Archives

James Franco continues to turn the art and cinema worlds upside down and on their faces (not really) with the avant garde creativity that pours out of his orifices and here's a still from another project that I'm sure historians will discuss at great length for years to come! James Franco Tweeted (Franco has since put his Twitter in a coffin) this picture from his short movie with Harmony Korine of him pushing out an "eh...whatever" while a group of nekkid ass nekkid bloodettes jump him in their gang, or something. You probably need a masters in art to understand this shit, so I'm not even going to try. If you want to see James Franco unimpressed by silver dollar pancake nipples, (NSFW) click here for the full shit.

Franco should've given us this kind of mess during the Oscars. It would've perked things up in more ways than one. Speaking of the Oscars, James talked to David Letterman in a show airing tomorrow about how both of them bombed harder than Jessica Simpson's ass after a Mexican buffet as Oscar hosts. Letterman admitted that he sucked and James responded with:

"They didn't say you were stoned. People said I was under the influence."

I love her (Anne Hathaway), but ... I think the Tasmanian Devil would look stoned standing next to Anne Hathaway. haven't watched it back. Maybe I had low energy. I honestly played those lines as well as I could."

I never dreamed of being, like, the best Oscar host ever. It was never on my list of things to do. It doesn’t mean I didn't care and it doesn't mean I didn't try, right?"

When you throw a "but" after "I love you," that's not love!

You know, if James wasn't stoned as hell, he should just say he was as stoned as all hell so that we don't think his suckiness was natural. When all else fails, blame it on the bong! I'm just going to choose to believe he was smoking the good shit out of a hallowed Oscar statue backstage. James should've given Anne a hit too.

Here's the performance artist and worst Oscar host ever struttin' through the airport in DC today.

And Courteney Cox is still not sucking her last name on Josh Hopkins. Okay, so we need to stop asking. Ever since Courteney and her Cougar Town co-star Josh Hopkins were photographed sunning their shit in St. Barts, everybody figured they were spending their nights exfoliating their genitals with each other's crotch sand. But Courteney's rep says this is not the case, and they're her daughter and a giant group of fweeeeeends. So no, Courteney is not looking at his peen in the picture above and wishing that she could use it to go snorkeling. And David Arquette does not need to get on the next flight to St. Barts so that he can drunkenly barge onto the beach (you can do that you know, barge onto the beach) to punch Josh in the dick.

Or maybe he does, because shit is slow and we need some action (being selfish is a hell of a fucking drug).

Which drug-addled son (of a late TV star mother and a former hunk father) is about to become a daddy? He isn’t married and definitely wasn’t planning on getting his gal pregnant. He is running through his inheritance so fast that his family fears he won’t have anything left for the baby. (Blind Gossip)

My first thought is, Redmond O'Neal is already out of the chokey? My second thought is, I'm sure his baby will inherit all of Farrah's genes and come out of the womb with a pair luxurious hair wings attached to his/her head which will make him/her millions of dollars in beauty contracts. Hopefully, Redmond doesn't use that money to buy smack.

This D List bleach blond celebrity recently visited a spiritualist that told her that she is the spirit of Marilyn Monroe reincarnated. She was also promised that her career would blossom into something bigger than Ms. Monroe’s if the D Lister would visit the Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery where Marilyn is interned at least once a month for a year. The D Lister has already visited twice. (BuzzFoto)

Lindsay Lohan? Mischa Barton? Aubrey O'Day? Brooke Hogan? Chris Brown?

Which C list celebrity who just starred in a commercial overseas made so many racial slurs during the taping of the bit that the manager waived their fee out of embarrassment? (BuzzFoto)

Parasite Hilton (who is a giant diseased slur herself)?

Lindsay Lohan proves she's the definition of soberness by falling down outside of a NYC bar at 2:30 in the morning. Or maybe she's licking tiny drops of booze off the sidewalk? Or maybe she's praying to the Jack Daniels gods to push booze out of the sidewalk cracks for her? - Lainey Gossip

Jenna Jameson knows how to dress - Hollywood Tuna

Christina Hendricks must believe that the higher the chichis, the closer to... I lost my train of thought, because damn those chichis are high - The Superficial

Is Jennifer Love Hewitt wearing Gunny Sacks?! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

"ALAN HALE 4 PREZ!!!" - Lindsay Lohan - Towleroad

Elizabeth Banks is a mom - Celebitchy

But a more important question is: how is this blink-challenged lady not a cast member on one of the Real Housewives? - TDW

Michael Buble got married - Just Jared

Bindi Irwin can sing! - The Berry

Maddox is really hoping that Angie Jo and Brad don't come back from Utah with any souvenirs. And by "souvenirs," I mean a Mormon orphan - ICYDK

Dirty vagina? Rinse it with some John Mayer! - Popsugar

Rachel Bilson is...um..there - Popoholic

Betty White, you bi-sexual slut, you! - SOW

Be still my heart (the mad hatter raver, not Joe Jonas) - I'm Not Obsessed

Gisele Bundchen upstaged by wigs - Cityrag

Are we sure that's Snooki and not a kidney stone The Rock just passed? - Hollywood Rag

Milla Jovovich has nipples - Celebslam

(Image via Wireimage)

New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys got into a recording studio together and birthed out their new single called "Don't Turn Out The Lights." If you're too young or too old to orgasm out your 6th grade self who will run around the room freaking out about this, then you can at least memorize their new joint group name: NKOTBSB. That will definitely be the fourth line on your next eye exam test.

When your arms are a successful hiding place for your waist during a game of hide-and-seek, you know you're a serious kind of skinny.

Contrary to popular belief, I don't end my night by staring at Victoria's Secrets catalogs with light from an iPhone under my covers, so I'm not totally educated on the ins and outs of the body of Candice Swanepole (who's as skinny as a swanepole). But hasn't Candice always been so damn skinny that you could use her hip bones as a step stool to climb up a palm tree and grab a coconut which you'd crack open on one of her razor sharp elbows? (side note: Candice would be awesome on Survivor. She's like a human Swiss Army Knife!) Even though I'm pretty sure that Candice's thighs have never formally met, the likes of the Daily Mail are still crying out shit like: "Fears for Victoria's Secret model: Candice Swanepoel's shocking weight loss at swimwear photoshoot."

And of course there's a bunch of comments like: "EAT A CHEESEBURGER!", "HANG OUT WITH KIRSTIE ALLEY!", "GET HELP!!!", "HERE'S A PANDA EXPRESS GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR YOU TO USE!", "MOVE INTO A WAFFLE HOUSE FULL-TIME!!!", "ENSURE IS YOUR FRIEND!!!", etc... etc...

Some of them might have a point, but her metabolism was way too busy with shit to accept my calls so I don't know. But I do know that Candice would make an amazing friend. Imagine walking down the street with her skinny ass and hos start throwing cheeseburgers, Panda Express gift certificates, milkshakes and entire cookie aisles at her? Candice might not want that stuff, but don't mind if I DO!

Here's Candice with Adriana Lima and fellow stickthinian Alessandra Ambrosio at some Victoria's Secret event in L.A. yesterday.

Here's the video for Katy Perry's song "E.T." and it's pretty much what you would see if Wall-E, costumes from Bram Stroker's Dracula, a MAC wallpaper, a Close Encounters of the Third Kind poster, Kim Kardashian's face and horny monkeys had an slow motion orgy inside of a purple lava lamp sitting on a table at the Scientology Center. And, of course, there's Kanye West grabbing at his crotch in the middle of the universe, because he never misses an opportunity to dry fap in public.

The sweet nectar traveled through Kim Cattrall's body and awakened the grouchy cuntmeister inside of her when a reporter from Page Six and another reporter from The New York Daily News asked her questions she didn't like at the premiere of her movie Meet Monica Velour in NYC last night. YES! I love it when Kim gets drunk, brings out the bitch and unleashes it on unsuspecting victims.

First up is the NYDN who was on the receiving end of a snap and side-eye that even Dionne Warwick would hide from. Before speaking to Kim, the male reporter talked to her 21-year-old co-star Dustin Ingram. In the movie, Kim plays a former porn star turned stripper who becomes friends with a young boy living in her Indiana trailer park (so my kind of movie). Dustin told the NYDN reporter that in between takes, he'd talk about sex shit with Kim. The movie's director then cut in and said that Dustin got a boner during a make-out scene with Kim. Dustin denied it, but the movie's director said he knows a hard dick when he sees one. When the NYDN asked Kim about both of these stories, she denied away and then delivered a roundhouse verbal kick to the reporter's crotch bone: "You know, as a woman, I really find those questions offensive. As a woman, I find that really embarrassing [for you] to ask that."

In Kim's defense, she was in fucking Mannequin so she deserves everyone's respect and shouldn't be asked about boy boners unless one is sitting on her chin! Even then, you give it a quick glance before continuing to ask her respectful questions! The reporter from the NYDN learned his lesson and moved on. But Kim was really ready to get down and dirty in a cunt tussle when a female reporter from Page Six interviewed her next.

Kim pretty much spilled her martini and had a "You know what your problem is..." moment when Page Six brought up a tip they received earlier about how she got her coochie waxed. I'll let Page Six take it from here:

When we tried to break the ice with Cattrall, mentioning a ridiculous tip we'd gotten earlier in the day about her getting a bikini wax -- a well-tackled subject on "SATC" -- she snapped, "That's a stupid question. You're a smart girl. How could you want to write that?"

She then turned her anger on gossip columns, specifically Page Six, despite our being big fans of hers. "It'll chew you up and spit you out," she said, leaning in and adding that being a gossip reporter just isn't a "respectable job."

Cattrall asked, "Why don't you work at -- what's that news agency -- Roybers?" When we corrected her, "Reuters," she conceded, "Yeah, sorry, I've been drinking."

But she didn't stop there, ranting, "What about writing for a blog? Then you can write about what you want [or] care about."

Some prudes who don't appreciate art or nips might say that getting your tits out in front of a camera isn't a respectable job, so I don't know what Kim's problem is. IN THIS ECONOMY, any job that is not illegal (hookers and drug dealers don't count) is respectable! If someone asks you if you get your bikini waxed, just tell them to cut their tongue on your pussy stubble and then send them to fill up your DRANK. That's how you're supposed to handle a situation like that. I read it in Roybers.

While pushing that Kennedys miniseries on Ellen, Katie Holmes brought up the paparazzi picture of Suri Cruise holding a box of Penis Gummies at Serendipity in NYC. Most of figured that Suri was just being a mindful daughter by bringing her daddy something she always sees in his candy drawer. Stepford Katie says that she thought they were Swedish Fish at first and no she wasn't making a Britt Ekland vagina joke. No.

Katie also couldn't bring her lips to push out the word PENIS without spelling it letter by letter. Katie lets Suri wear high heels and takes her out at midnight, but yet she doesn't want her to hear the word PENIS?! But you know, Katie has a really good reason for that. She knows that if she says "penis" out loud, there's a really good chance the ground will shake, lube bottles will roll and Tommy Girl's Scientolohole will come galloping out and chopping at the bit. Katie is just playing it safe. And here's what she had to say about that box of Gummy Bear dicks (via HuffPo):

"Recently, I took her to get ice cream in New York at this place called Serendipity that we go to all the time. It's for kids. The clientele is children. We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.

They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it. She was holding the box and I was like ok, wow we don't need that right now. Because I thought if I said put that back and then she's going to say, what is this? And I really didn't want to have that conversation. I was like, why are selling these here? This is for kids. And then it was on the cover of a magazine that I'm giving her those gummies."

Did anybody ever think that maybe Katie had no idea what a P-E-N-I-S looks like? It's not like she runs into them all the time in her daily life. I bet one of her handlers had to pull her aside and give her "the talk" right there. It's an honest mistake.

Get your bomb shelter ready, because the secret ingredients in a missile powerful enough to shoot through the center of the earth might be put together by the satanists in Hollywood. The Los Angeles Times has it on good authority that the Bieb has hopped on his Big Wheel and is circling around a "buddy comedy" co-starring Ashton Kutcher. The Bieb and Ashton are not bringing out their true lesbian selves in a big-screen version of Cagney & Lacey (Hollywood is not THAT smart). This buddy comedy involves holograms not of the Jem! variety.

This soon-to-be soul killing mess is titled "What Would Kenny Do?" and is about a 17-year-old who meets a hologram claiming to be his 30-something year old self. The hologram helps the Bieber weave through the ups and downs of high school.

Millions of toddlers emptied their penny jars out to buy a ticket for the Bieber's Never Say Never documentary, so Sony believes he can carry a movie. And since The Lesbeaver and Ashton both have hair that will look better on Ellen Page, producers think they are perfect together.

Bieber and Ashton already have somewhat of a working relationship after they met to discuss the possibility of the former hosting an updated version of Punk'd.

Ashton + Bieber + Holograms = Do Not Want. Type that equation into any calculator and you'll get the same answer. I mean, was a newly christened douche bottle not available to play Ashton's younger self? The image of Justin Bieber and a Hologram Ashton Kutcher bonding in a high school gym locker room is most likely what Calvin Tran saw when he uttered the classic words: "Oh here go hell come."