This isn't a flyer for a snuff party you'd knock off your windshield after coming out of the club at 4 in the morning. It's the cover for Lil' Kim's diss-tape called "Black Friday" which she has dedicated to her forever rival Nicki Minaj. Kim kept it demure and subtle as always by using the Mortal Kombat Photoshop tool to decapitate Nicki with a sword. Kim also used that sword to scrape all signs of life from this cover, because it makes Pixar movies look like documentaries. I know that Kim farts pixels, but damn.
Bitch looks like if the T-1000 tried to morph into a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race, but got stuck halfway through. This almost looks like a scene you'd make with stickers you bought from the Scholastic Book Catalog. And I know that's supposed to be Nicki's head (once again, subtle...) over there, but that looks more like a bubble of Pepto.
And if you're craving more of Kim's subtlety, here's Kim "pissing on them" over the instrumental from one of Nicki's tracks.
Well, this is just a silicone sack full of sad. Sheyla Hershey, the woman who once held the record for having the largest breast implants in the world, is in a coma after she tried to commit suicide by overdosing on pills at her home in Houston. Five months ago, Sheyla was forced to get her 38M titty bags removed when she contracted an infection. At the time, Sheyla said that she was sad to say goodbye to the twin Sumo wrestlers on her chest, but her daughter and son come first. But I guess the void of not having implants was too much for Sheyla to handle.
The Sun reports that this is the second time in two months Sheyla has attempted suicide. Sheyla was in therapy for her silicone addiction, but it didn't help. Sheyla apparently said, "Once I reclaim my identity as the World's Biggest Boobs I can be a better role model for my daughter. I feel so ugly without my breasts. Without them, I don't know who I am."
Sheyla was supposed to get Kourtney, Khloe and Kim Kardashian (aka KKK implants) installed in her chest today. Sheyla's husband confirms that she's in a coma, "Doctors don't know when she'll wake. I just pray she gets out of it."
If only Aretha Franklin could find a way to transfer the fat melting off her chichis over to Sheyla. This is just a modern day tragedy I thought only existed on Nip/Tuck. Sheyla can't live with silicone, and she can't live without silicone either....
It isn't what Belinda Heggen of Ten News in Adelaide says, because she gives Mark Aiston a slight crotch kick followed by a compliment. I mean, she's basically saying that even though he could use a Barbie shower cap as a condom, he knows how to use it. But it's the way she says it. Like her mouth is pulling out the words from deep inside her scorned vagina. And then she follows it up Naomi Campbell-style by throwing a thankyouverymuch. Yup, Belinda Heggen is definitely one of my new ice cold idols.
Frankie Muniz allegedly put a gun to his head and threatened to pull the trigger during a fight with his girlfriend Elycia Turnbow at their home in Phoenix, Arizona on Friday night. This was after Frankie pulled out a step stool, stood on it and punched Elycia in the back of the head. Frankie and Elycia both deny any of this happened, but TMZ says the police report says otherwise. And I thought Dewey would be the one who would grow up and inherit Gary Coleman's Napoleon RAGE.
The cops were apparently called when Frankie and Elycia got into a brawl of words over their past pieces. Elycia told the police that Frankie brought his fist on her head and then shoved her into a bathroom wall. When Frankie put the gun to his gigantic globe of a head, Elycia got scared and called one of his bandmates.
But Frankie's side of the story is totally different. Frankie claims he was sound asleep dreaming of his childhood with the Lollipop Guild when Elycia woke him up by pounding on his head. Frankie says she fell off the bed and started kicking at his bedroom door.
Frankie later told police that he never put the gun to his head and it's not even loaded. The police report says that the gun was loaded. Frankie also says that he loves Elycia too much to Ike Turner her in the head.
Frankie's rep issued a statement denying all of this:
"Frankie and Elycia had an argument a few days ago. The police were called to the residence.
A gun played no part in the argument and was voluntarily given to the police for safekeeping. There were no bruises and neither left the residence. He was not suicidal. She was not assaulted."
Never mind that Elycia looks like an R-rated version of Claudia Salinger or that Frankie Muniz looks like an adult Chicken Little on the wrong kind of growth hormones and hair plugs, the most horrifying part of this story is that Agent Cody Banks IS IN A BAND!
(Carol) Channing Tatum (O'Neal) tells GQ that he's been sexing on Jamie Bell for years. To which I say, pics and cum rag or it didn't happen - Towleroad
Johnny Depp's jeans are killing me loudly - Lainey Gossip
Blake Lively..... Yup, still boring - The Superficial
SHOCKING: A few Demi Moore bikini pictures that she didn't take and post herself (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Brooklyn Decker in Sports Illustrated - Hollywood Tuna
Tonya Harding is going to be a mom. Please tell me she's going to shout "WHYYYYY MEEEEE! WHYYYYY MEEEEEE!" during labor - Celebitchy
Um. You've got a little Taylor Momsen on your lips - The Berry
Tinkerbell and Peter Pan's love child at the Elle Style Awards - Popoholic
I read this as "Leslie Nielsen" and got really confused for a second - NYC Barstool Sports
You and me both, Chuck Lorre - TDW
Harpo, who dis white woman? - Just Jared
Even Ashlee Simpson can't lift up head to look at Pete Wentz's hair - Popsugar
Thrilling. - ICYDK
David LaChapelle stuffed a ball gag lawsuit in RiRi's mouth - OMG Blog
Cat vs. dog vs. stuff - Cityrag
A bedazzled gay mariachi attends a day of the dead parade - SOW
Why did I think this was Chris Crocker? - Hollywood Rag
I need to give a special thanks to Irina Shayk, Cristiano Ronaldo's full-time Tweezer holder and the Sports Illustrated:
Nekkid Ass Nekkid Swimsuit Edition cover model, for making me feel not so alone in the world. Up until now, I thought I was the only one who used my down low parts to scroll on the scroll pad while keeping my nipple warm on the monitor (?). But Irina should really wear those radiation shield socks so she doesn't get electromagnetic poisoning in the nipples. I always do.
And here's Irina on the cover:
It's like her lips and her titties are competing to see who could push themselves out the farthest. TIE.
via Best Week Ever
The real-life Anne of Green Gables, Taylor Swift, might have finally found the perfect heartmate to run through the apple orchards and chase butterflies through lavender fields with her. Jake Gyllenhaal tried to pretend like he enjoyed spending his Sunday afternoon giving raspberries to puppies (or whatever the hell Taylor gets into on the weekend), but in the end he just couldn't do it with a straight face. (Yes, I know what I did there). But Adam Young of Owl City may be able to.
A while ago, Taylor Swift admitted that her song "Enchanted" was about the moment she met a dude in NYC that she had been e-mailing with for a while. Taylor is a graduate of Detective La Toya's Pre-School of Hints, so she capitalized the letters A-D-A-M in her album's lyric booklet and said that she used the word "wonderstruck" in the song because that was the subject of one of their e-mails. Adam quickly realized the song was about him and it seems like he's been waiting for Valentine's Day to arrive so that he could post his response on Owl City's blog. If you're an old bitter bitch cunt queen like I've always been, this will definitely make you barf up liquefied candy hearts, fairy glitter spray cheese. You've been warned.
I’ll be the first to admit I’m a rather shy boy and since music is the most eloquent form of communication I can muster, I decided to record something for you — as sort of a “reply” to the breathtaking song on your current record. This is what I wanted so badly to tell you in person but could never quite put into words:
Everything about you is beautiful. You’re an immensely charming girl with a wonderful heart and more grace and elegance than I know how to describe. You are a true princess from a dreamy fairy tale; a modern Cinderella. I’m terribly sorry it’s taken me such a long time to reply but I figured Valentine’s Day was the perfect time to write this note to you and simply say… I was enchanted to meet you too.
This is exactly the kind of love letter that accidentally got passed to me in junior high school homeroom. A letter that was folded into the shape of a heart with the words "open me" written on the front. I'd open the letter, read it, take out a pastel pink marker, draw a peen on it, fold it back into a heart and pass it to Taylor.
And here's Adam's slightly reworked version of "Enchanted" which he recorded just for Taylor. File this under: And you didn't think VD could get more nauseating.
TAYLOR! Drop that apple and marry this boy in the pink castle play set that's in your mom's backyard RIGHT AWAY! Taylor will never find a straight dude who is into re-enacting scenes from Disney movies with her, so she needs to put on her pointy princess hat and get on this one-armed prince of cheese right away.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and choke out a cupid.
Esperanza Spalding now has a face to go with all the thousands of "DIE IN A HOLE" text messages that have been bombing her phone ever since she "took"
candy a Grammy from a baby Bieber. This is young Jonah, one of the more mature Beliebers out there, letting out a trail of tears over his teenager losing the Grammy. Esperanza Spalding! You are making the children cry! How dare you make better music than Justin Bieber! HAVE YOU NO HEART?!
Some of you might think it was wrong of Jonah's parents to record the saddest moment in his life and upload it to YouTube, but I'm all for people embarrassing their kids as soon as possible. Every parent should do it. You never know when you'll need ammunition for a future battle. Sometime in the future when Jonah is complaining about how his parents won't let him do something, they can just pull out this video and BOOM. It's over. Seeing your young self crying over the Bieber will render you mute every time.
And there's something about how Jonah keeps calling Justin "his teenager." It's like if Gollum was a child named Jonah and his "precious preeeecious" was a teenager named Justin Bieber. Lord of the.....WRONGS.
This is some shit straight out of the best (or worst, depending on who you ask) episode of Oz. The National Enquirer is saying that O.J. Simpson was on the bad end a good old-fashioned prison yard ass whoopin' and is now shaking like a tire on a speeding Bronco. O.J. is so scared that he refuses to leave his cell. And it all happened because a group of crazed white supremacist motherfuckers heard O.J. openly brag about fucking beautiful white woman after beautiful white woman.
Bruce Fromong, O.J.'s former business partner, tells The Enquirer that the young skinheads circled O.J. in the yard and whooped it fucking up while one of them kicked and punched at him until he blacked out. A bloody O.J. was taken to the infirmary where he spent 3 weeks recovering. O.J. has since returned to his cell, but he's afraid for his life and won't go back into the prison yard anymore. Bitch, you scared.
Officials at Nevada's Lovelock Correctional Center, where O.J. is serving 9 years for armed robbery, had nothing to say about this mess.
The word "KARMA" is probably cumming on your mind right now, but it would've really been karma if he left his glasses in the prison yard and went back to get them only to find an "UH OH" moment waiting for him. There's really nothing more for me to say about this, so I'm just going to go and write an e-mail to the Lovelock Correctional Center asking them to please unite O.J. and the skinheads (that is a really terrifying band name) by forcing them to star in a prison yard performance of Thriller.
Billy Ray Cyrus wishes Mickey Mouse never butt birthed Hannah Montana. Billy Ray Cyrus knows that his parenting report card has a giant F in red on it. Billy Ray Cyrus doesn't put out his hands and collect an allowance check from Miley Cyrus every Friday afternoon. Billy Ray Cyrus feels a spiritual connection to the late Kurt Cobain and says that he was the only one who showed some support while the rest of the music industry laughed at that Achy Breaky Heart crap. Billy Ray Cyrus has a bomb shelter in his backyard. Billy Ray Cyrus could see the Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith tragedies coming a mile away and tried to contact both of them to help. Billy Ray Cyrus is dilapidated feed bag full of crazy. That's just some of the shit that's covered in GQ's 6-page interview with Billy Ray Cyrus. Yes, I read the whole thing. Yes, it made me wish I was listening to Achy Break Heart at full volume instead.
GQ's piece portrays Billy Ray as a lonely and sad-like hillbilly who sits on the front porch of his Tennessee mansion petting at his pet possums head while deep thinking about how fame and fortune was the rusty nail shoved deep into the heart of his family. Billy Ray regrets ever letting his truck stop toddler daughter Miley do Hannah Montana ("DON'T WE ALL?!" - humanity).
Here's the Cliffs Notes version of the forever long southern WOE IS ME howl that Billy let out to GQ. This is like some "hillbilly Grey Gardens" shit:
On Miley's name: "My intuition has told me that that little girl, her name should be Destiny Hope Cyrus, because I feel like it's her destiny to bring hope to the world.'"
On how he's not on Miley's payroll: "For the record, to set it straight, I want to tell you: I've never made a dime off of Miley. You got a lot of people have made percentages off of her. I'm proud to say to this day I've never made one commissioned dollar, or dime, off of my daughter."
On how "he'll take it" for Miley: "Every time something happened in Miley's career, every time the train went off the track, if you will—Vanity Fair,2 pole-dancing,3 whatever scandal it was—her people, or as they say in today's news, her handlers, every time they'd put me... 'Somebody's shooting at Miley! Put the old man up there!' Well, I took it, because I'm her daddy, and that's what daddies do. 'Okay, nail me to the cross, I'll take it....' All those people around, they used me every time. It became so obvious that, man, no matter what happens, they're going to put you up there and let you take the bullet."
On why he didn't go to her 18th barfday party: "You know why I didn't go? Because they were having it in a bar. It was wrong. It was for 21 years old and up. Once again all them people, they all wanted me to fly out so that then when all the bad press came they could say, 'Daddy endorsed this stuff....' I started realizing I'm being used. If I would have went out there I would have been right in the middle of all this stuff that's going on right now with the bong. They'd be hanging it on my ass. I had the common sense... I said, 'This whole thing's falling apart up there and they just want to blame all of this stuff on you again.' I'm staying out of it."
On how Miley's handlers told him to stay out of the bong video mini-scandal: "I didn't know what the footage was. They told me, 'it was none of my business.' I'm dealing with somebody that had only known my daughter for possibly four years, and I'm her daddy. I was pretty damn insulted. And I took that as the ultimate alarm. 'It's none of your business'! None of my business that you're out running around L.A. trying to buy kids' computers and phones because there's something about my daughter...?"
On how he now believes his parenting skills suck: "The business was driving a wedge between us. How many interviews did I give and say, 'You know what's important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids'? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read other parents might say, 'You don't need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.' Well, I'm the first guy to say to them right now: You were right. I should have been a better parent. I should have said, 'Enough is enough—it's getting dangerous and somebody's going to get hurt.' I should have, but I didn't. Honestly, I didn't know the ball was out of bounds until it was way up in the stands somewhere."
On how he thinks Miley is starting to sashay down the "Lindsay Lohan" part of the ho stroll: "I'm scared for her. She's got a lot of people around her that's putting her in a great deal of danger. I know she's 18, but I still feel like as her daddy I'd like to try to help. Take care of her just a little bit, to at least get her out of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm. Stop the insanity just for a minute.
On why his entire family got baptized when they moved to Hollywood: "It was Tish's idea. She said, 'We're going to be under attack, and we have to be strong in our faith and we're all going to be baptized...' And there, driving to work each day in the City of Angels, was this sign. A physical sign. It could have easily said 'You will now be attacked by Satan.' 'Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness...' It's the way it is. There has always been a battle between good and evil. Always will be. You think, 'This is a chance to make family entertainment, bring families together...' and look what it's turned into."
On Hannah Montana: "Oh, it's huge—it destroyed my family. I'll tell you right now—the damn show destroyed my family. And I sit there and go, 'Yeah, you know what? Some gave all.' It is my motto, and guess what? I have to eat that one. I some-gave-all'd it all right. I some-gave-all'd it while everybody else was going to the bank. It's all sad."
On if he regrets Hannah Montana: "I hate to say it, but yes, I do. Yeah. I'd take it back in a second. For my family to be here and just be everybody okay, safe and sound and happy and normal, would have been fantastic. Heck, yeah. I'd erase it all in a second if I could."
Maybe I'm as naive as the pet possum who doesn't think Billy Ray is going to cut its froat and throw it on the barbecue for Tuesday night dinner, but I believe he knows and regrets turning his daughter out for fame and cash. Now if he'll only publicly voice his regrets for that dusty fucking mullet on his head.
And that being said, I'm still slightly more interested in what's in that Taco Party Pack on the counter.