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It's the season of the bouncing ass publicists! Charlie Sheen's was first and now Page Six is saying that Chris Brown's publicist, Tammy Brook, has turned in her Nerd Power membership card. Was it because Tammy was sick of her BlackBerry burning up due to requests from scientists wanting to study the gamma radiation that flows through Chris' veins? Or was it because the Hulk Urkel blames her for the questions Robin Roberts asked him on Good Morning America? Tammy says its neither. Being the good publicist that she is, Tammy says to stop being so dramatic, because it's not like that. In a statement to TMZ, Tammy says that her work is done now that Chris' album is out.

"I am an entertainment/music publicist and was hired as a publicist, as they often are, to work specifically on his music publicity for the term up to the release of Chris Brown's F.A.M.E. album, which was released on Tuesday March 22 and is entering the Billboard and iTunes charts at number 1 this week."

I love and support Chris and it has been an honor to be a part of this album and I look forward to the possibility of working with him again in the future."

And then she added, "AAAAAAAH! Don't throw that chair! I'm going! I'm going! I promise! Let me grab my bag!"

But seriously, now that the role of Chris Brown's official shit picker-upper needs filling, I'm going to nominate the perfect replacement. MOM BREEZY, of course! This can be her first statement to the press on Chris' behalf:

Team Breezy movement? Err. I think I just made one of those, which is a signal that I'm about to do a "HUGE" thing. That's why my dog got out from under my chair and headed for cleaner air.

And here's some pictures of Chris with his girlfriend Karrueche Tran at Richmond International Airport today. Notice the giant knot on her head. Looks like Karrueche beat Chris to the punch, so to speak.

Q: What kind of charred heart devil person would turn down a terminally ill child?
A: Darth Vadar, Cruella de Vil, an Illuminati social worker and....INA GARTEN!

TMZ reports that the Make-A-Wish Foundation asked the Barefoot Contessa if she would grant the wish of a 6-year-old cancer patient by cooking him a meal. Ina waved her hand, blurted out "TOO BUSY!!!" and continued to pour vodka lemonade cocktails for her gay husbands at her Hamptons mansion. 6-year-old Enzo, who was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia three years ago, asked Make-A-Wish if they would help him meet Ina Garten. Enzo regularly watches her show on the Food Network with his mother.

When Ina's people told the foundation that she was too busy with her book tour to visit with Enzo, he said that he'd wait until her schedule cleared up. This was last year. M-A-W approached Ina again this year, but she once again said no before cackling into her cauldron full of the broken dreams of sick children. "You a cold ass bitch" - Freddy Krueger

Ina's rep, Satan, tells TMZ that she can't always grant wishes because of her schedule: "Despite her demanding schedule, [Ina] participates and helps as many organizations as she can throughout the year, helping children and adults like Enzo with life threatening and compromising illnesses. "

One of Enzo's relatives said that he doesn't understand why Ina won't meet him. M-A-W played nice with Ina by saying that she's a good friend of the foundation and sometimes wishes don't work out. Cinderella's fairy godmother just passed the fuck out. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo-bitch-bye.

Enzo's back-up wish, swimming with dolphins, will be granted. In other news, the Food Network has announced that on the next episode of the Baresoul Cuntessa, Ina will show us how to make roasted dolphin and a sauce made from childrens' tears.

One of my fantasies is to be in a documentary version of "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" called "Honey, I Shrunk the Gay" just so I can be miniaturized. Then I can crawl up White Oprah's black hole nostril, crawl over her whiskey snot balls, stumble through the cocaine tundra in her nose canal and make my way up to her brain, because you know it's a fantastical world of nonsense in there. I'd waltz with fried brain cells, take a dip in the Adderall powder pool and marvel at the WTF images projected in the Jack Daniels Theater. The HUH? shit this crazy comes up with.....

Take this mess for instance, White Oprah echoed her "Lindsay is a one name WONDER" thought to Popeater and goes on to say that her innocent child really is going to drop the Lohan from her name completely. And the American Crackhead Comedy Award goes to.....

"Lindsay is dropping the Lohan and just going by Lindsay. Plus, me and Ali will be officially changing our last names back to my maiden name, Sullivan."

A "family friend" dipped a few more gems into fuckery's gas stank by saying, "So many of the greatest people in showbiz are known by just their first name. Look at Oprah and Beyonce. Now you can add Lindsay to that list. And it's a way for them all to start over. No one in the family want anything to do with Lindsay's father anymore and that includes sharing a last name."

Maybe she can legally change her name to Prisoner No. 666-BITCHPLEASE or HAHA since that's what she'll be addressed as in a couple of months.

But really, what is wrong with them?! The Lohans (who will FOREVER be Lohans) live in a fart bubble that must filter out any mention of Lindsay Wagner or Lindsay Price. Because those Lindsays are way more famous. You can take the Lohan out of the Lohan, but you can't take the DELUSION out of the Lohan.

When Madge adopted LawdHaveMercy (or whatever her name is) from Malawi, she promised to put her celebrity, money and charitable heart into helping the young girls of Africa by building a fancy school for them ala Oprah. The Kabbahalalalalh Center signed on as a partner, Philippe van den Bossche (the boyfriend of Madge's trainer Tracy Anderson) was named as executive director and they even shooed away the locals who lived on the ground where the school was supposed to be built. Well, those locals are exhaling out a giant karmalized "UH HUH," because the school is not going to happen today, tomorrow or ever.

The New York Times reports that the executives of Raising Malawi fucked away $3.8 million of the charity's money. The foundation is now as broke as Baby Jesus' peen after wrassling with Madge's strong man crotch.

Philippe and the other executives used the money to pay for their salaries, cars, golf course memberships and housing for the school's director. Officials say that Philippe quit that bitch last October and the Kabbalah Center also jumped from that sinking ship. The board of the foundation has since been replaced by Madge and her manager. The higher-ups in Malawi are putting the blame on Madge, because they say she was unable to raise the $15 million needed to build the school. Madge put $11 million of her own money into the project.

Even though the school isn't going to happen, Madge is still trying to save her foundation by asking Global Philanthropy Group to help. The founder of GPG told the NYT that he advised Madge to cancel plans for the school completely and instead use their cash to further fund education programs that are already in place. Dude went on to slap the foundation's previous management team:

“Despite $3.8 million having been spent by the previous management team, the project has not broken ground, there was no title to the land and there was, over all, a startling lack of accountability on the part of the management team in Malawi and the management team in the United States. We have yet to determine exactly what happened to all of that $3.8 million. We have not accounted for all the funds that were used.”

Madge refused to go into detail about this mess, but said that Raising Malawi will go on even though she's "frustrated that our education work has not moved forward in a faster way."

A MESS! Why didn't Madge put Gary Glass from Desperately Seeking Susan in charge? He would've never let this happen. So no school means no Like a Virgin Kegel exercise class and no Material Girl economics class. Sad. And that Philippe demon better spend time with his ass cheeks while he still has them. Sometime in the near future, Madge is going to slither under his bedroom door, paralyze him with her crotch thrusts and then snap at her cronies to chew his nalgas off. Philippe will be reminded of his betrayal every time he sees Madge on TV stroking at his ass cheeks on her face. She'll throw him a special "I'm coming for your taint next" wink.

Elizabeth Taylor was laid to rest in her $11,000 coffin (sadly, it's not diamond encrusted) yesterday and she delivered one last act of glamour before everybody said their final goodbyes. A small group of Liz's family and friends arrived at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, Calif. and waited for 15 minutes until she was carried in. Elizabeth's rep told People that she wanted to be late to her own funeral. That's right. A true queen of glamour always keeps her subjects waiting.

I was hoping that an army of shirtless hunks wearing pharaoh costumes carried Liz in as albino children tossed rhinestone-covered white rose petals down the aisle, but she kept things simple. La Liz's casket was covered with gardenias, violets, and lily of the valley. Rabbi Jerry Cutler officiated the funeral which included a spot of total WTF randomness. Apparently, Elizabeth counted Colin Farrell as one of best friends forever and so he read a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins during the service.

No farewell waltz from Kathy Ireland? No smoldering silent soliloquy from Tom Ryan? But a poem reading from COLIN FARRELL of all hos?! How did that happen? Fuck hearing about the details of how an icy fairy turned Anderson's Cooper hair silver with the touch of a crystal wand! This is the back story I really want to hear (I don't mean that). I bet that at the end of the funeral, Colin pulled two greasy gold rings off of his ears and gently tossed them into her coffin before saying, "These have always brought me luck." Someone had to do it.

These green-minded dudes have found a way to recycle one of Milton Berle's condoms. - OurMissC

Runners-up:

Preview from MTV's new show, "Jacksonville Shore" - kims_wig

You see this, Oksana? Look how peaceful things are when everyone gets blown BEFORE jacuzzi. - perky

Just add salt, and John Travolta's soup is ready to eat - griffin73

via Break

Lakita Evans, the creator and owner of Fat Ho Burgers in Waco, Texas. 23-year-old Lakita worked her way through college just so she could erect a Fat Ho in Waco, but not everybody's embracing this particular Fat Ho with their arms and mouths. Who doesn't love a Fat Ho? Well, apparently a nearby Christian cafe as well as other members of the community don't! They think the name is misogynistic, tacky and trashy.

But Fat Ho's mama, Miss Lakita, says the name is just some tongue-in-cheek shit and she's not calling anyone a ho! Miss Lakita explains the Fat Ho in the town like this: "It’s not calling people a ho. It’s just like they say, 'Oooh that ho is big,' or, 'That ho is tight!'. Look what’s going on in Japan. It’s like clear this world is not gonna get any better. Why cry and be depressed. The economy is bad. Somebody gotta keep a sense of humor around here."

And there's my explanation for Hot Slut. The world is ending, so why not laugh about the Fat Ho and the Hot Slut as the planet collapses on top of us.

Fat Ho gets extra credit points for having a "Tiny Ho" children's meal on their menu and for not painting over the mural left there by its previous tenant: a Mexican restaurant.

Here's the Ballad of the Fat Ho from MyFoxDNW. Bob's Big Boy just found his new side piece.

Now I know where I'm having my wedding, divorce and funeral receptions! Here's hoping the Fat Ho gets fatter and ho-ier, so that Lakita can expand her brand by opening up the Skinny Skeeza Juice Bar and the Bukkake Skank Ice Cream Parlor.

Aretha Franklin (69)
Aly Michalka (22)
Jason Castro (24)
Katharine McPhee (27)
Danica Patrick (29)
Sean Faris (29)
Lee Pace (32)
Juvenile (36)
Lark Voorhies (37)
Cathy Dennis (42)
Sarah Jessica Parker (46)
Lisa Gay Hamilton (47)
Marcia Cross (49)
Brenda Strong (51)
Daniel Boulud (56)
Bonnie Bedlia (63)
Elton John (64)
Paul Michael Glaser (68)
Anita Bryant (71)
Gloria Steinem (77)
Gene Shalit (85)
Eileen Ford (89)

TMZ dug through the vaults of 1992 and pulled out a clip (click here to see it) of Whoopi Goldberg proclaiming her love for the good shit while doing voice-over stuff for The Pagemaster. Whoopi told the crew before Denzel Washington came out to present Best Supporting Actress at the Oscars in 1991, she was smoking a good shit joint to help numb her nerves. When her name slipped out of Denzel's lips, the nervousness nearly blew the green cloud of her head and Whoopi didn't know whether to chew on her dreads for a quick snack or lick the statue hoping that the metal would even her out. Whoopi GreenGoldberg put it like this:

"Smoking cigarettes and pot every now and then are my habits. And I thought, 'I've got to relax.' So I smoked this wonderful joint that was the last of my home grown.

When he said my name and I popped up, I thought, 'Oh fuck... okay, up the stairs... around to the podium... there's millions of people, pick up the statue, get the statue.

I know you're not supposed to admit that you smoke pot, but I don't drink alcohol. Just because I do it doesn't mean you should."

Whoopi's mom knew what was up and could tell she was high by her "glistening eyes."

You know how I can tell Whoopi definitely smoked a joint? Because if you skip to the 1:20 mark, you'll see Angelica Houston throw her the same stank look my friends always throw me. That's the "this bitch puffed more than passed" look. Angelica's probably the one who brought the joint and Whoopi sucked it all up. While Whoopi is jumping through Funyun rings, Angelica is the epitome of sober and she is not amused.

Although this supposedly had nothing to do with their recent breakup, this A list movie actress told many of her friends that when she was dating her A list movie actor boyfriend that he had the smallest peen she had ever seen on a guy. Like so small that when he did not trim that she had trouble seeing the stump in the bushes if you know what I mean. (CDAN)

That's what an extra thick penis sleeve is for! That's also what an extra pair of strong legs are for. Hold on so it won't slip out. Slipping out is the worst. It's the eye roll of sexual moves. Now, on to the guesses.

Are we living in a world where Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are considered A-list movie stars? If so, I'll go with them. It could also be Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper, but well, you know. Actually, that might make sense. But if Squinty puts toothpicks under her lids to make her eyes open wider she'd probably see that it's more like a t-ball stand in the bushes.

1980s blind item! This diminutive actor was on a huge network hit. His favorite game was finding an extra each week that he could spend the entire week with having sex and then leave them at the end. He did not do it really out of malice, he was just a lonely guy. Anyway, one week, his A list at the time co-star, also had his eyes on an extra and they made a deal. The deal was they would get the producers to bring her back for an extra week so they could each have her for a week. Well, it turns out they both liked her so much, this extra managed to stay on the show for an entire season and even ended up getting a speaking role. (CDAN)

Danny DeVito & Judd Hirsch from Taxi?

After years of being the face for a hit label, this musician (once A list, now slipping to C list) was given an ultimatum by her label. Either come up with a scandal that will bring her more record sales or they would come up with one for her and release nude pics of her when she was younger. (BuzzFoto)

Dionne "I got your number, hussy" Warwick? Or Xtina?

This B- list movie actress who would probably be A if she had any acting talent at all has started looking for a new boyfriend. The thing is since she prefers women it is a little tougher. But, to make things interesting she has offered to throw in her girlfriend too if the guy is willing to pony up and be our actresses boyfriend. (CDAN)

Pony = Dreamer = Dakota Fanning? Why did I put that thought in my head. To me, Dakota Fanning is still the little girl who runs away to Sean Penn's house in I Am Sam.