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10,000 square feet of luxury that has been christened with Jennifer Aniston's tequila-infused miserable tears of loneliness can be yours for only $42 million. Jennifer bought the Beverly Hills house in 2006 for 13.5 million, and spent 2 years and $15 million on renovating it. When the last strip of shag rug was laid down, Jennifer dubbed the place "Ohana," which is Hawaiian for "OhaaaaaaawcomeIdonthaveaman." The house was featured in an Architectural Digest cover spread and Jennifer told the magazine that the house felt like a "hug" to her. No comment. Too easy. Etc...

People (via Gawker) reports that the house isn't officially on the market yet. Jen's broker is quietly showing the place to an "elite group" of real estate agents. Jen also told People recently that when she was in London, she had an epiphany and realized that her life is too cluttered. That's when she decided to downsize and sell her house. Jen said, "I had the realization that this is just too much for me. I'm not this person."

BUT FOR 42 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS?! For $42 million I can buy the Lost island and build a clone of Tattoos and tamed smoke monsters who will feed me Dharma caviar from a spoon made of Lovey Howell's diamond earrings. 42 MILLION?! You know how long it would take for Maddox to save up his allowance so that he can buy Jennifer's house and then torch it with a flaming Beanie Baby? At least 4 weeks. That's three lifetimes in Maddox years. I swear, Jennifer better include her entire Beanie Baby underground dungeon for that price.

And you know, I sort of like her house. It's like a luxury Polynesian porn hotel. If I opened the door to that bedroom, I would not be surprised to find Roller Girl ogling at Dirk Diggler's dick.

And that adorable dog friend's face is totally saying: "I've gotta Frontline these bitches already." Here's Gollum's second cousins happily frolicking through LAX yesterday as though the paps' cameras were daisies and they were butterflies looking to sip on sweet nectar. But no, you'd cover your troll mug too if you just returned from Middle-earth where you had to crawl through the tundra and make coats out of Hobbit scalps in order to stay warm. Besides, a camera flash is just like the shine from a silver crucifix to the Olsens. It hardens their veins and makes their souls itch.

It's not a big deal, though. Their dog is doing enough posing for all of them. That bitch is a star.

This former A list tweener who is now trying to find her own way in the world has been telling people she has lots and lots of secrets about daddy he does not want the world to know so he needs to be quiet. (CDAN)

The secrets Billy Ray Cyrus keeps hidden in his mullet are about to come flying out of the sandpaper bong hole on Miley's face, so he better just talk into his taco party pack from now on. And no, the world does not want to know these secrets since they will probably make our pores barf and cause Papa Joe to say, "Dude, too far, too far..."

It was big news when this couple broke up, and now you’re going to hear some of the grossest behind-the-scenes details.

There are photos. And a video. In them, the couple is engaged in various sex acts and using lots of filthy language. Since they were married at the time, no big deal, right? Well, the man is wearing leather, a brown cap with a racist symbol, and a gun. He also has a little mustache as the result of a scatalogical act in which the couple engages on the video.

When they broke up, he went to rehab, but curiously left after only a short period of time. Why? So that he could secure the tape. She was also extremely worried about the tape, as its publication would have certainly caused her pristine reputation to come crashing down. Her handlers rushed to the home, couldn’t find the tape, but were able to secure some revealing photos.

So, in case you are wondering why she was so quiet after the breakup, it is because she is still vulnerable to being as condemned as he is. He still has the tape, she still has the photos, and the two will be eternally locked in a Mexican-style standoff. (Blind Gossip)

Sandra Bullock and Vanilla Gorilla? Luckily for Sandra, the tape doesn't sound as bad as Speed 2. And what's really surprising is that he's the one who gets a poopstache instead of her. He does love a good Shitler on his upper lip, right? Total Dirty Sanchez reversal. But Sandra is still so square that I'm sure she wore a rubber glove when she ventured into his Nazi prairie dog burrow and screamed "ewwww" after she did it.

This newly married country singer who you all know, but not really for being a singer, should really watch her husband more closely as he would not stop chatting with every model he saw and even asked for phone numbers. Now, I know our singer has a role model who has been rumored to enjoy the ladies, but I think this was all for him. I think she just doesn't care which is really sad. (CDAN)

My brain immediately burped up Fishsticks Paltrow's name until I read the "newly married" part. So I'll go with Kellie Pickler?

This one blew me away when I heard it. It is so so juicy but I am having a tough time describing it without giving away the people involved. Lets just say that a once married actress who used to be B- and is now just a stay at home mom for the most part specializes in putting together fellow C&D listers with men who would have some um, disposable income. No regular people. It is strictly D listers who have been famous at one point or another. Even though they are C&D listers at least three names you would know. (CDAN)

Denise Richards would make a really good madam because she always sticks to the pro ho's code of silence. I'll guess her and I'll also say that she D-listers she set up were: Spaghetti Cat, La Pequena and Quween on the Scene.

Madam President Beatha Lee, the dirty-white dog who was unanimously and unknowingly elected Annandale, Virginia's civic association president! Bow down to the new bitch! You're going to have to bow down lower, because Beatha Lee isn't even trying to get up from her 1000th nap of the day.

At Annandale's election ceremony this past June, residents didn't want to bother trying to fight the zzzzzs while sitting through speeches, so only the names and qualifications of each candidate were read off before voting. Although, if Beatha did have to give a speech, her barking, howling and ass-licking act probably would've been more enlightening and hopeful than most of the shit politicians spit out. So, Ms. Beatha Lee was described as a new resident who was interested in the outdoors and getting into neighborhood activities (aka sniffing new ass and chasing new bitches). Ms. Beatha Lee had just moved from Maine where she oversaw a 26-acre estate. Ms. Beatha Lee's bio was good enough for the residents of Annandale and they unanimously voted her their new president! Hail to the bitch!

But a few weeks later, they all opened up their association newsletters and discovered that Ms. Beatha Lee is 100% dog! The emotions "SHOCK," "EMBARRASSMENT" and "WTFness" fell all over the residents. The orchestrator behind Ms. Beatha Lee's rise up the political ladder is her owner Mark Crawford. Mark had been the association president for three years in a row but he wasn't allowed to run again and nobody was interested in the position.

Mark begged some of his neighbors to run, but they queefed on his pleas and put up a giant DO NOT WANT sign in front of his face. So Mark decided to teach them all a lesson by putting his dog's name on the ballot. It worked! But the association can't get the bitch out, because she meets all of the qualifications. Nowhere does it state that a candidate must be a human. Beatha Lee stays.

Mark was named vice-president, so he signs all the checks and makes most of the decisions while madam president takes naps during monthly board meetings and sometimes throws in her two cents. Her two-cents usually smell like dog butt and anal gland juice, but it's still her two cents!

I have a feeling that Ms. Beatha Lee will go down in history as one of Annandale's (Note: you don't know how hard it is for me to not type "Analdale") most successful presidents! I also have a feeling that I've seen this story before on The Wonderful World of Disney. It probably starred Jerry Lee Lewis or some shit.

via Washington Post (For Shera)

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