If you saw a rainbow shaking in the sky yesterday, then you witnessed the moment Mimi's twin unicorlings started to finally push themselves out of her down low glitter heart, but she desperately wanted them to be born on the day of her 3rd wedding anniversary with Nick Cannon, so she held her vagina tight the same way she holds an earth-shattering high note. And then at around 12:07pm EST today, she finally exhaled and out poured a pair of candy coated babies who brought with them a placenta made of Jolly Ranchers and their first cry is expected to debut at #1 on iTunes charts later today (TRUTH NOTE: She probably had her C-section scheduled for today).
Yes, after being pregnant for at least two centuries, thee Mimi has finally given thee birth! AND THE LAMBS AND UNICORNS CRY IN UNISON!!!!! Here's the announcement the cherubs carried on a Lisa Frank scroll to People:
Carey, 42, delivered the babies Saturday at 12:07 p.m. EST at an undisclosed hospital in Los Angeles. Carey's representative, Cindi Berger, confirmed the births to The Associated Press, saying the baby girl was born first, weighing 5 lbs., 3 oz., and was 18 inches long; her brother was next, at 5 lbs. 6 oz., and was 19 inches.
Berger tells PEOPLE "she's doing great" and they were listening to Carey's "We Belong Together" after the children were born. "I spoke to both of them and they are both completely overjoyed."
Asked if the birth was planned to coincide with her anniversary, she said: "No, not even Mariah could plan that."
"Nick was very nervous and Mariah was completely calm. Mariah thought it was another soft labor and Nick was driving her to the hospital and she very calm and the music was blasting," she added. "When they walked into the hospital, [Nick] was going the wrong way and they nurse redirected them to go the maternity ward, and I said to her, 'that's right out of I Love Lucy,' and she laughed."
Mimi and Nick have yet to release their babies' names, because they're waiting for the trademark to be approved and their lawyers are checking to see if they will have any copyright issues if they name one of them after a Gummi Bears character.
There's no doubt that Mimi and Nick will give them a name worthy of a gay Care Bear whose ass spits sequins. Like you would ever hear Mimi scream, "Jennifer, do you want the rhinestone-encrusted pony tail hair extensions or the strawberry-flavored ones?" More like, "Butterfly Fantasy Honey, do you want the rhinestone-encrusted pony tail hair extensions of the strawberry-flavored ones?" And that will be the boys' name.
Seen here dressed like a Nascar parking lot hooker who is always talking about how she's trying to get to Las Vegas to become a dancer in a big time classy-like stage show (SPOILER ALERT: She ends up working as a morning-shift cashier at strip club in Henderson), Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' 17-year-old daughter Tallulah Belle was caught with a bottle of the sweet nectar in Hollywood at around 11pm last night. If your stepfather is Ashton Kutcher, you should legally be allowed to drown the fact that your stepfather is Ashton Kutcher with booze. It should say that on alcohol labels right next to the part about how it's wrong to marinate your fetus with whiskey.
TMZ says that Tallulah and two of her friends were getting out of a car when the cops noticed their stupid asses carrying two bottles of booze. Since Tallulah and both of her friends are underage, the cops cited them all with underage possession. The cops refused to release them back into the wild on their own, so Demi had to take a moment out from injecting her face with liquefied plastic baby parts to pick her up.
Sure, we can all say that Tallulah is as thick as her battering ram chin for not getting drunk in the dark part of her garage the same way we did when we were 17, but that's not the extra dumb part. The extra dumb part is that they were a) driving and b) they didn't even try to hide their booze bottles while out in public. We're all taught at a very young age that if you're going to get drunk outside of a bar or house, put your vodka in a water bottle or some kind of container that isn't clear. This is the DUH of all DUHs! Even BABIES know this! I swear, Tallulah deserves several swats to the chin for that dumb move alone.
Ben Sheward, the cartwheeling verger who was so happy about the Royal Wedding (or happy that it was FINALLY done with) that he let his emotions flip him over so that his crotch smiled at the sky!
Now, you know that when I said my Royal Wedding coverage was done, I was lying. The Royal Wedding is like that one-night trick you can't get to leave. After you've had your fun and you throw out a not-so-subtle hint by saying, "Aaaaaah, I'm so busy today. I have to flea dip my crotch and crochet a dozen yarn muffins for obese orphans, etc...", they still won't leave! You take a shower, come out and find that they've made you breakfast. You like breakfast, so you eat it. Then you go into your bathroom and say you have to pluck each one of your pubic hairs out on by one (which could take HOURS, if not days) and you come back out to find that they've color-coded all of your books. You like looking at a book shelf full of color-coded books, so you say thank you, but then you tell them that you've just been told that you have exactly 2 hours to live because your last kidney is about to give out. Your one-night trick then tells you that not only does he have an extra kidney he can give you, but he's also a surgeon who specializes in doing bath tub surgeries on the fly. He just won't leave.
The Royal Wedding is like that. You want them to leave, but then they give you gems like this video of the Cartwheeling Verger!
Willie Nelson (78)
Dianna Agron (25)
Kirsten Dunst (29)
Tyler Labine (33)
Amanda Palmer (35)
Johnny Galecki (36)
Jeff Timmons (38)
Adrian Pasdar (46)
Lars Von Trier (55)
Jane Campion (57)
Burt Young (71)
Gary Collins (73)
Cloris Leachman (85)
After a day full of technicolor wedding hat bukkake, you might be craving something simple like pictures of Alexander Skarsgard talking on the phone after lonche in L.A. yesterday, so here's some simple pictures of Alexander Skarsgard talking on the phone after lonche in L.A. yesterday. Not sure who's hanging on to his ear, but he seems into it. Maybe he's telling Kate Bosworth that he really can't wait to get home and use her salad tong legs to toss the lettuce (not a euphemism). But then again, he could be gnawing on his soul while trying to communicate with his credit card company's customer service. Like me yesterday!
You know, when I call to make a payment, you'd think that they would want me to put out and get out before I change my mind. It's such a rare occasion that I actually make a payment (I'm joking! No, I'm not!) ! But they don't, they always have to try to sell me Segway insurance or anal cavity protection or whatever. When I tell them no, they push. When I tell them I'm vulnerable and making a payment to them is a very hard thing for me to swallow, they push harder. And when I finally hang up on them and they're forced to spend their lunch hour reporting me to collections, I only blame them for this! It's their fault they can't enjoy their cheese and mayo sandwich in the lunch room with the others! They just couldn't let me be!
Yeah, that's totally what ASkars is doing.
On another note, unless January Jones decides to mix headlines by revealing that the father of her baby is Prince Philip, this will be my last post of the day. I'm in Texas so there's drunken pedicab rides to be had and I must terrorize what's left of my bowels with massive amounts of fried everything. Yay!
First look at the opening number for Brit Brit's upcoming tour - The Daily What
The only way this exit would've been badass is if Duchess Kate rode on top of the hood while whipping her hair around to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" - Lainey Gossip
Looking like you've been passed out face first in a mountain of maggots for X amount of days is not what I consider "being awesome," but I'll let Charlie Sheen continue to have it - The Superficial
The word "fuckin'" is on notice for knowingly jumping out of Trump's mouth - Towleroad
Reese Witherspoon is wearing a dress. It's red. This is what we're dealing with today that's not "you know what" related - Hollywood Tuna
Kathie Lee Gifford was robbed! Ann Curry will replace Meredith Vieira on Today - Celebitchy
And now my heart is full of barf - The Berry
A bikini: Nicole Richie's in one (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Colin Farrell, just because - Just Jared
Instead of dropping cleavage, RiRi needs to drop that Hot Tamales shit from her head - Popholic
Jon Gosselin's life has just been made - Boston Barstool Sports
I'm going to guess....Steven Tyler? - Popsugar
Texas plays nice with Chace Crawford. If they really wanted to ruin his everything, they could've sentenced him to 2 years without waterproof clear mascara - ICYDK
Jessica Seinfeld looks like a box of neon markers - Go Fug Yourself
And the homeless shelter theater Tony Award goes to.... - Celebslam
Something tells me Vin Diesel wants you to sit and spin - Hollywood Rag
FREE FRAAAAAANKIE (again) - Sandra Rose
The only good that can come of this is the long-awaited return of Jade - OMG Blog
A chipmunk reenacts Tommy Girl's favorite activity - Cityrag
Oh, don't you titty feed your baby in red heels, a white satin robe and perfect hair too? - I'm Not Obsessed
With everyone's idol Flower Girl Grace trying to stop the madness with her hands and this picture of Prince Hot Ginge checking up on his royal scepter, I can say with complete confidence that there's nothing more to see here. Our work here is done! If you don't believe me, stick a thermometer in my no-no to be sure. Yeah, you probably won't ever see it again, but by the off chance you do, you'll see that whatever Royal Wedding fever shit I was suffering from is now gone! I must now focus my energy on trying to find a coffin whose interior goes perfectly with the picture above. Don't act like you didn't know I was going to bond this picture to the inside of my coffin door so that I can ride it to the underworld. I like to plan ahead.
So with that, the party is over! Grab a centerpiece and fill your purse with plastic swans and Jordan Almonds before that sneaky shifty ginger Fergie crawls in to snatch 'em all for her eBay business. And since we're on the subject of that mess Fergie, I also threw in some pictures of her daughters Princess Eugenie and Beatrice looking like they just fell out of the Big Business costume closet. The good thing is that Princess Beatrice's hat will be donated to a middle school science class so that they can see what real life intestines look like.
via The Mirror
While Becks high-pitched perky demeanor matched his "young Shirley Temple on fast forward" voice, Posh was pretty much the opposite at that one wedding this morning. Who farted lard into the bowl of nothing Posh eats every morning? Posh was probably hating life more than usual because she couldn't show off her size negative ten praying mantis body due to the bountiful mound of baby stuck to the front of her body. But Posh tried to make it work by gluing a giant blue Tic Tac to her head and covering her body with one of the navy tablecloths from my 9th grade winter formal (the theme was "Paris at Midnight" - GAG).
But if Posh did make the sliver of a tiny smile with her mouth, they would've shut that wedding down and the country would've declared a national emergency. When Posh's permacunt ass smiles, we all pile into the safe houses.
Kate Middleton doesn't want the common people of England to ever think that she's above their commonness, so she decided to not wear the classic English rose bridal ensemble above that drips elegance as much as it makes the angels drip tears over its sheer beauty. Some ladies just aren't refined enough to carry a bridal two-piece made entirely of pasties. Kate understands this and she played it well by wearing a dress from David Bridal's "Copycat Grace Kelly" collection. No, it was designed by Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen. You know, I'll slide my bitchiness to the side to say that even though I prefer my dresses with rhinestones, peek-a-boo holes and nipple latches, this worked for Kate! Here's the statement the palace (THE PALACE!!!) released the second Kate's toe stepped out of her car:
"Miss Middleton chose British brand Alexander McQueen for the beauty of its craftsmanship and its respect for traditional workmanship and the technical construction of clothing. [She] wished for her dress to combine tradition and modernity with the artistic vision that characterises Alexander McQueen's work."
A million copies of this are being made by child slaves in Chinese sweat shops as we speak! But to appeal to today's modern woman, they will chop the sleeves off, plunge the neckline to the belly button, remove the underlay over the breasts, hike up the front and install a built-in-thong!
And this is sort of off-topic, but one of my favorite parts of the ceremony is when Prince William had a little trouble getting Kate's ring on. At first, I thought SHOT GUN! But then I shook my head at Kate for being off her game. Always dip your finger in Crisco beforehand so that the ring always fits even if a sneaky snatch tries to sabotage you by switching it with a smaller one.