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Are we sure those aren't armpit wigs? Sigh. Our princess is growing up so fast. The Zac Efron of yesterday was a delicate Twink who could balance a bubble on the tip of his eyelashes, and the Zac Efron of today is almost as built as one of Kellan Lutz's nipples. It's as if Cinderella got in Hercules' drawer of growth hormone supplements and testosterone boosters. Dude must be putting extra weights on the bottom of his bronzer sticks.

Australia's NW Magazine published a few pictures of Zac casually working the pole with his nipples out and flashing a new arm tattoo. When I squint my eyes to see what his tattoo is, I get off track and focus on his copper penny nipples instead. But since Zac is the epitome of butch, I'm guessing the tattoo is two swan feathers twirling in a unicorn's air kiss. That must be it.

This afternoon, Aflac Inc. gently laid their duck on the surgery table, put two tiny anesthesia masks over his nostrils, opened his bill and quickly clipped off the Gilbert Gottfried clinging on to his vocal cords. They immediately threw that Gilbert Gottfried into a dump truck heading for wherever.

Aflac announced today that they have dropped a BYE BITCH on on the voice of their mascot after he Tweeted a series of jokes about the disaster in Japan. The Hollywood Reporter says Aflac is donating $100 million to disaster relief and will hold a nationwide casting call for GG's replacement. Aflac had this to say in a statement:

“Gilbert’s recent comments about the crisis in Japan were lacking in humor and certainly do not represent the thoughts and feelings of anyone at Aflac. There is no place for anything but compassion and concern during these difficult times.”

It all started a couple of days ago when Gilbert climbed on top of the half broken plastic crate that is Twitter account and started throwing out jokes like: "I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now'" and "I fucked a girl in japan. She screamed "I feel the earth move and I'm getting wet." Alflac wasn't really laughing, because 75% of their business comes from Japan. Aaaaaaaaafuck!

You know, we've really come a long way as a society, because we don't even need to change out of our stained sweats or leave our houses to get fired. Just spew out some offensive fuckery on Twitter and wait by the mailbox for your final check to show up.

These two female celebrities are approximately the same age. Both have starred in multiple films, have been married more than once, and have more than one child. They also share the same religion and some significant business contacts.

You would think that with so much in common, they must get along, right? The truth is that these two absolutely can’t stand each other. They both have big egos and are desperate for attention. At a big post-Oscar party, they were each very careful to stay on their half of the room, each holding court with their fans and refusing to even look at each other. The tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife (though hopefully not the same one wielded by their respective plastic surgeons). (Blind Gossip)

As much as I'd like to believe that Kelly Preston and Kirstie Alley wrestle in the sauna of the Scientology Center while John Travolta cheers on his wife with pom poms made from shredded audit results, all signs point to Madge and Demi Moore. Both are red string wearers. Both have memorized lines and said them in front of a camera. And both have newly constructed faces made from womb skin.

Why can't they drop the shade and let the baby ass cheeks on their faces bond with each other during a playdate?

She’s long had a reputation for being absolute hell to work with. I mean like straight up crazy. Leaves her shit, sometimes literally, everywhere, specifies exact times when people can or cannot talk to her, is foaming at the mouth insane one minute, calm and collected the next. Lately her opportunities have dried up. And this is a good example of why.

Press junket. A handler has to make sure she wakes up in the morning. Because she’s not a proper adult? She finds her completely out of it. Has to put her in the shower and HOLD HER UP. Picture that please. A grown woman having to be physically SUPPORTED in the shower to make sure she can go and do her JOB. She then had to be spoon fed her breakfast. And she had to be dressed. Like, let’s put on your socks! Finally they get her to the point where she can be seen in public. A journalist is soon expected for an interview. Through it all she’s still a fucking zombie.

Soon as the reporter comes into the room though, a switch goes off. She’s alive. She’s engaging. She can speak in proper sentences. And you can imagine, for the people who’ve experienced this, who’ve had to work with her, who have to manage the unpredictability of this, how scary it must be, how utterly unsettling, even more unsettling than most of her peers. And in her business, that’s a pretty high standard. (Lainey Gossip)

I wish I had someone to hold me up in the shower, because standing up is hard! I usually find myself sitting on the bottom of the bath tub and cleaning out my in-between toe places before I get enough energy to stand back up again. I'm the body that lazy built. On that note, I'll go with new favorite Xtina? Or Sally Kirkland.

Multiple sources are confirming that a wildly popular character on an hour drama that has long been an Aushole staple is about to take his/her last breath.

I’m told the producers of this unnamed broadcast series are planning to kill off the fan favorite either in the season finale or soon after the show returns next season.

It’s not clear if the decision was made for creative or budgetary reasons — it was likely a combination of both — but it’s my understanding that it was not arrived at lightly. Far from it, in fact.

There’s also a chance the execs at the program in question will have a last-minute change of heart, but, according my spies, it’s an extremely slim one. (TV Line)

Please let it be Star Jones on Celebrity Apprentice. But it's probably that show I don't watch on that network my Tivo never touches.

I have love for Liv Tyler's side braid, but only because I see it as an homage to Dr. Kimberly Shaw - The Berry

Fishsticks Paltrow needs to eat 10lbs of ground STFU. She can eat it in a lettuce wrap if it makes her feel better - Lainey Gossip

Is Snooki sure her ass didn't snap off Vinnie's watermelon dick and hold on to it? - The Superficial

When the bullee fights back (side note: why do they all looks like they are trapped in 1985?) - Towleroad

Emmanuelle Chriqui or JWoww's slightly more attractive younger sister? - Hollywood Tuna

Dear Vanessa Hudgens, stop posing in front of your cell phone for one minute and use it to call Penthouse (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Charlie Sheen's live show sells it out in 18 minutes, which is also the average number of times an audience member will punch themselves in the face when the house lights go up - Celebitchy

Avril Lavigne got a neck tattoo. Unfortunately, it doesn't say: Stuck with stupid ↑ - Just Jared

The ironic thing is that her implants were probably made in China - TDW

Sandy Duncan is looking hot - Popoholic

Kellan Lutz's insane muscles make him look like he's wearing a shoulder puff sweater - Popsugar

Ryan Phillipe's daughter is anti-Bieber - ICYDK

Alyssa Milano needs to stop - I'm Not Obsessed

RiRi covers Vogue - OMG Blog

Splitting images of the stars - Cityrag

Elle Macpherson is wearing last night's shoes, right? - Hollywood Rag

Throw Tinsley Mortimer back into the Saks Fifth Avenue store room from which she came from and tell me more about her latest piece - Celebslam

Bryan Adams is going to be a dad - SOW

I really want to see Steve Harvey and his bodyguard 69 motorboat each other - Crunk + Disorderly

Daphne Guinness, the extraterrestrial fairy who is an heir to the Guinness fortune, had a conversation with her friend Camilla Long for The Times of London (via Styleite) and when the name "Posh" came up, poisonous venom started to secrete from the pores on the tip of her tongue. At least that's what The Times of London claims happened. Camilla quoted the Bride of Yeastenstein as saying this about Posh:

“[She is] an ugly pig! Downbeat, miserable and awful. Of course she’s going to make money – she’s backed by Simon Fuller. I don’t have anyone! She annoys the shit out of me.”

Once those booming fightin' words came foaming out of Daphne's mouth, the chandeliers shook and her human shell cracked in half before her natural alien form jumped out and galloped into the countryside to massacre Posh's kind in the pig pen. No, Daphne is now saying that Camilla pushed her words into the cunt grinder to make the article more scandalous. Daphne took to her Twitter to deny away:

I am so sad stitched up by the sunday times. I thought c. long was a friend. I would never call anyone an ugly cow, not my words

I feel like killing myself, I have been stabbed in the back by that journalist

the article was AWFUL, really inaccurate, I work so hard ang this is the kind of shoddy treatment you get. I am beyond hoffified

the journalist I knew from Issie, so i thought she would understand things, we had been friends, she has put words in my mouth

And for the record I not only admire Victoria Beckham but know her and like her. My point was that I do most things alone without a backer.

Damn. Daphne is one of those queens who clutches the velvet curtains (even when there's no velvet curtains to clutch) for steadiness whenever she feels faint, right? Talk about dramatic. Kill herself over this?! If I wanted to eat the suicide bullet every time I called Posh a "pig," I'd always be in my white negligee on the catwalk in West Bev's theater.

And here's the ho Daphne did NOT call a pig aimlessly wandering around the pen the other day.

At the Maryland vs. North Carolina State game the other night, the players and fans were temporarily blinded by the beam of ethereal light dancing off the curls of this beautiful man's hair. Hair as beautifully bright as that should come with a dimmer switch. And it should also come with speakers, because when its sparkles clink together it sounds just like the melody of Hello Dolly.

It's as if Joan Rivers asked her plastic surgeon to give her the face of Brooke Hogan and he mistakenly heard "Hulk Hogan" instead. Absolutely ravishing. Doesn't Grampunzel make you want to sell off all your prized possessions so that you can shower him with rhinestones, silk opera gloves and imported French perfume in a crystal atomizer? If I have just one wish today, it's to see this gorgeous man stepping out of a white Rolls Royce just once. Marilyn Monroe who?

via Deadspin

We're going to need to miniaturize Maury Povich and send him skipping up this woman's vagina to DNA test the baby in her womb to see if he or she was made with the seed of Sebastian Valmont. Because somebody close to model-actress Alexis Knapp is whispering into UsWeekly's ear that the father of her unborn baby might be Ryan Phillipe. I guess Alexis never got the memo that in these times we live in, the hos of Hollywood need to put Gary Busey stickers (a Buseycrow if you will) on their ovaries if they don't want to turn their chichis into Venti leche bags in 9 months.

Apparently, Ryan and Alexis bumped on each other's parts before he got with Amanda Seyfried and shit got serious. The source explains, "She's in the second trimester. Ryan doesn't know if he is the dad. If he is, he will take full responsibility for the child. He and Alexis were actually together for a while...It was pretty serious. If this kid is his. He will do the right thing."

If Ryan IS THE FATHER, this will make him a third time DILF.

If Ryan's personality was a breakfast food, it would be a Styrofoam bowl of oatmeal and cold tap water. That said, you know we'd all bounce on that shit so hard that the condom would come flying out of our mouths. But a condom would still be involved! What is wrong with these whores?! However, part of me can't blame Alexis since getting knocked up is how you get a blurb in People these days. And the other part of me can't blame Alexis for anything she does because she's wearing a black headband usually seen on the member of a girl group circa 1991. Black fabric headband = free pass

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah might be making looks of toxic happiness like they've just read the words "open bar" on the invitation for a spray tan party, but on the inside they are fearing FOR THEIR LIVES!!!! No, they aren't filled uncertainty about their health and well-being because one of the paps yelled out loud that he's got a low battery and no back up. They are frozen with fear because the paparazzi nearly scared the Drano gel out of their lips. Right after landing their brooms on JFK's tarmac, LiLo Tweeted this melodramatic mess:

I love ny - but the paparazzi @ jfk just gave me an anxiety attack..... i was half asleep! they're such animals :( well- @ least im with my family in the end.... xo

Animals?! This coming from a womp womp ho who's got a goat's anus on her face. Bitch looks like she should be blowing out digested straw bits in the petting zoo.

But really, the Lohans need to stop with this game of make believe. We all know that White Oprah's got a GPS tracking device installed in one of her ass cheeks so that the paps can find her any minute of the day. Yes, now you know why White Oprah's farts sound like the OnStar lady gasping for breath.

Sometime between getting Double Doubles with Ashlee Simpon at In-N-Out on Saturday and getting Chalupas with Ashlee Simpson at Taco Bell on Sunday, Pete Wentz prematurely sent the Chia Cat on his head to the pet cemetery and posted a picture of the massacre on his blog.

Just when I was starting to get into Pete looking like he should be painting landscapes on PBS, he has to rock the Flowbee fantastic. Oh well, I guess have to adjust my emotions and now get used to the fact that Pete's new haircut makes me want to sit him on my freshly made bed with his thumb in his mouth. On a positive note, Pete graciously donated his locks to an organization that helps the pubically challenged.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to hang my laptop over the laundry line so the slobber bombs that dropped on my keyboard from typing "In-N-Out"can dry off.

Brit Brit Spears, her current piece Jason Trawick and her former piece KFed all gathered together on Saturday afternoon to cheer on SPF in a Little League game. Well, Brit Brit mainly showed up because she heard they were serving Rolling Cheese hot dog sandwiches on Hawaiian bread (note: she's got her eatin' leggings on). And KFed showed up, because he's coaching SPF's team. Even though Brit Brit sticks a wad of 100s in KFed's fupa side-cleavage every month so that he can buy more pairs of baggy capris from Land End's Chaz Bono line, it's still nice to see that they can come together for the Cheetolings.

You know who I wish would stop living together in harmony? Brit Brit's pickled feet and those horrific studded UGGs that traveled to this planet in a colonic tube shoved up hell's ass. Please tell me that KFed devoured one of those evil things after Brit dropped some nacho cheese on it.

It would make my Monday if I knew that one of those UGGs is keeping Bit Bit company at the bottom of KFed's stomach.