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This award-winning actor has always led a double life. He married his beard, but it was never a real marriage. Just a business partnership. Then he got a new acting gig… and a new twink boyfriend… and a new beard. Poor wifey, right? Not at all. She knew what the deal was all along. Besides, she’s not exactly moping around her gilded cage of a house. She’s had a boyfriend in the wings the whole time. (Blind Gossip)

This blind item is wrapped in a cloud of e-smoke from Allison DuBois' mouth, so I'm guessing it's about Kesley and Camille Grammer? I've never really believed the gay rumors about Kelsey, but I do believe the rumors that Camille's always had a side piece hiding in the drawer where she keeps all the jars of melted candle wax she slathers on her gorgeous face every night. But who can blame her? Somebody has to breathe in her Club MTV moves while Kelsey is watching Fox News.

With her now busy schedule on that very very popular television show and him having lots of time alone to ponder how he likes being the bigger star, it was pretty inevitable that he would start stepping out on her. She might want to talk to that backup singer of his. Just saying. (CDAN)

JLo & Skeletor?

This comes as a shock to us, since we’ve heard info on this very conservative, mostly network Television actress before. Apparently, this actress claims to be extremely politically conservative in print and in interviews, but is really ambivalent about politics in real life. She only claims to hold her political beliefs to ‘stand out’ amongst the crowd in Hollywood. She gabbed to our source that she’s been so successful in network TV because ‘conservative idiots’ think she’s like-minded and watch her show because of it. (BuzzFoto)

It's probably Angie Harmon, but please please please let this be Victoria Jackson's crazy ass.

The stroll has been aching to hear the roar of Sienna Miller's bulldozer vag and wives have been sleeping a little too soundly lately, so it pleases me to learn that things between her on-and-off again piece Jude Law are set to off again. Don't bother declaring a CODE: LOCK UP YER HUZBANDZ, because Sienna can pick a lock with her clit and sniff out precious metal dust on a wedding finger from miles away.

A friend of Jude Law tells People that there wasn't any kind of scandal involved with their break-up and their relationship simply ran out of breath, stopped and walked over to the bleachers to take an indefinite nap. Jude's rep confirms that Sienna is no longer licking the skin triangles on his head.

Thank the homewrecking slut gods for this. Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes' homewrecking game is just pathetic and Blake Lively's acts of ho shit are laughable. It's like they're all still taking classes at a Montessori school and Sienna is teaching the MASTER CLASS at fucking Harvard. Seasoned Sienna is finally back and I'm sure she'll be better than ever once she squirts a little WD-40 on her rusty parts and gets things going again. I really can't wait to see which dude will star in the next episode of Sienna's Extreme Makeover: Homewrecker Edition. Move that bus!

Mimi Imfurst pulled some Mount Fuji moves on RuPaul's Drag Race last night. Mimi should really audition for GLOW - Jezebel

Sorry, Dimitri the Lover, Canada's got a new Lothario charming the chonies off of women - Lainey Gossip

Olivia Wilde is no longer an Italian princess - The Superficial

Rainbow Brite has really fallen on hard times - Hollywood Tuna

What Kirstie Alley's bucket list looks like - The Berry

Kathie Lee's still got it! And by it, I mean drunk ho moves (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Keith Olbermann found a new home - Towleroad

I blame New York Times best-selling author Snooki for this - Celebitchy

Katy Perry's Elle magazine cover looks like it was cut and pasted together with old Elmer's and safety scissors - Popholic

Can someone please send me the instructions on how I give birth to one of these - TDW

Obviously, Suri Cruise got a cut from kneeing Tommy Girl - Popsugar

What a gentlemanly robbery - Gawker TV

Lindsay Lohan will be back in her third home, the court room, tomorrow afternoon - ICYDK

Why did I think that was Mindy Cohn with Stepford Katie? - Just Jared

Nicole Kidman finds an object with a forehead harder than hers - Cityrag

Tom Green still exists - I'm Not Obsessed

The beauty having an eye seizure behind Parasite Hilton is stealing this shot - Hollywood Rag

Anna Wintour has shown her allegiance to the Death Eaters by refusing to put wannabe Slytherin Posh Beckham on the cover of Vogue, but she might be breaking the promise she wrote in muggle blood. DUN DUN DUN. Next to birthing a girl and cinching her stomach until she gets full on oxygen bubbles, Posh has always wanted to be on the cover of American Vogue. There was a rumor that Posh got the Jaws of Life to pull out her titty sacks so that Anna Wintour could see her erect chest bones, get a hard-on and put her on the cover! No avail. But Posh might've found her in.

Star Magazine (via DS via Jezebel) is saying that Posh has offered to pose with nothing but a bump on for the cover of Vogue. Anna is tapping her claw against the desk and petting her cat while thinking about this. A source type tells Star, "It's not a very Vogue thing to do, but the team can make it work and make it 'fashion'. Anna's apparently really keen on it. Everyone's expecting it to fly off the shelves. Victoria's a huge style icon. Although nothing's been officially signed yet, Victoria would want to be sure she's the sexiest pregnant woman to ever grace a magazine cover. It will be a huge boost to her career from a fashion point of view."

DON'T DO IT, POSH! You know how some think a camera takes a little bit of your soul? Well, the cover of American Vogue steals all of your soul and more! Why do you think Anna always wears glasses? It's because the souls of her victims are trying to claw their way out of her retinas. This will not end well. As soon as Posh's baby comes out via c-section and the plastic surgeon starts to waltz in to do her latest tummy tuck, Anna Wintour will appear and snatch her baby as payment for the Vogue cover. Does Posh want this? Actually, the ho probably doesn't care as long as she gets that damn Vogue cover.

Here's Posh and her whisper of a baby bump (not really) sashaying into Heathrow Airport this morning.

Not since Detective LaToya and Bubbles' reunion.... This touching slideshow of Betty White's special date with Koko doesn't have any sound, but that's so you can add your own background music. I chose "Kiss the Girl-illa," but feel free to go with the Sarah McLachlan song that instantly makes every animal look sad, lonely and on the verge of being sent to the glue factory.

And I'm really hoping Betty met with Koko to talk about teaming up for the long-awaited reimagining of Monkey Trouble.

via Videogum

Don't you just hate it when you're slurping on a cup of yogurt and all you taste is cum? Or is it, don't you just hate it when you're slurping on a dick and all you taste is yogurt? I get the two confused a lot. Well, the former is what happened to a woman in Albuquerque and I guess she's the type who screams "dontcumdontcumdontcum" when she feels her man's dick twitch during oral, because she spit that mess out and called the 911.

The Smoking Gun reports that the 28-year-old New Mexico woman was shopping in the cereal aisle at the Sunflower Farmers Market with her daughter when a store employee named Anthony Garcia kept pushing a yogurt sample on her. The woman put it in her mouth and instantly knew something in the milk was JIZZ! The woman's statement to the police is priceless: “I spit it out on the floor many times cuz I was upset. (The manager Catherine Flores) told me it was a Greek yoghurt. People love it, it has lot of protein on it.” That's a really a good cum-on line.

Anthony Garcia denied that he squirted his own fermented ball leche into the woman's sample. But when police tested the sample, the results came (I need to stop already) back positive for cum. A judge issued a warrant for DNA and blood samples from the perverted Dannon cum dumper to see if he has any diseases the woman should be worried about.

It's a good thing the woman knows her shit, I mean semen, because most people would've figured it was just goat milk yogurt and kept eating it. If Top Chef ever does a semen-based recipe challenge, they know who to get as their main judge.

This woman is my hero of the day, because she proves to all of us that we need to study cum closely. You never know when someone's going to cum in a cup and call it yogurt.

In other news, the police escorted both Paris Hilton and John Travolta out of Sunflower Farmers Market in Albuquerque after they refused to stop trolling around the cereal section.

ROJO was knocked up! ROJO had a boy! You can read the details at People while I go and try to switch myself with Rojo Jr. Wish me luck! I'll be back!

Okay, I'm back. The doorman didn't buy my Baby Rojito disguise of a Home Depot onesie, a Land's End diaper, a shaved Annie wig and ginger angel wings. But that will not stop me from celebrating the BABY NEWS OF THIS AND EVERY CENTURY! The lesbian stork slid down the orange part of the rainbow and delivered a healthy baby boy into golden womb of Rojo Caliente. Yes, Rojo was pregnant with the second coming of Rojo Caliente for 9-months and we never knew.

Most of us figured that the halo-like glow coming from her belly was just her Care Bear Stare power acting up again. And when I watched a glittery unicorn with a red mane fly over the city last night, I figured Clay Aiken just farted again. But no, the unicorn was welcoming our new beacon of ginge.

Cynthia Nixon's rep confirmed that Rojo gave birth to their first son together in NYC last night. Cynthia has a 14-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son with her ex-partner Danny Mozes. The rep didn't say who their son's biological father is, but they did say that Cynthia and Rojo have named him Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni.

Max Ellington! And his initials are MEN-M. Max already has a name for when he wants to start an Italian new wave music group. Congratulations to my favorite ginger (sorry PHG) and my favorite celebrity couple! I will be smearing my eyeballs with Vaseline and SPF in anticipation of seeing Baby MEN's first spread in the Home Depot newsletter.

Normally, you don't ever want to find yourself locked in the trunk of a car because it means one of the following things might happen to you: a) Stan is about to drive your ass into a lake or b) the trunk is going to open and you're going to find John Travolta in a Billy Ray Cyrus wig staring back at you. But this is an exception. Well, another exception is if the trunk contained an unlimited supply of Rocky Road candy bars and a TV that plays Central Park West on a loop. But this is an exception above the exception!

The Sun says that Chelsy Davy is once again trying to put out the flames on Prince Hot Ginge's crotch with her poon and they recently tried to be slick when they left a night club in London at 4 in the morning. They didn't want the paps to catch them together so they jumped in the trunk of a Jaguar. One witness who didn't pull out a camera phone because they were momentarily hypnotized by the seductive flame dancers shooting out of Prince Hot Ginge's head said this, "It was bizarre. The boot was popped open before the pair emerged. Neither seemed the worse the wear for drink when they climbed in and they acted as if it was the most normal thing."

How is this bizarre? Who wouldn't get into a trunk with Prince Hot Ginge. If PHG asked me to escort him into a closet full of CROCS, I'd take a holy water bath and follow his lead. If PHG asked me to wear a yarmulke and hold his hand as we stroll into a brunch co-hosted by Mel Gibson and Vanilla Gorilla, I'd say "Shalom!" and make it happen. I'd do whatever he asked. If he wants to be the jack and wants me to be the spare tire, into the trunk we go! It's a good thing I know how to make a lubed condom out of coolant, pages from a Thomas Guide (even cars in Britain have a stupid ass Thomas Guide in their trunks), and the rust on a flashlight battery. They don't call me the MacGyver of gay sex for nothing.

Any actress coming out with a movie this year who really wants an Oscar next year needs to pop their dream bubbles and work on another goal, because Meryl Streep's already got this. The production company behind The Iron Lady, the biopic on Margaret Thatcher, released this picture of Meryl in full on Thatcher drag. The movie, directed by Phyllida Lloyd and co-starring Jim Broadbent, is shooting in London right this second.

Meryl's crazy eyes are scaring me. Those eyes are telling me to pick up my stale bread and tin cup of river water and get out of her sight! POOF BE GONE eyes. They're perfect!

via Daily Mail

Aaaand we're back to wading through this mess of insanity and fuckery again. Several sources have already branded Gabriel Aubry as the winner of Miss Aryan Nation 2010 by saying he flips his white hood whenever somebody refers to his daughter Nahla as black. If these sources are telling the truth, then I guess Gabriel's inner David Duke is raging like all hell this morning, because Halle Berry believes that Nahla is black. In case you're not keeping track of what Nahla checks as race on the Census, she's technically 25% black and 75% white.

In the March issue of Essence magazine (via TMZ), Halle gives a subtle "fuck you" to the rumors that Gabriel thinks his daughter is white by saying that Nahla is black. Halle said, "I feel she's Black. I'm Black and I'm her mother, and I believe in the one-drop theory."

The definition of the one-drop theory from Wiki:

The one-drop rule was put into law in the twentieth century, for instance in Virginia under the Racial Integrity Act of 1924 (following the passage of similar laws in numerous other states). Despite the strictures of slavery, in the antebellum years free people could have up to one-eighth to one-quarter African ancestry (depending on the state) and be considered legally white.[2] Community acceptance, carrying out community responsibilities, and appearance were often the most important factors if a person's racial status were questioned.

We can argue about the "She's black! She's white!" mess all day long. There will always be people shouting that she's white. There will always be people shouting that she's black. There will always be people shouting that she's bi-racial. And there will always be people shouting that she's full lioness (include me in this group). Whatever. Being bi-racial myself, when people ask me what I am, I just tell them I'm 100% cunt slut. It keeps things simple.

Meanwhile, Gabriel and Halle need to go back to their padded room and scratch at each other about this issue some more. Make sure you blare "Black or White" through the speakers while they do that. Because if they keep fighting about this shit, Nahla is truly going to be full fucked up.