DAMN! Brad Pitt is looking hotter than ever. Who said that a fedora doesn't make the hot piece? - Popsugar
Gymboree is making grey peacoats now? - Lainey Gossip
Charlize Theron's got a Batman head on her dress - Hollywood Tuna
"Hey dad, if you hear your daughter screaming Justin Bieber's name in her bedroom, take that as a scream for help and have her committed immediately." - The Superficial
Brad Pitt wasted a cheeseburger that he should've given to St. Angie's malnourished ass - Celebitchy
Scout Willis' ass looks like two blind manatees trying to kiss - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Brokeback Perry - Towleroad
Picture #1: Marry, Punch, Fuck - The Berry
I wonder which flavor Charlize Theron's Fruit Rollup dress is? - Popoholic
But who is going to play Taylor Armstrong in the Lifetime movie version of her book? My vote goes to Iggy Pop. - ICYDK
Baby got swag - Cityrag
Claire Danes is looking very "middle-aged single mother from Florida who regularly gets arrested for drunkenly humping the breakfast bar at IHOP." What I'm trying to say is, Claire Danes has never looked hotter - Just Jared
Making meth at Walmart? Now THIS is the America I know and love - The Daily What
SPOILER ALERT: They're both bottoms - OMG Blog
Remember when Nicole Richie looked like she needed UNICEF's help and now she's at one of their fancy balls! - Hollywood Rag
Because nothing is more exciting than a TRAMPOLINE!!! rolling down the sidewalk - Videogum
Men's Health should really drug test their readers before they allow them to vote - I'm Not Obsessed
- Keanu Reeves takes the Q train....in August...when most of the subway smells like a used maxi pad baking inside of a warm armpit.
- When Keanu Reeves isn't Sad Keanu, he's Gentlemanly Keanu, because he's quick to politely give his seat to a lady in peril (aka a lady carrying a big ass bag).
- The lady in peril obviously doesn't know that KEANU REEVES!!! just gave her his seat, because any another person would've declined his request and told him to stay sitting. Then they would've taken off their pants, sat on his lap and asked him to hold them tight so the BOOM doesn't hurt. If Keanu is taking public transportation, you better believe there's a bomb on that bitch.
Good Morning America gave you a visual answer to the question "What would an interview with a caveman statue from the Museum of Natural History look like?" when they interviewed Kris Humphries today. Despite the fact that GMA pretty much promoted this interview as "Kris Humphries finally breaking his silence on his marriage to Kim Kardashian," he wanted to talk about anything but the butt. Kris was there to bust out brain farts about basketball, basketball, baking cookies with his mom, basketball and basketball. But GMA's Josh Elliott could give a Khloe Kardashian dingle about basketball and kept bringing up his joke of a fake marriage.
This interview was almost more uncomfortable than me watching the nurse try to keep a straight face while asking me a bunch of questions before my STD test. Since I know you don't want to sit through a 5-minute video of Josh Elliott and Kris Humphries talking from totally different pages, here's the transcript. I typed it out word for word:
Josh: So Kris, how's it going?
Josh: What has this experience been like?
Josh: A lot of people found the divorce filing shocking. What did you think when she did it?
Josh: You responded by filing for a legal separation and an annulment. What do you hope the court will decide in regard to the annulment?
Josh: Do you still love her?
Josh: What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Josh: Kris, tell me, what one object would give a more exciting interview than you?
Josh: Thanks for that, Kris. Who would you rather? Kris Jenner or a basketball?
Josh: Just one more question before I let you go, Kris. Your IQ is that of a....
Josh: Wait, wait, just one more thing. Please don't say the word "basketball" again. PLEASE! I beg of you.
Josh: Thank you!
A source tells TMZ that as soon as the interview ended, Kris was whining about how he felt he was set up. Kris only agreed to go on GMA after they promised to only stick to questions about basketball, his obesity foundation and cookies (nobody tell Kris that cookies and obesity aren't exactly friends). But a rep for GMA says they made it clear during the pre-interview that there would be no rules.
Is Kris stupid enough to think that GMA's focus wasn't going to be about his marriage to Kim Karkrashian? Wait. Here's a better question: Am I stupid enough to actually ask that last question after watching Kris be the epitome of dumb during that interview above?
Lindsay Lohan and Playboy jumped Marilyn Monroe's image in a back alley and all of the pictures from that tragic event have already leaked a week before they're supposed to come out. You can get it (NSFW) here, here, and here. It's way beyond Photoshop. It's a blond Pete Burns painted in velvet. If the Chinese guy at my deli, splattered himself in orange paint and threw a dusty white wig on his head, he'd look more like Lindsay Lohan than Lindsay Lohan does. Those pool noodle lips (the ones on her face) looked better on the Rocky Horror Picture Show poster.
As WOW Report said, "It's Amanda Lepore!" Well, Amanda Lepore with disappearing nipple plates.
(Thanks to Chelsea and Jonathan)
On Wednesday, Sinead O'Connor announced out of nowhere that she's celebrating her 45th birthday by marrying her boyfriend of a minute Barry Herridge. There was a part of me that figured that hard-up Sinead was just riding high after finding a dude who really gets into the difficult brown and once she came down from the ass sex euphoria, she'd cancel her wedding plans. But nope. Sinead went through with it and married Barry in a Pink Cadillac parked inside of The Little Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas yesterday. If that last sentence convinced you to throw Sinead's name in as a contender to beat Kim Kuntrashian's shortest marriage of 2011 record, then this might keep you from doing otherwise: BARRY'S A THERAPIST! Barry probably has access to good meds and he's not afraid of a little poop noodle. This love will last forever. Here's what Sinead wrote on her site this morning:
Dear friends... amongst whom I include whomever may be reading this with a view to writing about the glorious marriage.
Am blogging this cus media people are naturally seeking me.
On sunday I will put up blog on whole day. Too glorious for words.
For now though, as you will appreciate, it's a bit of a 'Can't. Talk. Cock. In. Mouth'. Situation.
Speaking of cock in mouth, is it just me or does the new Mr. O'Connor look like the gay-for-pay hooker from Revenge after giving head to a helium tank and swallowing all of the gas? Oh, that doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter that Mr. O'Connor just made my gaydar meter shut down before leaking out Irish cream. Sinead is smiling like her no-no is about to eat some Irish peen and that's all that really matters.
Is X-Factor always as dramatic as a Mexican funeral? Everybody's crying like they're about to bury somebody. Damn. I don't watch this anymore, but I'm about to slip it into my queue again, because this is the kind of theatrics I like to tuck myself in with at night. In case you didn't watch this emotional disaster last night either, let me set up this mess of a clip for you. Last night's elimination came down to 13-year-old Rachel (Simon's contestant) and Marcus (L.A. Reid's contestant). Simon gave his pink slip to Marcus, L.A. gave his slip to Rachel, Paula gave hers to Marcus and when it came time for that dumb ass Nicole Shitsinger to pick who she thinks should go home, she locked up.
Nicole made the same face she's going to make in a couple of months when she's cleaning up her dressing room after Simon fires her ass for being absolutely useless. Nicole gets paid way too much money to judge a singing show and this ho couldn't even push a vote out of her mouth. Nicole told Rachel and Marcus that this is so hard for her, because she's been up there before. This bottom of the barrel Apollonia impersonator can't be serious. BITCH, you were on The WB Popstars and I think I'm the only one who remembers that (and the only one who owns an Eden's Crush CD). Nicole couldn't decide, so she forced the vote into deadlock by voting for Rachel. The elimination was then up to the public's vote and they voted that 13-year-old Rachel needs to exit stage left. They voted the child out. What happened next was like a Real Housewives meltdown as seen through the eyes of Zeffirelli. That shit should be an opera!
Rachel fell to the floor, got back up and cried to her mom, "Mommy, you promised!" There is a special line at the entrance to Hell for people who laugh at children crying, so I will see you there. Rachel definitely deserves a few Emmys for this, but a special award should go to Nicole for her impressive mime work. I mean, wiping away those invisible tears? Charlie Chaplin is slow clapping up in heaven as I type this.
What a mess. Nicole Scherzinger not only stole Apollonia's entire act, but now she's murdering the dreams of children? Send her to the guillotine!
I don't know what I did to deserve this, but somehow this attack on my eyeballs landed in my inbox and now you'll have to suffer with me. Garbage Pail Whore and self-proclaimed beard slut, Ke$hit, squatted on top of Tumblr and queefed out her own site putyourbeardinmymouth.tumblr.com (not to be confused with John Travolta's Put Your Beard Away gentlemen's club down in the Scientology sauna). Ke$ha is a serious beard lover (not to be confused with the name of Bradley Cooper's Serious Beard Lover appreciation page on Facebook) and her Tumblr is devoted to picture of beards including this one of her giving a beard job (not to be confused with the name of Renee Zellweger's employment agency). This shit looks like Ke$ha going down on Robin Williams or eating out a pre-shaven Khloe Kardashian. (Actually, this is more like a post-shaven Khloe Kardashian since I'm sure this is what her 5 o'clock pussy shadow looks like.)
I know that on the list of disgusting things Ke$ha has put in her mouth, chin pubes is at the very bottom, but bitch still ain't right for giving me the sudden sensation to pull sweaty nutsack hairs out of my mouth.
In a desperate bid to keep up with the Kardashians, some fans are adding asses to their foreheads. - kate773
Ever since Ashton left, Demi hasn't been able to control the girls. - Frank N. Beans
Still more natural looking than Courtney Stodden. - gina latina
On Extreme Dieters: Dumbass Edition, the latest eating disorder involves shoving chicken legs and baked potatoes up the nose, then having half the fat and calories drained before absorption occurs. - Spaz de la Whoreta
Welcome to Florida, where a video of a trickster squirrel pulling a fire alarm is real news. (Note: I shouldn't say shit, because in New York, the local news' top story for three days has been Alec Baldwin getting kicked off that plane for refusing to curb his Words with Friends fix.)
School officials at Blackburn Elementary in Palmetto, FL recently reviewed security camera footage from the day they had a false fire alarm, because the local fire department was about to throw a fine at their asses. What they found is this sneaky ass squirrel climbing up a wall to pull the alarm. The squirrel has been squatting in the school's kitchen for months. They have since caught the squirrel, and let's just say, that if your kid goes to Blackburn Elementary, you might want to tell them to stay away from the "chicken" nuggets. No. The school says they released that squirrel back into the wild.
Where the hell was this squirrel when I was in school? I had to give the performance of my life to get out of class. I had to basically channel Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas by moaning about how my stomach is about to explode out of my asshole and shit. And this squirrel just has to sashay in and pull a fire alarm? I guess there comes a time in every dumb bitch's life when they realize that a squirrel is smarter than them. I bet that squirrel just smoked a joint in the boys bathroom and wanted to give the weed smoke some time to clear so he caused a diversion. Well played, squirrel.
And a clip of a furry squirrel pulling on a bright red knob is the closest I'll ever get to watching a Prince Hot Ginge sex tape, right?
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