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Here's Charlie Sheen in the picture he posted for his third Tweet on his brand new verified Twitter account. Yes, Charlie wants to spread his maniacal warlock sermons of crazy on all mediums, so of course he's burning the Twitter Bird's b-hole with his fire breathing fists. But one ho who is no longer going to feel the heat from Charlie's fists (...that...image...I...know) is his ex-wife Brooke Mueller.

It was just a hot second ago when Brooke was on a private plane to the Bahamas with Charlie, but today she took out a restraining order against him. Brooke has jumped over the wall of the octagon and has taken her stolen shrimp fork elsewhere. TMZ says that Brooke claims Charlie made several threats against her and she's afraid he's going to relive the magic and love of Christmas by pulling a knife on her throat. Charlie must now direct his mercury surfboard to stay at least 100 yards away from Brooke. When asked about the restraining order, Duh McWinning shrugged and said, "Great. I was already planning on staying 100 parsecs away from her."

Radar is also reporting that Charlie is trying to get full custody of their twin boys, because he doesn't think Brooke is fit enough to care for their kids. At this point those kids would be better off being raised by actual trolls with alley cat blood whose fists breath cigarette ash and who only know how to say the word "LOSING!"

From Charlie peering over that mess of a craft project poster like a cracked out Wilson to the news that he wants full custody of his boys, I just can't process anymore. So I'm just going to slowly back away from this for the day and go and use a free porn site password someone gave me. Free porn site password that works = WINNING!

(And thanks to everybody who sent me the Charlie Sheen quote generator. It's not the same if it doesn't come out of the mouth of a shaky turtle warlock)

The LAPD didn't release Xtina's mug shot because they didn't charge her with anything, but those sneaky hos at E! News captured her beauty portrait on an officer's report and what a sad, sad mess it is. Poor trashed ho looks like an albino Snooki that was just fished out of the jacuzzi after almost drowning from trying to give head underwater. It's like a morning shift hooker's mug shot after getting caught in a raid. But I'm going to put all the blame on the evil officers for this one.

How can they click their camera without letting Xtina decorate her face like a clown's ass?! They could've let the bitch put her beauty on with a red Sharpie, crumbled pieces of a Butterfinger from the vending machine and generic petroleum jelly. Look at Snookitinas' nose. It's getting all swole up, because its pores hasn't eaten lead-laced bronzer in the past 3 hours. ABUSE!

Anyway, below is Xtina's boyfriend Matthew Rutler throwing a smirk and then leaving the station after getting charged with DUI. That is definitely a smirk that says: "My sugar bitch is going to pay my bail so whatever."

On this old Star Magazine cover of Stepford Katie looking like she just got a glimpse Tommy Girl's volcano-shaped butt plug in the dishwasher before breakfast, they declare that she's a junked out drug addict who is injecting barley stew between her toes. Well, actually they don't really say any of that. The inside story speculates that Katie might be getting higher than John Travolta's in-the-air ass during an orgy from Scientology audits. One source says they got addicted to auditing and it made them feel like a heroin addict. So Star never comes out and says that Katie is an audithead, they only speculate it. It's sort of like the time I bit into a Twinkie only to find that it had no cream in it. The factory fucked up. It's a true story that still affects me whenever I'm about to put my teeth on one of Hostess' peen cakes.

Katie filed a $50 million lawsuit today against American Media, the company that owns Star, for defaming her good name and alleging on their cover that she has a substance abuse problem. Katie's lawyer issued this statement to Reuters:

"Star Magazine's malicious claims about Katie are untrue, unethical and unlawful. Not only do they cruelly defame Katie, they play a cheap trick on the public, making ridiculously false claims on the cover unsupported by anything inside.

Someone should bring a class action to get all buyers their money back."

Katie's lawyer said that Star refused to take their story back and apologize. American Media on the other hand, says they are ready for a fight and can't wait to hear what Katie has to say in court about Scientology audits.

As we all raise our fists and scream, "US TOO!" Seriously, I hope they sell tickets to that trial and hand out bags of popped barley in the lobby. But we all know it's not going to come to that. Let's not be glib. Tommy Girl will leak Star a picture of John Travolta without his crotch merkin on in exchange for a settlement and a "we're so sorry" blurb that will be published on the back page with the crossword puzzle.

And the only drug Katie Holmes is on is a drug called Tommy Girl (copyright: Warlock Tiger Blood).

Here's a few pictures of Katie and Suri doing stuff in Vancouver yesterday. I'm temporarily ignoring those UGGS because I'm more traumatized by Suri's "I wish you into the volcano" stare.

UsWeekly has a source telling them that forever theater nerd Anne Hathaway and forever grouch stoner James Franco developed a newfound hate for each other while co-hosting the Oscars together. Anne smiled her four layers of teeth on the outside, but on the inside she wanted to cut off the 170lb stoned artist that she had to drag around on stage. Meanwhile, James Franco was permanently trapped in a cloud of green smoke and cared more about what the ingredients in Hot Fries are than hosting the Oscars with Anne. From UsWeekly:

A source tells Us Weekly that Anne Hathaway, 28, and James Franco grew to "hate each other" as they rehearsed to host the Oscars Feb. 27.

She had to provide all the energy -- he was just phoning it in," says a second insider. ("James seemed in his own little world," during the Oscar telecast, says another source. "Producers were pissed.") Franco, 32, skipped his own party at L.A.'s The Writer's Room. "He went immediately back to NYC because he was pissed about how the show went," adds a third source.

James Franco's rep says this whole thing is a lie and Anne's rep said the same thing.

Let's just say this is true.. I'm guessing that about 99% of the people who watched the Oscars developed a newfound hate for both Anne and James, so the two of them can get together in a corner of the cafeteria and bond over that. See, our HATE heals wounds and brings bitches together. Don't let anybody tell you that being a hateful cunt serves no purpose, because it really does! Love is in need of HATE today!

ScarJo and Sean Penn both played the "WE'RE JUST FRIENDS, OUR GENITALS DON'T TOUCH" card when the rumor about them bumping nipples under a sleeping bag in a tent in Haiti (or wherever) started to go around. But TMZ has concrete solid proof that ScarJo was crossing her chichis and Sean was crossing his peen lips when they said that, because they are lying! I mean, do friends put their feet on each other's laps while having lunch at a Cuban restaurant in L.A.?! Of course they don't (they do)!

I wouldn't be surprised if ScarJo is giving him a foot job and using her jam as lube. And with a RED (the official color of ho shit) napkin over her foot, nonetheless. FOOT SLUTS! I bet they partake in foot fuck orgies in the back of a podiatrist's office with Rex Ryan and his wife. Nasty bitches.

In possibly related news, the health department has just revoked that Cuban restaurant's A rating.

Pink wants you to know that she only looks like a prison block butchie - Pink's Twitter

And which mildly famous actress is Ryan Gosling "Hey Girl-ing" today? - Lainey Gossip

The cut on Chris Brown's lip is about as big as his balls - The Superficial

Did Men's Fitness use the bone lengthening Photoshop tool on the Texas T-Rex's arms? - Celebitchy

This boot was made for slurpin - Towleroad

Foxy Brown needs to upgrade her swap meet colored contacts already (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Candice Swanepoel dressed like a muscle bottom at a circuit party - Hollywood Tuna

Has that kitty been living in Brit Brit's weave the entire time? - Just Jared

A cock pot full of panty creamers - The Berry

David Silver introduces us to the fughawk - ICYDK

Vanessa Hudgens is drunk - Popoholic

It was nice of Beyonce to bring a homeless man to the Nets game - Popsugar

Paula Deen riding things - TDW

IN THIS ECONOMY, I've been forced to advertise ($5 = free) - OMG Blog

Dear Jessica Snoozeor, drop the sexyface and fix your hairline - Moe Jackson

Chuck Lorre is crazy. Too. - SOW

Selena Gomez is smart, knows that kids eat free at IHOP for their birthdays - I'm Not Obsessed

17 ways to make cake look not so delicious - Cityrag

Miami Beach is still feeling the lucite rays of beauty - Hollywood Rag

Chaka Khan's Stevie Nicks pantsuit is eating her damn neck - Crunk + Disorderly

Joan Collins usually exits a party on a velvet chaise carried by four shirtless pieces, but it was an entirely different scene at Vanity Fair's Oscar party on Sunday night. The most glamorous being who ever glamoured was led into an ambulance at about 10pm after she started to feel woozy. The same kind of wooziness she feels whenever she lays eyes on cut-off sweat shorts and scrunchie bracelets. You know Dominique Deveraux was suffocating her Alexis Carrington voodoo doll with a plastic bag.

Joan was taken to the hospital where she looked devastatingly gorgeous in a gold satin hospital gown (she carries one around at all times, just in case) while doctors ran tests on her. Joan explains to Page Six what made her wig almost float away into the night sky.

"We had been there for seven hours, and I started feeling dizzy. I tried to get some air, but I felt really faint. I wanted to leave in our limo, but Percy decided to call an ambulance. We went to the hospital, and they did all the tests before the doctors told me I was absolutely fine and released me.

The truth was, I made the wrong decision to wear a very tight dress, and had something rather like a Victorian swoon. The good news is, I am in good health and feel fine today."

Nobody ever said that being glamorous is easy and Joan knows this. Who cares if Joan's dress was so tight that her wig almost popped off. You crack a rib on the spot, hold your breath like a Simpson just farted, Spanx it up like Mimi and glue that wig to your head. You make the glamour happen because there's no other option! While unoriginal whack ass starlets are stumbling out of parties because they're too drunk, Joan is getting carried out by EMTs! Joan is redefining the dramatic stage left exit once again. That's a real fucking star for you!

Never mind that RPattz looks like an Amish Paul Hogan on the cover of April's Vanity Fair, I'm excited that he finally found a creature that gives a better FMLface than Kristen Stewart.

via ONTD

If you've got a recording device, Charlie Sheen's got the time. The long-lost crack child of Tony the Tiger and Julian Sands has been putting his crack-scratched vocal cords to work by giving interviews to Today (airing all week), Good Morning America (see previous) and 20/20 (airing Friday). Last night, Charlie sat down across from the British shell that covers Larry King's carcass. When Piers Morgan wasn't chupa-ing on Carlos' warlock anus, he was asking the usual questions (click here for the full interview). But thankfully, Charlie didn't give the usual answers.

How CBS hasn't re-titled Two and a Half Men to Two and a Half Crack Baggies and named Charlie Sheen as their head writer is beyond me. The magic beans that pour out of Charlie's mouth hole make you want to laugh, cry and punch yourself in the brain at the same time. Here's a few quotes from last night's talk with Piers. It's times like this that I miss Larry King (the original warlock), because Charlie would've spent the entire hour trying to seduce him over to the octagon with his Firestarter fists and shit.

And I'm presenting these quotes without context, because it's probably easier to understand that way:

"I have not. No, no. Women are not meant to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed."

"There was an incident years ago where everyone thought I hit her. I was trying to contain her. I had her arms and we both went down to the ground. Her initials are B.A., I'll give you that much. I don't want to make the whole thing about her. I felt terrible and delivered her to a plastic surgeon and everybody said I hit her and no.... I feel bad about that one. She was attacking me, though, with, like a, a small fork. Like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her, that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”

"It's been a tsunami of media and I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard."

"The reason it went bad is because I don't do pills. I don't take opiates, I don't do benzos or any of that psychotropic nonsense. I used to [take cocaine]. I've gotta be careful because that's like lawsuits and things that went on. Well, yeah. I'm not taking it. I had to pay for it. Well, um, I hadn't done any for a while, like 7 hours, but I had this hernia thing that was popping out."

"I won't take [pain pills], so I maybe hit the vodka a little too hard to reduce the pain."

"That was an old brain, I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That's how I describe myself."

"And then it was like, 'You must let me impose my will on your face.' And it was like, woah dude."

"I was joking about being underpaid but to come back for a 10th season... Eh, that's all negotiable. You can't talk about this stuff on television. I don't know. I was on crack. Where's Dr. Drew when you need him?"

How fucking damn irresponsible of Gnarly Sheen! How dare he?! The surgeon general has already warned us that Charlie's boogers are considered an illegal substance and a stimulant not unlike meth. Great. Lock down the grade schools before Parasite Hilton starts snorting on the nostrils of second graders. If 50% of 7-year-olds contract HVP warts in their nasal cavities, it's all Charlie's fault!

And here's a clip of Charlie and his goddesses:

I knew Bree Olson was THAT KIND! You know, that kind of shifty ho who always keeps her bomber jacket on indoors. They're always ready to steal your shrimp forks and run out of there. You can't trust a bitch who refuses to take off her bomber jacket. Although, if I was one of Charlie's goddesses, I'd keep my bomber jacket on too....even during hugging and caressing sessions.

By the way, I think we finally found a face that is too meth-ey for the Faces of Meth poster.

(Image source: AV Club via TDW)

Not to be outdone by Charlie Sheen's crazy train barreling through the media, Lindsay Lohan gave her own interview to Extra (which is fitting since bitch is the definition of EXTRa) that will air tonight and tomorrow night. But unlike Colonel Winning, LiLo gives amazingly boring answers that make complete sense. It's like LiLo's publicist threw her over their shoulder and burped out all of her delusions, which Charlie Sheen cut with dried tiger's blood and snorted up. It's okay, Charlie will gladly spit out enough delusional craziness for the both of them.

LiLo says that she's finally taking responsibility for her resume of fuck-ups and knows she has a lot to prove to producers and directors. When asked who she would like to work with in the future, LiLo gave the perfect answer: “That's something I will be able to say when I've taken the steps I need to take to prove that I can be insurable again. I think that will come in time, where I'll be in the position to even say that because I don't think I am right now. I don't think that will be fair to just say 'Oh, this is who I want to work with' and except that to happen. No, I have to build my way back up."

Yes, I'm sure a publicist whose first name is COMMON and whose last name is FUCKING-SENSE cooed those words into LiLo's earpiece, but at least she said it....even if this "talk" can still be found in the clearance section of a Dollar Tree. It also doesn't mean that a judge shouldn't drop her flat freckled ass in a prison cell. Hey, but now the casting director (aka warden) for the prison theater production of Freeway might give her the role of Mesquita.