In an Internet commercial for Agua Inteligente, Jennifer Aniston acts out one of her recurring dreams which features an endless amount of PUPPIES!, fake babies and soft-core hair porn. It really is like an Aniston dream! Puppies that keep your crotch warm and babies that you can turn off with the touch of an ESC button? It's like heaven on Aniston's earth. Although, I'm not sure if the babies in her dreams freak like 6th grades at a spring dance. That's a story for Maddox to leak to the tabloids.
SmartWater's whoring for hits video also features cameos by Keenan Cahill, Brad Wollack and Double Rainbow Dude. I'm guessing that SmartWater couldn't afford Antoine Dodson's minimum appearance fee. I'm also guessing that the Backin' Up Backin' Up Lady refused to participate, because she only drinks water if it's cut with coffee and powdered cream.
via Lainey Gossip
Fernando Flores, Our Lady of Cheetos' former bodyguard who hit her with a sexual harassment lawsuit after he claims she tried to get down his chonies and flashed his labia rinds at him, is struttin' his foolery on the ho stroll yet again. This time Fernando is licking his lips, shaking his ass and promising to flat line your retinas by releasing a bunch of nekkid pictures that Brit Brit allegedly sent him. Only your retinas are probably used to it by now since they've already been brought back to life by defibrillator paddles after they died the first time they got a glimpse of her coochieronies.
But Fernando still thinks that pictures will cause Brit Brit's fans to feel SHOCK and DISGUST. After sliding a check between their cleavage, a "friend" of Fernando's told The Sun, "They are really explicit images that will shock and disgust the majority of her fans. Fernando says he can prove the photos were taken on Britney's phone and sent to his mobile. He says she sent them last April when she was coming on to him on a daily basis. He left the following month. Some of the pictures show Britney with the camera between her legs. Others show her in provocative positions wearing lingerie. There are a few where she is naked, exposing herself in a way that she clearly hoped would make him aroused."
That dumb fuck Fernando really needs to look up the meaning of the words "SHOCK" and "DISGUST." The only way Brit Brit could ever shock us is if she didn't have Chester the Cheetah's paw print tattooed on her labia. And the permanent state of the swamp weave on her head has totally desensitized us from feeling disgust about anything the ho does. Besides, when you Google "Britney Spears pussy" you get this:
But you also get a dozen eye fulls of her chicken fried Doublelicious crotch sandwich. We've already ventured into that den. So unless Fernando gets pictures of Brit Brit doing something truly SHOCKING (like drinking from a cup that doesn't say Starbucks on it, for instance), he needs to put his mouth hole over a bowl of STFU grits (prepared by Daddy Spears, of course).
Almost everybody who reported on Guy Ritchie's piece being knocked up referred to him as "Madonna's ex." That's like his official title now. Guy's business card must say "MADONNA'S EX" in big bold letters with "...and movie director" printed underneath that in tiny sans balls font. That shit must hurt more than the time the fangs on Madge's vadge bit his tongue during oral. But anyway...
The Daily Mail reports that Guy's 29-year-old model girlfriend of about a year, Jacqui Ainsley, will join every other damn celebrity on this planet by pushing out a BABY!!!!! sometime this year. I swear, by the end of this year we'll have enough umbilical cords to make an escape rope to Venus. Tie that shit together, slip knot the end, lasso it over a crater on Venus and we'll all zip line to a planet that's free of wet burps and baby diarrhea bubbles.
Guy and Jacqui have yet to confirm any of this, but one of her friends is doing it for her. Because that's what friends are for! One had this to say: "Jacqui was crying with joy when she found out. They went on holiday because Guy is desperate for her to take it easy. He won't let her do anything more strenuous than argue over baby names."
Congrats to Guy! Congrats to Jacqui! And congrats to Madge's boy toy who will soon have a new playdate partner!
Here's a few pictures of Guy and Jacqui talking about how they're going to name their baby "FUCKYOUMADGE" a couple of weeks ago.
When I was in the third grade, my dentist kindly took my mother aside and told her that if I didn't stop sucking my thumb like its pores secreted Pixy Stix sugar, my mouth would look like a weathered piece of wood with rusty crooked nails stuck in it. Like a horse who just sucked off a chainsaw. Just all kinds of fucked up. And I had it bad too. I used to sneak in a quick thumb suck under my desk when nobody was looking and ask to go to the bathroom so I could suck some more (insert your "some things STILL never change" joke here). But I agreed to work on my thumb sucking addiction when my mother told me that it would affect my future social life and I'd have to use a map to brush my teeth. They give me a golf glove to wear and I was cured a week later! So because of this, I feel like I can't fully judge Suri Cruise for still using a pacifier at the age of 4.
Who cares if she's dressed like Charlotte from Sex and the City and has a binky in her mouth?! Who cares if she probably replaces that pacifier with a bottle when she gets home?! Who cares if she's going to have summer teeth (summer pointing to the side, summer pointing down...)?! Who cares if she's going to be that girl in high school with 8 inch stilettos on her feet and a diamond encrusted Cartier pacifier in her mouth?!
Stepford Katie doesn't give a Tommy Girl jizz dingle so why should we? Although, she probably doesn't notice since the words "WHY ME!?" that constantly flash in her eyes block most of her view.
That being said, Suri needs to design her outfits around that pacifier. Suri should get some wide leg JNCO jeans, a Cookie Monster t-shirt, candy bead necklaces and some Muppet fur platform boots. RAVER SURI!
Here's more of Raver Suri with her two assistants (including Katie) in Vancouver yesterday afternoon.
No matter how hard he tries, James Franco just can't blend in at Yale. - swan
John Travolta decided he needed to hire smarter escorts when he told Juan he wanted him to shove his head down his drawers. - starvis
Has anyone seen the "magic" trick where Criss Angel puts a sheet over a car and then just a quick jump cut later he pulls off the sheet and it's a different car? How does he have a career? Seriously?
Anywho, the horseshit going on in this picture is better than anything Angel ever did. - citizenstrange
I should have known better when the salesman wanted to sell me a "Y Thigh" instead of "WiFi". - Manimal5
Zev and Justin, the best friends racing together for a second time on Amazing Race: Unfinished Business
The last time Zev and Justin tried to win a million dollars and more importantly Phil's congratulatory affections, they were forced to drop out after they lost their passports (Fun fact: Guinness confirms that was also the moment when the most people simultaneously shouted out the phrase: "WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKS!"). Zev and Justin are back, keeping their passports in their ass cracks and getting shit done! They are also finding time to joke about Zev's autism and create tension of the sexual variety (example: "I'm not wearing underwear" - Zev "That's hot!" - Justin). Unless the ginger cowboy goes nekkid ass nekkid (except for his hat of course) for the rest of the race, Zev and Justin will continue to be my favorite. GO TEAM RAIN MAN (as so many hos call them)!!
Iris Chacón (61)
Laura Prepon (31)
Jenna Fischr (37)
Peter Sarsgaard (40)
Matthew Vaughn (40)
Rachel Weisz (41)
Cameron Daddo (46)
Bret Easton Ellis (47)
Wanda Sykes (47)
Taylor Dane (49)
Donna Murphy (52)
Bryan Cranston (55)
John Heard (66)
Michael Eisner (69)
Willard Scott (77)
The prosecutors in the robbery case against Lindsay Lohan are putting Neosporin on the paper cuts on their assholes, because they were just fucked with a $35,000 deposit slip. Radar reports Kamofie & Co., the jewelry store that claims LiLo snatched a necklace from them, allegedly sold the surveillance footage of her for $35,000 (riveting still Entertainment Tonight above). Radar's sources say that Kamofie & Co.'s owner whored it out to a media broker who put it on the stroll and sold it in the US as well as an overseas media outlet. That noise you just heard was every weekend worker at ET knocking their phones off the hook, because they know that White Oprah and her call center of justice (aka Cody, Nana Lohan, Ali and one of her T.G.I. Friday drinking partners) will be hitting them up for profits.
TMZ reports that LiLo has turned down the prosecutors plea bargain deal, because it includes around 3 months of jail time and she's not about to spend 90 days injecting roach guts and shaving gel into her lips to keep them plump. LiLo has been telling her lawyer that she wants to go to trial instead of settling for jail time, because she believes the lack of evidence will set her ass free. LiLo still insists the owner loaned it her. And going to trial might be a good move now that the jooree store owner has sold the tape for a quick check.
TMZ says that the defense could shit all over the credibility of the jewelry store owner by insinuating that they are using this whole mess to make a dollar.
LiLo is really a freckled magnet for leaches. Even the stores she steals from use her to put more coins into their checking accounts. I mean, selling a surveillance tape like it's a sex tape?! White Oprah is pulling out her book of tips (aka a stack of cocktail napkins from various bars held by a nipple clamp) and taking notes about this impressive hungry move.
If this gets LiLo off, she should be thankful that the world is filled with whores who are almost as greedy as her parents.
On last night's SNL, Miley Cyrus dragged it up to play Justin Bieber on The Miley Cyrus Show. Yes, this is the reason why the malls are empty, the movie theaters are bare and not one tween screech be heard on the streets. Millions of tweens are in the corner of their closets shaking and crying because their hormones are in a state of paralyzed confusion right now. They don't know whether they want to hump a pillow, come out to their parents or send a death Tweet to a fake Miley Cyrus Twitter account. Clip below:
But really, even though Miley's got Justin's Canadian gangster moves down, bitch looks nothing like him! They should've put a baby mask over her face instead of letting her go out with a Kardashian load of face paint. The Lesbeaver isn't Zac Efron! Ho looks like a butch Chipette or like a beaver dressed up as Mrs. Brady. I just hope Justin Bieber doesn't drop Pedolenza Gomez to date Miley Cyrus as Justin Bieber. That would be some "yodel for the four horsemen" shit.
And if you need more of Miley on SNL, all the clips are here. Maybe it's because hangovers make me vulnerable, but I thought the show wasn't totally terrible! Miley is as irritating as an ingrown pubic hair, but the bitch sort of pulled it off.
You would think that Sheen's Korner would be a place of endless LOL sermons and crackhead theatrics, but it turns out it's about as entertaining as a dude in a chicken suit twirling an "OPEN HOUSE" sign for a new tract housing development (no offense to dudes in chicken suits twirling an "OPEN HOUSE" sign for a new tract housing development). Charlie Sheen ended his week-long media tour of fuckery last night on a sad boring note when he hosted "Sheen's Korner" on Ustream. Charlie recited some dumb poem, told his kids he missed them, flashed his "winning" tattoo and announced his new Tiger Blood drink, but it all looked like a cumless cum shot to me.
The word "winning" is about to file a restraining order against Charlie and tigers are lining up to to get dog blood transfusions. Winning has officially become losing. The only drinking game for this mess is that every time Charlie or one of his minions says the word "winning" your soul will take a shot of its own vomit. It also doesn't help that Charlie looks like the Crypt Keeper version of Matt Drudge. Charlie needs to turn off the red siren and stop.
And instead of wasting minutes of your time on Charlie's mess, you might want to watch Bill Hader's impersonation of Charlie Sheen from last night's SNL.