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Which closeted male small-screen stars, who both have publicly dated actresses and other famous women, got stuck in a deep make-out session with each other at a Super Bowl after-party in Dallas? (Page Six)

Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl, Hunter Parrish from Weeds, Matthew Morrison from Glee and Chord Overstreet from Glee were all in Dallas, so mix those names up as you see fit. Hayden Pantywhatevers was also there with short hair so somebody could've confused her for a hot twink. You might as well throw her in too.

But this is what's supposed to happen there. Dudes makes out with dudes... Man on man action is everywhere... Oh, wait. Am I confusing the Super Bowl with the Super Hole?

Which barely closeted gay male movie actor recently had a passionate affair with a woman while spending time in Europe? (Page Six)

Kevin Spacey....or Richard Simmons (yes, I'm ignoring the male movie actor thing)?

So, if you are this A list movie actress and big award winner, what do you do when your B++ actor significant other cheats on you every chance he gets and you know about it. Apparently you pretend everything is great until he gets publicly caught. At this point he does not even try that hard to hide it. (CDAN)

Not Annette Benning & Warren Beatty (I'm having a deja vu)! Warren Beatty is permanently branded with an A, so I don't think it's him. Maybe Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem? But I think he'd get an A on his fame report card too.

This will be their first Valentine’s Day together, and boy, will he be surprised! He may be responsible for the flowers and dinner, but our actress just had her assistant purchase about $500 worth of gifts to bring some excitement to their private time together. Her purchases included a bizarre mix of items, including a latex catsuit for her and some adult-sized baby wear for him. WTF?! This entertaining couple is very clean-cut and All-American looking, not at all the type you would think would be into this kind of role play. (Blind Gossip)

Bristol Palin and her pipeline worker boyfriend!

A few hints: 1) It's not Punky Brewster. 2) I'd do 'em. 3) My friends and family are about to stage a mental health intervention because of hint #2. That really doesn't narrow it down, right? GO!

D'arcy Wretzky, who was the bassist in Smashing Pumpkins, used to look like this and now she looks like that. No, this is not a picture of D'arcy from the Faces of Meth 2011 calendar. It's D'arcy's mug shot taken after she was arrested and jailed on an outstanding warrant in Michigan. D'arcy's troubles started when a few horses on her farm quit this bitch and ran free through the streets of her neighborhood. The cops ticketed her ass, but she never paid and didn't bother showing up to court. The warrant for her arrest was issued and here we are now.

TMZ reports that the cops brought D'arcy in on Tuesday and she'll have to sit in a cell until this Monday.

Never mind that D'arcy is resting her head on a jail pillow that's as thin as a manila folder for some wild horses shit while Lindsay Lohan is skipping the public streets without a care in the damn world. Never mind that.

Maybe D'arcy's horses mistook her lips for a pair of snakes and they got the spooks! And the cloud of white smoke wafting out of her shed and dancing into their nostrils didn't help. The most depressing thing about all of this is that D'arcy let her eyebrows go.....

So the Annie remake is happening. Will Smith is producing it. Willow Smith is going to star in that mess. Your childhood might have fleas in its eyes from weeping into the back of the neck of a mangy alley dog. Get ready to weep some more, because Willow says that she really wants Brad Pitt to adopt her ass onscreen and play Daddy Warbucks. Willow really needs to stop whipping her hair, because her train of thought derailed and crashed right into Fuckeryville. From Access Hollywood:

Access Hollywood asked 10-year-old Willow – star of the upcoming remake – who she wants to play Oliver “Daddy” Warbucks and she’s hoping “the sun will come out tomorrow” on one of Hollywood’s biggest stars.

“Brad Pitt!” she told Access at Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never” premiere on Monday night in Los Angeles.

As for details on the project, which dad Will Smith is producing with Jay-Z and Sony Pictures, the young star stayed tight-lipped.

“We’re just going to have to wait for that! You’re just going to have to wait,” she said.

As I've said before, the original Annie sucks, but still. Brad Pitt?! I really hope Willow is thinking Brad Pitt as Benjamin Button as Daddy Warbucks. Now, that shit I'd see. Better yet, they should just do the nepotism version and cast Shiloh as Daddy Warbucks, Suri Cruise as Miss Hannigan, and Kingston Rossdale as Rooster! It's where Hollywood is going anyway. "The sun will come out tomorrooooooow...and if it doesn't my daddy will fucking buy me a new one!"

Despite shooting a tiny cameo in Jennifer Aniston's movie Just Go With It, Heidi Montag says that she was put on the blacklist for the NYC premiere earlier this week. Heidi tells UsWeekly that Jennifer Aniston banned her. Oh, Jennifer, if this is your way of getting us to really, really, REALLY, really like you, it's working! Keep it up and let the Kardashians shoot a cameo in your next movie. But back to Talking Heidi. Heidi thinks that Jennifer didn't want her stealing all spotlights.

"I'm so upset. I was so excited! This is the first movie I've ever been in and I can't walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was 'too polarizing.'

I've been such a huge Jennifer Aniston fan my entire life and it's just really upsetting that she would do this to me. She should know how hard it is to make a career for yourself and to have someone like Jennifer Aniston go out of her way to make things hard for me is really disheartening."

Heidi does realize that "polarizing" doesn't mean "fucking annoying as fuck fuck", right? But really, Jennifer Aniston denies she got Heidi banned and I believe her. Jennifer's Baby Alive is made of less plastic than Heidi and she loves it so. Heidi is just like a Baby Alive except sluttier looking and with bigger boobs. Jennifer would never deny a Baby Alive. My guess is that Heidi is just talking bullshit as usual and the real story is that she couldn't get a flight to NYC. Every time Heidi tried to get past the TSA, they'd stop her, poke at her a few times, pick her up, shake her and then throw her in a bin. When Spencer Pratt yelled at them, they pointed at the "NO EMPTY PLASTIC BOTTLES" sign. Rules are rules, Heidi!

Zac Efron is like, "DAAAAAAAMN. What brand of waterproof mascara are you using here, Vanessa?" - Hollywood Tuna

Is Blake Lively trying to match the carpet? - Lainey Gossip

Sofia Vergara SANS FARDS - The Superficial

Brooklyn Decker on Sports Illustrated (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Chelsea Clinton's half-a-year-old marriage might be done, but more importantly...CYNDI LAUPER'S FACE!!! - Celebitchy

A "thank you" note that nobody wants - Towleroad

Two words: baby rapist - TDW

And here's some Diego Luna for you - The Berry

If Danielle Staub's clitoris was pumped with steroids and took on a life of its own - Popoholic

Tracy Anderson is terrifying - Popsugar

Jennifer Aniston is happy - ICYDK

I didn't know Kat Stacks got her own Barbie doll - Just Jared

Kathy Griffin's lifelong EGOT campaign takes her ass to Broadway - OMG Blog

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller aren't divorced yet? - I'm Not Obsessed

Jennifer Anstion's Precious Moments collection is moving on up! - Moe Jackson

Stars with VD - Cityrag

Valley of the NO - Hollywood Rag

Prince William and Kate Middleton can kindly step aside, because the royal wedding march that is playing right now is meant for 85-year-old Duchess de Alba and her groom-to-be Alfonso Díez! Spain Review reports that the powdery dandelion will marry Alfonso this September making him her third husband. Duchess de Alba is one of Spain's most richest people and she owns the most land in the country, so she's forced Alfonso to sign a prenup in the blood of her grandson Voldemort.

An official confirmation has not been delivered by doves from the House of de Alba, but at a fashion event in Sevilla, the duchess answered "si" when somebody asked her if she was marrying Alfonso this fall. And we should also wait for the official announcement from the British royal family stating that William and Kate's wedding has been postponed indefinitely. Kate Middleton knows she can't compete. The title of "Most Beautiful Bride of 2011" has already been claimed by the duchess even though the field mice have yet to complete her wedding gown using the finest cobwebs and lace.

And you might as well start updating your address book now since it's going to take you a few months. The Duchess de Alba's full name will change from:

María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay

to:

María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay Díez

The 9-inch dick of names! It just rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls off your tongue.

(Thanks Sue)

That is a brow raise that shot through the clouds and knocked the saints up in heaven right off their chairs. Patti LaBelle didn't care who she hurt when she brought out her matte lacquered boomerang brows at the Heart Truth runway show during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in NYC last night. The last time I saw a look like that, The Little Mermaid ended up MUTE and bow-legged. But Patti proved that she's too hot for herself, because her bladder started to boil over and tried to make a run for it! If you can't stand the heat, get out through the COOCH-EN. And on that terrible note, I'm getting off the damn stage.

Here's more of Patti giving soul-snatching looks last night with the likes of: Oprah's favorite patty cake partner, Krissy Snow, some lovely light-skinned African American woman, Camila Alves, Giuliana Rancid, Eve and Dita Von Teese.

In a mirrored dance studio somewhere in Beverly Hills, Camille Grammer is doing the Cabbage Patch while a shower of $100 bills fall all around her. Camille can finally cut a 6-figure check and buy her "best friend" Nick from his wife now that her divorce is final and Kelsey Grammer has filled her wheelbarrow and shovel with $30 to $50 million dollars. Camille also has enough money to buy her original face back! Please buy your original face back, Camille, because your current one always scares my candles.

TMZ is the first to bring us the news that Kelsey and Camille's methed up divorce has successfully sprinted to the finish line just in time for him to marry the future ex-Mrs. Grammer, Kayte Walsh. Kelsey lit a flame under divorce's ass, because he wanted to be rid of Camille as soon as possible so that he can slip a ring on Kayte's finger in a couple of weeks. Sources say that Camille didn't want the future Mrs. Grammer to get her piece of Kelsey's pension so he posted $2.3 million to make sure this doesn't happen. A source also claims that Kelsey and Camille will divide their properties later.

I didn't mean what I typed above about Camille's current face. Not only is Camille always telling me in a British man accent that I can save 15% on my car insurance, but she's the epitome of beautiful. And now that she has her wings back, she can rise from the ashes of her burnt down marriage and fly fly fly. While she's flying around, who's going to tell her nanny staff of 4 that their salary has been cut in half now that Kelsey isn't signing their checks?

If you believe unverified rumors from unnamed sources, then give ScarJo a "now that's how you rebound the ho way" clap for allegedly getting with Justin Long, Kidd Kraddick and Jason Sudomeorwhatever in the span of a few weeks after her split from Ryan Reynolds. And now Sean Penn's name has been added to that list. A source is saying that 26-year-old ScarJo exfoliated the skin on her chichis by rubbing all over Sean Penn's 50-year-old sunburnt sandpaper carcass. It all went down in ScarJo's bungalow at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. early last month.

A source type tells UsWeekly that ScarJo's relationship with Sean Penn first bloomed when she told him she was interested in doing charity work in Haiti with Oxfam. Since Sean is a regular fixture in Haiti, ScarJo knew she should ask him about it. And since talk of natural disasters, famine and tragedy regularly leads to sexy times, before they knew it, ScarJo was riding on Sean until her big titties smacked the coke boogers right out of his nose.

However, ScarJo's rep has taken out her left breast and slapped this rumor in the name of TRUTH.

You know, I still believe this. Sean Penn's strongest personality traits are RAGEY and CRAZY, and we all know those two things are usually the main ingredients in a good fuck (Mel Gibson excluded). And Sean Penn is attracted to ScarJo, because she has two built-in emergency flotation devices that will never EVER spring a leak. Sean Penn can leave his plastic cup at home!