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Today was the day Lindsay Lohan had to decide whether or not she's going to take a plea deal in the joree snatching case, and TMZ says that she has slid over an F U nail decal to the prosecution's side of the table. Basically, LiLo has turned it down and will try her luck at a trial instead. Did you hear that, White Oprah? Or is a barback's tongue in your ear again? Grab a baby and squeeze his tears into a jar, because LiLo is going to need plenty when she WAH WAH WAHs on the stand. It's a good thing she already stretched out her tear ducts from hiding all those 8-balls in there.

If LiLo took the plea deal, she would've ended up with at least 19 days in jail and 3 years added to her probation. So she told her lawyer that she believes her true innocence will set her free. The first hearing is scheduled for April 22nd and Judge Stephanie Sautner has been assigned the case.

If Judge Stephanie decides LiLo totally fucked up her probation, she goes to jail. If Judge Stephanie decides LiLo meant to snatch that necklace, she goes to prison. If Judge Stephanie decides she didn't do either, then LiLo goes free. LiLo thinks the surveillance footage and the fact that the jewelry store sold the tape to the media for a quick dollar will convince the judge to stamp a NOT GUILTY on her forehead.

Oh, please. LiLo is saying she wants to go to trial because she thinks she's innocent, but we know the real reason. This ho just wants to see her long-grain titties on the front of the New York Post every morning! Bitch is laying out her ho shit court clothes right now and can't wait to strut it in front of the cameras every day. LiLo can't even get an invite to a HoJo's Oscar party so this is her Oscars and she's going to milk it like a thirsty baby.

And if LiLo's dumb ass gets sentenced to prison, then she can make the time go by fast by forcing her top bunk cell mate to sing this lullaby before bed every night:

Yes, I stretched that non-joke just so I could post this masterpeepiece. It had to be seen and it can't be unseen.

via Videogum

Which crooner likes to fly prostitutes over to join him in hotel rooms in romantic places like Paris, then asks them to dance for him while he watches in silence? (Page Six)

Clay Aiken, duh! Just because he barks for dick doesn't mean he can't appreciate a good show! Nobody can clap an ass like an American hooker so he has to import. But I'm going to guess Michael Buble, because the words "Josh Groban" and "silence" aren't friends.

Here’s a nugget of gossip for all you celeb lovers (and Upper East Siders): After showing up for a photo shoot hungover and stinking like booze, this young actor puked all over the on-set bathroom — and left the mess for the stylists to clean up. XOXO! (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

Chuck Bass did it?

We have a D List Actor with addiction problems that has a new obsession. He met a beautiful, young C List television actress at a recent red carpet event and maybe spoke two words to her. He was somehow able to obtain her personal information from a friend. He’s now showed up at her house several times, sent her email after email, sent naked pics of himself via text and might have even followed her car once or twice. She initially thought she could deal with him herself but now she is considering getting the police involved. (Buzzfoto)

A drunk skeezer who has the time to stalk and doesn't care if his peen pictures get leaked on the Internet? All signs point to Andy Dick.

This celebrity couple will be renewing their vows this year. Awww. Sweet, right? Actually, it’s just a last-ditch attempt to save their floundering marriage. It’s a mess for many reasons, not the least of which is a history of infidelity.

This happens more often than you think. Whenever you hear about a couple renewing their vows, it’s often because they’re trying to patch things up or gloss things over. In the case of this couple, we’re betting on a separation within six months of the vows being renewed. Why? Because the leopard is still cheating, and we doubt that they will change their spots. (Blind Gossip)

The leopard? That's something to put your magnifying glass over. Do leopard and cougars live in the same enclosure, because if they do then I'll say it's Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher?

If there was a Museum of Side-Eyes, the stone cold one Baby Ali is throwing would be its Mona Lisa.

via Jezebel

Tommy Girl is so not going to be happy when he finds out that Katie Holmes borrowed his favorite big boy pants without asking! - Lainey Gossip

Russell Brand is fertilizing plants instead of one-night tricks - The Superficial

The Michael Douglas and Matt Damon kiss we've all been waiting for is almost here - Towleroad

Aaaaand here's Loni Anderson's crotch (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Jessica Biel's trying to wash the Timberlake douche nectar from her skin with Gerard Butler's natural grease - Celebitchy

Elizabeth Taylor outlived her obit writer - TDW

Amanda Seyfried pooting on a Viggo Mortensen lookalike - Hollywood Tuna

Roid's answer to Justin Bieber bares his bottom for Ellen - Just Jared

Should it concern me that the outfit JLove is wearing is just like the outfit I wore last night (but I wore hot purple wedge flip flops with mine)? - Popoholic

Abbie Cornish in InStyle - The Berry

The Italian Prime Minister's orgy is lacking in peen - NYC Barstool Sports

And hopefully in the next few days, California passes a law stating that all bitches with the name "Michael Lohan" who are convicted of domestic violence are automatically wished into the cornfield for eternity - ICYDK

Kate Moss' mom shows her daughter how it's done - Popsugar

Sophie Monk "jokes" that she's Angelina-ing her brother - Hollywood Rag

Glee, take note! - Cityrag

An absolutely fasi-fuckin-ating look inside the Church of Brangelina (blessed with sarcasm) - I'm Not Obsessed

Ashley Greene is holding auditions, I see - Moe Jackson

Remember when Fox kept showing previews of the "Maggie's First Word" moment and billed it as the biggest television event since the premature finale of 2000 Malibu Road? It was a big deal. And Elizabeth Taylor did the honors by cooing out the word "daddy" for Maggie. Others have voiced Maggie since, but Elizabeth was the first. So Maggie should honor the memory of Elizabeth by taking a vow of silence FOREVER!

Life & Style's Scene Queens want us to believe the following:

1. Hugh Hefner's 24-year-old fiancee Crystal Harris actually gets creamy in the panties from the touch of a man whose burps don't smell like butterscotch pudding and who doesn't wear pajamas to dinner.
2. Unlike most of us, Crystal does not have a recurring nightmare where she finds herself married to one of Dr. Phil's spawn and is therefore forced to look at his punchable doofus face at the holidays.
3. Crystal knows the combination to the locked anklet leash Hef puts on her before they go to bed every afternoon.

Sources say that Crystal didn't seem to mind that Jordan McGraw dresses like the lead singer of a Christian rock group when she got close to him at the Chateau Marmont on March 14th. The source added that Crystal kept her engagement ring on the entire time and didn't really care who saw them together. The source goes on, "They've been sneaking around because Crystal is supposed to be happily engaged to Hef, and going out in public with Jordan would tarnish Hef and Crystal's relationship image."

Crystal is apparently trying to become some kind of recording artist and met Jordan through the Organica record label. Jordan produced a few tracks for Crystal before producing semen on her weave tracks (it had to be blogged).

Crystal is supposed to marry Hef on June 18th.

Hef has said before that he's allowed to stick his Viagra-sponsored dick into as many tricks as he wants, but his girlfriends can't do the same. But it's possible that in his older age, he's realized that sometimes a pill and a penis pump can't fulfill the needs of his girlfriends. So maybe he's given his blessing for Crystal to pass the poon. Who knows! The only thing I do know, however, is that Holly is laughing/crying her implants out while wearing the Playboy bunny bridal gown she was supposed to wear at her wedding with Hef.

By day, Spaz de la Huerta is breaking the will of mere mortals with her drunk tank beauty, and by night she's breaking glasses and punching hos in the face! TMZ reports that the beer-stained wild weed that grows between the Boardwalk floor boards was FRAMED in NYC on Sunday night. Yes, FRAMED! Some former reality star named Samantha Swerta claimed Spaz threw a glass at her before hitting her in the face.

Hook that Samantha chick up to a lie detector, because I refuse to believe any of this! Spaz is a refined lady of class! Spaz didn't throw a glass. That was the crystal teardrop from an angel who shed it after he caught an up-close glimpse of Spaz's gorgeous face in his telescope. And nobody punched Samantha! The wind just knocked her out when Spaz flipped her hair. RE-TRIAL!!!!

Okay, okay, I'm completely Spazmatized, so here's the real story from TMZ:

Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ, it all went down at The Standard hotel -- after Paz and Samantha got into it over Samantha's male friend ... we're told Paz was hitting on him and Sam got defensive.

According to sources, Samantha made a few snide remarks about Paz's level of inebriation ... and Paz got PISSED, throwing a glass and punching Samantha in the face.

We're told pieces of the glass became lodged in Samantha's leg, and Lindsay Lohan -- who was there with Samantha -- helped pick out the bloody shards ... while Paz was escorted out by security.

Samantha filed a police report this morning with her attorney Stephanie Ovadia. So far, no charges have been filed.

Wait. Lindsay Lohan was at a hotel bar?! A bar where they serve booze? STRING HER UP! WHAT'S THE NUMBER TO 911! STICK A BREATHALYZER IN HER MOUTH! CITIZEN'S ARREST! THROW HER IN THE CLINK! RE-TRIAL!

Yes, that's me trying to take the attention off of Spaz's drunk douchebag ways. I'm so the White Oprah to her Lindsay.

13-year-old Rebecca Black, the pop culture superstar sensation who is about to receive a restraining order from Friday, made her late-night talk show debut on Leno! Rebecca charmed Bradley Cooper, said she's donating the profits from her single to charity and told Jay that she didn't have to audition for Ark Music Factory. Well, Rebecca didn't have to audition, but a personal check her mom cut did. And guess what? It passed! Thank the auto-tune gods for that, because if it didn't we'd never get to see her perform "Fried Eggs" last night. I use the term "perform" as loosely as I use my bong.

This feels like something you might see if you walked down into the basement and caught your sister singing karaoke to an audience made up of her favorite stuffed animals. But Rebecca seems like a sweet girl and she is pretty good at mouthing lyrics into a mic. She's ALMOST as talented as Our Lady of Cheetos. Brit Brit better hold her weave, because Rebecca is coming to snatch it right off!

The NYPD will not investigate Chris Brown's Hulk Smash at Good Morning America yesterday, because ABC has not filed a report and sources say they don't plan on doing so either. Chris, whose head looks like a 10-day-old pimple on Dennis Rodman's ass, could've cut a bitch walking by when he smashed a dressing room window with a chair after Robin Roberts kept asking him questions about Rihanna (which his people approved). But ABC is going to play nice by not pressing charges. No word yet if Marvel is planning to sue Chris Brown for infringing on their copyright by giving the worst Hulk impersonation ever.

TMZ says that Chris should probably be beating ABC off with his best hand, because his probation would've been in jeopardy and he could've become a prison bitch if they decided to throw charges at his ass. The judge will not declare that Chris violated his probation unless New York goes after him and they won't.

GMA also announced that Chris Brown can come back anytime he wants. Huh? This crazy bitch murdered one of their windows and they'd still open their front door to him? Are they building a windowless padded dressing room just for him?! Are they going to keep a butt plug made of the Silver Surfer's board in him at all times? I don't understand. But you know who does understand? Chris' mom, Mom Breezy. She Tweeted this shortly after he Hulked out:

CHRIS I LOVE YOU!!!!!! CHRIS TEAMBREEZY LOVES YOU!!! CHRIS BUT GUESS WHAT? GOD LOVES YOU MORE!!! ALL UR FANS LOVE YOU!!!!
about 14 hours ago via web

I'm not going to get on Mom Breezy for abusing her CAPS LOCK key when her name is not Kanye West. I'm assuming that somebody threw a chair at her CAPS LOCK key and it got stuck.

Here's Chris smiling like he doesn't have a care in the world while playing basketball and hanging out with his girlfriend in NYC. You know, yesterday one of my friends said that with that blonde hair, Chris looks like a Pocky Stick. Ruined my damn day. Why did my friend have to bring deliciousness into this?

I tried to find a semi-new cat or PUPPY!!! video to soothe the sads you might be feeling over Dame Elizabeth's death, but I couldn't, so here's the next best thing: pictures of everyone's favorite mess Spaz de la Huerta struttin' through NYC yesterday. Oh, Spaz really knows how to cheer a bitch up by dressing like a Salvation Army street bin chewed her up and spit her out.

Spaz's face is saying "I drunk barfed my make-up off" and her body is saying "my clothes got drunk barfed on so I jacked a lady hobo's outfit," but she's still giving us THE LOOK! Don't act like you wouldn't put a dime in her cup!

And this is sort of like posting a PUPPY!!!! video since I'm pretty sure Spaz's jacket is made of German Shepherd fur. I'm really not helping.