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As you ice your fist after punching this truly punchable portrait of Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel has hiked up her parts and hit the ho stroll because the bitch is single. UsWeekly has confirmed that Jessica Biel has returned Justin Timberlake's dick in a box for a final time. This is the opposite of surprising for two reasons: a) Justin Timberlake probably screeches like a hyena on helium singing in falsetto when he cums and a bitch can only take so much of that. b) Justin Timberlake is most likely getting in Mila's Kunis. Anyway, here's the joint statement that Jessica and Justin released together:

"Addressing the media speculation regarding Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake’s relationship, we are confirming that they mutually have decided to part ways. The two remain friends and continue to hold the highest level of love and respect for each other."

Hopefully, this means that Justin Timberlake will slip on his Canadian tuxedo and woo Brit Brit Spears back. They're love is written in the stars on the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland. And I really hope that the Jessica Biel "lesbian" rumors go to the next level. Seriously, Jessica Biel and Michelle Rodriguez desperately need to get together in a totally non-lesbian way since they are both non-lesbians. They'd scissor until their pussy bones popped out of their sockets. Yup, MRod so needs to be Jessica's rebound.

Over at E! News they have a picture of Ashlee Simpson engaging in some light public displays of affection with a dude who goes by the name of Craig Owens. Craig is in a band called D.R.U.G.S and just so happens to be one of Pete Wenz's best friends. Yes, Pete just didn't double over because his neck couldn't take the weight of his new fro. Just when Pete was getting over getting stabbed in the ass by Ashlee's chin, he just got stabbed again by Craig's shank! Now Pete has a real reason to be extra angsty during shows.

A source tells UsWeekly that Pete is the one who helped Craig put together the band D.R.U.G.S and can't believe this is how he's being repaid! The source kept laying it on thick, "Pete did a lot for this guy. Craig was in another band and got kicked out. Pete found Craig, built a band around him and signed him. He's shocked at how this guy is repaying him."

But a different source says that Pete doesn't need to take a can of spray paint to Craig's skateboard and write "SK8WHORE" on it, because Ashlee is just spending time with him. This source says that Craig is comforting Ashlee and helping her through this difficult time. Yeah, we all know how that goes.

One minute you're crying on their shoulders, the next minute you're using your tears as lube to ride that shit and fuck the hurt away. Comforting, my ass. I mean, comforting Asheel's ass. But isn't it funny that just as Pete let his fro bloom, Ashlee dropped him and picked up a dude who has a mop that is almost identical to hers? Narcissist and FRO HATER!

If you write something about this very famous actress that she thinks makes her look bad, she’ll just skip her publicist and phone you directly. If you don’t pick up the phone, she’ll start drunk-dialing everyone at your company until she finds someone at whom she can yell. Then she’ll tell you exactly what your replacement story should be (e.g., “Instead of ‘Actress and Celebrity Break Up’, you’d better do a story titled ‘Actress and Celebrity…Totally In Love!’ “). If you don’t do what she says, she will scream, cry, and swear until you do. She may be all cute and giggly on screen, but she’s a controlling psycho in real life. (Blind Gossip)

The only thing I've got is Reese Witherspoon channeling her more rage-y version of Tracy Flick? And if this blind item is a ploy to try to get me to like Reese Witherspoon a little bit more, it's working. You know I have a soft spot for melodramatic bitchy and bossy whiners.

This C List television actress supports the Girl Scouts in her area by buying boxes of their delicious cookies every year. This year, after her breakup, she spent the weekend binging and purging on them until she was too tired to do anything else but sleep. Friends found her the next morning surrounded by empty boxes of thin mints and empty vodka bottles. (BuzzFoto)

The answer is YOU every weekend!

Several years ago, Celeb 1 was the star of a TV show. Although she never worked with Celeb 2, Celeb 2 publicly said some nasty things about her (complete with animal sounds).

The years passed. The two are now working together on the same TV show. Unfortunately, Celeb 1 never forgot those nasty comments, and is still holding a grudge. It’s creating quite a bit of tension on the set. Celeb 1 avoids talking or interacting with Celeb 2, and refuses to be photographed with her unless it is a cast photo. What is Celeb 2 doing about this? Well, she isn’t quite done talking. Celeb 2 is planning to unload a whole new barrage of mean girl gossip about Celeb 1 in the near future about Celeb 1′s questionable business dealings. (Blind Gossip)

Celeb 1 is Kirstie Alley? Celeb 2 is Wendy Williams? The TV show is Dancing with the Has-Beens? The animal sound made was that of a pussy cow?

Nothing says "future restraining order recipient" like tattooing a shrine to Julia Roberts' face on your body - TDW

David Beckham working the weeping Cullen cut - Lainey Gossip

This is some "art imitating life" shit - The Superficial

Is Gemma Massey like the Aubrey O'Day of the UK (but with zero singing abilities)? - Hollywood Tuna

Amanda Seyfried and Ryan Phillipe are still fuck buddies (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Dave Franco and Chris Mintz in a "You're So Hot" duel - Towleroad

Xtina in the making - The Berry

Good news for single death eaters, Ashley Olsen is free again - Celebitchy

Spider-Man should take a page out of The Producers book and just make it a Nazi-themed musical - Just Jared

This dude is smooth - Popoholic

The movie that convinced Mickey Rourke that Megan Fox is the greatest actress of her generation is going straight to DVD - Hollywood Rag

Charlie Sheen's pick for his replacement is not getting picked - ICYDK

Meanwhile, is Ke$ha really wearing a fanny pack? - I'm Not Obsessed

Nuts for soccer - Cityrag

At first I thought Halle Berry channeled all her rage into doing ab crunches - Moe Jackson

Stunt Queens: Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz are - Popsugar

While Justin Bieber's publicist squirts out an orgasm over all the "Not Since The Beatles..." headlines this is going to get, dozens of Beliebers flooded the streets of Liverpool with panty pudding after finding out that the world's most famous singing toddler was inside. Liverpool police were forced to close down roads and bring in officers to control the crowd. The police have instructed The Lesbeaver to stay inside out of fear that if the mob of crazy girls see him, they'll start a riot. Ugh. A riot over a baby?! Who the fuck do those girls think they are? Angelina Jolie? Move along. Damn.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Bieber is coincidentally staying in the Beatles-themed Hard Day's Night Hotel. The hotel manager also down played the hysteria and said that everything's going to be fine.

“It’s very good natured. People who have reservations in the restaurant are still coming in and people are drinking in the bars. It’s just a bit louder than usual,” he said. There have been no reports of injuries. There are about a thousand fans there.

"The police are managing the situation but people can still get in and out, there’s no sense of threat. I feel a bit sorry for the people around the hotel, but for the majority of girls outside, they are having a great time. He’s easiest the biggest star we have had here for years.”

The Bieber/Beatles comparison are ridiculous, because they only thing they have in common is that they both can be accused of committing forehead suffocation.

Wait, are we sure that shit didn't get lost in translation and the girls actually think that Justine Bateman is inside the hotel? Because that would make more sense.

Charlie Sheen is giving his best "U MAD" face in the picture above when he's really the one who is mad tho. Charlie ain't got shit to do, so of course he's wasting everyone's time by suing Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre and Warner Bros. for not paying him for the 8 episodes they scrapped. Charlie thinks he's a regular Norma Rae, because he's also raising his fist for the cast and crew by including them in the lawsuit.

Charlie's lawyer, Marty Singer, claims in the lawsuit that Chuck Lorre is a manipulator and master liar. Marty claims that Chuck fired Charlie while he was sick and that's a violation of federal laws. The lawsuit also states that Chuck made the decision to chop all 8 episodes long before it was announced. Chuck is apparently tired of Charlie and Two and a Half Men, and wants to move on to other projects. The lawsuit goes on:

"Chuck Lorre, one of the richest men in television who is worth hundreds of millions of dollars, believes himself to be so wealthy and powerful that he can unilaterally decide to take money away from the dedicated cast and crew of the popular television series, 'Two and a Half Men,' in order to serve his own ego and self-interest, and make the star of the Series the scapegoat for Lorre's own conduct."

The $100 million covers loss of wages for Charlie and the crew as well as punitive damages. Apparently, Warner Bros. and Chuck Lorre already paid the crew for the 8 canceled episodes.

How long before Marty Singer dives off the back of Charlie's speeding crazy train and he's forced to represent himself in court? THE WARLOCK OBJECTS, your honor! Charlie showing up to court in a samurai kimono and a hand full of random papers seems like the next natural step in this never-ending mess.

With that being said, we should all hope that Charlie wins because then you can cite this case when your boss fires you for smoking crack in the bathroom. "You can't fire me! I'm sick! Check the Warlock vs. Troll case of 2011!"

via TMZ

In continuing Dlisted's theme of featuring hard bitch battles in high-end gourmet establishments, I present to you a full-out drag queen brawl that cracked taco shells and spoiled refried beans at La Fuente Mexican Food in San Diego, CA. Drag queens fighting over tacos!!!! There's a metaphor in there somewhere, but I'm not about to go in.

But seriously, the news says that these queens tussled with their tucks out after they started arguing about who had the better body. Lesson learned. Don't ever tell a San Diego drag queen you've got a better body than she does, because wigs will fly, dick-tucking panties will rip and everyone will hit the floor together (you know they choreographed that move). This is what backstage at a Destiny's Child reunion would look like.

If Vh1 ever asked themselves the question: "Do we really need another Charm School hosted by RuPaul?" Let this video be their answer.

(Thanks to everyone that sent this in)

Mitchie Likes Sausage is an awesome name for a Joni Mitchell cover band that only plays meatarian events, it's also what Michelle Rodriguez said at the premiere of Battle L.A. when talking about those lesbian rumors that won't quit. Michelle does this all the fucking time. She has to let us know that even though she looks like she could lick a pussy until her tongue turns into a raisin, the only thing she's slapping her strap-on against is man ass. Got it. That's our cue to change MRod's order from "tuna" to "sausage" before changing it back to "tuna" again a hot second later. Don't put your pen away, because we'll be doing this again next year.

Above is the live feed of Lindsay Lohan's latest appearance in court for you to enjoy while you stroke the necklace you stole from Claire's. LiLo was supposed to show up at 8:30PST, but she was over thirty minutes late. At least that's what the court and reporters said. But little do they know that today is Delusional Ho Savings Time, so technically LiLo is right on time! Ask the farmers and dealers if you don't believe me.

UPDATE: Judge Keith Schwartz didn't slap the smug out of LiLo's lips for being nearly 40 minutes late to her own hearing. All he did was set the preliminary hearing for April 22nd and assign the case to another judge. If LiLo doesn't accept a plea (which includes serving time in the clink) for allegedly stealing that necklace by March 25th, she must show up on April 22nd and fart out the words "guilty" or "not guilty." At that time, the judge will also decide if she violated her probation or not. Judge Keith also referred to TMZ and Radar as the CIA, because he has no idea how they keep getting information about the case. If TMZ is the CIA, then I guess that makes White Oprah a regular Valerie Fucking Plame.

Since the only thing you really care about (but not really) is what kind of ho shit uniform LiLo wore to court today, here she is celebrating International Pancake Day a day late by flashing her suffocating chichis. This is probably my favorite look yet, because she sort of resembles a condom-wrapped uncircumcised peen with a straw mop on top.

Kelly Preston's arm nearly went out to Charlie Sheen after he almost shot it off, and now she's sending him her heart. Before Kelly became John Travolta's main wig fluffer, she was engaged to Charlie for about a year. Their relationship ended with a bullet going into her arm during a mysterious gun accident. Charlie has proclaimed that the warlocks and the "church of the Martian idiot" are fighting on opposite sides of the octagon, but the Thetan holding that information must've left Kelly's being because she has nothing but love for Charlie.

At the opening of Kirstie Alley's Organic Liaison weight loss center last night, Kelly told People Magazine, "My heart just goes out to him, and all of his family. We were together for a year, and he wasn't drinking, and he wasn't doing drugs. And there's a beautiful person in there. He really is a great man. I think there's a way back for anyone. I always have hope, and my prayers are with him."

The disciples of L.Ro are better than me, because I wouldn't have any sympathy for a bastard almost left me with one fappin' hand. The only wish I'd send him is that a King Cobra sniffs out his tiger blood and tries to bite his arm off. On the other hand, by "prayers," Kelly Preston might mean "an alien voodoo chant of revenge." So her smile could have venom dripping off of it.

Here's Kelly with some of her fellow auditheads (Nancy Cartwright & Lois and Buzz Aldrin) and Maks at the opening of Kirstie's weight-loss center. Yes, Kirstie opening a weight-loss center is like Charlie opening up a mental health facility. I bet Organic Liaisons is like the opposite of that Jessica Seinfeld cookbook. Instead of hiding broccoli in brownies, they hide brownies in broccoli. That way everybody thinks you're eating healthy, when you're really getting your fill of the real good shit.