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Fairly Legal's Sarah Shahi Tweeted her way into the charred layers of my heart over the weekend when she wrote a series poetic Tweets directed at that septic tank skank Parasite Hilton. Sarah launched into a beautiful rage-filled aria after she says Wonky nearly crashed into her before running a stop sign. I want someone to use Sarah's Tweets as the lyrics of a song that Celine Dion (or a French Canadian Celine Dion impersonator) will sing at my funeral. But wait. Wonky told Mario Lopez on Extra that just because it looks like trash and drives like a dick doesn't mean it's her!

"I have no idea! I was so shocked when I read that too. I've never met this person in my life. I wasn't even driving that day. I had just came back from Vegas with my boyfriend and we were at home relaxing. I hadn't even been in a car that day. I literally came with a driver from the airport [and] went to my house. Then later on, I read that. Dude, I wasn't even driving. Maybe it was some other blonde girl who looks like me. There is a lot of look-alikes, Paris look-alikes for a living that live in Los Angeles. They are always doing things and I'm getting blamed for it. So this could be another incident like that."

First of all, the ho is lying. Never trust a bitch who is always winking. Second of all, please tell me she's also lying about there still being Paris look-alikes roaming the streets of L.A. in 2011! You would think that by now every Wonky wannabe would've welded an alien mask to her face, covered her skin with bronze lacquer and stuffed each ass cheek with a yoga ball so that she can whore through the streets as a Kim Kardashian look-alike instead. Famewhore-alikes must stay current!

P.S. - Wonky's boyfriend Cy Waits was attacked outside of the court house today. That Sarah Shahi just won't quit! My hero.

When going down a dude, haven't you wished that he would ejaculate a thank you card (preferably one that looks like this) or even hum out the melody to Dido's "Thank You." Just once, wouldn't you like to suck a dick with some manners?! Well, Alex Pettyfer, star of Beastly and I Am Number Four, has heard your cries for some gentlemanly behavior and that's why he got "thank you" tattooed above his peen area. Alex jokes (I'm guessing) to VMAN (via E! News) that he got the Miss Manners approved tattoo just in case he forgets to say it afterward. Doesn't that just make you want to get "oh, you're very welcome" tattooed on your tongue? And "you forgot to give me a kiss goodbye" tattooed on your ass lips? Words of polite romance don't mean a thing unless they're in black ink.

Alex, who already has a reputation for being a certified bastard prick, went on tell VMAN about how he only moved to L.A. from England for his career and he can't wait to take his polite crotch tattoo out of there.

"L.A. is growing on me a little bit but it's still a shit hole. I think it's this insidious pool where nearly everyone lives in fear. Geographically it's fantastic, but socially it's disgusting. I wish they'd run all the cunts out.

I wish I had some interesting stories about living in L.A., but mostly I just do my work and then go home.

Being an actor is like being in prison. You go, you serve your time, you try and replicate Johnny Depp's career and then you move to Paris."

Alex's "run all the cunts out" of L.A. comment reminded me of one of my favorite childhood stories. You know, the one about the Pied Piper who lured all the cunts (or was it rats, or children?) out of that German village? Yeah, that one. I bet if the Piped Piper did the same thing in L.A., Alex would be the first cunt following him past the city limits.

Julianne Hough to herself: "Shit, I'm totally gonna have to sleep on the floor again tonight." - Popsugar

That homewrecking trash trollop Chelsy Davy better be shopping for jars of Vaseline, because she's going to need one when we have it out in front of the cheese fondue fountain at the wedding - Lainey Gossip

SHUT IT DOWN! The Jersey Shore-ers are spawning! - The Superficial

If Bane is a leather daddy master who knows his way around an electric nipple clamp, then Tom Hardy nailed it! - Towleroad

Err. Uh. Well, the sink is pretty? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ken Paves is weeping at the sight of Jessica Simpson's bale of hay weave - Hollywood Tuna

Elle Macpherson's hair would look better on a cocker spaniel - Popoholic

Steven Tyler's extra juicy moob covers People Magazine - Celebitchy

If you lived at Ikea - The Berry

Donnie Wahlberg saves lives!!! - The Daily What

The Chola Eyebrow Union want to see Lady Caca's credentials before they approve her Sharpie brows (SPOILER ALERT: they won't) - Just Jared

Pink enters her 18th pregnancy term - ICYDK

Beyonce doing the Dougie. Ctrl + Alt + Dead - Necole Bitchie

The Sandy Duncan of garden trolls hangs on to her giant - Hollywood Rag

Wasn't Gary Busey in the first Piranha as one of the piranhas? - SOW

RPattz would either like to sell you a yellow Frigidaire or a beige Dodge Monaco Crestwood - I'm Not Obsessed

Pat O'Brien really doesn't want you to look at that coffin - The Morton Report

What exactly is going on with Ashley Greene and these puppies?! - Cityrag

(Image via INFDaily)

Tommy Girl's butt plugs & lifts fund is about to get filled with a handful of coins from American Media Inc., because the publisher has settled the $50 million defamation lawsuit Stepford Katie brought against them after Star insinuated she was an audit-addicted LRonHubbardhead.

Back in January, Star published a photo of Katie looking like the Russian bread alien and said that she's stumbling all over the place due to the constant Scientology audits she has to undergo. Katie and her lawyers at Larry. H Xenu immediately dropped a lawsuit on Star. Fast forward to today! Above Star's cover story on the third coming of Vanilla Gorilla's foolery, they issued an apology headline as well as this little note inside:

In a recent issue of Star, we published headlines about Katie Holmes that could be read to suggest that she was addicted to drugs. Star did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction. Star apologizes to Ms. Holmes for any misperception and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms. Holmes’ behalf for any harm that we may have caused.

Suri Cruise can now afford to buy the pink diamond and swan skull Louboutins she's had her eye on for months, so this is good news. But it's still funny to me that out of all the things Katie Holmes has been accused of being, it's "drug addict" that snaps her into action.

Meanwhile, a junkie is injecting dirty heroin into their eyeballs while lying in a bath tub full of ice after trading their kidney in for a quick fix and thinking to themselves, "It could be worse. I could be married to Tom Cruise."

via Cover Awards

Jersey Shore, the syphilis outbreak that was made in America, has already spread to our neighbors in Canada and now it has jumped across the sea and infected the UK. Above is the intro to Georgie Shore which features a whorey crew of fine lads and lasses who will attempt to out slut, out orange, out wax, out booze, out silicone, out roid and out piss-in-the-hot-tub our American pride and joys!

Keep your eye (and other parts) on Gary! He's the douuchebag (they add an extra "u" in England) that's going around telling people his dick is the size of a remote control. And just like a remote control, I'm sure you have to manually point Gary's dick in the right direction because it's too stupid to find it on its own. And just like my remote control, I'd hit it several times until it worked for me.

Now that we've gotten Obama's "forged with a rollerball pen that wasn't even invented yet" birth certificate out of the way, we can finally focus on the more important headlines of the day, like Blake Lively's hair color! Looking like if Ariel the Little Mermaid left Prince Eric and married a Reno, NV mob boss who made her the manager of the beauty pageant dress shop he uses as a front for illegal activities, Blake Lively showed off her movie role hair color at Time's Most Influential People Gala in NYC last night. Time naming Blake Lively as one of the most influential people in the world is their way of saying: "We needed more big chichis on the list!"

Because really, the only thing that finds Blake Lively influential is a bowl of lukewarm oatmeal left out on a kitchen counter. That bowl of oatmeal keeps hoping that it will be as oatmeal-ey as her one day! But a ho can keep dreaming, because now Blake is a bowl of oatmeal with a delicious apple cinnamon squirt glaze on top.

Here's Julianne Moore all dressed up in Sarah Palin drag for HBO's Game Change, which started shooting today. Game Change is all about John McCain's 2008 run for president from when he plucked Sarah Palin out of a bear rug's mouth to when he lost against Obama. Ed Harris is playing McCain, Woody Harrelson is playing McCain's senior campaign advisor and Melissa Farman is playing Bristol.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing I care about is who is playing my favorite pill-popping Republican ice queen goddess Cindy McCain?! I swear, if they screw up that casting... They better have cast a magnificent stone cold beauty with sparkling sapphire eyes like that of the silver-plated dolphin bracelet my third grade teacher always wore. You don't know how many times my third grade teacher said, "Oh, my great aunt left it to me when she passed." Ho, was your great aunt named Claire's, because you know that's where it came from!

Come to think of it, my third grade teacher's dolphin bracelet should play Cindy McCain! Or Sandra Lee. One of those.

via Zap2It

On Today this morning, Kate Hudson was on to promote her new movie Something Borrowed From The Plot Lines Of All Her Other Stupid Ass Rom-Coms and she casually let the engagement news drop from her hitchin' finger. While Matt Lauer's eyes danced across Kate's knocked up chichis, he noticed that one of her erect nipples was oddly square-shaped and shining like a diamond. And then he realized it wasn't a nipple waiting to squirt leche, it was an engagement ring from her boyfriend Matt Bellamy of Muse! Kate slyly said she's been waiting for a ho to point it out. Uh huh.

"This is new! I'm engaged! Thank you! It just happened a week ago. I'm so glad you noticed. I haven't really announced it and I kind of felt like the announcing thing felt so silly. You know what I mean? I've just been waiting for somebody to notice."

Kate already said that being pregnant is not unlike being seven shades of stoned as fuck, so I wonder what she'll say being engaged is like? Is like the feeling you get (SO I'VE SEEN IN MOVIES) when you've snorted the last line of coke and you start to roll through a cloud of euphoria, but then a voice in the back of your head reminds you that in a short amount of time you'll be back on planet earth and the only thing you'll have to show for it is bad breath? But you'll be married to that bad breath and have to refrain from slapping it in the head when it sleep farts on your leg in the middle of the night. Is it like that? I'm sure Kate will let us know!

President Obama held a press conference this morning where he called the whole birth certificate thing a "sideshow circus" and then he did what Diane Sawyer should've done to Whitney Houston those many years ago: HE SHOWED THE RECEIPTS! Or in this case, he showed the long form of his birth certificate.

Once the first lady of my dreams Melania Trump awakens from her beauty coma and tosses the solid gold sheets off of her gorgeous body, I'm sure she'll have something to say about this! But in the meantime, we'll have to settle for what Trump, whose hair was born on a lion's ass in Kenya, had to say about this:

"Today I'm very proud of myself, because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I want to look at it, but I hope it's true. ... But he should have done it a long time ago."

Strangely enough, Melania Trump said those exact words after she caught a glimpse of Trump's natural hairline during a windstorm.

And now that this is done (I think), can the birthers please use their powers for a greater cause? I'm talking about getting Prince Hot Ginge to release his birth certificate. And by "birth certificate" I mean "penis."

via HuffPo

In case you missed it, above is part 3 (click here for part 1, and here for part 2) of Lindsay Lohan's damage control interview with Jay Leno which aired last night. LiLo should really be sitting on a cot in jail, but she's sitting across from Jay instead (which is the harsher punishment, I'm not sure). After Jay's audience of clueless dumb fucks stood and clapped for LiLo, she went on to tinkle out the same shit we've heard a million times before. The same shit that we'll probably hear in a few months when Robin Byrd interviews LiLo on public access after she violates her probation by stealing somebody's Oscar (we'll get to that mess in a second).

White Oprah's precious innocent child said she knows she's made a dozen mistakes and she's working her way away from that. She's a fighter and wants to prove to people that you don't need to swallow your rings or eat your valuables with your butt when she comes around. She feels like she let down her fans, but is ready to get back to doing what she really loves: acting. LiLo then said, "As long as I stay focused, then I will be able to achieve what I want to achieve..... I'm a big girl, and I'm gonna do what I'm told to do."

LiLo doesn't think the 120 days in jail ruling was unfair and she thinks she's being treated like everyone else. When she said that canned response that her lawyer (who is married to Jay's house singer) embedded into her brain, you could almost hear White Oprah grinding her teeth something extra from Long Island. Yes, the residents of Long Island are already used to the nightly White Oprah teeth grinding (blame the bad shit), but this was extra booming.

And when Jay asked LiLo where she sees herself in 5 years, she said she hopes she'll be sitting with him after she wins her OSCAAAAAAAH! Yes, I'm sure that in 2016, LiLo will accept her Best Actress Oscar for playing the title role in the Princess Diana biopic and she'll thank her husband Prince William (who will obviously dump Kate Middleton for her) and the 4 third world orphans they adopted together. Yes, this will happen. But you know what really made me throw LiLo a "You still on that narcotic, ho?" look? Bitch thinks Jay Leno will still be hosting The Tonight Show in 5 years! Ring the alarm and drag the crackie back to Lynwood!