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Taking a break from his at-home rehab treatment, Charlie Sheen issued his first public statement and thanked his bosses at CBS for giving him a few weeks to try to curb his thirst for crack smoke and 21 and over juice.

“I have a lot of work to do to be able to return the support I have received from so many people. I want to say ‘thank-you’ to my fellow cast members, the crew of Two and a Half Men and everyone at CBS and Warner Bros., especially Les Moonves and Bruce Rosenblum for their concern and support.
And to my fans, your good wishes have touched me very much. 
Like Errol Flynn, who had to put down his sword on occasion, I just want to say, ‘thank-you.’”

Very nice. But there's probably a hidden message somewhere in that statement begging ANYONE to please hide a porn flip book in his script, because Charlie must get vagina in some kind of medium!!!!!!! And Charlie really doesn't have to worry about putting his sword down. It's been dull for months and it couldn't cut the stray hair on a porn star's landing strip. What Charlie should really do is put down the suitcase of coke for a minute. It'd help his hernia too.

And while I was researching this highly important news story, I read this little piece of info on the Charlie Sheen of the Golden Age of Hollywood, Errol Flynn:

Flynn had a reputation for his womanizing, consumption of alcohol and brawling. His freewheeling, hedonistic lifestyle caught up with him in November 1942 when two under-age girls, Betty Hansen and Peggy Satterlee, accused him of statutory rape.[20] A group was organized to support Flynn, named the American Boys' Club for the Defense of Errol Flynn (ABCDEF); its members included William F. Buckley, Jr.

If you're interested, there's a sign up sheet for the American Boys' Club for the Defense of Charlie Sheen (ABCDEFULLOFSHIT) hanging on the wall in the back of 20-20 Video in Hollywood. Sadly, Charlie won't buy you a Bentley or repeatedly blow crack smoke in your face if you join.

via TVLine

Terrence Howard's wife of only one year Michelle Howard, seen her trying to hide the down low discomfort she feels from over-baby wiping her chocha, has filed for divorce. Terrence and Michelle made wipes every variety cry Propylene glycol tears of happiness when they were married on January 20, 2010. Michelle wrote January 27, 2011 as the day their marriage fell into a Pamper and got stuffed into a Diaper Genie.

Radar reports that Michelle wants spousal support and is also asking that Terrence take care of her legal fees. Terrence and Michelle never had children, because he didn't want her sharing her stash of Baby Wipes with anybody else!

Terrence's voice could melt the ice in my well whiskey, but that bitch has the wrong kind of OCD. Michelle couldn't use the bathroom without Terrence putting his ear up to the door to make sure her hand never touched that roll of toilet paper. After she finished, Terrence went in there and counted every damn sheet! If Michelle's pussy didn't smell like baby ass and Purell, he sent her back to the bathroom to try again. Michelle is divorcing that motherfucker, because she wants CHARMIN back in her life. It's as simple as that.

This former A list movie actor. I mean he was A+ not that far back in the day is in talks to be the first celebrity on Hoarders. You cannot even get into his house despite the fact even Camille would think it was large. (CDAN)

Why am I picturing Rob Schneider screaming at his family members when they try to throw out his collection of empty yogurt cups? But if I copy and paste Nicolas Cage's head over Rob's body, that image still makes sense.

Which television diva who brags nonstop about her svelte body is secretly addicted to laxatives? (Page Six)

RICHARD SIMMONS. Duh.

Which A-list actress is trying to smear her ex by spreading rumors about him watching gay porn? (Page Six)

Halle Berry? And I won't believe her until I see these pictures of Gabriel Aubry staring at man eating man ass.

This pregnant B list actress. I just realized that covers about half of Hollywood at this point now doesn't it? Umm, award winner. Big award. Anyway, she has been non stop gushing about her guy and blah blah blah. Turns out that is only for the cameras. Once award season is over, the guy is out the door. Maybe, just maybe she might keep him around until the baby is born, but I am hearing March. (CDAN)

Natalie Portman is A-list, but her heart has been visibly barfing out love notes for that ballerina dude, so I'll go with her.

Wheelchair Jimmy is poppin' a wheelie - SOW

ScarJo cried while having dinner with Ryan Reynolds...he probably brought up her acting in The Black Dahlia (and every other movie she's been in) - The Superficial

Mimi's legendary Cribs episode is getting a sequel - Lainey Gossip

FuckyouPhil don't know his own shadow from his asshole - NYC Barstool Sports

Miley Cyrus' nipple can't be tamed (NSFWishish) - Drunken Stepfather

If only gay beer was real....and if only it tasted like rainbow-flavored peens - Towleroad

Bongo should've using Ceiling Eyes' star of a mother instead - Hollywood Tuna

LL Cool J's chest looks like Kim Kardashian's ass with most of the air taken out - Celebitchy

Jessica Lowndes SANS FARDS (except for a pair of freshly painted brows) - Popoholic

Dude had it right the first time - TDW

Naomi Campbell resting and sunning her throwin' hand in Phuket - Popsugar

Kiera Knightley, parched and famished in Elle - The Berry

Megan Fox BC (before Collagen) - Just Jared

When are we going to find out that Lisa Vanderpump is really Cedric's long-lost prostitute mom? - ICYDK

FHM UK has pulled a Weekly World News by putting an alien on their cover - Moe Jackson

Glamberace's got himself a new Finnish piece - OMG Blog

Five minutes later, Hazmat arrived and firebombed that bathroom - Celebslam

Craig Ferguson's a dad again - I'm Not Obsessed

Happy Groundhog Day - Cityrag

The Hoff is looking hot - Hollywood Rag

Star Magazine has done it again. Last week they declared that Jennifer Aniston was planning to fill her lonely arms with an orphan baby from Mexico. And this week they have belly flopped into a pool of I CAN'T by speculating that Brangelina's Chosen Ones have Down syndrome. Their proof? They don't have any according to Jezebel. One former nanny says the twins "take longer to grasp things" than other children and Angelina Jolie flipped out when they voiced their concerns. Well, okay then. But based on the awful picture of Knox they pulled, are we sure he just didn't get drunk and do coke with Gaga in a NYC basement?

Elton John has gathered everyone into the small conference room of a chain hotel, waited for Billy Joel to arrive and then read him a "Please Get Help Already" letter loud enough so we could all hear it. Is Candy Finnigan amused, or is she side-eyeing the hell out of Elton?

Elton used his interview with Rolling Stone to make a public plea to his former tourmate, Billy Joel, to stop going to spas masquerading as rehab centers and get real help. It's not exactly a secret that Billy Joel has been a drunk old bitch for a long time, but now Elton is lifting the torn velvet curtain and letting everyone know that the "Uptown Girl" Billy sings about is probably the lady bartender at Turtle Bay Tavern who isn't shy with the whiskey. Elton put it like this:

"At the end of the day, he's coasting. I always say, 'Billy, can't you write another song?' It's either fear or laziness. It upsets me. Billy's a conundrum. We've had so many canceled tours because of illnesses and various other things, alcoholism.

He's going to hate me for this, but every time he goes to rehab they've been light. When I went to rehab, I had to clean the floors. He goes to rehab where they have TVs. I love you, Billy, and this is tough love.

Billy, you have your demons and you're not going to get rid of them at rehab light. You've got to be serious. People adore you, they love you, and respect you. You should be able to do something better than what you're doing now."

Let's assume that Elton has already said all of this to Billy's hound dog face and him telling the world is a last stitch effort to force his friend into rehab. It's sort of (not really) like the time one of my boyfriends was sick of me eating crumbly ass cookies in bed. He'd beg me to stop and I'd tell him to eff off as I bit into a delicious Famous Amos. The dude had enough, so one day in the grocery store he says in front of everyone, "Hmmm. I wonder what flavor of cookie crumb I'm going to find stuck in my ass crack from you eating cookies in bed?" Yeah, it didn't work, but he gets an Oreo dingle in the ass for trying.

Anyway, the trees on Long Island thank Elton John for trying too.

One of Dan Savage's readers sent him this picture of The Gap's new "Pegged Boyfriend" jeans, which will send thousands of strap-on-loving straight dudes running into their stores. The Gap knows what they're doing. Although, they should really make Pegged Boyfriend jeans for men too. It could be like the hanky code for dudes that are into getting pegged! That way he doesn't have to get on all fours on the bed and wigggle his culito at his girlfriend hoping that she gets the damn clue, puts on a strap-on and pounds at his prostate. Prostate paillard!

I mean, it would make Zac Efron's life so much easier.

(Thanks John)

More like "Femme Fartale" (sorry). Brit Brit is wearing a vest made of cockapoo fur and her weave was patched together using clumps of greasy wig hair found stuck in Kim Zolciak's drain, but I'm actually into the cover of her new album (which you know she pronounces "Fem-me Fart-tally"). It looks like the flier for a strip club that you'd find covered in cigarette ash and splashes of malt liquor on the sidewalk in Downtown Las Vegas. SOLD! Right?

And just so we're all clear, here's Wikipedia's definition of femme fatale:

A femme fatale (pronounced /ˌfɛm fəˈtæl/ or /ˌfɛm fəˈtɑːl/; French: [fam faˈtal], with all [a]'s) is a mysterious and seductive woman[1] whose charms ensnare her lovers in bonds of irresistible desire, often leading them into compromising, dangerous, and deadly situations.

Yeah, I don't know if that describes our little Louisiana trailer park blossom, but it definitely describes her bowels relationship with her all-Frapp diet.

via Brit Brit's Twatter

Blaming each other in the press? Check. Leaking stories that make the other ho sound like a graduate of the Teen Mom School of Parenting? Check. Ho shit? Check. Enough crazy to power Michele Bachmann's eyes for years? Check. Racial slurs? Check. It's official! We're a Jacuzzi cum shot away from getting a modeling agency remake of Octosana vs. Mad Mel starring Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry. Gabriel and Halle have both released their own statements about their ugly ass custody battle now, and now it's time for those ESCANDALOSO details to start leaking.

In this week's People cover story, a source close to Halle claims after she broke up with Gabriel, he constantly verbally abused her and called her the "N" word at least once. Gabriel's former business partner Stephane Bibeau has slid into Halle's side and says, "Once they broke up he became verbally threatening to Halle. He is a vindictive guy." This is on top of Halle's friends portraying Gabriel as a jealous crazy who shouldn't be in charge of stirring the top oil into the bath scrub, let alone taking care of a human child.

A different source echoes this mess to TMZ. Gabriel not only attacked Halle with fighting words in person, but he also sent her text messages that started with, "You fucking bitch...." TMZ also interviewed one of Gabriel's ex-pieces who says that he's always been gold digging, man whoring, piece of shit.

Meanwhile, one of Gabriel's friends still stand by their story that he's a devoted father and Halle's the real insane ragemonster in that family.

Santo dios. This is messier than Halle's scalp after shooting B*A*P*S. There's a good chance Halle is trying to smear Gabriel's purdy face with shit covered lies. Just like there's a good chance Gabriel is trying to do the same thing to Halle. We might not agree on that theory, but it's safe to say that we do agree that both of these bitches are crazy as all hell!

I knew Halle had a tinge of insanity in her when she talked about the time she tried to commit suicide by sitting in a running car in her garage. I didn't think she was crazy because she thought of suicide at a low point in her life. No. I thought she was crazy, because she says she put her dogs in the car too! This isn't Jonestown! You don't need to take your dogs down with you. Damn. "You know All Dog's Go To Heaven is just a movie, right?" - Halle's dogs while sitting in the car with her

At this point, Nahla would really be better off being raised by a mandrill and a hornbill. Halle and Gabriel are both beautiful on the inside, but they're also both a bright shade of NUTS on the inside.

Gwyneth Paltrow sang in Country Strong, sang at the Country Music Awards, sang on Glee, sang on Saturday Night Live and now she's about to sing during the Grammy Awards on February 13th. Thanks to Fishstick's incessant need to kick our ears with her GOOP warble, 2011 is turning out to be the year of the mute button. And you can partly blame the Violet Beauregarde of soul for this.

After Fishy sang a scrubbed version of Cee-Lo's "Fuck You" on Glee, he asked her to record a new version of the song. There's a good chance they will performance that version on the Grammys with the help of a few Muppets. Cee-Lo tells People that he developed a bond (smells like pit cream, undertit butter, flax seed oil and ear drum tears) with Fishy after she told him she is "really feeling and appreciating what I had done artistically. That was awesome to come from her and feel her energy."

"Fuck You" used to be one of my favorite passive-aggressive songs to sing out in public whenever I needed to curse a trick out without cursing a trick out. If some asshole was talking too loud on his cell phone in line at the grocery store, you could start singing "FUCK YOU" and when he turned around to slap you in the mouth, you'd tell him that you were just trying to get Cee-Lo's song out of your head. A perfect excuse. But now I can't sing that mess without seeing Fishy's "Scream mask covered with rare organic beeswax" face mouthing the words "FUCK YOU" at me. "Fuck You" is supposed to only make a one way trip from my head to GOOPVILLE. And now it's going round trip! Fuck you for this, Cee-Lo!