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Because I know you've been waiting to read what possible presidential candidate Mike Huckabee thinks of Natalie Portman accepting the Oscar with a womb full of baby and an empty wedding ring finger, here's what he said on The Michael Medved Show on Monday:

"People see a Natalie Portman who boasts, 'We're not married but we're having these children and they're doing just fine.' I think it gives a distorted image. It's unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of- wedlock children. Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can't get a job, and if it weren't for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care," he said. "And that's the story that we're not seeing."

Mike shook his head when Natalie thanked her fiance Benjamin Millipedeorwhatever for giving her the most wonderful gift ever. But wait, back in 2007, Mike slow clapped for Jamie Lynn Spears, because she chose to have her baby.

"Apparently, she's going to have the child, and I think that is the right decision, a good decision, and I respect that and appreciate it. I hope it is not an encouragement to other 16-year-olds who think that is the best course of action. But at the same time I'm not going to condemn her. It's a tragedy when a 16-year-old who is not really prepared for all the responsibilities of adult life is going to be now faced with all the responsibilities of honest-to-goodness adult life."

So, 16-year-old having a baby = OK! But, grown ass woman with a fiance having a baby = MORAL KILLER! Okay, I will update my files.

The only thing this tells us is that Mike Huckabee's favorite show is Teen Mom and he secretly hates Natalie Portman. Why? Because he wanted "the lesbian" to win!

via UsWeekly

You really should tell your boss to pay you time-and-a-half for today, because it's turning out to be an accidental holiday. Orit Fux already put the HO in holiday by giving us "Garden of Eden" glamour and now former Hot Slut of the Week Johanna Tukiainen is really putting the frosting flowers on the cake by posing like the delicate glazed cloudberry that she is in her wedding photos. If you don't know who Johanna is, then the only thing you need to know is that she's the official flower of Finland and the sole reason why the country is the biggest importer of fake tanner and Wet 'N Wild frosted pink lipstick.

The daughter of Anna Nicole Smith and a Teletubby married some old dude in a fairytale wedding held in an ice castle on Saturday afternoon. The 150 degree fumes wafting off of Johanna's skin (smells like burnt pumpkin seeds, old maple honey stain and sweat from an Oompa Loompa's ass) almost caused the ice kingdom to melt into a pool of sadness, but otherwise the ceremony was as beautiful as a wedding between an overcooked sweet potato and Mr. Burns' black sheep brother could be.

Oh, well there was one more issue at the beginning of the day. A black swan (they're everywhere because of that damn movie) grew jealous of Joanna's beauty and tried to peck her eyes out. But once it got an up-close viewing of her gorgeous face, it surrendered itself and gave up its feathers to further her beauty cause. Johanna wears her haters on her eyelids oh so well.

The article about Finland's wedding of the year from iltalehti.fi is completely in Finnish ("DUH" - Charlie Sheen), but thankfully Google Translate exists. Google Translate has taken an article I don't understand and turned it into another article I don't understand

Johanna Tukiainen dream princess wedding took place on Saturday Saariselkä. Morsian oli varautunut kylmään jääkirkkoon muhkealla turkisviitalla, jonka alta pilkisti näyttävä valkoinen hääpuku pinkein koristein. The bride had prepared a magnificent cold jääkirkkoon turkisviitalla a peep over the showy white wedding gown with pink trim.

Tukiaisen perhe oli saapunut paikalle Tukholmasta. Tukiainen family had arrived from Stockholm. Vain Julia-sisko joutui jättämään häät väliin. Only Julia's sister had to leave the wedding in between.

Tuore hääpari suunnittelee yhteenmuuttoa. Fresh young couple plans to move together. Virallisesti Arto Länsman asuu edelleen Ivalossa ja Johanna Tukiainen Helsingissä. Officially, Arto Länsman still lives in Ivalo and Johanna Tukiainen, Helsinki, Finland.

Uh huh. Let me translate it into one word: PERFECTION!!!!

Click here to see a gallery of images from this magical day. I've left a few below for you to sunbathe under. The last one really is something special and I really hope the Finnish government puts it on their currency. It looks like Johanna's new husband went blind from staring directly into the pink sun on her mouth.

During his radio show yesterday, Howard Stern and Robin Quivers Givens discussed American Idol: Howard told Robin that he knew why Jennifer Lopez took the judging gig — but he didn’t feel comfortable repeating it on the air. Robin demanded to know, so Howard scribbled the reason on a piece of paper and had Gary carry the note over. Robin was shocked: “Get out of here! Wow…that’s amazing.”

Why do you think Jennifer Lopez really took the gig on American Idol? (Blind Gossip)

Skeletor is running out of virgins to feed from, so JLo is using American Idol to round up pure innocents for him to suck the blood out of? Or JLo is using American Idol to get closer to Gaycrest, because Skeletor knows how powerful leprechaun blood is? Or JLo's doing down low sex shit with Randy Jackson? Or (and most likely) JLo is broke?

Andy Dick phoned in to the Howard Stern show today. Before Andy hung up, he told the crew about a drug-fueled tryst he once had with a “very famous” actress–a “very famous” actress he refused to name: “We were both out of it. We were doing anything we could get our hands on. We were alone. I was going down on her.” When Andy was finished downtown, he went to kiss her and immediately fell asleep: “I passed out on her, woke up and had wet myself.” (Blind Gossip)

Carol Channing, you naaaaaasty! Or maybe this is Lindsay Lohan?

So, this recovering former A list tweener was out the other night and this is what her boyfriend said to her. "One drink is not going to hurt you baby." Yeah, her celebrity boyfriend has always been a sleaze and always will be. (CDAN)

Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama?

This underage B list actress from television and film is currently not speaking to her parents because of some sort of falling out. She ran away several months ago and lived in her car for a few days until friends took her in. (BuzzFoto)

NOAH CYRUS!!!!

What do you get when you put Brit Brit & Ke$hit together? No, you don't get a bag of Dick Cheese Cheetos. You get Brit's new song called "Till The World Ends" - Just Jared

Blake Lively bags a billionaire - Lainey Gossip

(Fake) Mos Def knows how big Usher's dick is- The Superficial

Gaga refuses to discuss Galliano - Towleroad

Posh takes out her titty sacks and Wannabe Posh puts some in (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Just how many Megan Fox for Emporio Armani ads does the world really need? - Hollywood Tuna

Justin Bieber's au pair made him get up in front of the class and apologize for saying a bad word with his finger - Celebitchy

Vanessa Hudgens looking a little Olivia Munn-ish - Popoholic

Kamiseta should've gotten Anne Hathaway as Katie Holmes instead - The Berry

And the hilarious "act like an asshole" part of James Franco's performance art piece has just begun - Popsugar

This Black Swan tattoo is almost as painful as Natalie Portman's laugh - OMG Blog

Ryan Reynolds is possibly getting it on with a tan Michelle Williams-alike in South Africa - ICYDK

Maru should be a Hair Battle Spectacular model - TDW

AnnaLynne McCord and Tristan Wilds demonstrating how Bobby popped Whitney's doody bubbles - Cityrag

Charlie Sheen is winning Twitter - I'm Not Obsessed

Matthew McConaughey doing a form of yoga called Power Travolta - SOW

Karissa Shannon is nose picking her way to relevance - Moe Jackson

Prince Andrew knows how to party...illegally - Hollywood Rag

It's a wonderful day on Dlisted when I get to post about the jewel of Israel and one of the most beautiful women in the world Orit Fux. It's just unfortunate that I have to post about her under these circumstances. I mean, do you know how much a silicone nipple costs these days and now it's inside of a beauty-hating SNAKE.

Orit Fux is a modern day Eve, so this whole "Garden of Eden" reenactment does make sense.

via Buzzfeed

Beyonce, Nelly Furtado, Mimi and Usher all performed for the Gaddafi (or Gadhafi or Qaddafi or Gadaffy Duck or what the fuck ever) family at one point in their careers for a $1 million check. Beyonce already announced that she's donated the money to relief efforts in Haiti. Nelly Furtado also said that she's going to give the cash to charity. Usher has kept his lips shut on the subject and Mimi took a break from laying twin eggs on the leaf of a plant to issue a statement saying that she's embarrassed about performing for Gaddafi's son at a party in St. Barts in 2008.

Mimi didn't know! They just tell her where to go and she shows up in a cocoon of Spanx and heels so high that the circus classifies them as stilts. Mimi yodeled out this promise to do better:

"I was naive and unaware of who I was booked to perform for. I feel horrible and embarrassed to have participated in this mess," she said. "Going forward, this is a lesson for all artists to learn from. We need to be more aware and take more responsibility regardless of who books our shows. Ultimately, we as artists are to be held accountable."

And what is Mimi going to do with that $1 million she collected from Gaddafi? She didn't say, but her rep said this: "Mariah has and continues to donate time, money, and countless hours of personal service both here and abroad."

Basically, she's keeping the money, bitches, and don't try to wrestle it out of her swole hands! Do you really expect the walls in her twins' nursery to be covered with 14k gold instead of 24k gold?! Do you really want their cribs to be bedazzled with cheap rhinestones instead of real diamonds?! OF COURSE NOT! Let's all think of Mimi and her unborn Hello Kitties for once!

Disney has rolled out their latest batch of "Dream Portraits" shot by Annie Leibovitz and they pretty much broke the Photoshop machine several times on these. They all look like oil paintings a community college art student might sell in the last booth at the swap meet. But on a positive note, the casting isn't totally making my head slump down like the time a boyfriend and me got stuck on the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland.

Yes, I'd rather see Wynonna Judd or Sonia from Operacion Repo as Divine (aka Ursula), but Queen Latifah is a good third choice. Alec Baldwin as the magic mirror works and Olivia Wilde throws an adequate stone cold Megan Fox face, but Sharon Stone or any one of the queens on Drag Race would've really scared the core out of an apple with their cunt glares.

But the only one I don't understand at all is Jeff Bridges as The Beast and Penelope Cruz as Belle. I mean, HUH? Were Khloe Kardashian and the most beautiful Disney princess ever, Zac Efron, not available?!

In this week's National Enquirer (via Boy Culture) are pictures of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's daughter Bobbi Kristina snorting what looks like a runway of the bad shit. On Radar yesterday, they posted pictures of Andy Dick doing the same thing in a car parked outside of a bar in Woodland Hills, CA. This is why you should only do coke in a polling booth, because those bitches will tackle any trick with a camera.

So, the photos of 18-year-old Bobbi Kristina with her nostril on a snort straw were given to the Enquirer by an ex-boyfriend who is trying to shame her into rehab. The leaker tells the Enquirer that coke isn't the only stuff Bobbi Kris messes with. Apparently, she smokes weed, sucks down beer like a Mexican uncle and drinks Everclear. Whitney can cry for the receipts until her tonsils dry up and drop, but the pictures are straight out of the receipt printer.

BUT Bobbi Kris jumped off the mirror and jumped in front of a computer to take to her Twitter and tell her followers that it's not what it looks like. IT WAS SALVIA DUST! From Bobbi K's Twitter:

The pictures_ a former very dear person to me did this. Set me up to make it look exactly what it looks like. God will smite them yes..But it’s really not what it looks like.. People will do anything for money which is extremely sad, and I’m very hurt by this.Thing’s people do these days to hurt others is a shame. All I can do now, is keep my head up high, keep looking towards the lord.All the lord is telling me is be still. That’s all, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. #BeStill.

I love my family so much. My mom just comforted me to the max, and I’m so thankful for her. Thank you so much lord for blessing me with an Phenomenal family and incredibly phenomenal mother. Thank you for giving me the strength to move forward and put things in the past.

And the person that did this was a result of a horrible relationship that went sour. I was in love_ he was in love with money. I’ve learned My lesson. I’m so much greater and blessed for it today, and I believe nothing less. That is the last I will speak of this, let’s praise god And be greatful and thankful for your family, and people that truly love you, strength, courage, and life lessons learned. GodblessUall «3

What she's trying to say is that COKE IS A JOKE! But what she should really do is grab us by the hand and lead us into her Chinese herbalist's store where she will show us the natural powder she snorts for her migraines (file under: stunts I learned while watching Body of Evidence). Now on to Andy...

The person who gave Radar the pictures of Daphne Aguilera filling his nose hole with Lohan powder says they were taken in a car parked outside of the Corner Club. The source says that before this, they walked into the men's room and caught Andy sucking on some chick's tit. Andy did that for about 15 minutes before he and his lady friend walked to the parking lot. The source goes on, “They were in their own little world. He was oblivious to everything except the cocaine and the woman with him. Andy has openly talked to me about committing suicide and he has definitely hit rock bottom at this point."

ANDY DICK SUCKING ON A NIPPLE BELONGING TO A WOMAN? Coke really is a helluva drug. But the other shocking thing is that two sets of leaked coke snorting pictures came out this week and not one of them stars Charlie Sheen. #win-youknowtherest.

And somewhere in California, Dr. Drew is spinning in a circle because he doesn't know whether he should drag in Bobby Kris or Andy Dick. Somebody take a ballpoint pen, poke it in his reset button and point him in the right direction.

via Jezebel, ONTD & Necole Bitchie

That is the National Enquirer's headline, but they underlined, bolded and leaned the "with a guy" part for maximum dramatic effect. You know, it feels like Miss Benita is whispering this into your ear while waiting in the line for the bathroom at church. Cooch clutch your kegel beads, etc...

An eyewitness tells the Enquirer (via Boy Culture & Towleroad) that Zac chose an NBA party at the W Hotel to openly show his love for the peen by following around a hot buff piece. The hot buff piece must cum Creme de la Mer and have ass lips that taste like blueberry lip gloss, because the witness says that Zac kept at him all night. Zac's on-and-off-again girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens was there and she really didn't give a Mickey Mouse shit that he was on a new crotch.

And at one point, Zac and the object of his erection held hands! The surprised witness will explain it for you: "I was shocked at how relaxed and open Zac was with this guy. He walked around talking to him, smiling and holding his hand right in front of everyone, including Vanessa. People were wondering if maybe it was a stunt to make Vanessa jealous. But truthfully, Zac really seemed into the guy. It was bizarre."

Yeah, yeah, yeah... We're living in a time where babies learn how to take undetected cell phone video of a ho before they learn how to talk, so where is the proof? I'm going to tell the Enquirer what I tell every bitch on Craigslist who brags that they've got a mushroom head 8-incher: show me the pictures, bitch!

(Thanks to Mark for sending this mess in)

The "again" in that title is hurtful to all the sauna sluts who have continually made John Travolta's hog sweat over the years. TV Guide better issue a retraction and apology ASAP!