Millions of Milkshakes and John Travolta's Scientolohole aren't the only places for a ho to drop a load of cream in for a dollar. Carrot (Versatile) Top presented his new Carrot Top Sundae at the Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas last night. Part of the proceeds will be donated to Carrot Top's cousin Ronald McDonald and his house for children. I've got a strong stomach and no standards to speak of, but I wouldn't even sniff on Carrot Top's cup of sweet cream. That looks like it came from a place I don't want to know about.
It was probably made with roid pimples, the essence of Jackie Stallone, carrot skin pureed by a garbage disposal, bronzer crust, a clown's kidney stones, ginger pubes and old Collagen. One sip will have your butt cheeks begging to become one with a toilet seat. Just like what happens when you lick on Carrot Top himself! And yes even after that last sentence, I still would....the dude not the shake (see that part where I said I have no standards to speak of).
The douche nectar that flows through Shia LaBeouf's veins reaches a boiling point when mixed with booze and that's exactly what happened last night Mad Bulls Tavern in Sherman Oaks, CA. Oh, Shia is still that dick bag boyfriend you just know you're going to be pulling off of another asshole (and not in a sexy way) during a bar fight co-sponsored by the sweet nectar and potent testosterone.
Both Hollyscoop and TMZ say that Shia Saide LaBeouf was briefly put into handcuffs by the LAPD after he got into a bar brawl that was probably more exciting than the last Transformers movie. There's two sides to this mess of a story. Witnesses at the bar tell TMZ that Shia started acting the fool and got punched in the face by a dude who wasn't having it. But Shia's friends say that he was jumped while leaving the bar. Damn. Paying to see Indiana Jones 4 felt like a double punch to the wallet, but there's no need to return the favor. Or is there?
The police questioned every drunk bitch involved in the fight and later released Shia back into the wild.
Shia + booze + other people will always equal police sirens. Shia was busted a few years ago for DUI and he was also arrested for being an asshole outside of a Walgreens. Shia just needs to put down the bottle, pick up the bong and cool his ass. Or he needs to pay closer attention during fight training so he can actually get a punch in during all these bar fights. Where the hell was Harrison Ford when Shia really needed him?
Before a string of diamond tears on his head is pulled out during a brawl, Mah Boo Anderson Cooper is leaving Cairo and heading back into the bosom of America for comfort (In other news, I've changed my name to America). Mah Boo will return to NYC where the only threat he has to worry about is me coming at him with a slobbery hole (you decide which one). Actually, me coming at him with a slobbery hole is worse than an Egyptian coming at him with an angry fist.
Now that Mah Boo is almost safe and sound, we can now focus on who we're going to send to Egypt in Mah Boo's place. My vote goes to Miss Downriver Trash 2010 Jennifer Lyn Petkov or Teen Mom Amber because that bitch will punch back.
At Voyeur night club in West Hollywood on Thursday night, Zac Efron made out with a piece who wasn't Vanessa Hudgens or a tube of Sephora Sweet Candy lip gloss. Zac reportedly laid his precious lips on the face of Australian actress Teresa Palmer. And right after Zac made Teresa feel like Tinkerbell just queefed on her lips, he softly gave her some important advice: "The side rat's nest bun is not your friend."
E! News says that Teresa and Zac's date night started at Pink Taco (which is also what Zac's full-time anus bleacher calls his no-no) where the party for her movie Take Me Home Tonight was held. They went to Voyeur afterward and that's where Zac had Teresa in the palmer of his hand (Yeah, I'll stand still while you put the GONG over my head before smashing it. I deserve it for that one). A witness type says, "They were at a VIP table...They were dancing, standing up by the table and dancing. They all took tequila shots together. He was grabbing her butt and doing very suggestive dancing. Then they made out a couple of times standing up where they were dancing. I was surprised they were doing that in front of everyone. It was like they didn't care. They were there for like an hour and left together."
Teresa is a good match for Zac. Teresa used to eff around with Russell Brand so she has a lot of experience in trying not to look totally confused when she has a brain fart and forgets she's making out with a dude instead of a beautiful woman.
The pictures below of Kleptohan posing with Kanye West and Giuseppe Zanotti were taken at the latter's store opening in Beverly Hills last night. Yes, LiLo is at the opening of a store that sells expensive things and she's not flanked by two detection systems and dozens of Brink's most seasoned guards. Giuseppe Zanotti didn't even hire a TSA agent to frisk her for heels at the exit door. I guess SOMEBODY is cocky about their insurance coverage.
TMZ reports that there's a chance LiLo's future could include trying to achieve her signature Texas prom curls circa 1987 in prison using toilet paper rolls and commissary hairspray, because the D.A. will charge her with felony grand theft on Monday morning. They don't believe LiLo's story that the store in Venice loaned her a $2,500 necklace and she simply forget to return it. The store says LiLo's truth is as bloated as her pussy lips and she straight-up sashayed out of there without buying the necklace or filling out the proper paperwork to borrow it for a shoot.
These new charges will cause problems between LiLo and the judge in her probation case. TMZ also says that LiLo faces up to three years in state prison if she's convicted of snatching.
The most embarrassing thing about this isn't that LiLo has the thieving skills of Kelly Taylor, it's that she might go to prison for stealing a gutter necklace she could've made using barb wire and an old can of gold spray paint. Well, since she loves that piece of shit necklace so much, she can make a reproduction of it during prison craft time using.....barb wire and an old can of gold spray paint. But we all know this dumb bitch isn't going anywhere. This is Lindsay Lohan we're talking about. If anything, she'll probably get a check in the mail from the store after Nana Lohan's Collection Agency demands a publicity fee.
Posh can wipe that "God, I'm surrounded by so much dick" look off her face finally, because The Sun has whispered out the rumor that she will no longer be the only lady of the Beckham manor. Posh is apparently trying to find ways to inject Ephedra and laxatives directly into her placenta, because there's no way she's going to birth a daughter who can't fit into a size -2 Lagerfeld onesie! No baby of hers is going to wear Baby Spanx!
A source tells The Sun that during her 16-week ultrasound scan last month, Posh and Becks found out that she's carrying a girl, which they'll obviously name Little Gucci Dress Beckham. The source also terrorized my soul by shooting me with an OTM bullet made of cow shit, "David and Victoria are over the moon. This will be their last child and to be told they are having a girl is the icing on the cake for the Beckham clan."
That OTM bomb did not come from the mouth of a Beckham, so I will overlook that for now.
And there's a part of me that hopes the Beckham daughter turns out to be a butchie baby who has a natural smile plastered on her little face at all times and insists on only wearing toddler Timbs and Dockers. I'd love to see the look on Posh's scowlface when her new baby girl kicks away the custom-made 6-inch booties she bought her. It's a good thing air can hold Posh's skinny ass up so she won't bust her head when she faints.
By popular demand, these pair of indifferent brows! Just so we're clear, this trick's minus sign brows are getting all the recognition here and she's not getting any, because crime does not pay! Actually, crime can pay since there's some rich ass criminals out there. But they've got blood on their hands! Blood they wash under a platinum faucet in the master bathroom of their yacht docked in the Mediterranean, but it's still blood!
This lady criminal throwing you a "my brows could subtract that WTF look on your face so move along" mouth smirk is brought to us by the Museum of American Beauty that is The Smoking Gun.
Homegirl was asked to POSE FOR HER LIFE in front of the mug shot camera for violating her probation after getting arrested for pot possession (she was definitely on the good shit when she took a Sharpie or a DIY tattoo needle to her face), battery (for beating the original hairs out of her brow area) and retail fraud. Bitch looks like if Cleo from Set It Off starred in a Proactiv campaign catering to the Pokémon universe. And if bitch really wants to graduate to the next level of mathematics, she just has to paint a fat dot over and under those brows. Divide this, bitch!
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