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Detective La Toya Jackson can call off the search for a sidekick, because the Watson to her Sherlock has been found. Lil' Kim has proven that her eyes can see through the fog and she has what it takes to prowl through the cobblestone streets in search of the truth! On the anniversary of Biggie's murder, Kim called in to Power 95.3 in Orlando to give one of her theories on who killed B.I.G. and Tupac. SPOILER ALERT: Kim thinks Uncle Sam pulled the trigger. But here's Kim in her own words:

“I always felt like Biggie and Tupac’s deaths was bigger than how they tried to make it believed to be. Them two was very powerful guys. They both could have ran for mayor just like Arnold Schwarzenegger and probably won, and you know I think the government is looking at it like, ‘We can not have these two hood dudes with this much power running for mayor or something like that and winning’. Because they feel like they would have lost control I think.

I can’t say whether this person is involved or that person is involved and you know, no ones knows, but I do know that it’s deeper than people would like it to believe to be.”

You can HAHAHAHA at Kim all you want, but she does have a point. The names Co-Mayor Shakur and Co-Mayor Biggie do make me want to re-register in California and vote a bitch in. Free clinics would have buffets with a blunt section. We'd all vote for them.

So Kim is definitely onto something. As soon as she solves the case of her missing original face, she should team up with Det. La Toya and get to the bottom of this!

via Radar

Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes aren't content with sharing every single butt nugget that falls out of their lives on Twitter. Their day-to-day lives just can't be explained in 140 characters or less. So the gold digging lothario of Burbank is going to mount the skeleton horse of Fantastica and ride, ride, ride across your television screen. At least that's what UsWeekly is hearing anyway. They say that LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have just signed a deal for a Newlyweds-type reality show that will follow them as they prepare for their pre-divorce ceremony (aka wedding).

LeAnn has already taken the rumor, grounded it up into dozens of pieces, thrown it in her feed bag and nibbled it up. But UsWeekly's source swears that the deal is already done.

Eddie's ex-wife Brandi put on her smart ass hat before saying that the reality show isn't a bad idea, because he really needs a job.

I'm with Brandi. These two definitely need a platform for their ridiculousness, but I don't think it should be a Newlyweds type show. If I wanted to watch a dog lick on a bone for an hour, I'd just watch the web cam at my dog's boarding place. No, LeAnn and Eddie need something that will show off their talents. I'm thinking: HOMEWRECKING with Eddie & LeAnn, coming soon to the DIY Network!

What the fuck happened to Rainbow Brite and Lala Orange?! - Hollywood Tuna

Salma Hayek is just a regular old Parisian housewife - Lainey Gossip

Charlie Sheen's #1 fan is not going to jail - The Superficial

Any self-respecting slutty white cholita would never wear that bracelet so Miley Cyrus needs to try again (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Target is dead to Lady Gaga - Towleroad

Taking all those mug shots did Lindsay Lohan some good in the face posing department - The Berry

Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin?! I hope Marky Mark will play Trigg Palin so it can be a Boogie Nights reunion - Just Jared

Gwen Stefani in Elle UK - Popsugar

It looks like Megan Fox's titty sacks can't stand each other - Popoholic

Why "boob" is the perfect word - TDW

Joon is going to be a mom - Celebitchy

Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark needs Tangina to clean their house - Gawker

For sickness and in health, til death (by your own hand because you can't take Rachel's laugh anymore) do you part - ICYDK

The Glee gay sex talk really just made me want to have a one night stand, to be honest - ICYDK

Some of these little monsters (I can't with that name...still) look better than Gaga - Cityrag

Jennifer Aniston could diaper a baby for months with all the "I'm Having a Baby!" covers she's had over the years - Hollywood Rag

That overpriced thin piece of shit necklace Lindsay Lohan stole could be yours (LiLo's neck sweat included) - I'm Not Obsessed

Good luck with that - Popbytes

Miley Cyrus and her mama je'e Tish Cyrus were leaving the California Chicken Cafe yesterday when a paparazzo nearly smacked the former in the head with his camera. If this pap did this to Billy Ray's mullet, Miley probably would've slow clapped and threw some dollar bills at the ho. But since he did it to her mom, she puffed her veneers and gave that dude a face full of her rage. Miley threatened to sing live into his ear hole or chew his lens off if he did it again. The beavers of Tennessee have that dude's name on their tails and they're watching. Fuck with Tish and feel their wrath.

via HuffPo

A mishap is when you accidentally send your Churro peen pictures to World Star Hip Hop or the stylist chosen for your photo shoot has a strange fetish for all things Family Matters related. Those are mishaps. "Mishap" can not be used to describe the beating of Rihanna. But that's exactly the word Chris Brown used in his interview with Page Six Magazine. Chris made it sound like the whole thing is just one giant shrug to him. Casper should've put his hand over Chris Brown's mouth when he had the chance. Here's what Chris said:

“People are always gonna talk. But I’m in a positive place. I consider myself a grown-ass man. And at the end of the day, if I walk around apologizing to everybody, I’m gonna look like a damn fool.

A handful of people stuck by me. But when [most] people see certain things happen to somebody, they usually turn away. They don’t want to get involved with it because they don’t want their name attached to anything negative. Unknowingly, they kind of show their true colors when they do that. But you can’t blame people for how they want to be portrayed or if they don’t want to be associated with somebody who had a particular mishap.

People kind of get clouded, and then when they get up to the top, they kind of lose a bit of themselves and they’re not as humble. So knowing how it can be taken away and given back and taken away again, it kind of just taught me to be focused.”

Since this bitch looks like a third-rate Urkel impersonator, he should've stayed in character and simply said:

It's times like this that I really wish there was a camera on the officer taking the mug shot, because you know they nearly hyperventilated from trying to swallow the laughs pouring out of their mouth. How can you not laugh at this fool who looks like a hairy Pac-Man crashed into the side of his head. 21-year-old David Davis of New Haven, CT is a fool for so many reasons. Motherfucker is a fool, because who messes with a glorious afro? Why would you try to cut something that can tickle your fuck partner's nipples while you lick on their wet parts? WHY?

David is also a fool, because he stabbed a dude with scissors before his haircut ended. If you suddenly feel the need to stab someone while you're sitting in the cuttin' chair, you should at least wait until the barber (or whoever) is finished and you've looked into a hand mirror to make sure the back looks good. You tell your victim to wait a minute while you brush the itchy hairs off your neck. But this stupid piece of shit committed a crime while looking like a busted ass Victor/Victoria.

AND THEN David ran from the scene. A police dog later found David hiding in a nearby apartment. How did the dog find him, you ask? Well, the officer told the dog to look for the asshole with the discount fro on his head. It wasn't hard.

Thankfully, the victim is going to be fine.

But seriously, we can all laugh at the repossessed fro on that bitch's head, but it won't be long before Kanye West starts wearing this look. Or Lady Gaga. You decide.

Source: Stamford Advocate via Splash

In the new issue of Out Magazine, Noah Michelson asks Brit Brit Spears who thinks she was in a past life and she answered with: Audrey Hepburn. Never mind that Audrey got her angel wings in 1993 and Brit was born from a Frito-Lay mixing machine in 1981, she's absolutely right. Audrey and Brit are both the epitome of graceful elegance. Both inspire couturiers to design full fashion collections based on their timeless beauty. Both can finish a bowl of mashed corn fitters with no hands. And both are known for making jokes about how they think their butt just wet autographed their panties with a fart (they didn't nickname Audrey "My Fart Lady" for nothing). Audrey Hepburn = Britney Spears. Exactly the same!

Here's a few pieces from the interview (get the whole thing here):

When you were starting out, whose career did you want to mold yours after?
Madonna. No question. She is an amazing entertainer. Besides Madonna, I also admire Sarah Jessica Parker’s career and her shoe collection.

Are there any of your songs that you wish you hadn’t recorded/you don’t really love?
No. All of my songs are f–ing amazing.

How is Femme Fatale different from your other albums?
I think Femme Fatale is my most upbeat and mature album yet.

Assuming reincarnation exists, in a previous life I think I was...
Audrey Hepburn, because she was a trend setter.

Assuming reincarnation exists, in my next life I’d life to be...
A bird, so I can fly.

My idea of hell is...
Being on a diet.

My idea of heaven is...
A trip with my kids.

What is the best advice you’ve gotten and who was it from?
My mom said when you have a bad day, eat ice cream. That’s the best advice.

What is the worst advice a record executive ever told you?
Someone once told me that the "…Baby One More Time" video should be me as a superhero fighting a giant robot monster.

What women (living or dead) could make you think twice about your sexuality?
I only have eyes for men.

Who is your favorite Golden Girl?
Betty White, because she’s so sweet and innocent.

How do you feel about plastic surgery?
When it’s time to pull and tuck, I’m sure I will consider it.

I first learned about sex...
When I was 12 years old. From my mom. I was confused and disgusted.

Kissing Madonna was...
Cool.

You’ve been married twice -- once for only 55 hours. How do you feel about gay marriage?
I think everyone should be treated equally.

Lady Gaga is...
Unique.

Christina Aguilera is...
Truly talented.

The Brit Brit of a couple of years ago would've answered every question by saying "Huh?! VENTI!", so she's come along way. Actually, I think she did answer every question like that, but Noah is fluent in Cheetonese so he figured it out.

And here's a few pictures of BS that were built by Photoshop.

Reading the ingredients on a bottle of Wite-Out is more exciting than this piece of non-news, but let's do this anyway. Hollywood Life says Miley Cyrus and Jared Followill of Kings of Leon have been texting each other ever since they met at the EMAs last November. Miley is trying to keep Jared interested by not becoming a full blown barebacking sext slut just yet. And Jared keeps texting Miley back, because he's hoping to fulfill his fantasy of bumping on a creature who talks dirty to him in an itchy scratch voice. Yes, Jared is the one who gets the Freddy Krueger soundboard to say: "Eat this pussy, bitch."

A friend of Jared's tells HL, “Miley wants to keep Jared interested. She often sends him coy text messages. So far, he is a big fan of what she has been sending. He’s such a fan, in fact, he’s been bragging to his friends about her texts! “Jared loves showing off his texts from Miley. He thinks she’s very pretty and is excited she’s still flirting with him.”

We can all smell the duck saliva from here, so they should just fast-forward to the inevitable already. Miley will eventually send him a picture of her flashing undertit while making a duckface. Jared will then leak it to The National Enquirer for a little extra pomade money, and they'll publish it with the text: "MILEY REALLY CAN'T BE TAMED." On Walter Mercado's birthday, we're all future tellers.

And now for my "GET OFF MY LAWN" moment. All these stories about hos spending hours texting each other got me thinking about the old days. I remember when we didn't have the luxury of texting at our leisure for hours on end. We had to work for our conversations. Kids today just don't know how hard we had it. I nearly burned my ear off from talking for hours about nothing to my friend while my sister screamed at me for the phone and my mom used the operator to interrupt my call. Oh shit, remember the classic emergency operator interruption? You knew your ass was in trouble when your mom pulled that shit.

I wish I remember the last emergency interruption my mom made so that I could put it in my memory box. I'd put it right next to the memory of me calling my mom collect from a payphone and telling the operator that my name was "Michael Sears." That way my mom knew to pick me up in front of the Sears at the mall.

The spoiled brats of today need to know that if it wasn't for us wasting the operator's time with our stupid tricks, cell phones and call waiting would never exist!

....as do the vomitous bubbles that form on your eyeballs when you see these two together. Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla celebrated her 29th birthday yesterday by partaking in a good old-fashioned photo-op on the roof of a parking garage in Santa Monica, CA. Kat told the paps that she wanted a picture to remember her special day. Kat, who wore Shaggy's favorite vacation outfit, also wanted to give the tabloids a precious cover picture to tear in two with Photoshop when Vanilla Gorilla's swastidick gets caught in another trick's poon. Kat is considerate like that.

And VG is always heiling Hitler with his entire body. Like he's as stiff as a rigamortized dick. I bet that VG killed the "stiff as a board" part during the "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board" game.

If you've been an extra on a basic cable reality show and may or may not have an addiction to huffing anise seeds in the afternoon, Dr. Drew will gladly stamp "CELEBRITY DRUGGIE" on your forehead and check you into Celebrity Rehab! So it really takes a lot for Dr. Drew to put a bitch out on the curb for not having an addiction that needs treating. TMZ reports that The Real Housewives of DC's Michaele Salahi crashed Celebrity Rehab and was thrown out after the staff determined that she didn't need to be there. I guess continuously humping on fame, bottles of peroxide and UV bulbs doesn't count as a serious addiction. Okay. VH1 pushed out this statement to E! News:

"The treatment program that Celebrity Rehab documents is intended for individuals with serious substance abuse and addiction issues," VH1 said in a statement to E! News. "Prior to the taping of the current season, producers were advised that Michaele Salahi met the criteria to be treated in this setting. However, professional assessments spanning from that time to the present, found that she did not meet such criteria. As a result, she is no longer participating in the program."

Michaele's slimy shit ball of a husband, Tareq Salahi, says his wife never told producers she had an addiction and only went on Celebrity Rehab so that Dr. Drew could treat the Multiple Sclerosis disease she claims she suffers from (cut to Annette Funicello's "let me see your medical file" side-eye of skepticism).

Tareq's bull anus mouth blurted this out to Radar: "She was really leaning on Dr. Drew who is a respected doctor to get her through some of the issues after the White House, when she went to Congress, when she went into relapse with her Multiple Sclerosis. She takes this very seriously. My wife takes her health situation very seriously, she has a real diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. You know, we can show you a bunch of emails about what they wanted her to pretend to be, therefore, but that's going to come out later on with one of the major networks."

Yes, this bleached pony's ass takes her Multiple Sclerosis so seriously that she's seeking treatment for it from a doctor who has never treated Multiple Sclerosis before. It's like asking your court-appointed therapist to take a look at the warts on your urethra. These leach skanks need to come up with better excuses for their fame whoring ways. But ultimately, I blame Dr. Drew for this because he's been throwing out the celebrity from "celebrity" since 2008.