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And shit just got escandalosoier (escandalosier is a word that was born just to describe this mess). At about the same time The Sperminator's sperm Austrian front hugged Maria Shriver's ovary, he did the same thing to his housekeeper/side-piece Mildred Baena. Maria and Mildred were knocked up with Arnold's baby at the same time. I've said this before, but this saga truly has all the ingredients for the kind of prime-time novella that would make my abuelita slap me in the mouth if I talked to her during it (the true sign of some good shit).

TMZ posted the above picture of Mildred laughing without a care in the world at her baby shower in 1997. Maria's "care" should be that she's carrying her boss' baby and she's defying the laws of Maury by telling everyone that it's her husband's (they have since divorced) child.

Maria gave birth to Christopher on September 27, 1997. Less than a week later, Mildred birthed out Arnold's secret love child on October 2, 1997.

I didn't think it was possible, but Arnold actually out-whored and out-dimwitted Tiger Woods! Hell, Arnold even out-whored my own father who previously held California's gold medal for man whoring. Take a bow, Arnold! Imagine what those boys are thinking. They should be thinking about what really matters. Take it from me. When my mother told me I had a half-brother the same age as me, I only asked her if he was better looking than me (answer: yes) and if my dad spent more money on him (answer: yes). You know, the important questions!

As chandeliers everywhere slowly start to lose their shine, Zsa Zsa Gabor returned to UCLA Medical Center this afternoon after her feeding tube started to squirt blood everywhere. Zsa Zsa was barely released from the hospital on Monday after she won a battle with pneumonia. Zsa Zsa's husband, who can't fart without calling TMZ's tip line first, tells CNN that doctors are working right now to revive her. Prince von Anhalt says that she's not responding.

What the hell hasn't Zsa Zsa been through over the past couple of years?! I'm surprised a lightning bolt hasn't hit her hospital bed as a shark went flying through the window. Damn. Damn. Damn. Zsa Zsa got her hip replaced, they took her damn leg and she's 94 years old! If you make it to 94 years old, you should be spending your days swatting at your little grandchildren dressed up like cops (to relive the glory days)! You shouldn't be lying up in a hospital bed for the 1,974th time this year.

Oh, Zsa Zsa. Well, while her body's in a coma, maybe her mind is waltzing with a diamond-encrusted man in a sea of champagne bubbles and swan feathers.

At the 6:23 mark above is the moment when Graham Norton asked hip hop aficionado and $725 tank top dress enthusiast Fishsticks Paltrow to lay out a little N.W.A. and she fucking did it. Rose Hills will be covered with even more hills tonight because Eazy-E will be rocking the hell out of his grave over an over-privileged princess snowflake rapping about Compton. And while making Friday, Ice Cube probably predicted that the Internet would become a place where sometimes GIFs made from movie clips are the only way to perfectly express one's feelings about foolery conducted by fools, because this sums up Fishy's rap skills.

It also sums up my feelings about Lady Caca looking Carol Burnett as Nora Desmond as one of Dracula's brides.

via Videogum

A C-List celebrity who lives in LA and got her start on reality TV is claiming to be the occasional mistress of someone taking a lot of heat for infidelity right now. She is planning to either sell her story or write a tell-all book, so the news won’t be kept under wraps for long. (BuzzFoto)

Is this Arnold Schwarzenegger shit really going to turn into a remake of the Tiger Woods never-ending ho parade? Eh, I suppose we're due for another one. Now on to the guesses: Stacie the Bartender from The Hills, Heidi Montag from The Hills, Lace from American Gladiators, Ceiling Eyes' mom, DJ Lady Tribe from Rock of Love Bus, Camille Grammer, Tami Roman from The Real World: L.A. or OctoMom? It's totally OctoMom. She's got the kind of look that makes his crotch tumah grow.

He has been sleeping with producer after producer – mostly females, any age, any shape – offering himself in exchange for opportunities. Any opportunities.

While it’s rather competitive among famewhores on the project he’s best known for, it turns out he’s the one who’s most aggressive, most desperate, most willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead. Hilarious because it hasn’t exactly been working for him until recently, a surprise gig. Still, after so many tries, and other boys on the side in the city, and so many nights with much older lady executives, you’d think he would have gotten further ahead than where he’s come to now which really isn’t all that impressive.

Maybe that’s why he decided to switch sides. Besides, it suits his true preference anyway. He’ll do both, but men are what really make him happy. So he must not have minded so much when he laid himself out, twice, for a very high profile male producer with an impressive resume mentoring some huge names, recently, in the hopes of perhaps crossing over, straddling several different portfolios at the same time. If Jennifer Lopez can be a multihyphenate, with one of those hyphens being a music career, I suppose it gives others hope that they can too, him included. Never mind that there’s an over 25 year age gap between them. (Lainey Gossip)

At a party recently, I spent a few breaths telling a friend that I don't think Mark Ballas from Dancing with the Stars likes to tongue waltz on dick. Maybe I should've used those breaths to suck from a bong instead, because methinks this blind item might be about him.

This actor has been in several TV series over the years. Since he will be taking a lead role in a series next season, the network arranged a meet and greet with him at the upfronts (a series of meetings where the networks present their television shows to the advertisers).

The actor started downing beers early, and by the time of the meet and greet, he was drunk.

Now, our actor started out as a happy drunk, hugging and taking photos with fans and signing autographs. But he began losing it after the first hour. At one point, a fan came up to him and told him that they had loved him since [insert name of TV drama]. Instead of politely thanking them, he started yelling “I’ll never get away from that damn show!” He then went on to insult every aspect of the show. Guess he forgot that it was that show that changed his career. (Blind Gossip)

Andy Dick in a Tim Allen costume?

I would say that GOOP is devouring my soul on this cover, but I'm full of preservatives and tap water so she'd never do that - Popsugar

Even Michael Sheen can't make an International Male guido suit work - Lainey Gossip

Mel Gibson in a wife beater - The Superficial

Degree hoarder James Franco gets another degree - Towleroad

Miley Cyrus does the half Grace Jones - Hollywood Tuna

Jennifer Lawrence as the chick from Hunger Games looks like Jennifer Lawrence with brown hair - Just Jared

House is going Cuddy-less next season - Celebitchy

If you want to smell like switch burns, bulldog sweat and children's tears, then Joe Jackson's new fragrance is for you! - ICYDK

Alison Brie's head looks like it's giving birth to a hair baby - Popoholic

Kanye West's rumored piece is in lingerie (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Nerd alert - The Berry

What you would see if you weren't wearing your contacts, your bedroom lights were off and Zachary Knighton got naked in front of you - OMG Blog

In other news, the sequel to Runaway Bride called Suicide Bride has just been greenlit - The Daily What

Rebecca Black is not pregnant. You can cancel the end of the world now. - Celebslam

Penelope Cruz looks like a delicious strawberry fruit roll-up dipped in sugar water - Go Fug Yourself

16 Celebrity clones - Cityrag

The face on the bodyguard in the back tells me that Fergie just farted - Hollywood Rag

Ashlee Simpson is looking a little like Kelly Osbourne's ex boyfriend - I'm Not Obsessed

If your place of employment frowns upon moving images of seizure asses and shopping cart sex, then maybe you should save this little tune for when you go to Walmart later tonight to try on panties over a pair of booty shorts that I haven't seen since the Fly Girl days.

Walmart is already what fuckery prays to when it needs guidance, but Mr. Ghetto has taken it to a whole new level. The Walmart smiley face doesn't know whether to frown or make it rain Louisiana Purchase Cards on Mr. Ghetto and his bootleg NOLA bouncers. I was about to say that the day manager probably issued a clean up on every aisle after this, but ass dust is about the least nastiest thing that has hit Walmart's floors.

Why do I also have a feeling that Walmart won't be mad about this. They're going to hire Mr. Ghetto and his Ghetto-ettes as their new official door greeters. And when Mr. Ghetto's NOLA bouncers are done with that, can they please put on some Swiffer shorts and come bounce their asses against my laptop monitor. This mess has left a film of apocalypse powder on my screen.

P.S. - It's your turn, Target.

via Crunk + Disorderly

Yes, it's come to this. Again. We're back to sticking our ultrasonic magnifying glasses over January Jones' uterus to see who her fetus baby looks like. Mark Burnett should really turn this into a full-fledged, prime-time game show. In the meantime....

The Daily is echoing E! Online's story about how the sperm fish that helped make January's baby came from a dude who worked on X-Men: First Class with her. A source also tells The Daily that January won't drop the name of her baby's father, because he's married!

So if The Daily and E! are speaking the truth, that means he's male, worked on X-Men and has a ring on his taken finger. That leaves Kevin Bacon, Matthew Vaughn, Jason Flemyng, Oliver Platt, James McAvoy and dozens of married crew members on that shit. We're almost there (not really)!

But don't be surprised if we learn that Arnold Schwarzenegger was a silent producer on X-Men about the same time January gives birth to a buff baby who will rip his own umbilical cord off with his bare hands. January Jones is totally this summer's Mildred Baena (but not as hot, obviously).

Here are the 9 reasons for why Parasite Hilton's pet pony Lady CoCo Chanel is the saddest pony in the entire world.

1. She was ripped from her mother's nipple and sold into pony slavery.
2. Her owner is a vapid piece of skank shit that only cares about her as long as she's young, white pretty and doesn't smell gross (aka about 3 minutes).
3: Her name is Lady CoCo Chanel.
4. Wonky has decorated her mane with cheap rhinestone bows from Icing.
5. She has been forced to "entertain" a bunch of asshole warts including Wonky's boyfriend, Kathy Hilton, Rick Hilton, Nicky Hilton, Kim Richards and Kyle Richards at the stupid premiere party for Parasite's stupid reality show.
6. Thanks to Wonky force motorboating her, she now has HPV and has to have "the talk" with any prospective partners.
7. If she bites Wonky, she'll be sent to the Paris Hilton lube factory, which is way worse than the glue factory.
8. She is a fucking pony and she's imprisoned in an indoor fucking playpen!
9. Her name is Lady CoCo Chanel.

Will PETA please take a moment from photographing naked celebrities and use their powers to FREE SAD PONY!

Reading the cast list for the upcoming Oz: The Great and Powerful has left me in a state of hazy confusion. The same kind of hazy confusion that fills me when I watch The Wizard of Oz while completely sober. Sam Raimi, the director of this shit, obviously only wants actors who were nominated for a Golden Globe last year and once starred in a late-90s TV show. Because Sam has cast Michelle Williams (of Dawson's Creek) to star as Glinda alongside Mila Kunis (of That 70s Show) as the Wicked Witch of the West and James Franco (of Freaks and Geeks) as The Wizard. I hope that Sam ignores the "nominated for a Golden Globe" part and casts Topanga from Boy Meets World as the president of the Lollipop Guild.

Variety reports that in Oz: The Great and Powerful (which sounds like the name of an Oz spin-off starring Christopher Meloni's butt cheeks), The Wizard teams up with Glinda to fight the Wicked Witch of the West and the Wicked Witch of the East (played by Rachel Weisz) for control of Oz. Shooting begins this July in Michigan.

Blake Lively reportedly tried to wrap her 20-foot-long legs around the role of Glinda, but she obviously lost out to Michelle Williams. Blake is now wrapping her 20-foot-long legs around Leonardo DiCaprio instead. I'm not sure who ended up with the better project.

I just watched a video of a Memphis Animal Services employee dump live puppies into a trash can without trying to find them homes, so whatever operates the emotion in my system labeled "offended" is completely out of power. Not that I'd be offended by Lars Von Trier's words if I could. It's hard to take the incoherent ramblings of a crazy person seriously (<--- what most bitches say after reading this blog).

During a press conference at Cannes for his movie Melancholia, filmmaker Lars Von Trier let out a heavy stream of verbal diarrhea about Nazis, Israel, Hitler and...well...I'll just let him take it from here.

"I really wanted to be a Jew, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because, you know, my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end. He's not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit. But come on, I'm not for the Second World War, and I'm not against Jews. ...

I am very much for Jews. No, not too much, because Israel is a pain in the ass. How can I get out of this sentence? OK, I'm a Nazi."

Instead of saying he's a Nazi, an easier way of getting out of that sentence would be to stick his foot further down his mouth until his toes stuck out of his ass. Then Lars wouldn't have been able to say what he said next:

"I don't have so much to say, so I kind of have to improvise a little and just to let the feelings I have kind of come out into words. This whole Nazi thing, I don't know where it came from, but you spend a lot of time in Germany, you sometimes want to feel a little free and just talk about this shit, you know?"

The Associated Press says that at this point, one of Melancholia's stars, Kiki Dunst, leaned over and told Lars that "this is terrible." Kiki later told the press, "He likes to run his mouth. I think he dug himself in a deep hole today."

Yup, and lounging at the bottom of that hole is John Galliano, throwing Lars a seductive come hither look. One way to threaten Galliano with a good time is to declare that you're a Nazi.

Here's Lars Von Hitler with Kiki, Charlotte Gainsbourg and John Hurt at the Melancholia photo call yesterday.