CSI made the children cry when they killed the reason for their coos this past Thursday night, and now this! Justin Bieber was voted MVP at the NBA All-Star Jam Session in L.A. on Friday night, but he almost didn't win that honor(?) because Common nearly trampled his ass on the court. Call Bieber Protective Services, because this is definitely toddler abuse. Bieber is as fragile as the wings on a Precious Moments figurine and the producers of CBS dramas and the organizers of charity events need to realize this! We should really put Justin in a plastic bubble to protect him from shit like this forever. John Travolta knows what I'm talking about.
The group of hackers for a cause called Anonymous have already made Tommy Girl's Scientolohole frown when they took on The Church of LRo a few years ago, and now they're sharpening their keystrokes and going after The Westboro Baptist Church. You know those crazy bitches headed by Fred Phelps and his daughter Shirley Phelps. They're the ones who go around screaming that God hates everything from "fags" to "Jews" to "Lady Gaga" to "America." Judging by Shirley's dire eyebrow situation, God must really hate Tweezers since that trail of brow weeds above her hate balls have only been plucked with hot fireplace tongs and weasel teeth. But I digress...
Anonymous sent WBC an open letter last night threatening that shit will get forever real if they don't extinguish the hate by shutting down their websites and promising to never protest a funeral again. The full letter is here, but I've copy and pasted a piece for your below:
Your demonstrations and your unrelenting cascade of disparaging slurs, unfounded judgments, and prejudicial innuendos, which apparently apply to every individual numbered amongst the race of Man - except for yourselves - has frequently crossed the line which separates Freedom of Speech from deliberately utilizing the same tactics and methods of intimidation and mental & emotional abuse that have been previously exploited and employed by tyrants and dictators, fascists and terrorist organizations throughout history.
ANONYMOUS cannot abide this behavior any longer. The time for us to be idle spectators in your inhumane treatment of fellow Man has reached its apex, and we shall now be moved to action. Thus, we give you a warning: Cease & desist your protest campaign in the year 2011, return to your homes in Kansas, & close your public Web sites. Should you ignore this warning, you will meet with the vicious retaliatory arm of ANONYMOUS: We will target your public Websites, and the propaganda & detestable doctrine that you promote will be eradicated; the damage incurred will be irreversible, and neither your institution nor your congregation will ever be able to fully recover. It is in your best interest to comply now, while the option to do so is still being offered, because we will not relent until you cease the conduction & promotion of all your bigoted operations & doctrines. The warning has been given. What happens from here shall be determined by you.
WBC hates EVERYTHING but attention so obviously this is fueling their hate machine. WBC, who thinks they're Kiki Dunst in Bring It On, responded to Anonymous last night with this:
One of the only ways to successfully destroy the crazy mob of hatewhores at WBC is to buy up every piece of card stock so they won't be able to make signs anymore. Without a sign in their claws, the are nothing! It's like if I suddenly found out that I'm allergic to eating coconut frosting directly out of the tub. DESTROYED. The other way to destroy those slugs (no offense to slugs, they are wonderful garden creatures) at WBC is to sprinkle them with verb salt made of IGNORE.
And it's a good thing God does not hate popcorn, because we're going to eat a lot of it when we sit in Anonymous' side of the bleachers while watching this battle go down.
UPDATE: Put down the popcorn and let's all go home. Boo.gif. Anonymous issued another press release saying they never sent out the first press release. They aren't planning to attack WBC at this time and they say they have bigger bitches to broil.
And me. I didn't get one of these in my mailbox either, but that isn't going to stop me from making a counterfeit one using the most skilled day clerk at Kinko's, a gold Sharpie a copy of Prince Hot Ginge's saliva (made with jalapeno lube, the gel from 2 Red Hots, vodka mucous and liquid fire). This is the fancy invitation that Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out last week to 1,000 of their closest friends as well as 900 family members, government officials and dignitaries from around the world. Yes, and I've already sent my reply to Lord Richard Chamberlain requesting the bangers and mash for dinner and the spotted dick (I'm guessing PHG has freckles all over) for dessert.
Popeater says that one name has been left off the guest list for Prince Willy and Kate Bottompound's wedding (or as Kate calls it, THE DAY THE CROWN IS FINALLY FUCKING MINE day) and that name begins with "The Original" and ends with "Fergie." Even though Fergie's ex-husband Prince Andrew and their two daughters were invited, Fergie was not. Sources say that the royal family did not appreciate Fergie selling their asses out and think that if she goes to the wedding, she'll hide a camera in her QVC broach and sell the pictures to the News of the World. Fergie confirms that she wasn't invited and says that she never expected a royal eVite to land in her inbox anyway.
It isn't a royal event without Fergie there to throw cunt shade at The Queen (a cuntsy, if you will) and then ruin the whole thing by drunkenly falling into the cake while doing the electric slide. Fergie can be my plus one when I crash that shit with the help of my counterfeit invitation. But she better wear her finest gold leisure suit since Prince William and Kate are obviously serious about their loungewear.
In case you missed it, here's stunt queen extraordinaire Kanye West putting every colored light bulb at Spencer Gifts to the test in his video for "All of the Lights" featuring Kid Cudi and RiRi who is wearing one of The Slut Dress' newborn babies as a top. And in case your name is Serene Branson, you should not press "play" on this technicolor "shot in my mother's garage" mess because it will induce another complex migraine and heavy burtations will occur!
Marian Mercer, the matriarch of the cocktail waitress family on It's A Living! While reading about NBC's new pilot about Chicago's Playboy club in the 1960s, the part of my brain that produces the thoughts that fall under the "WE MUST FOREVER LIVE IN THE 1980s" category immediately made me think that they should greenlight a remake of It's A Living! instead! It was muddled into oblivion way too early on and deserves another time in the shine. But mostly because Tony award winner Marian Mercer, who played the bossy restaurant hostess Nancy, needs a comeback.
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