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Two and a Half Men might be earthworm food, but Carlos Estevez is bringing bigger and better daily laughs with his insane rants directed towards at the show's creator Chuck Lorre. When Charlie Sheen isn't snorting up lines of win or controlling things with his mind, he's calling into radio shows. And today, he picked up the phone and called into Pat "Let's hire a hooker, Let's get some coke" O'Brien's radio show. I don't really need to say much, because Charlie's quotes are always so amazingly crazy that for years to come counselors will use them to determine whether or not their patients are crack damaged in the brains. "Does this Charlie Sheen quote make sense to you?" "Yes." CRACK DAMAGED!

As always, TMZ has the audio, but here's a few quotes. Charlie is even bringing Eminem into it!

Charlie on being clean and sober: “I'd 100% line up for a test, in front of anyone, only entrance fee is water. You can’t make a claim like that unless you are sitting on absolute gold.”

Charlie on not getting a paycheck from the producers: “Defeat is not an option. They know what they did was wrong they are in absolute breach [of contract] I did nothing wrong. They have picked a fight with the wrong guy. Defeat is not an option. I expressed an opinion, I have the first amendment to support me and I have an army marching behind me, to quote Eminem.”

Charlie on how the producers should take two pieces of Wonder Bread and rub his soft dick with them: “I put a billion dollars in the studio’s pockets and I put half a billion dollars in Chuck’s pocket. I should of been walking in to sandwiches, massages and hand jobs. Yeah, I said it!”

Charlie on how the producers told him to get his shit together: “Look, they said ‘change your life’ and I did, in like an hour. They might just be missing the old guy that was turning up every day and hitting gold.”

Charlie on Chuck Lorre and the show's other creator: “These guys are a couple of AA Nazis and just blatant hypocrites."

Charlie on if he would ever go back to the show: "Can you imagine going back into the sludge pit with those knuckleheads at this point? Can you imagine? It would go bad quickly."

Charlie on how we haven't seen the last of him yet: “Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch – it’s about to get really gnarly.”

Gnarly? Did Gnarly Sheen just graduate from Ridgemont High or some shit? If the gnarly-ness Carlos is about to serve is as gnarly as the chewed-up bar of Wrigley's in his mouth, then yeah, things are about to get really gnarly.

As the wax covered porcelain dragon Camille Grammer sit on the floor of her dungeon counting all the millions that Kelsey Grammer passed to her side of the table two weeks ago, he made his checking account weep some more by marrying 29-year-old Kayte Walsh without a prenup in NYC today. The bride wore ivory, the groom wore foolery and the groom's business manager wore a "...the fuck is he doing?" look during the entire ceremony.

People reports that Kelsey made Kayte his fourth wife at the Longacre Theater, where he did La Cage aux Folles for a year. Kayte was escorted down the theater aisle by a gigantic shovel and an even bigger wheelbarrow. Afterward, Kayte, Kelsey and their guests headed to the Plaza Hotel for the reception. No word if the guests nibbled on tossed salad or scrambled eggs.

Kelsey's spokeswhore confirms this mess:

"Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh were married today at a private ceremony for family and friends."

Yes, Kelsey looks like a nervous father who is about to caca in his chonies before escorting his older-looking teen daughter into her debutante ball, but who cares! And yes, Kelsey's addiction to marriage is eventually going to leave him with nothing but what's on that curb, but it's his wallet that's bawling like my no-no on a Saturday night. Not ours. Camille got hers, so I'm good.

What in the midget Hillary Clinton hell is Hayden Pantaloonswhatever wearing? - Popoholic

Natalie Portman is taking this baby thing way too far by wearing a baby's baptism dress - Lainey Gossip

God's blueprint for Chris Brown's life must have an error on it, because I'm pretty sure it includes him falling into a hole by now - The Superficial

SPOILER ALERT: The Two and a Half Men finale - TDW

An exquisite lucite glass of elegance - Hollywood Tuna

Gayle King puts on her "slumber party with Oprah" outfit for Lady Gaga - Towleroad

Kate Middleton Watch: she wore red today - Celebitchy

ASkars is slightly overdone in the face - Just Jared

Jon Hamm's beard is starting to look a bit minge-ey - Popsugar

BITE HER!!!! - ICYDK

Cheetos GIF overload - OMG Blog

Mrs. Roper wore it better - Go Fug Yourself

20 types of ugly - Cityrag

Ryan Reynolds needs a place to stay. I'm sure you'll offer him your cooch, I mean couch, to sleep on. I mean cooch - I'm Not Obsessed

Yale graduate Jessica Simpson goes to the gym - Hollywood Rag

Twins. - SOW

How does one greet the new Commander of the Order of the British Empire (whatever that is)? Do you get on the ground and salute with your nalgas ala Entrapment? Do you graciously bow down while saying under your breath, "The pleasure is mine, me lady...who isn't a minute over 41 and has never lied about her born year..."? Do you throw her a rose made of Botox vials? One thing I know you don't do is punch her in the face. And that's exactly what a paparazzo allegedly did to CJZ as she arrived at her hotel in London after being named the CBE.

In the video above from Entertainment Tonight, CZJ and Michael Douglas walk through a storm of camera flashes and once she gets to the front door of her hotel, she starts hollerin' out, "HE PUNCHED ME! HE PUNCHED ME! I WANT THE POLICE!" Who needs the bobbies when you've got Gordon Fucking Gecko?

If Michael Douglas was a band, his name would be Frail No More (GONG me and I'll call the bobbies), because he threw himself into the army of paps and puffed his nipples at the mofo who dropped a dose of disrespect on his wife.

The police were never called and CZJ's rep only said, "You saw it for yourself." But we really doesn't... You never actually see a pap's fist go into her face, but I'm going to choose to believe her. CZJ would never tell a lie (cut to her birth certificate laughing). I mean, who do we believe? A pap or THIS WOMAN:

Right? A glamour puss in a gold lamé catsuit deserves everyone's respect and trust!

I know what you think this looks like and you know what I think this looks like, so let's just leave this here and never speak of it again.

via Food Beast

Plushie lion photo bomb alert! Sadly, this post is not about how Taylor of Green Gables has converted to Plushophilia and is now skipping through the wheat fields of Avonlea with a plushie lion who suffers from TMJ. No, this is about how Taylor Swift sat with Glee's Chord Overstreet at a Kings vs. Wild game at the Staples Center in L.A. last night. (Side note: I always confuse Chord Overstreet with Justin from Queer as Folk. And then I start to think that Chord would look a lot better if he was sitting on Brian Kinney's face.)

Taylor just finished up with a dude whose names rhymes with a million words, and now she's getting with a piece named CHORD. CHORD! Chord's name is a damn song in itself. My "don't give a fuck" cousin who has been held back from the 2nd grade twice could come up with billions of words that rhyme with CHORD. Taylor isn't even trying anymore. Homegirl is hypnotized by the fact that she can share shampoo with Chord and she's not thinking about how she needs to challenge herself! Ho needs to date a Thai dude and try to find something that rhymes with his name. Taylor is as lazy as her eyelids.

That being said, I cannot fully hate on this pairing because their couple name is: Sweet Tard

Because St. Angie Jolie's veins are now filled with the watered down panty pudding of her most loyal Brangeloonies, she can't give Brad Pitt a vial of her blood like she did with Billy Bob Thornton. So Angie has commissioned a special diamond pendant for Brad from London-based jooree maker Robert Procop. Robert tells the Daily Mail that he lasered on a microscopic love note on the pendant. Only the eye on Angie's hypnotic clit of destruction can read the note without a microscope!! From the DM:

Exactly what Angelina, 35, has written in her billet doux is a secret. Says Procop: ‘I can’t tell you what it says, and you would need a microscope to read it.’

The pendant is based on Ancient Egyptian amulets that contained hidden messages. ‘The technology is quite new,’ he adds. ‘The hidden message is lasered on.’

A close friend of Jolie, Procop is also going into business with her, designing a jewellery range called The Style Of Jolie.

Oh, please tell me Jennifer Aniston snuck into the jewelry store, found the order form, scratched out whatever was written under "the inscription should read" and wrote this instead: "I'm with stupid ---->".

Knowing Angie's boring ass the inscription is probably a quote from her godfather, GOD, or her true spirit animal Gandhi. Or maybe Angie kept it simple and direct with: "Property of Angelina Jolie. See the testicle stump on his crotch if you need proof of this."

Maybe it's because I've always been a sucker for rainbow-bleeding unicorns and Dawson's lace bra, but for once in my entire life I didn't spray RAID into my palm and rub it all over my eyeballs after watching a Ke-DollarTree-ha video. Yes, listening to the song is like gargling my ear holes with trash syrup, but I sort of...kind of...like....the video. DON'T HIT ME! I mean, it's a water damaged Lisa Frank folder meets a bootleg Beta copy of Spy Hard meets James Van Der Beek's GIF poses meets a drag queen Katie Price's lounge act. Ke$ha Travolta even took fish bones to her head and brushed the swamp tail on her head for the occasion!

And now I must exfoliate my tongue and finger tips with Comet for admitting that I enjoyed something Ke$hit related.

via ONTD

"Random" has been busier than Charlie Sheen's crazy gene with all the of the foolery it's been pulling out of its asshole lately. Random already made all of us WTF believers by pairing Olivia Munn and Matthew Morrison together. And now it's going full foolery by placing Kathy Griffin's D-list cooch on top of the Old Spice Guy. Sources tell UsWeekly that instead of reaching for her EGOT dreams, Kathy is reaching for the Old Spice lube.

It all started when Kathy and Isaiah Mustafa met at the Creative Arts Emmys this past August. Kathy Tweeted the above shortly after that with the note: "A gift from me 2 u. Here I am with the super hot Old Spice Guy. Feel free to photoshop ur face over mine"

A source type says that ever since then 50-year-old Kathy and 37-year-old Isaiah have been casually seeing each other. Kathy is swan diving onto Isaiah's perfectly sculpted peen (which God based on the Statue of David), but it still hasn't tiptoed into serious territory. The source went on to say this shit: "They are not boyfriend/girlfriend but they are definitely spending time together and getting to know each other."

Kathy went from a gold digging husband to The Woz to this?! Three of those things are not like the other. I can appreciate Kathy, though, because she always throws out her vagina like a fishing net and she'll play with whatever dick in the ocean catches. When she's got enough Life & Style blurbs out of it, she'll throw the dick back into the sea. True slut move. Yeah, and I know most of you think this is just some STUNT QUEEN shit, but it looks authentic to me (not really). Isaiah is definitely giving a "Yes, I've been where the red fern grows" look in that picture above.

John Galliano looks like he'd snatch you out of your stage coach, tie you to the train tracks with extra thick rope and let out a melodic "BLEHEHEHEHE" while stroking his thinstache of virgin pubes as doom comes screeching towards you, but is this bitch evil enough to throw out an anti-Semetic rant? Depending on who you ask, he is. There's a few stories going around as to what exactly happened between a couple at a cafe and the dainty gay pirate known John Galliano.

Elle UK says that John was downing the sweet nectar in massive doses at a fancy bar in Paris last night when he got into a brawl of words with a couple sitting at the table next to his. John didn't pull out a pastel purple silk scarf and challenge the couple to a struttin' that ass duel on the catwalk. John also didn't pull off his glove finger by finger and then slap both of them like a duchess scorned. Nope, sources say that John gave Mel Gibson a boner by shooting anti-Semitic insults at them. The police were called and John was arrested. But a different source says that John never turned his Mein Kunt switch on and he was never arrested, but he did go down to the station to write his account of the incident with a feather pen on the police report.

Whatever the case may be, Dior isn't trying to be known as the house of Heil Couture, so they have suspended John right before Paris Fashion Week. Dior's chief officer sent this statement to Reuters:

"Dior affirms with the utmost conviction its policy of zero tolerance towards any antisemitic or racist words or behaviour. Pending the results of the inquiry, Christian Dior has suspended John Galliano from his responsibilities."

There's a funny eyewitness account of this over at Sleek Magazine. The witness says that the couple called John "ugly and disgusting" after he tried to toast with them. John allegedly shot back with, “You’re ugly and you’re fucking bag is ugly too.” In the French fashion world, harassing and assaulting a purse is considered a capital crime so now I understand why the police sashayed in and detained Galliano.

Meanwhile, Kunty Karl lifted up his skull from the neck of the town virgin he was feeding on and let out a cackle that singed the tips of John's moustache.