Archives

Fishsticks Paltrow is EVERYWHERE whoring out her cookbook like the bill from her exclusive organic herbalist is due tomorrow and so she's giving interviews to anybody who will stick a recording device under her mouth (Pre-approved by her people, of course. Fishy cares about where her spit lands.). Fishy exchanged words with Self Magazine and they talked about what she puts in her mouth (fried clams, red wine, duck sausage, the distilled tears of the maids she scolds for washing their hands in the guest powder room instead of the servants sink in the cellar), how much she works out during the week (90 minutes a day, 5 times a week) and how her trainer Tracy "Batwinginator" Anderson is solving the problem that is her SpongeBob ass. Yeah, this is the mess that came out of Fishy's mouth when Self asked her about her challenge areas:

"My butt! My butt, butt, butt. When Tracy met me, she said that I had a long, square butt that she was going to redesign, and I was, like, "Yeah? Good luck." The amazing thing is, she was right! And it's still changing!"

Redesign?! Okay, now I watch a lot of DIY Network (because men in tight t-shirts talking about wood and calk speaks to me in a special way) and I know that during a remodel you can't remove a load bearing pillar. You just can't. And Fishy's got a major load bearing pillar shoved so far up her culo that if she opened her mouth really wide you could see the top of it. It's not going anywhere, so she should just embrace her flat, square, long ass. It's a beautiful thing. The kids can even roll out dough on it for pizza that will go into the fancy oven in their garden. It's fun for the whole family.

There's a good reason for why Brooke Mueller is chasing puppies in her neighborhood around with a plastic cup in her hand and has offered to do Fergie's laundry for free. Radar says that Charlie Sheen's ex-wife had a drug test today and there's a good chance something (see: crack) in her piss ain't clean. If Brooke tests positive for the bad shit, a judge could snatch away custody of her twin boys.

A friend of Brooke's said that she found out early this morning that she's got to squat over a plastic cup of doom. As soon as Brooke found out, she started calling up her friends and begged them to piss in her vagina (or whatever) so she can pass the test. The friend went on to say, "Brooke admitted to relapsing. She hasn't been returning calls, which usually means she's using. She's absolutely freaked out that this potential dirty test could result in her losing custody of their 2-year-old twins (Bob and Max) to Charlie."

Brooke not only looks like the taxidermy head of a shocked deer, but she has the brain of one too. I mean, don't they check the temperature on the cup after you piss on it? Not only that, but why is Brooke asking her friends for piss when she's got two toddlers at home whom I'm guessing have never touched booze or an illegal substance. She's got clean piss on tap at home! Just get one of the twins to piss in a Ziploc bag, shove the bag up your twat so it will stay warm, waddle over to the testing facility and spray your way to a passing test. I swear, do I need to move into that ho's head and do all the scheming for her from now on?

Well, we finally have an explanation as to why she keeps popping up with seemingly random celebrities. She doesn’t just want to be a famous actress. She wants to be taken seriously as an actress. Yes, folks, she’s aiming for Oscar gold! To that end, she thinks that the more Academy Award winners she kisses (at least four), sleeps with, attends parties for/with, etc., the more seriously people will take her. Girl, Oscars aren’t won by osmosis. If you want to be taken more seriously, dye your hair brown, put the twins away, and try doing more than one film a year. Oh, and try to avoid getting knocked up by men to whom you’re not married. (Blind Gossip)

I guess ScarJo is supposed to be the one who thinks she can fuck her way to an Oscar? Whatever works. But I resent that little statement about bitches only taking her ass seriously if she goes brown, shields her chichis from view and keeps her ovaries closed to dudes who aren't her husband. Shauna Sand is the opposite of that and she's the only person in life I take seriously (pretty much, not really)!

Which movie actor, who has previously dated tons of pretty actresses and singers, is not really into women? As whispers that he’s gay grow louder, he’s recently cooked up a plan to have a fake marriage within the next few years. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

Jake Gyllenhaal, Jake Gyllenhaal, or Jake Gyllenhaal? And I hope the fake marriage is to Joe Jonas. That will shut down the rumors for sure.

This actor from the show (All My Children) who seems like he has been on there forever, annoys every teenager hired by the show by daily reminding them how many days left they have until they turn 18 and then can date him. He also loves to get handsy. (CDAN)

Tad Martin, how could you?!

This actress, who has been on the show (One Life to Live) for a long, long time has always slept with every actor in real life who she was sleeping with on the show. She called it method. I wonder what her husband would call it. (CDAN)

Jessica Buchanan, how could you?!

Brangelina look like they've just finished a strenuous 12-hour heroin binge in a poorly insulated backyard shed with no air conditioning. Somebody hug their faces with blotting paper! - Lainey Gossip

Flamer in a porn store alert. This is why you shouldn't use lighter fuel as lube. - Boston Barstool Sports

Jennifer Lawrence giving her best "dead hooker on the side of the road" face in GQ - The Superficial

Whatever it is Fergie injects into her face is starting to migrate - Hollywood Tuna

The Hulk will be furry if Mark Ruffalo can help it - Towleroad

"I wish I was as skinny as you." - a chopstick to Kate Bosworth's leg (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Joaquin Phoenix will rise from his burnt beard ashes with a little help from Xenu - Celebitchy

The only way Rebecca Black's Friday could be more soul killing worse is if Lea Michele sang it. Nightmare granted. - Just Jared

....as PedoBear serenades this Tweet with an acoustic rendition of "It Must Be Love" - TDW

The lady behind Hayden Pantawhatever is wondering how she fucks on her Redwood tree of a boyfriend - Popoholic

Prince Von A Hole's latest stunt queen move - ICYDK

What in the name of Clockwork Orange is Cameron Diaz wearing? - Popsugar

Yes, this sitcom character kid has moves, but damn, the Apple dude who shut down his dreams is hot - The Berry

$30,000 check made out to cash and a hit from a crack pipe not included - OMG Blog

Please double punch me in the eyes for mistaking this for Christina Hendricks at first - Cityrag

Courteney Cox shows David Arquette that two can play the TMI game - I'm Not Obsessed

Beyonce's back up dancers look like they are fresh off the runaway of a low budget mall fashion show - Hollywood Rag

In the dramatization above, the role of me is played by Erica Kane and the role of ABC is played by Annie. This best expresses my feelings about ABC putting two of my former babysitters in a casket and burying them forever. ABC made me wail out a sad tail of NOOOOOOOs by officially killing two classic soap opera masterpieces. They are murdering MAH STORIES!!!!!

The press release from ABC is below. It hurts even more that they are replacing these beloved pieces of my childhood with a foodies talk show called The Chew and a makeover talk show called The Revolution! We all know why I weep today.

“While we are excited about our new shows and the shift in our business, I can’t help but recognize how bittersweet the change is. We are taking this bold step to expand our business because viewers are looking for different types of programming these days. They are telling us there is room for informative, authentic and fun shows that are relatable, offer a wide variety of opinions and focus on ‘real life’ takeaways.

All My Children and One Life to Live are iconic pieces of television that have made an indelible mark on our culture’s history. Each of the shows has touched millions and millions of viewers and informed the social consciousness. It has been a privilege to work with the extraordinary teams who brought the residents of Pine Valley and Llanview to life each day, and we thank the cast, crew, producers and most especially the fans for their commitment to the shows through their history.”

All My Children will be put to sleep on September after 41 years on air. One Life to Live will have no more lives to live in January 2012 after 43 years on air. The slut I care about the least, General Hospital, will stay on air.

This is truly is a sad covered in a sad covered in another sad. Erica Kane, Tina Lord Buchanan, Asian Blair Cramer and Dorian Lord are like second, third, fourth and fifth role model mothers to me. WHY???????!

via TV Line

During a concert in Monterrey, Mexico, Shakira (who was dressed like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls for some reason) grabbed at the hands of her fans in the audience when one bold burglar bitch showed no shame by slipping a ring right off of her finger. And right under her nose. LITERALLY. Shakira realized something was amiss, looked down at her empty finger and made a mental note to replace it with another gem from her jewelry vault. Seriously, you know you're a next level kind of rich when you barely blink after a motherfucker jacks your ass like this!

Shakira didn't shut it down. Shakira didn't snap for the lights. Shakira didn't have everybody arrested. Shakira didn't do any of that!

I would've called a time out, put that bitch on lockdown and given everybody a personal TSA experience. Who cares if they hid it in their natural hiding place. Everybody would have to line up, drop their panties and find a way to make their butts cough. Call in the sniffin' dogs! Call in the everybody! Who cares if the ring might have been worthless. That's not the point. You can't rob a bitch to their face and think you'll get away with it.

And furthermore, who the hell let Lindsay Lohan into Mexico in the first place?!

UPDATE: Shakira's rep says that nothing was snatched and she still has her ring. Re-route Detective La Toya's mystery mobile, because her services are no longer needed in Mexico.

via E! Online

Bret Easton Ellis, author of American Psycho and Less Than Zero who is also bi-sexual, started a small Twitter fire of rage the other night when he said that watching Chris Colfer's Le Jazz Hot number from Glee made him feel like he caught HIV via puddle steppin'. Bret has a really strange way of flirting with Victoria Jackson and asking her crazy ass out on a date. But her answer is: YES! YES! YES!

via Towleroad

Ever since the laws of medical science were defied when Benicio Del Toro's hairy sperm fishes took a wrong turn and smashed straight into one of Kimbo Stewart's ovaries, I've realized that the world has a bizarre way of showing us that anything can happen. Anything really can happen. So let's not rule out that this image is of John Cougarless Mellencamp peeking in on the bump holding his and Meg Ryan's unborn baby at an airport in Vancouver yesterday. Prepare yourself for a baby that will come out looking like a miniature wolf man with the face of Howard the Duck.

Sure, there's a good chance John is doing something else to Meg Ryan's down low area, but Sunday morning mass is still 3 days away so let's not do that to ourselves right now.

The coke-laced delusions of grandeur that constantly hard fuck the frontal lobes of Lindsay Lohan's brain worked up a serious sweat last night at Beauty & Essex in NYC! LiLo held court at a table of her trained head nodders and went on about how she's best friends with James Franco and will consider playing Glinda in the new Oz movie if her "best friend" is involved. HAHAHA. The shit that comes out of that crazy ho's mouth. Some ignis fatuus shit to the tenth degree.

It's sort of like if I held court at a table of no one at the Olive Garden and mouth farted about how I'm going to decorate the guest room in the charming Cape Cod beach house Anderson Cooper is going to buy for us after our wedding. I mean, I'm nuts, but I've never done that. (Note to the Olive Garden waiter side-eye-ing that sentence: You don't know what you saw! You lie! Shut your eyes! Shut your fingers! Just shut it!)

Page Six says that LiLo talked about playing Victoria Gotti even though it's not a done deal yet. LiLo then said she wants the female role in Oliver Stone's Savages and will consider playing Glinda in Oz: The Great and Powerful. LiLo kept the laughs going when she went on to say, "I'll only do the movie if I can work with [James Franco]. We're like best friends. We're hanging out later." FYI: Blake NotSoLively is in talks for both of the roles LiLo has her good eye on.

A source tells Page Six that the producers of Oz have never and will never consider LiLo for Glinda.

I would feel sorry for LiLo, but my emotions are currently occupied with other things: namely, laughing. I can totally picture White Oprah cold calling up the casting directors of high-profile projects to politely thank them for considering LiLo for the lead role, but unfortunately she's got too much on her plate at the moment: namely, coke.

Reese Witherspoon recently WAH WAH WAHed out that she sits in her car and weeps mournful tears for the loss of her privacy, but ho really should be bawling at the fact that she's swallowed way too many tablespoons of sparkly vampire sputum. The lining of Reese's stomach now looks like the inside of a Twihard's chonies after they fapped with a bottle of body glitter to the leaked Breaking Dawn sex pictures. Reese tells InTouch that shooting her big fake fuck scene with RPattz for that movie about elephants with cotton mouth was not unlike making out with a toad's runny ass.

On the day they had to exchange fluids, RPattz's fluids had a little extra something in it thanks to the cold he came down with. Reese oh-so-eloquently put it like this: “Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I’ve ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing. I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding! I’m going to say it’s a little bit of a downer. I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t sexy.”

Are we sure RPattz isn't allergic to Reese's ass? You know, a Reese and RPattz hump scene doesn't sound sexy in the first place, so him shooting mucus balls from his nose is just nature's way of barfing. Oh, and that chorus of squishes you hear is every Twihard getting down to Reese's quote. It's going to take more than green snot to keep them off the body glitter bottle.