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Kate Hudson is currently 7 months knocked up and she says the experience is not unlike the haze your head goes through after sucking on a gigantic joint. Kate sounds high as all Marley so she might be on to something. While talking to Extra about her latest rom- om mess, Kate says that there's a good chance her unborn baby is hot boxin' in her womb and the smoke is traveling up to her head.

“Being pregnant is wonderful. You do get the pregnant mush-brain… you know what it’s like? It’s like getting stoned.”

If Kate meant getting stoned with actual stones would that make more sense? No, she totally meant her brain has been muddled with a mortar made of weed smoke, because she also explained to Entertainment Tonight (via UsWeekly) why she thinks she's having a girl: "So here's the pendulum test. You take a piece of your hair, and you take a ring… and you string it through--this is very witchy of me! And then what you do, is you hold it over your stomach. And then [if it moves in a] circle, [it's] a girl, and a boy goes back and forth."

Yup, stoned and stupid.

But really, Kate's lips needs to assume the STFU position! 2011 is already overflowing with BABIES!! and we don't need anymore. Thanks to her, Snoop Dogg is going to try to become a professional surrogate and Cameron Diaz will beat OctoMom's record by next year. Me, I'll stick with my bong, because it doesn't always spray me with a stream of dirty liquid when I change its bowl.

BlindGossip – This reality television show’s season premiere is coming up soon. While there will be plenty of drama on the show, there are a whole lot of lies hiding behind the scenes:

Cast member A has lost a few pounds. She will claim on camera that it is from healthier living. The truth is that she had lap-band surgery a few months ago.

Although A claimed last season that cast member B was “just like family”, the two now have absolutely no contact with each other when the cameras aren’t rolling. Once B lost her money, A wanted nothing to do with her.

B absolutely hates cast member C for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that she believes that C had an affair with B’s husband.

Cast member C’s family pretends that they are the wealthiest of all. However, their house is under water and they have a huge balloon payment (> $1 million) due in the next year that they will not be able to pay off.

Cast member D used to work as a call girl in a major US city.

Cast member E and her husband are going broke trying to portray themselves as wealthy people for the show. In real life, she is a hairdresser and he pumps gas. (Blind Gossip)

The show: The Real Housewives of New Jersey sans Prostitution Whore-ah?
A: Caroline Manzo?
B: Teresea "Gorilla Head" Giudice?
C: Melissa Gorga who is married to Teresa's brother?
D: Jacqueline?
E: Kathy Wakile who should hit her daddy E.T. up for some royalty money?

Which talk-show host kicked off her career as a stripper? She was often entwined with another dancer on and off the pole, and the two remain very close friends. (Page Six)

PleaseletitbeElisabethHasselbeck. PleaseletitbeElisabethHasselbeck. PleaseletitbeElisabethHasselbeck. PleaseletitbeElisabethHasselbeck.

This mostly movie B- list actress has had something strange happen to her. Most of the time when someone cheats on someone with another actor in this town, nothing really happens. Apparently though, the scorned C+ television actress has made it her own personal crusade to tell everyone who will listen about how badly she was hurt by the cheating actress because of what she had done for her ex. She of course also blames her ex, the A- list television actor from a hit show. The crusade has made the two cheaters kind of pariahs among their peers. (CDAN)

Julia Stiles? Michael C. Hall and that Jennifer Carpenter bug from Dexter?

One cannot begin to describe the Mr. Miyagi meets preschool craft hour meets Dutch lesbian house painter ridiculousness that exploded all over Pete Burns in London today, but it really doesn't matter. Words are cheap (and so are fanny packs apparently since ho has two) when describing the beauty of Pete Burns. Just allow your eyes to skip along his scribbled BIC pen brows before falling past his silicone mound cheeks and landing safely on the pink leeches mating on his mouth. An art school could devote an entire course to Pete's lip liner application. Perfection.

You know, Cher playing Rocky Dennis in Mask instead of Eric Stoltz sounds like a bad idea, but Pete Burns proves that it's a beautiful thing. Pete can actually play both roles. He's like a one-man production of Mask!

And now I'll leave you to get lost in the gorgeousness Pete is serving up.

What kiss?! This shit just looks like Kristen Stewart and RPattz playing a game of patty cake with their noses. That's all! - Just Jared

RPattz's dog gets papped with no panties on. TRAMP! - Lainey Gossip

Evan Rachel Wood likes chicks and dicks - The Superficial

Tornadoes are snatching up hamburgers now - Boston Barstool Sports

R.I.P. Queerty - Towleroad

Why is Malin Akerman wearing a toddler's apron as a vest? - Hollywood Tuna

Coachella really turned everyone into a 1970s Nascar slut. Example: Tallulah Willis (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

I normally don't approve of remakes, but we're going need one of Xanadu starring this dude - TDW

PUPPIES!!! and such - The Berry

Halle Berry looks hot while Olivier Martinez looks stoned - Popoholic

Those strings on Serena Williams' bikini bottoms are holding on for dear life! - ICYDK

The epitome of a world class beauty as always - Hollywood Rag

It's always COOKIE TIME! - OMG Blog

Methinks the technician also lasered Kim Kardashian's brain away - Celebitchy

A baby came out of there 90 days ago - Popsugar

Woodstock is rolling in its grave - Cityrag

Johnny Knockedupville, that is (sorry, it's Monday) - I'm Not Obsessed

Please tell me Stacey Q is opening for Tiffany and Debbie Gibson - SOW

(Image via INFDaily)

I thought I was the only one who carried a Ziploc bag full of cream cheese frosting, but I guess Vanessa Hudgens is right there with me and being at Coachella just really makes he want to eat finger fulls of cake dressing. Or she cuts her coke with Twinkie cream. Or Elmer's glue is a lot stronger than I remember from my kindergarten junkie days. Or it's Suboxone paste. Or it's the white blood of Mickey Mouse. Or it's pure MDMA. Or she figures that the only way she'll get Zac Efron back is if her breath smells like jizz.

Every one of those makes complete sense so let's just say it's a mixture of them all! Get your sugar high roll on, Vanessa!

In today's "Lea Michele never left the snotty quad bitch act in high school" news, E! News says that she was in fine form at Coachella over the weekend. A witness type says that Lea was hanging out with her Glee co-stars, Chord Overstreet and Harry Shum Jr., in the VIP section when a couple of girls joined their group. Lea Michele's eyes were meant to roll and her lips were meant to smack together, so she let her natural gifts fly. This is how the witness puts it:

"Harry introduced himself to two girls as Jerry from San Luis Obispo and said he was unemployed. The girls played along even though they knew who he was. But when one girl jokingly called 'Jerry' over to sit with them later, Lea couldn't resist making fun of her... Lea started laughing and imitated her in a high-pitched voice. She was totally mocking her for no reason."

High-pitched voice? Asshole-y demeanor? Are we sure that Lea Michele wasn't mocking the girl, but just acting like her usual self? The intonations of some people's voices are naturally set to: bitch. It's just our way. I should know, every time I order anything from McDonald's (or other fine establishments) the cashier always thinks I'm bringing my best cunt forward and stomps off. I can't help it! But my palate has grown accustomed to the taste of scorned saliva, so I wouldn't have it any other way!

And yes, I actually wrote a post about a young ho mocking another young ho. I've come so far from my childhood days of writing a fictional gossip column for my junior high school newsletter (my fake columns never made it to print, by the way).

(Image via Wireimage)

Miley Cyrus is a joint creation between Disney and Silicon Valley to keep the annoying art of public camera phone whoring alive and well in the prostitot community, so a million sighs of relief were exhaled out when she returned to Twitter where she belongs! Miley came back hard by posting this picture along with the note: "Rocking piggy tails for the first time since like 6th grade! I love summer time." Yes, Miley wants you to pay attention to her "piggy tails" in this picture. Since when does "piggy tails" stand for side tit, open faced armpit and a tattoo inspired by her Native American roots (that color in the wind you just saw was from Pocahontas farting her disgust over this)?

This tattoo wasn't an awful decision because it looks like braided pit hair that has migrated south. It was an awful decision, because what is she going to do when Billy Ray Cyrus shows up at her door with the word "dream" tattooed on his tongue?

via The Sun

With the help of a steamroller, two cast iron hot plates, this picture of John Travolta (which can turn any gay hair straight) and enough balm to fill a Beyonce rider, a team of stylists tamed the wild bushel of Gossamer pubes on Carrot Top's head for a Las Vegas Magazine photo shoot. The result has obviously given you the answer to the question: "Could I ever be attracted to the secret toilet baby of Jackie Stallone and Fabio?" Don't act like the answer isn't "YES!YES!YES!," because who can deny the come hither look of a female-to-male transsexual ginger who runs a mini-mall beauty salon/car insurance firm? It's a good thing that sofa is leather, because if it wasn't you might leave a panty pudding stain after you sit down.

I bet Carrot Top loved his new luxurious look so much that he pulled out the flat iron and matched the carpet to his drapes. Now when he hits it from the back, he can tickle your taint with the tips of his flowing pube cape.

Here's a video of how they made Carrot Top even more nipple-burning gorgeous. It's NSFW since it's obviously porn.

via Las Vegas Magazine (Thanks OurMissC)

You know shit is an extra kind of busted when the hottest piece in a picture is knee-length denim skirt, suede boots and a facial expression that says: "I am so not fucked up enough to deal with this mess in front of me." It's okay if Lindsay Lohan insists on looking like a 50-something worn out lot lizard circa 1981 who trades handjobs for Camel Cash and knows which gas station bathrooms in a 10-mile radius still have working locks on their doors, but why is she styling Steven Tyler 17-year-old Ali Lohan the same way? I know they're at Coachella, but it's really not right that Ali thinks she has the stuff to work a pair of Mexican abuelo moccasins. Not today. Not ever.

Furtherwhore, LiLo really needs to turn that camera around and get an up-close picture of the top of her head which looks like it was just the scene of a battle between peroxide, weave glue and meth lab sparks. I didn't know "meth part" actually existed until now. When LiLo goes to court on Friday to possibly plead GUILTY (she won't), the judge better throw the book at her. The book being "The Weavemaster's Bible," of course.

Brooke Mueller's week of crackwhore shenanigans came to a close yesterday when she did the inevitable by checking herself into rehab for the (count as high as you can and enter it here)th time. Unless Brooke spewed out a dozen catchphrases on Ustream and booked a multi-city tour, rehab was pretty much the only option for a crackie like her. As part of her child custody agreement with Charlie Sheen, Brooke was supposed to squat over a plastic cup on Friday for a drug test, but she never showed up since the contents of her bladder could make a drug sniffing dog's nose fall the hell off. Brooke opted for rehab instead!

TMZ says that Brooke is obviously trying to cover her own ass, because her child custody settlement is now in jeopardy. Radar says that the ramshackle warlock prophet has already made moves to get custody of his twins. A source says that Charlie Sheen's lawyer will file documents asking a judge to turn custody of the boys over to him. Brooke's lawyer is ready to argue that her mother is taking good care of the boys and Charlie has only seen them a handful of times over the past few months. The source went on to say, "Charlie has had enough with her excuses, period. Brooke refused to take a random drug test. Charlie's attorney will use that as evidence that the boys are better off with him than with Brooke."

Saying Charlie and Brooke's twins are totally fucked is an understatement greater than a Catholic priest saying he's okay with children. If Brooke keeps custody of the boys, it's only a matter of time before they end up on the storage room shelf of a pawn shop in Inglewood. If Charlie gets custody, it's only a matter of time before they end up wiping tears from the face of a naked whore after their daddy locks all of 'em in a hotel bathroom. I'll tell them what my therapist told me when I was 13: "You're screwed up beyond the point of no return so run with it!"

If Brooke needs a good reason for why she's back on crack, she should just show the above picture to the court. Your brain's natural reaction to being touched by Wonky is to instruct your mouth to put itself over a crack pipe as soon as possible. Scientists have proven this.