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It was LIT-ERALLY 5 seconds ago (6 days, to be exact exact) when Rachel "Chupa" Zoe sneezed out little Bananas Chanel (birth certificate name: Skyler Morrison Bergman) and he's already in front of a camera. Chupa posted this picture of her husband Harry Bieber and their child baby on her website today. Most babies look like golden raisins with tiny faces to me, so there's not much to comment on there. But I'm a little disappointed that he's wearing a plain onesie instead of McQueen lobster claw booties, a chinchilla vest and sunglasses bigger than his face. I mean, at least tell me that onesie is a reworked vintage Halston disco gown! Chupa, you disappoint!

The monster family built by Ray J's crooked dick and Ryan Seacrest's highlights are on the cover of Redbook Magazine and in it Pimp Mama Kris Kardashian says that they are always ALWAYS always working. For you and me, there's 24 hours in one day, but the day has created an extra hour just for the Kardashians. Or maybe Kim slows down the spinning earth by sitting on the ground. Whatever the case may be, Kris is sick of people saying they don't have jobs, because the fact is they work 25 hours a day! Kris puts it like this (via UsWeekly):

"It's annoying when I hear, 'What do your girls do?' Well, first of all, all of my daughters have jobs. They are fashion stylists and designers; they own a chain of stores. They had the stores before they had the show. I've been whoring my kids out since And my kids worked from the time they were 13 years old. So to me, that's a huge misconception that the girls don't work. They work 25 hours a day."

They might not be singers or dancers, but they certainly know how to produce a television show. Whether you want to call it talent or not, they have multiple shows on the air. How many shows do you have?"

"How many shows do you have?" Shut your Larry from Three's Company looking ass, Kris! Delusional hag. I mean, SNOOKI is on a damn reality show. It can't be that hard. If we got dicked by a D-list R&B singer in a leaked sex tape, we'd all have reality shows too! Am I jealous? Maybe, because I've been trying to get Young Rome to return my calls for this very reason, and nothing. But maybe I'm being too harsh on these trash heap heifers.

Saying words in front of a camera. That's working! Looking at a flashing camera while standing really still. That's working! Using the ladder in their basement to step down into hell to chant before Satan so that he can keep their 15 minutes going?. That's working! Hanging food in the trees every night so Khloe can't get to it? That's working! Okay, I take it all back. They're the busiest whores in America!

Which D-list star from a famous musical family is trying to convince her parents and siblings to sign off on a reality show? Her biggest obstacle is her A-list sister who has forbidden the rest of the family from appearing in front of the cameras. (Blind Gossip)

Detective La Toya Jackson should stop trying to convince that fun-hating Janet Jackson! La Toya doesn't need any of them, because she can carry her own show! La Toya can get Dionne Warwick to be her sidekick. Dionne's hussy-busting bitchiness will balance out La Toya's childlike sweetness.

Which young star was spotted picking up a pregnancy test during her next promotional stop? She’s officially single right now, but toying with the idea of new boyfriend though it remains to be seen whether or not he’s just a convenient distraction for publicity or the real deal. Or maybe it’s a leftover from the ex after a farewell hookup?

Needless to say, with that kind of purchase, someone’s been in there. And they may have not been careful, although I guess it shouldn’t surprise me anymore that getting knocked up is a career strategy these days. Naïve as it sound however in her case I just can’t see it. Too young, not ready. Which means I hope her test comes back negative. Because otherwise, obviously, it’s a lot of drama to take care of. (Lainey Gossip)

Vanessa Hudgens? Ashley Greene? Miley Cyrus? Justin Bieber? Whoever it is, maybe they're just buying a pregnancy test for fun. We shouldn't jump to their womb, or anything. Sometimes just plain peeing is boring, so throwing a pregnancy test in there adds some mystery, drama and thrill to ordinary toilet time. You should try it.

This host of an A+ network reality show and producer and radio guy was at a club two weeks ago. At the club he started making out with some random woman he had been flirting with. Apparently most people were shocked not that he was cheating on his D list celebrity girlfriend, but that he was actually making out with a woman. (CDAN)

Gaycrest and it was probably a dare. Leprechauns never turn down dares.

A year ago after a movie premiere this A List star and B list star had a hookup that resulted in a short lived affair, even though both are married. Now, a year later the actress has a new baby and the actor is wondering if it’s his. (BuzzFoto)

This couldn't be more vague if it said "a person got another person pregnant in the past," so I'm just going to throw Elton John and Celine Dion's names out there.

Does Valtrex come in eye drop form? - Popsugar

Wheelchair Jimmy is popping a wheelie over past records - Lainey Gossip

And suddenly RiRi's BlackBerry is overcome with dick pictures. I wish I had her BlackBerry's problems. - The Superficial

Rachel Hunter or Brooklyn Decker? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

White Diamonds Drive coming soon! Maybe. - Towleroad

Angelina Jolie and her brother are like, "Awwwwwwwww, but did they give each other a goodnight kiss?" - TDW

Hilary Duff with a cup of what looks like carrot juice (insert a bountiful array of pony jokes here) - Hollywood Tuna

David Arquette will have another booze-fueled meltdown in 3..2.... - Just Jared

Mark March 30, 2011 as the day I actually agree with something Mop Head said - Celebitchy

Reese Witherspoon wore a pink wedding dress - ICYDK

And I really hope it was the exact shade of pink Rose McGowan is wearing here - Popoholic

Brit Brit Spears playing her own game of "stiff as board" during her Jimmy Kimmel performance - Hollywood Rag

Topless pictures of Chris Riggi (or as casting directors call him, "third-string Taylor Lautner") - The Berry

The Bronx Zoo Cobra needs a reality show - OMG Blog

John Cena is a saint - Popbytes

Lily Allen has some choice fuck words for the person who leaked her wedding invite - I'm Not Obsessed

My guess is Phyllis Diller wearing a Jessica Biel wig - Cityrag

This clip from a cop car cam shows a drunk lady in Ohio trying to recite the alphabet and count from 69 after she was pulled over for possible DUI. Homegirl didn't say the alphabet the way most of us say it, she did it the Jessica Simpson way and skipped a few of the least popular letters. But the thing is, is this a drunk ho test or the damn kindergarten SATS?! Shit. Dumb shit drunk drivers already have to worry about killing themselves and others on the road, and now they have to worry about sharpening the No. 2 pencil in their heads to take a test if they get pulled over? Whatever happened to the days when drunks just blew on something and called it a night? I blame that Waiting for Superman documentary.

And that cop isn't right. When her drunk ass went from D to F to W to Z back to L, that should've been his cue to lock 'er up instead of telling her to go on. He just wanted to keep laughing at drunk sad ass.

via Buzzfeed

If you ask me, there's only room in the world for one ice cold blonde cooking mogul who can't even boil an egg unless she's got a team of chefs nearby to help her (that one's for you, Sandra Lee). Fishsticks Paltrow disagrees with me and the rumor is she's about terrorize the magazine world the same way she slimed across country music. Fishy is James Franco-ing her way through life by trying to conquer every single medium from TV to movies to the Internet to music to print! The New York Post has heard that the halls of Hearst Publishing are filled with fake British accent whispers, which could only mean one thing: GOOPY IS JOINING THEIR FAMILY!

A source at Hearst claims that Fishy is in super secret talks with them about publishing her own food magazine. A rep for Hearst denies the rumor, but the source says that it is something they're talking about. Shit could get TOO REAL next month if Fishy's cookbook "My Father's Daughter" becomes a bestseller. This could prove to Hearst that Fishy's food magazine will sell.

Knowing Fishy, it will also be more than just food. Next to an article on 101 ways to prepare bottled water, she'll list the top 10 pair of cashmere socks that won't ruin in the washing machine if your weekend laundress accidentally throws them in there. It will be the perfect magazine for bitches who want to know what it feels like to be born into a millionaire family, marry a millionaire and become a millionaire yourself. I would say that it will also be the perfect magazine to pick up dog shit with, but Fishy will probably price it in pounds so none of us will be able to afford it.

If GOOP: The Magazine doesn't work for Fishy, she can always name it Better Than YOUR Homes and Gardens.

Many, many, many breakdowns ago during Courtney Love's "lucid movie star"phase, she dated Edward Norton and said that he saved her life. Courtney also later said that he stole $300,000 from her (Court would sue a bodega ATM if the courts would accept her case, so nothing became of that case). And now after hearing that Edward is engaged to his girlfriend, Courtney is saying that it's about time a woman make an honest man out of him and he better start making babies before his sperm fish dehydrate and turn into jizz jerky.

At a screening for Meek's Cutoff in NYC, Page Six told Court about Ed's engagement news and she said, "Wow, it's about time. He's 41, they've been together for six years. He needs to have babies. I wonder what kind of ring he got her? He bought me a ruby. He has great character. He's very political. I see him being a senator one day."

The dealer who traded a fanny pack full of 8-balls for Courtney's ruby now knows the story behind his favorite pinky ring.

And here's Courtney with Eric and Melissa from Hole at a screening for Hit So Hard at the MOMA in NYC the other night. Courtney might look like a Victorian ghost from crackheads past who stole a dwarf's ears, but I've seen her look worse....so yay.

Even Prince Hot Ginge's farts are hot enough to blast through an immersion suit and melt the ice into an icy puddle. And after PHG awed the members of Walking with the Wounded by liquifying the hard ice with his fiery flaming nalgas, some of them jumped into the 1C salt water! Or as some of you with slumlords call it, a daily morning shower.

Once PHG crawled out of the worst Calgon bath ever, he said the words that will echo through my no-no for days to come: "It's quite tight on the balls!"

This is one of those times where I wish that syndicated sitcoms from the 1980s were works of non-fiction. If this was the case, I would've asked Evie from Out of this World to stop time with her fingers and tap me on the shoulder, so that I'd unfreeze and take a kayak all the way to the North Pole. Then I would've floated on top of the ice water and waited until Evie unfroze time so that PHG could land right on top of me. Yes, I'd shatter into a million pieces the same way a hot glass casserole dish does when cold water hits it, but it would be a beautiful way to go.

Here's the video of Prince Hot Ginge making ice cubes cum by swimming through them:

Is it weird for me to be jealous of ice water? I swear, I'm never going to be able to enjoy an ice cube now that I know it's relatives once felt the heat of Hot Ginge's crotch orbs and turned his peen into an arcdick. Backstabbing, homewrecking cunts.

Not all is lost, though. PHG still has 3 days left of his trek for charity through the North Pole. That gives me time to track down Evie and beg her to tell me that Out of this World was really a documentary. LIE TO ME, Evie!

The Internet broke into a collective meltdown over a week ago when NBC debuted Adrianne Palicki's Wonder Woman costume that looked like something a cosplay pornstar put together on a budget using shit found in a Halloween clearance bin at Ricky's, an American Apparel outlet and a Frederick's sidewalk sale. NBC must've been taking notes, because they de-skanked and reworked the costume. Gone is the yeast-producing blue condom leggings and the blue high-heeled boots. Wonder Woman's crotch still looks like it's doing a Droopy Dog impersonation and she'll never bring the kind of glamour Lynda Carter brought, but it's an improvement from the last "drag queen on a dime" mess.

And Right Said Fred is in the pilot episode, so if NBC insists on butchering Wonder Woman they can at least look sexy while doing so. And a giant NO COMMENT TODAY OR TOMORROW about those Uggs on Wonder Woman's feet. Lynda Carter would NEVER!

After Britney Spears' sleepdance and yawn-synch performance on Good Morning America yesterday, the USB stick inserted into her brain told her to announce that this summer she's co-headlining a national tour with Enrique Iglesias. The part of you that still lives in 2001 freaked the hell out before changing the channel to watch the premiere of Six Feet Under. But three seconds after the announcement was made, Enrique Iglesias pried himself off the tour the same way an alley rat pried that mole off his face with its teeth. Enrique no longer wants to be a part of Brit's beef jerky mime show.

TMZ says that the reason is because Enrique is a dramatic cunt diva queen who thinks his pussy poppin' game is tighter than Brit's and refuses to open for her or anybody else! Even though Enrique was billed as a co-headliner, he wants to close the show and not open it. A source said that Brit and Enrique's team spent weeks working out the details of the tour including placement and money issues. In the source's opinion, the deal was fair for both sides, but Enrique still thinks he's nothing but an appetizer for the main course (which tastes like soggy fried chicken and grits made with lukewarm tap water).

But a different source tells Billboard that Brit and Enrique are trying to work things in hopes that they will bring the hottest tour of 2001 to the US. And here's some EXCLUSIVO backstage footage of Enrique and Brit (I put your name before hers this time, Enrique, so don't bitch) in deep and heated negotiations last night:

The conclusion? Brit's got a case of overheated right foot. No, they didn't get around to discussing that tour shit, but they're on it!

Enrique really needs to fuck his ego orifice with an erect stick made of reason and get over himself! Think about it. Does Enrique really want to perform after Brit? Did he watch her on GMA and Kimmel yesterday? If he performed after Brit, he'd take the stage and find most of the audience in a coma that not even a Frapp injection to the heart could reverse. Fuck Enrique! Brit should get the Quizno's singing rats to co-headline with her instead. They'd have way more delicious foods in their dressing room, anyway.

And here's Brit doing the poop cocktail supreme stunt on Kimmel last night.

That Port-A-Potty really is a thing of magic, because Brit came out 20 pounds lighter, wearing a totally different color tank top and moved like she doesn't have rigor mortis bones.

It's a damn shame Brit didn't do the Jackass stunt herself, because then her weave would've finally gotten a proper bath!