Flammable weaves, elegant dresses stolen from the Footballers' Wives costume closet and graceful moves were the theme at the Aintree Ladies Day in Liverpool, England yesterday. Ladies Day is when delicate flowers from all over give dignity the day off and put on their most glamorous ensembles to watch the Grand Nationals. And by "watch the Grand Nationals" I mean stare into a plastic cup full of bottom shelf champagne until it's empty.
This whole event was just a beautiful trash heap of tarnished rhinestones and ho shit antics. Look at this shit! You know you're in a special place when you witness a graceful swan kissing the tarmac with her cooch. This is what my dreams are made of.
I mean, you can't spell "class" without ass (see the portrait above).
Here's the always sexy Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty suffocating the grease-eating pore dwellers on his scalp by wearing an upside down barristers' wig outside of court in London yesterday. Oh, that Dreamy's always making a joke out of the British justice system one way or another! The scab crust on my heart was at his home away from the crackhouse yesterday to face charges for cocaine possession in connection with a socialite's death. Dreamy might've given her the 8 ball that took her over the edge. Dreamy bit the guilty bullet and will go back to court on May 20th for sentencing.
The judge let Dreamy know that because his criminal record is messy messy messy, he's probably going to go to jail for a third time. The accommodations in the chokey are nicer and more luxurious than the ones in Dreamy's own house (aka a tent made from old coats under a bridge), but he's not going there. In this day and age, no judge is going to put that precious face behind bars. Thanks to the royal wedding, all eyes are on England. They want to parade their prized beauties in front of the world, so he's not going anywhere.
And never mind that the wig on Dreamy's head looks better than Brit Brit's weave, he really isn't right for taking that shit. That's a health violation on every level. I'm sure the barrister put that wig back on her head before going back inside. Mutant lice are now running rampant all over the court house and they'll have to shut that shit down for fumigation for MONTHS! Wait. Maybe that was all part of Dreamy's plan after all. Naw. He just wanted to give everyone a quick tingle by accentuating his succulent jowls with that blonde wig.
This A list married couple. Well, not really, because only the woman is. The guy is a hanger on. Anyway, earlier this week they visited her lawyer to talk about a pre-nup. Apparently the yelling got so loud, there was a crowd around the conference room where the meeting was being held. This went on for an hour. Now I wonder whether the wedding will even take place. (CDAN)
Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millipeenorwhatever? I can't really picture Oscar winner and Ivy Leaguer Natalie Portman screaming about cash for an hour straight, so I'm sure she had her yelling double do about 84% of the shouting.
This could also be Xtina, but I don't think she's been drunk enough to put a shiny hitchin' ring on her dude's finger.
This A list married couple with A+ name recognition is going through big problems right now. The reason? The husband has started drinking again (which his wife knows about), doing drugs (his wife does not know), and sleeping with random women (his wife knows about one). (CDAN)
Buzz and Lois Aldrin, of course. DUH! Or Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner?
Which married-with-kids Oscar winner turned heads when he popped into a spa in Hawaii known for its “happy endings?” The actress-wife of this tall actor/writer/director/producer knows all about her hubby’s “special massages”. She turns a blind eye to keep their marriage together. (Blind Gossip)
See above (Ben not Buzz). But it's not cheating unless you exchange saliva! And as the Tiki Gods say, when in Hawaii, get a handjob.
A daughter of a famous B list television actress is claiming to her friends that her mother, a sex symbol of her time, has had an open relationship and has been sleeping with her female caterer as long as she can remember. (BuzzFoto)
MARLA GIBBS! I always had an inkling that Mary and Rose were straight dykin' (copyright: fake Dionne Warwick Twitter). But really, there are so many options with this one. Heather Locklear, Cybill Sheperd, Gillian Anderson, the list goes on!
The 8 mutated syphilis sores who grow stronger in jacuzzi water have all officially signed on to the fourth season of Jersey Shore, which will start shooting in Italy in a few weeks. Snooki, The Situation, Pauly D, Ronnie, Watermelon Dick, Sammi Sweetheart and that other shaved Wooki who isn't Snooki are all coming back to spread a thick layer of pus-filled fuckery on Italy. And they're getting a major raise.
They should really get paid with a few drink tickets, a couple of morning after pills and a coupon book from the free clinic, but Entertainment Weekly says that the main whores (probably Snooki and The Situation) will get at least $100,000 per episode not including bonuses. Each season is typically full of 13 episodes, so that means Snooki and The Situation will have another year where they get to write a seven-figure number on their tax returns! Welcome to a world where the people teaching our youth are making 1/20th of what the whores tainting our youth are making. YAY!!!!
The Jersey Shore whores made around $10,000 an episode for season 2, so this is a swift jump. EW says that even though this might make you feel like you failed in life by going to college, Snooki and company are worth that much money. Jersey Shore continues to rule basic cable and has more viewers than most shows on network TV.
This must be the real reason why Democrats and Republicans were meeting until midnight last night. They weren't going to leave until every cast member of Jersey Shore were secured for next season. They know this country's real priorities! You could see the truth in John Boehner's eyes.
By the way, I didn't really mean that "tainting" part. I wish that when I was a youngin', somebody would've taught me how to squat a piss out behind a bar
Charlie Sheen was already ran the hell out of Detroit after his Violent Torpedo of Shit show sparked a boo riot bigger than the one Aretha Franklin used to bust out when Lafayette Coney Island ran out of chili. Charlie sort of rebounded a little by getting standing ovations in Cleveland and Columbus, but the dehydrated warlock refugee was once again knocked off of his mercury surfboard at Radio City Music Hall in NYC last night. From the reviews I skimmed through, it seems like some of the audience (the hos who lubricated their souls with potent mind-altering substances) jumped onto his crazy train, but most of the audience filled his ears with a familiar sound: BOOS!
When Charlie claimed he was off of the bad shit and completely drug-free, he got hit with a wave of boos. When he talked about the time he screwed a pregnant hooker in Mexico, BOOS! And when he said that Nicolas Cage actually came up with the term "goddesses." BOOS! I'm not sure what kind of crackhead shenanigans the audience expected, but whatever it was Charlie did not deliver. Charlie must've realized that most of his audience wished they were locked in a bathroom at the Plaza Hotel instead, because he squeezed his warlock ass cheeks and cut that shit short after an hour. A couple of dozen people gave him a standing ovation, but most of the audience walked out with their booos leading the way. New York Magazine talked with a few of the fools who dropped their dollars into Charlie's collection cup last night:
When the show ended, almost exactly an hour after it began, the crowd hurried out into the lobby. ”I thought it would be so bad I thought it was funny,” one man said to his date, ”but it wasn’t even.” “The stories weren’t even that good,” another complained. “He obviously needs a script,” a Two and a Half Men fan observed. Outside Radio City, TV cameras swarmed around asking for people’s impressions, as others huddled around to watch. “It was embarrassing,” one guy said. Another countered, “It was hilarious.” On her way down into the subway, a man asked his friend, “What were people expecting?” She replied, "Something better than this?"
The "something better than this" girl was obviously hoping for the kind of crack damaged performance you'd get from a 60-something junkie sitting next to you at the counter of a diner in Herald Square at 3 in the morning. Like the old drunk at the diner who asked me to buy him a coffee and when I said I would, he told me to make it a double whiskey instead. When I turned down that request, he said he wished my mouth will never get a dick hard again (Like my mouth ever got a dick hard in the first place. Joke's on his ass!). If that's what Charlie's audience wanted, they should've went to a diner in Herald Square at 3 in the morning instead.
And since we're here, would it hurt Charlie Sheen at all to use some of that tour money to buy his goddesses better clothes. Last time I checked Aphrodite and Athena didn't go around dressed like rejected extras from Clueless and The Baby-Sitters Club. One looks like she was just rescued from a child sex trafficking ring and the other one looks like a To Catch a Predator decoy. Only PedoBear's ass would consider those two as "goddesses."
As you're soothing your hangover with a bacon stuffed bagel, Sidney Lumet is walking down the orientation hall of heaven rolling his eyes at all the angels doing their own "I'M MAD AS HELL....!!!" Network impersonations for him. That's because legendary Oscar-winning director Sidney Lumet died of lymphoma at his home in NYC this morning. Sidney was 86.
Sidney started off his career directing live TV before making his feature film debut with 12 Angry Men. Sidney later went on to direct Serpico, Murder on the Orient Express, Network, Dog Day Afternoon, Equus, Deathtrap, the Sunday morning stoner classic The Wiz and my personal favorite Gloria starring Sharon Stone. Sidney's last film was Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. Fun little fact: Sidney was married to Mah Boo's mom Gloria Vanderbilt for 7 years.
Sidney is survived by his wife, 2 children, 2 stepchildren, 9 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild.
Rest in peace, Sidney.
The Hang In There, Baby poster that was born in 1969 and continues to grace the walls of classrooms, dental offices, the dorm rooms of ironic hipsters and cat lady kitchens everywhere!
I didn't come face-to-face with Ceiling Cat's grandpa until the early 90s when I got braces. The "Hang In There, Baby" poster my orthodontist had featured an ginger kitten hanging onto the edge of a hammock. He hung it on the ceiling over one of the chairs so you had something to stare at while he Spanxed in your teeth with rubber bands. The poster might've been cute the first or second time I was forced to stare at it, but it got old quick. Whenever I'd go in for a tightening, I'd silently pray that they wouldn't put me under the dangling pussy, but they pretty much always did. At first his eyes said to me, "We're in this together!," but after a while they said, "Bitch, I'll always be hanging over you so deal with it."
I should put one on my bedroom ceiling for old time's sake. If you're going to say "Why me?!" in the morning you might as well do it while Hang In There Cat is staring back at you.
Hugh Hefner (85)
Jackie Evancho (11)
Elle Fanning (13)
Kristen Stewart (21)
Jesse McCartney (24)
Jazmine Sullivan (24)
Leighton Meester (25)
Jay Baruchel (29)
Albert Hammond, Jr. (31)
Yoanna House (31)
Charlie Hunnam (31)
Keisha Knight Pulliam (32)
Rachel Stevens (33)
Jenna Jameson (37)
Austin Peck (40)
Cynthia Nixon (45)
Paulina Porizkova (46)
Joe Scarborough (48)
Marc Jacobs (48)
Martin Margiela (54)
Dennis Quaid (57)
Michael Learned (72)