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Kunty Karl showed his new line of wispy cobweb gowns for Chanel in a cave under a volcano in Mordor today, and the best part of the show was when he slithered off of his throne of bones and braved the flashes from cameras to pose with admirers like Lily Allen, Florence Welch, Clemence Poesy, and Emma Roberts. They crawled through the tundra for miles to get a picture with the exquisite demon whose mop of bone dust threads holds the broken dreams of 12-year-old models in its tips. It's sort of like that time Perseus traveled from afar to slay Medusa. But instead of chopping Kunty Karl's head off (which is totally impossible for a mortal to do, by the way), they just want to pose with him like he's the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus or the old timey hos at Knott's Berry Farm.

Seriously, some say that designing $1,200 t-shirts out of caterpillar skins is Kunty Karl's specialty, but I say it's posing with random people. Ghoulfriend is good at that shit! Karl really needs his own mall tour. I'd wait in line with the other screaming brats and babies to get a picture on Kunty Karl's lap. I wouldn't even mind if Karl stuck his nose in my ear to see if my brain is the type of consistency he likes to nibble on.

Mike Starr, the original bassist for Alice in Chains, is performing with Layne Staley and the other members of Angels in Chains up in heaven. Mike was found dead in a home in Salt Lake City, Utah this afternoon. Mike's cause of death is not known. He was only 44.

Mike's addiction to the bad shit was documented in the third season of Celebrity Rehab and he declared himself 6 months sober when season four aired. But Mike's sobriety didn't last. He was busted with Xanax and Opana pills by Salt Lake City police last month.

Rest in peace, Mike.

And I'm hoping those lace white shorts made the trip to heaven with him.

via E! Online

Just in case you're keeping track, the Original Fergie is still doing shit that makes the Queen want to slip off her sensible heel and smack the Duchess of Fuck Ups in the mouth with it. The Queen is saving the other shoe for Prince Andrew's mouth, because he's part of this latest mess too.

Fergie let out a giant public apology via The Daily Telegraph today for accepting $24,000 from convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein (The Frankenstein's creature with a polyester platinum wig on his head in the picture above. I won't believe that patch of silver came from the same field as Anderson Cooper's!). Epstein spent 13 months in the chokey for getting with an underage hooker.

Just like her dignity levels, Fergie's checking account is always empty so she used the money to pay off some debts. Even though the money smelled like old jizz and baby powder, Fergie still had no idea it came from Epstein. Fergie got the money from Prince Andrew who vacationed with Jeffrey Epstein. Prince Andrew has yet to say shit about this. But here's some of Fergie's apology:

"I personally, on behalf of myself, deeply regret that Jeffrey Epstein became involved in any way with me. I abhor paedophilia and any sexual abuse of children and know that this was a gigantic error of judgment on my behalf.

I am just so contrite I cannot say. Whenever I can I will repay the money and will have nothing ever to do with Jeffrey Epstein ever again."

Fergie is officially THAT RELATIVE who borrows money from you and then uses the "I'll pay you back when I can" line even though everyone involved knows that's never going to happen. "When I can" = Never, bitch, so tell your checking account not to miss it.

That bitch will show up to your family reunion in a brand new jacket from Wilsons Leather and $500 rims on their busted ass Oldsmobile. When they feel your glare on their skin, they say some bullshit like, "Oh, it was a gift. Oh, I won it at the office party."

But Fergie shouldn't pay that money back. You know what Epstein's going to spend it on, so she should just wear her new Wilsons jacket around him like she just don't give a fuck.

So, now that the lead has been fired, there’s no more show, right? Wrong! It’s much too valuable a brand to simply abandon. So a decision has already been made that the show will go on.

And, yes, they will be recasting the lead (although they may introduce him as a new character)!

The showrunners are trying to make this all happen very quickly (within the next week) so that they can capitalize on the publicity, and get people excited about the new actor. They also want to send a very clear message to any other prima donna actors out there: you are all replaceable.

In case you’re wondering, the four top candidates for this part are well-known male actors who are all over the age of 30, who are all believable as rogues, and – most importantly – who have a history of being consummate professionals. Walking into the lead role of a top-rated show can be daunting, but, frankly, any of these four guys could easily pull it off. (Blind Gossip)

My dream list of possible replacements: ALF, Jim J. Bullock, Waldo Faldo from Family Matters and Quween on the Scene.

My list of real guesses: John Stamos, Jerry O'Connell, Jason Bateman and Brendan Fraser?

We really thought that this successful funny man was done with the whole bearding mishegas. After all, he did get a divorce and has been pretty much living as an openly gay man. So why in the world would he get married again? Well, consider this mystery solved. He is still gay, but he believes he was more successful when people perceived him as a heterosexual man. His next live-action film is scheduled for release in 2012, so we’ll see then if the whole married man act pays off at the box office. (Blind Gossip)

Let's just all scream it out loud for the millionth time: MIKE MYERS.

This aging actress who was B list in television in her time, has been going into a medical clinic to be treated for several STD’s. She tells friends she’s volunteering at a local Women’s shelter but it’s only to explain her weekly appointments. (BuzzFoto)

What the hell kind of STD does she have where she needs to go in for several treatments? Just burn that wart off, smear some Zovirax lube on it and get your pussy back out there! And I'll file the name "Meredith Baxter" as my official guess! Yes, I'm joking.

GIF via Buzzfeed

Blake Lively's Chanel ad is about as exciting as Blake Lively herself - Lainey Gossip

Charlie Sheen wants us to think that he's pulling a Joaquin Phoenix over our eyes - The Superficial

Amanda Bynes is the MySpace slut of Twitter (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Katy Perry covers Lady Gaga - Towleroad

Aubrey O'Day dressed like an extra from a Star Trek porn parody - Hollywood Tuna

Megan Fox can't eat food because her prolific mouth is too busy expelling world-changing quotes - Celebitchy

LeAnn Rimes or Skeletor in a wig? - Just Jared

What would Posh do if airports didn't exist since it seems like her day consists of walking through them? - Popsugar

The dumbest ho in Hollywood (see: the time Amanda Seyfried dumped ASkars) at her premiere - Popoholic

25 pictures of um...Daniel Tosh...because sure why not - The Berry

This is definitely what your memaw does on her off hours - TDW

Lily Allen talks miscarriage, bulimia and the state of Madge's sanity - ICYDK

If St. Angie Jolie ate a cheeseburger - Hollywood Rag

Colin Farrell pumping it - I'm Not Obsessed

FINALLY! Some real talent around here - Cityrag

Bitch in the glasses needs to get her prescription checked, because I'm pretty sure she thinks she's freaking on Sebastian Bach - Moe Jackson

Did you really for a second think that Papa Joe was going to let this divorce drama wrap up without stroking every droplet of attention out of it? So I bet Papa Joe totally whispered in Ashlee Simpson's ear, "I'm not wearing any chonies." No, Papa Joe advised Ashlee to file for primary custody of Manhattan Chuchundra. That way the court dwellers at TMZ would get a hold of the documents and BAM! There's Ashlee's name right under a red banner that says EXCLUSIVE. When Ashlee lit up over this idea, Papa Joe took the opportunity to ask if he could roll around naked in her dirty laundry later. Ashlee turned him down. Better luck next time, Joe.

TMZ reports that Pete Wentz and Ashlee are about to go to court to fight for custody of their son. Ashlee wants primary, and Pete wants joint. Pete filed papers today asking the judge for joint physical and legal custody. Ashlee has yet to respond to Pete's response.

No reason was given as to why they are fighting over this shit, but maybe it has something to do with the rumor going around that Pete doesn't like that Ashlee is letting skater boys do Everclear shots off her chin all night.

Pete's case for joint custody was strong until these pictures of him with Bronx Mowgli came out yesterday. This is Ashlee's entire defense right here. Because carrying your son around while looking like a flood-fearing Chia Pet hipster counts as child humiliation.

The center of PETA's "I'd Rather Go Naked" campaign is usually some overly Photoshopped semi-famous chick hiding her R-rated parts under her own paw or weave. Been there a million times. So thankfully, PETA switched things up this time by delivering a half-nekkid ass rapper covered in tattoos. Did I need to see Waka Flocka Flame (which sounds like the name of a charbroiled chicken joint co-owned by Fozzie Bear and Shakira) like this? Not really. Would I rather he flash his crotch jewels instead of the diamond-encrusted claw machine trinkets around his neck? Sort of, yeah. Is Waka Flocka Flame's PETA ad going to convince Kanye West to stop wearing his favorite mink nutsack cozy? Probably not. But hey, bitch tried.

via Popeater

These pictures were labeled "Brad Pitt in character as Jackie Cogan in New Orleans" by the photo agency and it really got me excited for a hot second, because I thought they were finally making a biopic on the life of the dude who played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family. Benjamin Button would look like a sweet kind of special in a Dutch Boy wig. But roll me in a bed of sadness, because Shiloh's full-sized twin is playing "a professional enforcer who investigates a heist that went down during a mob-protected poker game." A professional enforcer who uses kitchen grease as leave-in conditioner and keeps his bathroom cabinet full of boxes of Miss Clairol for Goatees.

And on a different note, let me take the time to wish all of you a HAPPY FAT TUESDAY, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY and a HAPPY INTERNATIONAL PANCAKE DAY! Make sure to tell a woman that you fully respect her before flashing your nipples at her for a string of pancake balls.

Above is the answer to the question: who is the beat scared of? It's Tom Brady dancing by himself at Carnival in Rio! Tom is getting it and then some. Dude is moving like a grandma whose laxative just kicked in while she's trying to climb a ladder. This ALMOST makes up for the fact that all of Tom's hotness is slowly draining out of the greasy spout of hair on the back of his head. But Tom will keep winning me over with his herp derp bounce.

And here's Tom relaxing on the balcony of his hotel with Gis after a night of shaking his shit.

Chuck Norris is delivering a swift roundhouse kick of WTF to your brains in the first part of a 2-part article on the U.S. public school system he wrote for World Net Daily. Chuck thinks that American public schools are teaching our children to be gay-loving whores who hate religion but love abortions. According to Chuck, these "progressive indoctrination camps" only hire teachers who will spread the dark-sided gayness to their students. Because of this, the "red, white and blue" on the American flag will soon be changed to the colors of the rainbow and all churches will be replaced with rolling skating rinks that only play Xanadu.

Here's a little of what Chuck wrote (full post here):

On Dec. 27, 1820, Thomas Jefferson wrote about his vision for the University of Virginia (chartered in 1819), "This institution will be based on the illimitable freedom of the human mind. For here we are not afraid to follow the truth wherever it may lead, nor to tolerate any error as long as reason is left free to combat it."

But what should happen 200 years later when our public schools and universities avoid the testing of truths? Or suppress alternate opinions because they are unpopular or politically incorrect? Or no longer tolerate opinions now considered errors or obsolete by the elite? What happens when sociopolitical agendas or scientific paradigms dominate academic views to the exclusion of a minority even being mentioned?

What happens when the political and public educational pendulum swings from concern for the tyranny of sectarianism in Jefferson's day to secularism in ours? What happens when U.S. public schools become progressive indoctrination camps?

Dr. Jim Nelson Black, founder and senior policy analyst of the Sentinel Research Associates in Washington, D.C., wrote an excellent book, "Freefall of the American University." In it, he documents the clear biases pervading our public academic settings. Among that lopsidedness is the intentional training of students to disdain America, freely experiment sexually, forcefully defend issues like abortion and homosexuality, as well as become cultural advocates for political correctness, relativism, globalization, green agendas and tolerance for all.

One of the primary ways these educative platforms are spread is by recruiting and retaining faculty members who reflect and teach them.

Is Chuck basically saying that the public school system is now getting a giant injection of homosexuality and smuttiness? Examples:

Instead of teaching world history, they're now teaching Glee history.

Instead of gym, students go straight to the shower room and spend the full hour soaping each other up.

Instead of teaching abstinence during sex education class, instructors hand out copies of the Kama Sutra and a list of where you can get black market morning-after pills if the free clinic is closed.

Only lesbians can enroll in woodshop class and musical theater is mandatory to all students.

Any mention of Jesus Christ in any book has been crossed out and replaced with the name: Barbra Streisand.

I did not know this! Why the fuck did Chuck Norris keep this from me for so long? I'm about to pull a Strangers with Candy and do high school all over again. Thanks, Chuck!

via Towleroad