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I was wondering why Natalie Portman thanked Michelle Rodriguez* in her never-ending acceptance speech of never-ending thank yous last night, but now I know why. Natalie's unborn baby is the reincarnation of Nostradamus and told her that Michelle Rodriguez would dress jack Noah Cyrus and stomp through the night in some silver ho shit: boudoir edition. I want to get on a stage myself and thank Michelle for this elegant mess.

MRod is a butch bitch who usually only wears black leather, gun holsters, pocket knives, boxer briefs, a jock strap and a serious snarl, so I'm surprised to see her wearing vintage Victoria's Secret (and by vintage I mean like 2002).

You know that by the end of the night, Michelle had that skirt hiked over her bagina and downed a Bud while sitting spread eagle like a bow-legged trucker getting a $2 lap dance.

* Yes, I know Natalie Portman thanked a different Michelle Rodriguez, but let me believe.

If you're about to get into a bowl of Pintos 'N Cheese or a bean enchilada, you better just back it up and stay far away from this post until you let out your last digestive burp. Okay, now that we've gotten that shit out of the way, here's some more shit for you! This is 28-year-old Abram Boise. You might know his fool ass from Road Rules: South Pacific and about a million of those Real World/Road Rules shows. If you're a potty training teacher, you might also meet Abram when he comes to you for a refresher course.

The Worcester Telegram says that Abram busted at 2am near a bar in Lunenburg, MA for being a loud drink who can't keep his urine in his bladder when out in public. My dog pisses on walls in broad daylight so why can't Abram? But the police didn't see it that way and they brought him in. Abram wasn't done taking the piss out of himself, because the officer said that he did a Fergie in his cell. So they moved in to another cell, and that's when the shit the fan. Or should I say, the shit hit the wall.

Once in his new cell, Abram celebrated being in his new home by squeezing out a Jersey Shore in his hands and smearing that shit (I mean it in the literal sense this time) all over the walls. The officer said that Abram is a regular Poopcasso, because he wrote his name with his own shit. Abram was charged with pissing in public and being an overall nasty scat bitch. Abram isn't even embarrassed about his acts of grashiti. Abram Tweeted (but later deleted) this mess:

just gout of jail…Loved it…I yelled and kicked their door for hours…Didn’t back down…Tried to stuff poop in his face:)

Cops were assholes tried to mace me in my cell.So I shit in my hand& thew it at him :) fuck the police

Threw his shit at them? Tried to feed him caca? Did he take self-defense classes from monkeys or the girls from 2 girls, 1 cup? I've been filled to the top of my head with DRUNK and I don't think I ever thought about squatting over my hands and... I take that back, there was that one time in Palm Springs...

And just the record, I WOULD NOT! Okay, maybe I would, but only if he kept a wine cork in his shit hole.

Jane Russell, one of the last jewels of Old Hollywood, died at her home in Santa Maria, CA today and is now ogling at the biceps on angels up in heaven. Jane's daughter-in-law tells Reuters that she died of respiratory problems. Jane was 89 years old.

Reuters says that Jane got her big break when Howard Hughes put her in his movie The Outlaw, because of her magnificent 38-D chichis. The Outlaws wasn't released until 3 years after it was shot, because censors just wouldn't let Jane's breasts be great. Jane went on to star in a bunch of westerns including Belle Starr. But Jane is best known for the movie that I used to watch on AMC every time it came on: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. After that, Jane was in something called Gentlemen Marry Brunettes! I have never heard of this shit before, but now it's sitting in the middle of my Netflix queue.

And while searching for quotes about Jane's life, I came across this story about how she once proudly declared that she's a "mean-spirited, narrow-minded, right-wing Christian bigot." On that note, rest in peace, Jane. And thanks for this:

Wearing a thick layer of stearic acid to protect his skin from melting into a puddle on the sand, Calvin Klein dragged his body through the beach in Miami yesterday with his former porn star piece Nick Gruber at his side. They look like the centerfolds of a Dorian Gray swimsuit calendar. Like the after & before victim of the thinner curse.

Even though Calvin's body has probably been sucked, pinched, prodded and stuffed by the hands of a dozen plastic surgeons and morticians, the old ho is still looking good from the neck down for being 68 years old.

As for Nick, I'm surprised that Calvin has kept him around this long. Nick is 21 and that's usually when a sugar daddy starts to smell the old in their sugar baby's veins and trades him in for a younger piece. But Nick must be doing something right and I can't hate him for that. Shit, if the Creature of the Black Lagoon's grandpa gave me a debit card and the key to his penthouse, I'd snort a line of Dramamine, gargle with holy water and get on that.

But Selena Kay Letourneau wrote him a tardy letter to take to his guardians, so it was all good. At the Vanity Fair post-Oscar party last night, the sparkling Pedialyte started flowing as soon as the Portia and Ellen of the playground set strolled through the front doors and caused all eyes to fall on them. And by "all eyes," I mean all 3 of Vadge's, because ho gives the stare as soon as she smells virgin toddler blood. But Justin Bieber didn't seem to be bothered by Vadge sniffing on his goods to confirm that sure he's of pure blood. The Bieb stayed with Selena most of the night and held her hand. Okay.

Once again, Selena is 18 years old and Bieber is 16. Why didn't Chris Hansen parachute in, blow the whistle and instruct the FBI to drag Selena into the pedo van for booking? Not because I think she should, but because I really want to see Bieber break down into sad toddler tears while watching officers take his cougar girlfriend away. Speaking of sad tears...

In case you've ever wanted to get inside the head of a BELIEBER, check into a mental health facility now. But if you're already in one and want to go deeper, here's a video of Justin Bieber throwing subtle shade at the hands that spoon feed him.

My favorite part is when they tell Pedolena Gomez that she's so beautiful, and she can't even muster out a "thank you." Even PedoBear has manners!

On Twitter I said that Cate Blanchett's dress looks like My Little Pony's genital warts. But now that I look at it a second time, it looks more like My Little Pony's coagulated cum shot. And in a sea of BORING, Cate's dress was my hands down favorite - Popsugar

Justin Timberlake gives doucheface, Jessica Biel gives manface and Cameron Diaz gives stonedface at Vanity Fair's thing last night - Lainey Gossip

If Leelee Sobieski got Sports Illustrated-ized - The Superficial

Katie Price wasn't at the Oscars last night but she is putting the ASS in ascot (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

And at the end of the night, Mila Kunis smoked up those lace things on her chest - Hollywood Tuna

The only thing worse than the Oscars is this mess of a Grease skit that was cut - Towleroad

Sharon Stone suffocated a vulture with her thighs, tore off a buffalo's ass with her teeth and threw both pieces on her shoulder without ruining her hair - Celebitchy

The moment Auto Tune closed its own coffin door - TDW

I think I'm the only one that liked ScarJo's freshly fucked hair - Popoholic

You know how they say swans always fly out of Hugh Jackmeoff's ass? Well, I think one crashed into his wife's knees and didn't live to tell the tale - Just Jared

The ensemble on the lady behind Amy Adams is full of YES! But Amy Adams ensemble is full of NO HO NO - ICYDK

Quentin goes down - I'm Not Obsessed

After all their troubles with assholes, Sandra Bullock and Halle Berry have finally decided to come over to the gayelle side - Cityrag

Harvey Price couldn't make it to Elton John's Oscar party so Katie Price pushed up her tits to the size of his head in his honor - Hollywood Rag

Penelope Cruz needed coke on her nose and a mangy fur coat and she would've looked exactly like her glamorous character from BLOW - Celebslam

Stan Rosenfield would like to keep the hair he has left safe from Charlie Sheen's fire-breathing fists, so he has joined the mound of maggot trolls by leaving the octagon for good. As his former client would say, Stan is definitely WINNING. Well, he'll start WINNING as soon as he comes down from his Charlie Sheen addiction by spending the day with Jon Cryer (nothing will take you to a new level of soberness like watching Jon iron his socks and organize the flavored oatmeal in his pantry).

TMZ says that right after their backyard interview with Charlie, Stan wrote his own pink slip and said that he cares about him very much but, "I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned."

During Charlie's interview with TMZ he confessed that Stan lied for him during the whole "locked up hooker" scandal by saying that he was suffering from allergies when we all knew that he had a major case of coke fever.

Here's the first part of TMZ's ongoing Conversations with a Crackie series starring Charlie Sheen, his goddesses and Afro Sheen. Basically, it's a bunch of Friday characters who ended up on the cutting room floor.

And here's part two!

This is the first time I've actually been happy to see a Winnie the Pooh cookie jar. Too bad Charlie uses it as an ash tray and a condom can. Actually, Winnie might be into that sucio shit. WINNIE-ING!

Knowing very well that Paula Deen's tongue can scrape the butter out of every nook and cranny, Food Network's Robert Irvine smeared fermented cream all over his hard biscuits and let Fry Daddy's sweetheart go hog wild on that shit at the South Beach Food & Wine Festival this past weekend. After Paula feverishly licked those abs like a fat boy eating ice cream in the rain and caused Robert's innie to seal shut for the rest of the day, she put his spine to the test by bareback riding him all around the stage.

Ride that hot bull, Paula! Who cares if Robert will need physical therapy for a broken back and mental therapy for the image of you on your knees in front of him. GET. IT.

And I really don't need to tell you what happened after Paula "accidentally" poured shrimp juice on Robert's crotch.

After watching Melissa Leo's acceptance speech at the Oscars last night for the third time, it seems like she practiced it for hours beforehand in front of the bathroom mirror in her hotel suite and made her assistant shine a flashlight at her in lieu of a spotlight. When Melissa looked up at the "little people" in the balcony with the same wide-eyed look I throw when there's a 9-inch peen in front of me (in my dreams), I thought Toto was going to scamper out on stage and she'd break into an acoustic version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." If those kids didn't claim that song for the finale, she would've. Laying it on thick! Seriously, Melissa is like the mobile park version of Mindy Grayson.

Before snatching the walking apparatus from a fragile and precious invalid (aka Kirk Douglas), Melissa shot the fuck word at the audience. ABC hit the 'THINK OF THE CHILDREN" button and so it was bleeped out for TV, but here's the uncensored clip below:

Kathie Lee Gifford, who is forever the epitome of grace and class, couldn't believe that Melissa would spit out such filth during her big moment. To which I say, why the fuck not! a) Sometimes our internal emotions are percolating so much that the only way to get them out is through the letters F-U-C-K. b) A fuck gets more attention than a no fuck.

Melissa apologized later backstage saying that she was so overcome with emotion: “I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Just slipped out. I was a little excited.”

Fun fact: That little quote is the exact same thing Kevin Spacey said after pulling down his fly in front of Jake Gyllenhaal backstage.

But Melissa should really apologize for wearing your memaw's favorite Easter doily table runner under your old Christmas wrapping.

Here's more of Melissa Leo's crazy ass as well as the other acting winners from last night (click here for the full list if you haven't already memorized it).

Lady Caca can have the silicone Klingon wishbones on her forehead, but the original Madonna is showing her how to keep it simply elegant by lifting, separating and stuffing her 52-year-old labia into a one-piece that a trampy granny wears when the plumber comes to visit. MONA ROBINSON, eat this!

This is the kind of hot outfit that Blanche Devereaux wore to give a dying lover his last rites, among other things. And Vadge pairing it with a vest made of Baby Jesus' conditioned nut hairs was a good move.

Here's more of Madge bringing her vadge out of hibernation and flashing her first-degree Joan Rivers face with Lourdes at Vanity Fair's post-Oscar party last night. And the Miss Cleo in me can read your thoughts. Why would Lourdes be embarrassed? Just like us, she's used to her mom dressing like a horny old ho.