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Zachary Quinto's make-up artist obviously spent hours carefully brushing and deep conditioning the svelte otters over his eyes and didn't have time to make sure that the camera flashes would not catch one of the secrets to his beauty: pressed powder (or whatever the hell that is). I know that it's easy for ones' wrist to go weak while they get lost in the luscious follicles of mink hair clinging to his brow, but that make-up artist had a job to do! Blend that mess.

Quinto's at his big premiere for Margin Call in Berlin with Paul Bettany, Kevin Spacey and Jeremy Irons, and he looks like he just finished reenacting the cokeater scene from Scarface. Or like he just tossed the Pillsbury Doughboy's salad. It's a good thing Jeremy Iron's hot boots were there to slightly take the focus away.

We were all ready for the return of 90s grunge flower D'arcy Wretzky of Smashing Pumpkins, but this isn't what anybody had in mind. Damn. D'arcy is already marinating in a Michigan jail cell on a 6-day sentence after her horses brought that Rolling Stones song to life and she never showed up in court to answer to the charges. And now D'arcy is getting hit with more real shit trouble.

MLive reports that the day before D'arcy was dragged into a jail cell, she crashed her Audi into a retaining wall in a parking lot in South Haven, Michigan at 3 in the morning. The cops happened to be driving by at the time. Ain't that bitch. D'arcy told them that she sort of lost control and before she knew it...her car got into a violent make-out session with a wall that popped up out of nowhere. The cops suspected D'arcy was D'runky so they arrested her and charged her with first-offense drunken driving. D'arcy will face that charge when she's released from jail for the wild horses thing on Tuesday.

Ugh. When it pours, it rains. Or whatever the hell that dumb saying is. I don't know, I'm too busy hoping that D'arcys dark roots escape from her scalp and make a pilgrimage down south to give her brow area some love. Why doesn't this bitch have brows?!

But you know, I shouldn't feel too sorry for D'arcy. She's probably living better than Billy Corgan (despite that whole "not following the law" stuff). I mean, she's got horses, she's driving an Audi, she's getting drunk and she doesn't give a hell in fuck that she's got no eyebrows!

(Thanks Shaunna)

Ever since Ashlee Simpson filed for divorce from Pete Wentz, he's been as sad as the entire flat iron community when he turned his back on them and went totally organic. Pete has been ripping the ass of his skinny jeans apart by getting on his knees and begging Ass to not let their marriage drown in the pool created by his Emo tears. Pete wants his Asshole Simpson back....but she has already moved on. Cold Asshole is cold. So is mine actually, but for a totally different reason.

A source tells Radar that Ashlee and Pete were living completely different lives. Ashlee stayed home with their son Staten Island Baloo while Pete was out softening colons all over the world with his music. The source went on to say, "Pete has been crying a lot to her about this. He is crushed, and does not want it to be over. Ashlee is done, she loves him, but she's ready to move on. When he traveled for work, she had a lot of time to think, and in the end she just felt happier without him. They married really young and have grown apart, she just wants to focus on her child and her career."

ASHLEE SIMPSON IS A HORRIFIC MONSTER! How can she just sit there and watch the emo clown cry drops of Maybelline tar and not feel a thing?! Ashlee's heart is as icy cold as Jessica Simpson's metabolism. Ashlee is going to regret this. She will miss putting a lighter up to Pete's eyeliner pencil every morning. And she will definitely miss grabbing a tub of Crisco and a chainsaw to get Pete out of his skinny jeans every night. Who's going to entertain Ashlee by tucking his peen between his legs and dancing around like a swan before tickling her on the bed (you know that was their idea of a hot Saturday night)?! And put down your hand, Papa Joe! That question was not directed towards your side of the room!

I want to see a staring contest between Liza Minnelli and those nipples (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Dumb Heidi Montag is still dumb - The Superficial

But did J. Edgar Hoover wear Birkenstocks (or whatever those are) with his pajamas? - Lainey Gossip

Now I know who buys all those "classic band t-shirts" at Urban Outfitters - Hollywood Tuna

The X-Men: First Class trailer needs more mutant man nipples - Towleroad

Please, like Hello Kitty isn't already living in the nanny's quarters in Mimi's mansion - Celebitchy

Courtney Cox with a cane - Popoholic

Justin Bieber is a giraffe stencil away from being the lesbian baby member of Alien Nation - TDW

A Hefty cinch bag for your peen - Boston Barstool Sports

The Christian Bale aging timeline - The Berry

Beyonce SANS FARDs, but not sans fur - Popsugar

THROW HER ON DEATH ROW FOR THIS - ICYDK

Does James Franco ever have time to sleep, shit, eat or fap? - Just Jared

Tom Hughes is naked - OMG Blog

Something you can do while sitting on the toilet - Cityrag

Ivanka Trump sexes up St. Barts - Hollywood Rag

Egypt has a job opening and Donald Trump's hair does look like it's been in a sarcophagus for centuries - SOW

Bat Boy is free - I'm Not Obsessed

(Image via Fame Pictures)

I'm mad that I had to see these craft project reject shoes on the feet of a bronzer glazed ham like Ashanti instead of on Lindsay Lohan's coke caked hooves when she showed up to court the other day. Whoever made this mess (probably a renegade member of the Red Hat Society) using an old suede glove, back stock from Chinese Laundry, Barbie earrings and acrylic nails on discount from Sally's Beauty definitely had Lindsay Lohan in mind when they put this shit together. So how did Ashanti get a hold of them? Bitch must've found them in LiLo's dumpster after pulling that dress out of Khloe Kardashian's compost pile nearby.

Is this what it's really come to for Ashanti? Summoning camera clicks at a fashion show by stuffing her overbaked feet into a pair of hideous ass shoes?! I shouldn't be mad at her for this, though. I really shouldn't. Ashanti's career has been telling her to fuck off for years, so it's about time she gets her turn to curse a bitch out. I'm taking it, Ashanti. Although, she couldn't done the same thing by wearing CROCS. Nothing says "fuckit and fuck you" like a pair of silicone devil shoes.

Just in time for NYC Fashion Week! The Peruvian Charo and Jocelyn Wildenstein's spirit animal, La Tigresa Del Oriente, debuted her new fashion collection called "Animal Print" in Peru earlier this week and sadly it's not available in the US...YET. But you can easily replicate these fine couture looks by stealing the ho clothes off the backs of a halfway house hooker, a Latin soap star extra, Noah Cyrus, a gay stripper and Cedric Martinez.

And I'm going to guess that La Tigresa Del Orienta's camel toe action is her strange (and classy) way of showing her support for the revolution in Egypt.

via HSN (Thanks Ana)

One would think that one of the main reasons (among many, I'm sure) why John Travolta is still married to Kelly Preston is so that he can deliver the portrait of heterosexual perfectness to those out there who have yet to get a whiff of his post-sauna man ass breath. That would include trying to act like he sometimes doesn't mind touching her tongue with his when they're out in public. But nope. John Travolta isn't even trying to act. That's what The National Enquirer (via SS) says anyway. Their sources say that at a restaurant recently, Kelly Preston picked at her dinner roll while John Travolta tried to pick up their hot waiter.

When John found out that their waiter is trying to make it in Hollywood, he immediately turned on the moves and went for that shit. The source says, “When John learned his studly server was an aspiring actor, he asked what projects he’d worked on, who represented him, etc. – and then flashed that award-winning smily and asked, ‘Could you give me your phone number? I might be able to help you out’. The waiter told me it really bothered him that Kelly never even looked up at him — not once!”

Kelly is a damn professional! Like she's going to break the straight wall? NEVER! This "pretending to be a loving wife" thing is probably doing wonders for Kelly's acting skills. I bet she doesn't even step out of character for a second when John orders the tossed salad and sausage on a bed of polenta from a hot waiter. Or when he throws her a "mint, please" look after coming back from the men's room with a fresh dick scent on his tongue. Fuck, Juillard! Being John Travolta's wife is how you really sharpen your craft.

Aaron Carter checked into rehab early last month to deal with "emotional" (meaning he got emotional when a bitch tried to take away his pipe) and "spiritual" (meaning he'd get on his knees for a quick hit) issues and now he's back! Aaron completed a 30-day program at Betty Ford and his rep says that he's working on his new album in Florida. This means we'll finally get a soon-to-be #1 hit sequel to "Aaron's Party" called "Aaron's Dry Party."

Aaron's rep wouldn't tell E! Online what the bitch on his back is named (SPOILER ALERT: You can look her up in the yellow pages under METH), but they did say that he can't wait to get back to music.

The big story here is that Aaron Carter was getting treated at the same place as his sweetheart from a million years ago was! Sadly, Aaron and Lindsay Lohan weren't there at the same time. They could've recreated the magical moment above for a new generation. Strangely enough, these two still look like children who were just rescued by the coast guard after spending days surviving on salt water, seaweed, fish shit, saliva and wet gunpowder on a raft in the middle of the ocean.

Charlie Sheen put his at-home rehab treatment on pause for a quick second to visit with the UCLA baseball team yesterday and he gave them a motivational speech that will surely keep their fingers from walking towards the crack pipe. Right before they all laughed at his crack damaged ass, Charlie told the players: "Stay off the crack. Drink a chocolate milk." Here fucking here! Well, unless you're lactose intolerant, suffering from child obesity or got a hernia that don't quit. In that case, stick with the crack.

And this is probably what Nancy Reagan was really trying to say with that "Just Say No" shit.

via TMZ

And no, that declaration was not followed by: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! Noted snatcher and delusion's greatest promoter, Lindsay Lohan, looked all of us in the Twitter eye last night and gave us some for real bullshit written with White Oprah's wet apple Schnapps breath. This is always my favorite part of every episode of Cops. You know, when the officer finds a bag of the bad shit in some crackhead's purse and they say some shit like, "That's not mine! I'm sober! I don't even drink caffeine! Where's that dragon? Why are my veins crying?" That's why I love this work of comedy that LiLo pushed out last night:

Was on the phone with my sister&this movie Greenberg is on, i heard my voice which was odd- and ryhs ifans is watching Just My Luck in the movie- made me laugh.. i just want to be on set again, and left alone to just work! fyi- i would never steal, in case people are wondering. I was not raised to lie, cheat, or steal... also, what i wear to court shouldnt be front page news. it's just absurd. god bless xox L

If LiLo was raised by a pack of junkie wolves, I might believe her. But look at who raised her. White Oprah worships all three of those things. The bitch LIED about being a Rockette, she CHEATED two girls out of their childhoods and she STOLE from fucking Cookie Puss. And no, I don't think people were wondering if she stole that shit. They already know she did.

But LiLo needs to keep the LOLs coming. A few minutes before the one above, she Tweeted this on Twitter (Twitter being the key everything here):

Hello Facebook. Yes, this is actually Lindsay. Welcome to my Facebook page!

Saying "Welcome to my Facebook page" on Twitter is the new "Welcome to my home!"