Sean Kingston is now stabilized and has moved from the trauma unit to ICU. Sean's family thanks everyone for their prayers and support during this time."

A spokesperson for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission believes that booze was not involved in the crash. The spokesperson added this: "Nine times out of 10, recklessness on the water involving personal watercraft contributes to accidents. That is not necessarily the cause of this one, but we spend a lot of time patrolling the areas looking for violations with jet skis and motor boats."

I read this story right after I read about the young model who fell to her death at the W Hotel in Atlanta after crashing through a 10th story window during a play fight with another friend. What is going on?! This is why I spend most of my free time drinking Strawberry Hill in my empty bathtub. It isn't because it's easy to clean lonely tears and booze slobber from the bathtub. It's because I can't fall out of a window from there. Watch, the shower head is totally going to fall on my head now.

Good thoughts wrapped in good thoughts for Sean and his friend.

Little Debbie's Spirit of America cakes! It's Memorial Day in the US today, which means that we honor the men and women who died while fighting for our freedom. We all honor and celebrate them in our own way. If you live in my neighborhood, then you celebrate by laying half ass naked on a dirty bed sheet (extra points if it has a cartoon character on it) spread across the crab grass lawn in the park. If you're me, you celebrate by buying every box of Spirit of America snack cakes at the grocery story. Yeah, yeah, it's just Little Debbie's regular old preservative patties wrapped in patriotic drag, but for some reason the red, white and blue frosting really puts me in a sugary haze that leaves me mumbling "USA! USA! USA!" after my third serving.

Happy Memorial Day.

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