The bad news is that you've lost an hour you could've spent working on your invention for the world's first time-release booze capsule. But the good news is that there's more sunshine time in the afternoon, which means the people of Miami get to stare at this melting Popsicle of wax even longer!
It's The Real Housewives of NYC's own Kelly Bensimon (To every bitch who bet this was Bill Hader as Steven Tyler: hand over your coins) sunning her gently worn leather carcass in Miami! Even though Kelly's torso sort of looks like Voldemort with a clay mask on, her body is still making me scream, OH BOY!, OBERTO! So I can not and will not hate.
And in case you need something to wash your retinas with, I've also left you some pictures of the meaning of elegance, Shauna Sand, with her 90s Eurogay hustler boyfriend in Beverly Hills last night.
Some of you in Toronto might have been wondering why the stores were sold out of Crisco, every crane in the city was rented out, latex poisoning experts were put on standby and the Tug of War champion was flown in. It wasn't boys night at the pop-up Scientology Center. Janet Jackson's tour hit Toronto and that's pretty much what it takes to get her into that labia-crushing Tron suit.
The look on Janet's face accurately expresses how her crotch is feeling at that very moment. That shit looks like a camel toe with Morton's syndrome. Like a baby mole trapped inside of a plastic bag. Not only is Janet flattening her clit like a fettuccine noodle, but this is also fueling the old rumor that she's got bendy straws for ribs.
I bet Janet employs a full-time CPR technician who gets her coochie breathing again as soon as she gets off stage. Hmmm. Maybe that's the whole point. Janet might be a genius.
The original Survivor Richard Hatch is currently making the contestants of Celebrity Apprentice blow steam out of every orifice by acting like a bag of chapped assholes, and he'll soon be surrounded by a bunch of chapped assholes once again! Richard will become the bear of the block on Monday when he turns himself in for refusing to play nice with the IRS. This hairy mound of dumb already served three years in the chokey for not paying taxes on the $1 million he got from winning Survivor. Richard was released on the condition that he file his 2000 and 2001 taxes and start to make payments on the $2 million he owes the IRS. Richard didn't do any of this, so he's going back to jail for 9 months.
UsWeekly says that the judge also gave the thumbs up for the IRS to take 25 percent of his gross income for 26 months after he gets out of prison.
NBC says that the live Celebrity Apprentice finale will air on May 22nd with or without Richard. This obviously means that Donald Trump's parched hair puff shoots a dandruff bullet into Richard's heart at the end of an upcoming boardroom.
Either Richard must miss hearing criminals shout "Hatch the Snatch" through the prison yard or he really is a bear rug wrapped in stupid. When you owe that much money to the IRS, you either try to run run run like Wesley or you set up on of those lifetime payment plans that never end. You don't stay in the country while not paying. I swear, I need Sue Hawk to use one of her "snake and rat" analogies about this.
Cara, the 7-week-old marmoset who was stuffed into her owner's bra and smuggled into a courthouse in Amherst, Virginia. I've heard of gerbils in the ass, but monkeys in the titties?! A woman who wishes to remain nameless showed up to the courthouse to fill out some paperwork for a hearing in the Juvenile and Domestic Relations court and not one official noticed a little something extra in her chichis until she pointed it out to them. The woman (who is obviously crazier than a monkey in a floral dress) kept going on about how her daughter was with her. When the official asked the lady where her daughter was, Mama Monkey Mammaries pulled Cara out of her bra like nothing. There was Cara looking like an Olsen straight out of the womb. Even Michael Jackson never carried Bubbles in his bubbies (I think).
As layers upon layers of WTF covered the official's face, Cara's mom explain that her daughter is at that preemie age and so she has to take her everywhere. The official alerted the deputies, but Cara and her mother were not thrown out of the courthouse. They also didn't tell Cara that her Pamper panties were showing before they took this picture.
After the Tale of the Marmotitties went around the Internet and beyond, Cara's mother contacted the News & Advance in Virginia to explain herself. Mama Monkey Mammaries did not help her case:
Showing off the little marmoset monkey at her Amherst County home, she referred to Cara as “her daughter” and said she had found her on eBay. She went to Lexington to buy it and has the animal’s clothes –– diapers and dresses — specially made in West Virginia.
“We call our cats and dogs babies all the time,” said the woman, who is disabled and cares not only for her new baby, but also for three Chihuahuas, a Pomeranian, a crocodile gecko and a garter snake.
“She despises rap music –– it tickles me, she likes the oldies,” she said, feeding Cara marmoset formula.
Cara is only inches tall; she eventually will grow to a foot tall and weigh a pound.
“When you first get them, they’re just like a preemie,” she said. “She’s just like a baby, she’s starting to teethe. I mean, caring for them is just like caring for a human.”
Her new mom picked her up last month. Marmosets cost anywhere from $1,800 to $2,600, she said.
“They’re not a cheap pet.”
Cara caused quite a sensation in the courthouse when she moved her tiny head around and began gnawing on her dress.
One official asked why she had the monkey in her bra and quoted the woman as saying, “Well, would you leave your child at home? She has to be close to me.”
Because the natural place to put a teething baby monkey is in your bra. You know, because Cara would never mistake her mother's nipple for an overripe banana tip or an extra juicy raisin. A very special "Mah Babeh Swallowed My Nipple!" episode of Untold Stories of the ER is in this bitch's future. And yes, you would never leave your child at home. But you'd also never motorboat your child in public!
I really can't wait for Cara to get older and write a tell-all about this ridiculous mess called Mammary Dearest.
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