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Amanda Seyfried and Elle Magazine got together, and some time before or after she posed with a goose, she casually let it be known that she felt the wet warmth of Alexander Skarsgard's Swedish berries on her tongue once or twice. Amanda said it like nothing. Like the same way John Galliano says, "J'adore di Hitler." LIKE NOTHING! Allow me to let this information marinate on my WTF place while you go through all the quotes that came out of Amanda's mouth before she dropped an envelope filled with SKARS.

On her best on-screen kisses: “I can’t lie. It didn’t suck making out with Channing [Tatum] and Justin [Timberlake]. “

On who she would like to be paired up with next: “I’d really love to make out with Michael Fassbender. Put me in a movie with that guy. I’m serious. Wow.”

On falling in love on set: “[It is] one of the easiest things in the world. You’re both open. You’re put in a situation where you have to make out with each other. It’s easy for things to get carried away.”

On how she thought her recent ex Dominic Cooper was breaking up with his longtime girlfriend to be with her: “I was just kind of foolishly thinking that the two of them were done and Dom and I were involved. But we weren’t really as involved as I thought. So I got my heart broken pretty hard.”

On eventually getting back together with Cooper: “…and then it took a long time for us to break up again. After that, it’s really hard to open myself up to a new person. Really hard.”

On her rumored romance with Ryan Phillippe: “Um, yeah. I’ve been ‘seen’ with him.”

On Alexander Skarsgård: “We dated. He’s superfunny, but I was too involved with Dom.”

HUH?! Amanda didn't dump ASkars because her vagina kept clapping his name in Morse code and it got distracting. And she also didn't end things with ASkars because she kept screaming the name of IKEA products when he was hitting it from the back and it freaked her out. Bitch quit ASkars for Dominic Cooper! Amanda obviously didn't say this in front of the goose or that trick would've pecked her tongue out. And I would've held the goose's purse while it did so.

Lindsay Lohan will make fun of her own situation if it gets her an extra 5 minutes of relevancy and/or a money order made out to cash. But if anybody else uses the Lohan name in a joke, LiLo digs the built-up bronzer that usually clogs up her tear ducts and starts weeping out a dry ravine of fraudulent sad drops over it. When oh when is the world going to realize that the Lohans are in the same company as kittens with cleft palates, Carol Channing and toddlers in tiny wheelchairs (aka things we don't make fun of)!!! Lorne Michaels learned this very lesson when he received an e-mail from Lindsay Lohan after Miley Cyrus made fun of her on SNL. Lorne should make Seth Meyers read it during Weekend Update next week, because it will probably get the biggest laugh.

A source has let TMZ know that LiLo has always considered Lorne a friend, mentor and father figure, so she was more than upset that he gave the greenlight for their public mocking of her. Lorne hasn't hit the "reply" button yet, apparently.

Whatever happened to the LiLo who put her internal anger and pain into writing riveting rock ballads like "Confessions of a Broken Heart"? She's like a bawling baby who smells like expired collagen and Red Bull urine. The LiLo of today is constantly butt hurt for absolutely no reason. Who wants to be butt hurt without having butt sex? That's no fun. I swear, this WAH WAH WAH bitch is crying at everything. I bet when she watches "It Gets Better" videos, she thinks they are talking to her.

Cry me a river, ho! No, seriously, please do, because that river is probably 100 proof. Get your cups out!

Warner Bros. TV has officially turned the highest-paid actor in television into the most annoying warlock crackhead in line at the unemployment office. They have snatched the winning hash tag out of Charlie Sheen's hands by writing "DUH! BUH BYE" in sloth blood on his pink slip. The "maggot trolls" of Warner Bros. issued this statement:

"After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on Two and a Half Men effective immediately."

Charlie continued to sound like he writes Choose Your Own Adventure novels in his spare time when he spewed out his response:

"This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension."

Can Charlie continue to use "winning" even when he's been fired by CBS, fired by sanity, fired by his publicist, fired by Brooke Mueller, and fired (for a quick second) by Bree Olson?

CBS hasn't said whether or not Two and a Half Men will continue to terrorize, but I see no reason to put Jon Cryer and that kid out of a job. They should do what the producers of Valerie's Family did when Valerie Harper quit that bitch: HIRE SANDY DUNCAN! If anybody can save a show, it's Sandy Duncan! One and a Half Men Plus SANDY DUNCAN! Add it to your Tivo wish list just in case.

Where are the Graboids when you need them? - TDW

Dear Kate Winslet, there can only be one Brigitte Nielsen so stop it - Lainey Gossip

The bigger story here is that Taylor Momsen is wearing pants - The Superficial

Billy Ray Cyrus was just about to bawl lonely tears into his Taco Party Pack for one when he saw these pictures and got distracted (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

This is parody, right? - Towleroad

Why is Blake Lively wearing the Mandarin Oriental logo on her dress? - Hollywood Tuna

Sophie Monk hands in her gold diggers membership card - Celebitchy

Rafael Nadal's nipples for Emporio Armani - Just Jared

Meet the dance assassin - The Berry

Halle Berry's belly button peep hole dress is every shade of NO - Popoholic

Kate Hudson turning her womb into a baby sauna in Mexico - Popsugar

Demi Lovato thanks her fans in a video message, while looking like a 30-something office manager who has a boyfriend named "Flaco" and always blasts oldies in her cubicle - ICYDK

Scar loved him some lion dick, ALLEGEDLY - OMG Blog

If Miss Piggy scalped RiRi and wore her hair - Crunk + Disorderly

Tell Ceiling Eyes to go back inside and not come out until she's got Mama Patridge with her - Moe Jackson

What the flock? - Cityrag

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned booze and heroin addictions on Celebrity Rehab? - Hollywood Rag

I want to knead dough on Jason Patric's glorious forehead - SOW

Chaz Bono and KFed must share stylists - Celebslam

But did Mimi play the baby bottle battle game? - I'm Not Obsessed

It's Carnival time in Rio and everyone from Jude Law to Gisele Bundchen to Pamela Anderson to Tom Brady are partying until their puzzle piece hairlines fall off (in Jude's case) or until their faces fall off (in Gisele's case) or until their labias fall off (in Pammy's case) or until their ponytails fall off (in Tom's case).

Jude Law started things off by getting himself a mouth full of Brazilian TV hostess Hebe Carmengo in the VIP Box. I'm sorry to say, but Jude and Sienna never made this kind of heat when their lips touched. It's getting so hot that the hairs left on Jude's head are about to scurry down south to his chest where it's cooler. Hotter than if Charlie Sheen's flame throw-hands fisted Heat Miser in the middle of a volcano.

And then the face of Canadian beauty Pamela Anderson cooled things off when she glided into the room like a fresh Spring breeze jumping off the petals of a daisy. Pamela was there with a new piece and nearly threw beads made of UGH at the audience when her DIY dress nearly exposed her danger zone.

As for Gis and Tom, the things dudes will grow to get some chocha. That ponytail makes Tom look like Samantha Ronson's less attractive sister who is addicted to Pabst and male hormones.

In the beginning of a PSA for women's rights, Daniel Craig starts off in his James Bond drag before slipping away and magically reappearing in an Ann Coulter wig and a hideous dress from Talbots (that dress definitely doesn't say "It's a Chico's Kind of Day"). Sadly, they don't show us any in-between footage of Daniel shimmying into a silicone breast bra or seductively rolling a thigh high stocking up his leg. That was a missed opportunity, because nothing says "gender equality" like James Bond in control-top panties. Roll that beautiful Bond footage:

I think I speak for all of our genitals when I say, we still would...in or out of drag. And yes, I want Judi Dench to narrate it.

via Vulture

While my brain is spending its rollover thought minutes on wondering if Prince Hot Ginge is going to wear his lucky Union Jack thong on Britain's special day, most hos are thinking about Kate Middleton's wedding dress. Kate's hitchin' gown is going to be the second most famous dress of the century after THE SLUT DRESS, and now the Telegraph is saying that it will be designed by Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen. YES! YES! YES! There will be nothing better than seeing Kate Middleton walk down the aisle dressed like a reindeer ghost who fell into a mountain of moth balls after crashing through a gothic grandma's front room curtains. Say fuck yes to that dress, Kate.

The house of Alexander McQueen has denied the rumors, but the Telegraph thinks they are just saying that to keep the noisy noses from sniffing up their assholes. A source says that Kate and Sarah Burton are working on the dress together. The Telegraph goes on:

Mrs Burton, who took over as creative director of the fashion label following the suicide of Alexander McQueen last year, strenuously denied having won the commission.

But sources said the 36-year-old had been chosen for the discretion afforded by her relatively low profile, as well as for her alternative take on elegance.

If confirmed, the selection of one of Britain's edgiest labels will be seen as a fresh attempt by Miss Middleton to develop her own unique style after drawing criticism in some quarters for her "conservative" dress sense.

Welp, the designers at David's Bridal can toss their sketch pads into the dumpster, because I guess this contest was won a long time ago. Seriously, though, Kate should have to tackle and stab a trick in the neck for a wedding dress like normal hos do!

And here's a few pictures of Kate throughout the years that her family released. If marrying a royal means that your family gets to release all the awkward photos you thought you burned in a metal trash can in the backyard, then count me the hell out. No, I don't mean that. If getting to wear Prince Hot Ginge's family jewels on my heads means that everybody gets to see me looking like an anorexic brown Bichon Frise with glasses, then bring 'em out.

In an Internet commercial for Agua Inteligente, Jennifer Aniston acts out one of her recurring dreams which features an endless amount of PUPPIES!, fake babies and soft-core hair porn. It really is like an Aniston dream! Puppies that keep your crotch warm and babies that you can turn off with the touch of an ESC button? It's like heaven on Aniston's earth. Although, I'm not sure if the babies in her dreams freak like 6th grades at a spring dance. That's a story for Maddox to leak to the tabloids.

SmartWater's whoring for hits video also features cameos by Keenan Cahill, Brad Wollack and Double Rainbow Dude. I'm guessing that SmartWater couldn't afford Antoine Dodson's minimum appearance fee. I'm also guessing that the Backin' Up Backin' Up Lady refused to participate, because she only drinks water if it's cut with coffee and powdered cream.

via Lainey Gossip

Fernando Flores, Our Lady of Cheetos' former bodyguard who hit her with a sexual harassment lawsuit after he claims she tried to get down his chonies and flashed his labia rinds at him, is struttin' his foolery on the ho stroll yet again. This time Fernando is licking his lips, shaking his ass and promising to flat line your retinas by releasing a bunch of nekkid pictures that Brit Brit allegedly sent him. Only your retinas are probably used to it by now since they've already been brought back to life by defibrillator paddles after they died the first time they got a glimpse of her coochieronies.

But Fernando still thinks that pictures will cause Brit Brit's fans to feel SHOCK and DISGUST. After sliding a check between their cleavage, a "friend" of Fernando's told The Sun, "They are really explicit images that will shock and disgust the majority of her fans. Fernando says he can prove the photos were taken on Britney's phone and sent to his mobile. He says she sent them last April when she was coming on to him on a daily basis. He left the following month. Some of the pictures show Britney with the camera between her legs. Others show her in provocative positions wearing lingerie. There are a few where she is naked, exposing herself in a way that she clearly hoped would make him aroused."

That dumb fuck Fernando really needs to look up the meaning of the words "SHOCK" and "DISGUST." The only way Brit Brit could ever shock us is if she didn't have Chester the Cheetah's paw print tattooed on her labia. And the permanent state of the swamp weave on her head has totally desensitized us from feeling disgust about anything the ho does. Besides, when you Google "Britney Spears pussy" you get this:

But you also get a dozen eye fulls of her chicken fried Doublelicious crotch sandwich. We've already ventured into that den. So unless Fernando gets pictures of Brit Brit doing something truly SHOCKING (like drinking from a cup that doesn't say Starbucks on it, for instance), he needs to put his mouth hole over a bowl of STFU grits (prepared by Daddy Spears, of course).

Almost everybody who reported on Guy Ritchie's piece being knocked up referred to him as "Madonna's ex." That's like his official title now. Guy's business card must say "MADONNA'S EX" in big bold letters with "...and movie director" printed underneath that in tiny sans balls font. That shit must hurt more than the time the fangs on Madge's vadge bit his tongue during oral. But anyway...

The Daily Mail reports that Guy's 29-year-old model girlfriend of about a year, Jacqui Ainsley, will join every other damn celebrity on this planet by pushing out a BABY!!!!! sometime this year. I swear, by the end of this year we'll have enough umbilical cords to make an escape rope to Venus. Tie that shit together, slip knot the end, lasso it over a crater on Venus and we'll all zip line to a planet that's free of wet burps and baby diarrhea bubbles.

Guy and Jacqui have yet to confirm any of this, but one of her friends is doing it for her. Because that's what friends are for! One had this to say: "Jacqui was crying with joy when she found out. They went on holiday because Guy is desperate for her to take it easy. He won't let her do anything more strenuous than argue over baby names."

Congrats to Guy! Congrats to Jacqui! And congrats to Madge's boy toy who will soon have a new playdate partner!

Here's a few pictures of Guy and Jacqui talking about how they're going to name their baby "FUCKYOUMADGE" a couple of weeks ago.