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As Ryan Phillippe says "til premature ejaculation does us part" to a random fuck piece he met this afternoon and Jake Gyllenhaal silently weeping into the wedding dream book he made with Reese Witherspoon, she handcuffed herself to her 40-year-old agent boyfriend of over a year, Jim Toth, at her fancy ranch on Ojai, CA today. Is her chin making his head look HUGE or has the bong smoke given me fun house mirror vision again? Developing....

One of the white doves from Reese's wedding must be a speed racer, because it delivered all the details to UsWeekly in record time. Seriously, they got everything down to what he walked down the aisle to. That white dove don't play.

Wearing a custom-designed Monique Lhuillier gown, the actress, 35, exchanged vows with CAA agent Toth, 40, in front of 120 family members and friends (including Renee Zellweger, Alyssa Milano, Robert Downey Jr., Salma Hayek and Tobey Maguire) in the front courtyard of the Ojai house.

Witherspoon's best friend, Heather Rosenfield, served as matron of honor, and her kids with ex-husband Ryan Phillippe -- daughter Ava, 11, and son Deacon, 7 -- took part in the ceremony. The Oscar winner's young nieces served as flower girls.

The "Tennessee Waltz" was the processional music for Toth and the kids, while Witherspoon walked down the aisle to "Here Comes the Bride." The 20-minute ceremony was officiated by Reverend Jimmy Bartz, founder of Thad's church in Santa Monica, where the couple have been attending weekly Sunday services. The duo exchanged wedding bands designed by jeweler William Goldberg.

Congrats to Reese and Jim, and a pre-congrats for all the giant headed babies they're obviously going to have together. I would say that I'm going to celebrate this shit by watching Freeway and Fear for the millionth time while eating a wedding sheet cake from Sam's Club with a veil on my head, but I pretty much do that every Saturday night. I was going to do it anyway, so don't think your ass is special, Reese!

Ricky Martin summoned the cop-loving spirit of George Michael, the leather-loving spirit of a butch biker dyke, the glitter-spreading spirit of Glamberace and the hair spirit of a hipster cockatoo who likes Willow Smith ironically at the opening night of his Musica + Alma + Sexo tour in San Juan, Puerto Rico last night. Ricky is making up for lost time and crotch thrusting the sparkles out like a Glittery Gay of YouTube virgin. HE BANGS is more like it. Get your GAY out, Ricky! Go ass out WILD (but try not to go too wild with the clippers anymore).

The following things have visited my inbox in the past 24 hours: sperm jeans, The Breast Milk Baby Doll, Abercrombie & Fitch's padded bikini top for little girls and Jenna Rose's new music video for "O.M.G." (stands for Oh My GodcallCPSrightfuckingnow). I'm sensing an uncomfortable theme here. If you send me an email in the future, make sure to write "P.S. - Hi, FBI! Say hi to the wife and kids for me!" at the end, because they're totally watching now.

Little 12-year-old (TWELVE YEARS OLD!!!!) Jenna Rose already became a bona fide supertween sensation with her first single "My Jeans" and she's grown up really fast since we saw her a hot second ago. Jenna is dressed like Noah Cyrus' answer to the Victoria's Secret Angels and poppin' it with her friends like they're in the final audition for PedoBear's dance troupe. This "have a seat over there" mess almost makes me miss the musical stylings and wholesomeness of Rebecca Black.

This is how the world REALLY ends.

via ONTD

Michael Lohan, seen here with runner-up for Miss Downriver Trash 2010 Bombshell McGee, is making a sad face over White Oprah's claims that their daughters Lindsay and Ali are going to take a Magic Eraser to their last names. White Oprah violently humped on delusion when she said that Lindsay is a one name star like Beyonce and no longer needs the Lohan name. White Oprah also said that she's going to start using her maiden name Sullivan, because the name "Lohan" is TAINTED! Notice how White Oprah is taking zero responsibility for helping to cover the Lohan name with seven layers of fuckery and coke saliva. Anyway, this was a direct swift kick to the swollen asshole on Michael's soul and so of course he let out his feelings to his therapists at the New York Daily News.

"It's a real shame Dina would make up this kind of story.

From the time she came out to California, she's tried to put a wedge between Lindsay and me. Every time she comes around, she tries to put a wedge, and it's only harmful to Lindsay and the children. This family needs therapy."

I'm proud of the Lohan name. It's a name of integrity. We all had very successful jobs on Wall Street. My father was an unbelievable provider. My sisters are pillars of the community. There's not a blemish in my family outside of me."

Well, when the blemish is a cutaneous abscess that has fully infected every letter of the name, I'd say that's a pretty big blemish. You know, the Lohans should start fresh and all change their last names together. It will be a major family bonding experience. Since most of us use the phrase "is the fucking worst" to describe the Lohans, they can use that! Lindsay Isthefuckingworst. Has a nice ring to it. She can say it's Austrian. Fancy!

Drew Barrymore and her latest boyfriend, whosenameyoudontneedtolearnsinceshellhaveanewonenextweek, gave everybody at the Lakers game a tongue and grope show in L.A. last night. Drew has this thing where she looks like she's in for real love with every dude she's dating at the time. Look at her eyes burping out pink hearts in the picture above. Drew is looking at her dude like he's a giant unicorn man who has an eternally hard 8.5" dick that cums fluffy kittens and whose anus is the keyhole to heaven. SO IN LOVE.

It's sickening. I just want to catch the flu and then sneeze right into their kissing mouths. This dude knows what I'm talking about.

Bret Michaels' European imported weave was nearly scalped from his head two years ago when a set backdrop welcomed him to Broadway by smashing down on top of him during a Tony Awards performance. After all the groupie genital warts he's nibbled on, all the booze he's inhaled and all the pressure he's put on his skull from suffocating it with a bandanna, a set piece at the damn Tony Awards is what took him out! It was the HAHAHAHAHA heard around the country until we learned that it left him with a broken nose and cut lip. Although, some of you evil cunts kept HAHAHAHAing after that (I'm looking at you, Ina Garten!).

Six months after his ego and wounds healed, Bret suffered a major brain hemorrhage that almost put him in a Rock of Death Coffin. Now Bret is blaming the Tony Awards for this and is suing the sequins off of them! When Bret is done with them, the Tony Awards will be so broke that they'll have to hold next year's ceremony in the middle of a shuttered Off-Track Betting on Broadway and 43rd (that sounds kind of hot, actually). TMZ has the details:

In his suit, Michaels claims, "One of the most common causes of this type of hemorrhage is head trauma -- exactly like the one Michaels suffered at the hands of the Tony Awards."

"Through his sheer will to live, to see his children grow up, [he] was able to survive this trauma."

Bret says producers have "failed and refused" to remedy the situation ... and even blamed him for the mishap at the Tony Awards, claiming he "missed his mark."

Michaels is suing for unspecified damages. A rep for the Tonys had no comment.

"Suffered at the hands of the Tony Awards" sounds like the gayest snuff film ever and I love that it came from Bret. The suit goes on to allege that the producers failed to show Bret how to exit the stage correctly. Lord. This melodramatic workers comp mess needs to be turned into a Broadway musical. While I understand that Bret went through some serious shit, blaming the Tonys is ridiculous. Think of all the injuries the Rock of Love hos suffered when they opened their eyes too fast while kissing Bret. Do you see them suing?! They should, actually.

The grits and gravy tray in every buffet line in Las Vegas boiled over last night when their queen sashayed onto the stage at the Palms Casino and set Chester Cheetah's taint on fire by performing three songs from her new album "Femme Fatale." While surrounded by dancers who were dressed like the bathroom attendants of German S&M club, Brit Brit mouthed this shit out of "Hold It Against Me," "Til the World Ends," and "Big Fat Bass" (which was inspired by one of KFed's farts) while waving her arms like an air traffic controller at the end of his shift. Get it, Brit! Pop that leash right out of Daddy Spears' hand!

There's a bunch of short clips from Brit Brit's Vegas ho down, but here's just one. The whole thing airs on MTV on April 3rd or some shit.

Brit Brit could come out on stage, sit on a plastic crate and lick crusty Cheese Wiz off of a white spork and her hos would still freak out like they've been finger banged by Jesus. And since she's got brake light titties, I don't have any shade to throw at this time.

Cynthia, the busted down, wonk-eyed, crack whore, balding amputee doll that is Angelica's best friend/partner in fuckery/confidante on Rugrats. This Hot Slut request comes from Dlisted reader Claire who described Cynthia like this:

I am advocating for Cynthia, Angelica Pickle's (of Rugrats) low rent
Barbie Doll, for Hot Slut of the Day. Her hair is a hot mess, she has
a dream car and a dream condo, and she got to spend all her time with
Angelica. What's not hot and slutty about that?

If a color blind stay-at-home mom circa 1989 self medicated her bizarre burgundy lipstick obsession by injecting liquid meth into her eyeballs, she might look just like Cynthia! Let this be a warning to all of you who inject liquid meth into your eyeballs. It will leave your eyes looking like a luded-up Garfield who has been trying to fart for the past 2 weeks. It will also cause major hair loss and damage, which will make you look like you've got four lasagna noodles sticking out of your head. More importantly, if you don't pay your liquid meth eye drop bills, your dealer will sic his buck-toothed rat on your left foot. Don't let this happen to you! Well, unless you want to look like Ke$ha's future. If that's the case, LET this happen to you!

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