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Here's the future mother of a future multiple Nobel Peace Prize winner just strolling in L.A. this afternoon. Since I've obviously got a PhD in baby bumps and pregnancy shit, I've already gone in to detail about how Natalie Portman is a serious kind of knocked up for only being around 4 months. But hos are still saying that they need to see the receipts, because they think Natalie is pulling some Phaedra Parks shit. Natalie is basically the size of Thumbelina's left nipple so ho would look pregnant if she swallowed a bubble.

When Natalie gives birth in the middle of a Walmart, we'll ask her new baby how long he or she was in there for because you know he or she is going to speak perfectly before their first fart. Although, Natalie's baby will probably only speak archaic Latin at first, so we should study up.

Take your privates off the empty dinner plate at Hugh Jackman's place at the table. I meant food. Although, if you dip it in a sauce made of a White Castle chocolate shake, a blended Triple Whopper from Burger King and a dollop of whipped Ensure, Hugh just might nibble on it.

Hugh is currently devouring almost 6,000 calories a day to bulk up for the next Wolverine movie directed by Darren Aronofsky. Darren practically forced Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis to only feed on their own breath and eye sleepies to get ballerina skinny for Black Swan, and now he's doing the opposite to Hugh. Hugh tells the L.A. Times (via SS):

"I’m on it right now, mate, already doing it. It’s 6,000 calories a day, it’s rough. Right now, I’m at 210. Yeah, right, I was 190, something like that. I don’t know how much I want to give away about it, but Darren said with the last one, ‘Hey you looked great, but you’re so tall that in those long shots you looked kind of like Clint Eastwood, and that’s not Wolverine.' He said that Wolverine, in the comics, is powerful, stocky, you know, he’s short and thick. So he said, ‘I want you to go there, get bigger.’"

6,000 calories a day? Pff, that ain't shit, said most of America. Hugh should come stay with me for a full week and I'll have him eating at least 60,000 calories a day. First of all, I eat as though my system is only powered by corn syrup and a bunch of shit I can't pronounce. Second of all, Hugh will constantly be stuffing his face because he'll never want his mouth to be free when I ask, "Can we make out?" Can we make out? In goes a monster burrito. Can we make out? In goes a whole jar of Fluff. Can we make out? There goes Hugh's mouth around my entire fridge.

Important journalist and important object of my wet dreams Anderson Cooper is currently covering the for real shit in Egypt, and yesterday they almost ruined the space blanket of American dreams hugging the top of his head. And today, this happens! They're gonna cover Mah Boo in boo boos (I hid the GONG this time, so don't try it). The Silver Fox just needs to mount his Pegasus and fly back! If he wants, he can stop at the Luxor in Las Vegas and report from there. During some nights, those drunk gambling bitches are just as rowdy.

via Mah Boo Twitter

A riddle for your troubles? How about this? He strayed with an actress on the set of his recent film, and is now desperate to keep it from his wife, who suspected, but who was won over by a family holiday and his new doting attitude. Only now the other woman is upset, threatening to overturn the peace, so he’s been calling in favours everywhere else to get her cast in another movie she’s not actually right for, just to get her to shut up. The favours he’s using up however could jeopardise his own project, and the people who are counting on his participation are getting increasingly anxious that he might fuck it up for everyone else. Major stress and sleepless nights. It’s Not Blake Lively. (Lainey Gossip)

My guess is a stretch that has already slapped me in the face, but it's all I've got. "A riddle" makes me think of Batman, which makes me think of Christopher Nolan, which makes me think of Inception, which makes me think of Ellen Page, which makes me think that maybe she wants the role of Lois Lane in Superman, which Christopher Nolan is producing. Yeah, but this is not them. Maybe the two tried to solve a Rubik's Cube together once, but methinks that's about as intimate as they get.

Or maybe this is Christian Bale and Melissa Leo? And she's THE ONE who wants the Lois Lane role? Pleasepleaseplease let that be it!

I did not believe it was possible. Yes, this B list television actress who has been around since her pre-teens has been cheating on her recent husband since even before they got married. I always thought he was oblivious, even when it was mentioned in this space, but it turns out he might know after all because he is having sex with this A list Academy Award winner/nominee actress who also has a significant other. (CDAN)

Not Sookeh & Beehl?! No, I'll go with Hilary Duff, Mike Comrie and I have no clue for the A-list actress. Yeah, I'm pretty much 0 for 2 so far.

Everybody’s having babies! Well, almost everyone. This couple – which has been trying to put a little bun in the oven – is getting pretty frustrated. She’s convinced that it’s her husband’s fault, but he refuses to get his little swimmers tested. It’s just not the kind of thing a manly actor does! Meanwhile, she has been telling friends that if she doesn’t get pregnant soon, she will go behind her husband’s back and find a sperm donor. (Blind Gossip)

Brian Austin Green & Megan Fox? And I'm pretty sure I'm at 0 for 3 now. Let's go for 4!

Which triple threat diva is so vain, she won’t even look at a designer dress unless the label says it’s a size six — even though that’s not her size! An insider tells Star, ‘She’s more like a 10 or 12, but she has this thing where she denies she’s bigger.” (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

I've heard a few stories about Mimi, but that ho is as knocked up as you can get so it's not her. I'll go with JLo? Unless "triple threat" means drunk, slut and gassy. If that's the case, I'll say Snooki.

Vanessa Paradis' fucked up gap will always be one of my favorite things in life - The Superficial

Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake are most likely humping on each other's legs for publicity - Lainey Gossip

Candance Swanepoel bares her pork buns for Vogue Italia (and they sort of do look like pork buns) (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Jennifer Aniston could've had Cheri Oteri's career, dammit! - Celebitchy

Howard Stern loves gays - Towleroad

Mop Head needs to stop - NYC Barstool Sports

From the ankles up, Rachel Bilson is dressed like a Working Girl extra - Hollywood Tuna

Without Nomi & Cristal from Showgirls, this list is invalid! - The Berry

Fall! Fall! Fall! Fall! - Popsugar

Even straight women want Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis - Popoholic

The PedoBear/Justin Bieber hybrid is born - TDW

The next season of America's Next Top Model is obviously inspired by Taylor Momsen's sad panda eyes - OMG Blog

Someone named Mike Posner isn't wearing a shirt - Just Jared

Stop me if you've heard this 10,000 times before, Kate Moss is engaged - ICYDK

Tom Hanks is a pepaw - I'm Not Obsessed

Wait, so am I supposed to smoke those nachos? - Cityrag

Antoine Dodson meets Mo'Nique... Sadly, it wasn't on the set of the Precious sequel - ICYDK

Nice shorts, Arnold - Hollywood Rag

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Or you can also look at this picture as "Gollum getting high on his own farts while his fellow passenger quickly learns how to breathe through her asshole." In case you couldn't already tell from your nose hairs curling up and your carbon monoxide detector screaming for mercy, this is Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty steaming up a car with his lady friend in London. If the driver wasn't hospitalized for a collapsed lung then he must be made of bionic parts.

Being in that car was probably like being trapped in a well-insulated tent with an elephant who just ate a pool full of curry and the only thing in there for you to cover your nose with is Ke$ha's armpit. Fucking one of your nose holes with a skunk's used tampon is a more pleasant experience than sitting in that car with Dreamy. This is exactly what you see when you put a microscope up to one of your wet fart bubbles.

That said, I still would over and over again. Don't act like rolling around on a Slip 'N Slide covered with ass sweat doesn't sound like a good time. Afterward, you'd have to shave your hair, marinate in a bath of piping hot Febreze and get a priest to exorcise the stank from your pores, but it'd still be worth it!

You know....I'm just not going to. Instead, I'll co-sign what Smoking Gun commenter ckursix wrote:

and if viewed in a mirror the tattoo reads "imadumbass"

And this genius was arrested for pistol whipping a pregnant woman. Yeah, I think I read that Albert Einstein did that back in the day, so maybe this dumb fuck isn't too far off.

And 100% of that beauty is beaming off of the ethereal ghoul above! Bravo announced today that they have pushed back The Real Housewives of NYC into the spring to make way for The Real Housewives of Miami which will dirty our TV screens with Juvederm and queso blanco splatters on February 22nd. Most of the cast look like they just fell out of a "day in the life of Miss Universe" montage, but the beautiful bruja sprinkled throughout the preview below ripped off one of her sharp brows and stabbed it directly into my heart. She's not in the full-time cast, but she's definitely the Miss Lawrence/Dwight/Giggy/Kim G of this shit show.

Don't mind me, I'll just be lounging in the beautiful witch's cauldron like it's a Jacuzzi. I won't even get scared when she starts throwing in raw carrots and potatoes. FEAST:

And here's the cast list from Bravo:

Lea Black: Deeply loved, occasionally uncompromising, but universally respected, this Texas native is leaving an indelible mark on Miami. Married to one of the top criminal defense attorneys in the country, Roy Black, and raising their 9-year-old son, Lea has a reputation as a community leader. She raised money for President Barack Obama during his 2008 presidential campaign as well as many other local Florida politicians, and spends a majority of her time working towards the success of her own beloved charity.

Marysol Patton: Miami native Marysol Patton is one of Miami’s most sought-after women both socially and professionally. Divorced 10 years has allowed her to put all energy into creating and running one of the premiere public relations firms in town, the Patton Group. Armed with her bedazzled iPhone and a hot female staff, this PR maven definitely knows how to throw a party for her A-list clients. When Marysol’s not working, she finds time to hang with her mother Elsa, a character in her own right. Elsa considers herself a “seer,” not a psychic and she’s a hot commodity amongst A-listers looking for spiritual guidance.

Adriana DeMoura-Sidi: This Brazilian bombshell is a full-time mom and a highly respected art curator who is always on the go. Coming off a traumatic divorce, Adriana wasted no time meeting her new fiancée, Fredric. Still her relationship is always on the rocks, as Adrianna’s flirtatious ways and fiery personality seem to get her in trouble and leave her peers gossiping.

Alexia Echevarria: This “Cuban Barbie” holds the pulse of Miami’s Latin culture. As the executive editor of Venue Magazine, Alexia spotlights the latest fashion trends as well as up-and -coming Latin film and TV stars. Alexia loves to spend time at her Miami Beach home with her husband Herman, and admits she is at times more of an older sister than a disciplinarian to her two sons from a pervious marriage.

Cristy Rice: As a Miami native who is beyond proud of her roots, Cristy’s sassy Latina flair is evident in everything she does. Recently divorced from NBA superstar Glen Rice, Cristy has entered a new phase of her life, being single and living out loud. When she’s not out dancing at night or dealing with relationship drama, Cristy’s life is jam-packed with being a single mom to her three children and running her own clothing store.

Larsa Pippen: This wife of NBA superstar Scottie Pippen shares the unofficial title of “Hottest NBA Wife” with her friend Cristy Rice. A snarky Lebanese beauty, Larsa boasts that she’s successful at everything she does, including playing wife and mother to her four young kids. When she’s not busy turning her three little boys into star athletes, shopping for her one-year-old princess, or firing nannies, Larsa is happy to spend a little time on herself.

But besides the enchantress of elegant darkness, this mess really does look awful.

The Los Angeles County D.A. is trying to decide whether or not to press charges against Lindsay Lohan for walking out of a store in Venice, CA with a $2,500 necklace around her neck and without a receipt for that shit in her suction cup hands. Kleptohan's stylist returned the necklace to the police a hot second after a judge issued a warrant to search her house of delusion, but that doesn't mean she's off the hook. Blohan already queefed out her signature "Who? What? Huh? Where am I?" denial, but the D.A. isn't entirely convinced. Let's all welcome the D.A. to Obvioustown. Population: Everybody but the Lohans.

According to one of TMZ's sources, the surveillance video doesn't have any audio on it, which could help LiLo's case. LiLo claims that the store owner let her borrow the necklace. The store owner also had LiLo's address on file, but they never tried to contact her ass to get their shit back. The Crackful Dodger was also photographed wearing the necklace (that tiny little string on her neck in the picture above), which has some asking if she's stupid enough to wear her snatched booty out in the open like that. My answer is: YES!

The bitch is shameless. Remember when she stole that fur coat and then wore it around the paparazzi? I bet the ho gets off on it. Just like Michael Lohan's nipples chirp when he straps his cell phone onto his waistband, LiLo's labia claps when she's wearing somebody else's crap.

With all that being said, you know who else is going to get robbed? The bitch who lays down $2,500 for that little ass necklace! How is that thing $2,500? Is it made from the jizz stream of a unicorn? The only piece of joo-ree I'd pay $2,500 for is an Anderson Cooper pearl necklace. And you know I'd shellac that beautiful mess onto my skin. Toxic skin poising be damned!

(Image via Wenn.com)

Reese Witherspoon and her fiance Jim Toth left a restaurant in Brentwood, CA last night before synchronizing their emotions inside. Jim's face is telling us that he can't wait to get home and suck on that chin like an Everlasting Gobstopper. Reese's face is telling us that she's having an internal melancholy moment reminiscing about all the precious times Jake Gyllenhaal gently plucked her brows while humming the Cadbury Eyebrows Song. Reese misses that.

I don't know if it's just these pictures, but Jim has a thick layer of The Situation (that's a fancy phrase for "douche") spread all across his face. That's the face you'd find staring back at you when you turn around to see the asshole that just gave you a wedgie. Fratface. Maybe that's why Reese looks so sad. Dude just made her chonie's label touch her neck. I know that I make that same face whenever I get a panty burn on my asshole.