Love is burning on the shopping cart grill in Billy Ray Cyrus' heart again, because his family is back to gnawing on charred possum legs in the backyard together! Just last month, Billy Ray's marriage to Tish was on its way to the barn to be put down and Miley Cyrus ignored his howls for attention, but everything is fixed now! Tish is chewing on the ends of Billy Ray's mullet when they spoon in the back of a pickup truck and he couldn't be happier. In a sit down with The View airing tomorrow, Billy Ray tells the hens that the divorce is off and Miley is talking to his ass again. From People:
"I've dropped the divorce. I want to put my family back together … Things are the best they've ever been. I feel like I got my Miley back. I feel like we're the daddy and daughter we were before Hannah Montana.
Hannah Montana didn't ruin my family. Fame did. Sometimes when you get in this ride, you feel like you're strapped to a rocket."
I bet it was really difficult for Billy Ray to say those words with the CHA-CHING sound booming in his head after every sentence. "I feel like I got my Miley back!" Cut to Miley's business manager stuffing a cashiers check into the coffee tin bank account under Billy Ray's floor board. "Hannah Montana didn't ruin my family!" Cut to Mickey Mouse dropping a wad of hundreds in Billy Ray's fanny pack.
I don't blame Billy Ray. He can buy a lot of taco party packs with that money.
Even battery acid couldn't rinse the film of YACK left on your eyes from seeing a decomposing sea turtle tongue wrestle with a turnpike hag, but these pictures of Ewan McGregor bike riding with a puppy in his basket might help. They're adorable because: a) there's a puppy in his basket and b) he's dressed like he's about to break into an acoustic version of "Seize the Day!"
I just hope that street is free of pot holes and out-of-control cars. Yeah, I really know how to ruin a cute shit moment.
A few mornings ago, I took my dog for his usual start of the day walk through the world that is his toilet. We headed towards his usual spot about a block away from my apartment. The scent of that spot inspires his bowels to move, apparently. As soon as we got there he hunched over and started to do the weird poop waddle dance he does when he's about to bless the sidewalk. A quick second after he began his dance of the seven shits, I noticed a disemboweled pigeon lying on the sidewalk about a foot away from us. My dog noticed the dead pigeon at the same time, because he started bouncing toward it while sniffing like crazy. I tried to tug him away while throwing him the same disgusting look he gives me when I'm watching Jersey Shore, but he really wanted to get a nostril full and was on a mission. So I'm tugging, and he's tugging, shitting and sniffing at the same time. It was a horrific necrophilia/scat scene that I did not want to be a part.
But you know, I'd gladly live in that dark place forever if it meant that I could wash away the image of Michael Lohan sticking his tongue into the mouth of Kim G from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Shitting dog sniffing a dead pigeon >>>>> THIS PICTURE
And there's a glaring typo in that picture. It should read "appetite extinguisher."
The Rebecca Black Friday movie mash-up that the world did not need. Not even a bong over each ear can soothe the pain this song brings... - TDW
Megan Fox is taking time out from being the world's most prolific philosopher to star in the Knocked Up sequel - Lainey Gossip
Alexa Nikolas is a publicity mastermind, or something - The Superficial
What a Blue Man Group bukkake looks like (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
The cock of the Irish! - The Berry
Leonardo DiCaprio and Armie Hammer have touched tongues - Towleroad
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAH - Just Jared
Owen Wilson is a devoted father - Celebitchy
I already hate the new Charlie's Angels - Hollywood Tuna
For some strange reason, putting on a blonde wig makes Orlando Bloom look like James Franco - Popsugar
Abbie Cornish Game Hen in GQ - Popoholic
Glum cunt - ICYDK
Trump/Omarosa 2012 - Gawker
Jakes Shears' nalgas for the zero of you that haven't seen them yet - OMG Blog
Would you hit it? - Cityrag
For a dumb ho who is supposedly comfortable with her body, Kim Kardashian sure does talk about her body a lot - I'm Not Obsessed
Taryn Manning has come a long way since Crossroads - Hollywood Rag
Dear Bride of Whackenstein, save it for Wheelchair Jimmy - Crunk + Disorderly
And apparently when Aubrey O'Day switches on the manufactured fury her face morphs into a constipated Miley Cyrus. You learn something new. Outside of Katsuya in Hollywood last night, the former jewel of Diddy's harem got into a fight with the boyfriend of one of her "All About Aubrey" co-stars. To say that this is more choreographed than Tom Cruise's marriages is a damn understatement.
You can practically hear Aubrey's internal voice chanting, "1, 2, 3, yell! 5,6,7, push!" So real. So raw. So Meryl Streep-esque. The scene is so captivating that the woman in the back is picking the kobe beef bits out of her teefs while wondering if she should get a scoop of the Cotton Candy or a cup of the Baseball Nut (that name...) at Baskin-Robbins after this shit wraps.
If you're trying to stay hydrated for your night of green foam and shamcocks, you might want to put your tear duct plugs in to keep the drops of emotions from spilling out, because this will turn your insides into a quivering puddle.
While shooting the devastation in the Arahama area of Japan, a film crew's attention was caught by a dog who led them to his injured friend. The dog stood guard and protected his down-and-out dog friend until they were rescued and taken to a local shelter.
You know, I don't even mind that Disney is obviously going to turn this heartbreaking/heartwarming clip into a full-length 3D CGI musical movie starring the voices of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
via Metro (Thanks to those of you who sent this in)
The name "cuntwaffle" was used to describe Tony Hawk after it was reported that he dumped his third wife Lhoste for his the wife of his best friend Matt Goodman. But here's a little update, Matt really doesn't care that Tony Hawk might be licking on his old jizz residue when he's going down on his estranged wife Cathy. Matt thinks it's absolutely fine and so should you! Matt shrugged it off to Radar:
"I know people will think it is strange but I'm totally cool with it. I had split up with Cathy over a year ago and she started dating Tony about seven months ago. I have a new girlfriend now and I hope Tony, Cathy and Lhoste can all be happy. I texted Tony today and we are all trying our best to get along. Our kids are all friendly and we do not want a bad situation - people are making it a bigger deal than it is. I knew Tony was not happy with Lhoste and I hope he finds that (happiness) with Cathy - they have known each other a long time. He told me about the relationship although I suspected something before that. Life can be strange but I bear no grudges and just want to move on with my life now."
Matt deserves a gold star for having such a good attitude about all of this. Matt isn't going to seal Hawk the Cock's eye shut with a punch kiss and he's not going to cause a scene. Matt is bowing like a gentlemen and allowing his best friend to give it a try. Everybody, this is how an adult behaves! We've forgotten what it looks like.
In the future, when they're all having dinner together, Matt will fondly look at how happy his ex-wife is with his best friend and then he'll stroke the hand of his girlfriend next to him who will be blindfolded, covered with a burka and chained to his ankle....just in case.
We won't know if the tiny human in Alexis Knapp's womb has genes that will give he or she curly golden hair, a natural six-pack and a voice duller than a sloth's cum shot until he or she undergoes a Maury Povich special after slipping down the vagina slide. Sources close to Alexis say that she's pretty sure her unborn baby was made with Ryan Phillippe's sperm fishes. Ryan wants to take a DNA test before he starts writing Alexis a child support check every single month. But TMZ says that even though Ryan is still months away from seeing the receipts, he's still helping Alexis pay her bills while she's got her swole feet on the ottoman and can't work.
The deal was that Alexis would keep her lips closed to the media if Ryan impregnated her checking account with a bundle of cash every single week.
At first, the sight of Alexis Knapp made me want to take a damn nap, but I'm beginning to appreciate her gold digging style. There's plenty of women out there who work right until the baby's head is pushing them out of their desk chair. When their water breaks, they use that shit to wet the stamps on some business letters they have to send. And when they can't hold on anymore, they politely take a 15-minute break and pop that baby out in the bathroom before clocking back in with a few minutes to spare. But Alexis can't work. I know she's a model, but the JCPenney catalog does have a maternity section, thankyouverymuch.
With all that being said, if Ryan's dumb ass is paying, why work? If the baby isn't Ryan's and he asks for his money back, Alexis should just say, "What money?" and then distract him with a shiny object. Ryan's got the Herp Derps in a bad way so he'd fall for it.
And here's Ryan with his on-and-off fuck buddy Amanda Seyfried taking his dog for a walk in L.A. yesterday afternoon.
Michael Gough, who you probably know as Alfred Pennyworth in both of Tim Burton's Batman movies as well as those other two bat shit shows we won't talk about, has died at the age of 94.
Some fun facts I learned while reading Michael Gough's Wikipedia page is that he was married to Polly from Doctor Who once and was in a bunch of Burton movies including Sleepy Hollow, Alice in Wonderland and Corpse Bride. Before Michael raised his silver wing brows as Alfred in the Batman movies, he used his thespian skills in several episodes of Doctor Who and Out of Africa.
Rest in peace, Michael... You are now with the butler angels who are serving you martinis on a silver platter in heaven.
It is a sad day for contract writers, notaries, staples and Xerox machines, because yet another one of their fine works will not get a sequel. Just a day after Joe Jonas' "Don't call me Joe Gaynus (that's a two in one right there)" interview with Details turned all of us into Aunt Bunny for a minute, Page Six is saying that there will be no more staged photo-ops between him and Ashley Greene. In a hotel room somewhere, Joe Jonas is sitting on the edge of the bed and strumming out a song about how an expiration date broke his heart.
A source (aka Ashley Greene's publicist using the email address: firstname.lastname@example.org) tells Page Six that Joe and Ashley's completely authentic heterosexual love affair died like the feeling in his legs after wearing skinny jeans for more than 3 hours, because of their busy schedules. Ashley is off shooting Twatlight while Joe is working on his music in L.A.
Ted Casablanca at E! News also thinks that Ashley and Joe's
PR stunt relationship is null and void, because they were both spotted solo at the same club a week apart. One witness type says Joe made it clear that he's not with Ashley anymore by doing the Jonas mating dance with a bunch of girls, "He was very flirtatious all night, and if I were Ashley Greene I would not want my boyfriend acting like that towards a bunch of hoes. He had his hands all over this girl's ass saying he couldn't take his eyes off her when she danced."
Are we sure that Joe wasn't hitting on actual garden hoes, because that would make more sense.
Contract writers can lift their weepy faces off of their keyboards, because Ashley isn't the type of fame fucker who is going to let a little thing called "failed negotiations" get in the way of her finding a love affair built for the pages of UsWeekly. I'm sure Ashley has already asked (insert the name of some famous dude with gay rumors on his back) to meet her in the conference room. Wink. Wink.
And in case you're wondering what the Jonas mating dance looks like:
UPDATE: It's confirmed. True love doesn't exist. The world only knows heartbreak. Blah blah blah