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The only thing about to say about these pictures of The Lesbeaver and Selena Gomez in Los Cabos, Mexico today is: JORTS!!! Okay, I have another thing to say: ARMPIT WIG!!! (There's no way he grew that on his own.) Now I'm going to clear my cache and give my laptop a bleach bath.

Here's the teaser trailer for The Farrelly Brothers' Three Stooges movie starring Sean Hayes, Will Sasso, Chris Diamantoplosomething, Sofia Vergara, Jane Lynch and JHud, and I tried to find one good thing to say about this mess, but there's nothing. Yes, Snooki gets poked (as usual), but even that moment is ruined because it stars fucking Snooki. I can't find one good thing.

It's like this one time when I hooked up with some trick on Gay.com (don't do that) and went to his house not knowing anything about him (don't do that). He looked nothing like his pictures, his apartment was the size of an asshole, it smelled like old milk and nearly every single wall was covered with some kind of reptile in a glass aquarium. It was like Courtney Stodden's family tree. It was horrific. That entire bleak scene made every picture on (NSFW) Lurid Digs look like it came out of Architectural Digest. I should've found a way to get diarrhea on the spot and run out of there. But when you're a shameless slut, you do some fucked up shit for dick. Even ugly dick. Usually I can find one good thing to focus on, but I couldn't this time. There was nothing. The apartment was a nightmare, his face was a nightmare, the smells were a nightmare and those amphibian creatures staring at me were a nightmare. Then when he got naked, he had the hairiest ass I've ever seen. It looked like a wet bear with a perm wearing a llama coat. But I did it anyway and when his ass started to bob up and down, I suddenly became afraid for my life! I was convinced those reptiles would mistake his bouncing hairy ass for a vulnerable chinchilla and then they'd break out of their glass cages to eat it. And in the process of eating that chinchilla ass, they'd eat me too. You know how much it would suck for my mother to have to tell people that her son was eaten by a reptile on the floor of some trick's studio apartment in Herald Square? That would've been the worst. Never again.

I don't know how The Three Stooges trailer made me bring up that story, but the fact that it did means that nothing good can come out of it.

Kate Babyinthemiddleton? Maybe. Probably not. - The Superficial

Kristen Wiig gets to twirl her tongue all around Fabrizio Moretti's luscious curl bush - Lainey Gossip

Christina Hendricks is dressed like a middle-aged private school nurse going to a "wild" Christmas party and I don't mind - Hollywood Tuna

Something is wrong with this picture.... Katie Price came to America and she brought her best ho shit ensembles yet she left Harvey Price at home? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Angie Jo's lips take over Marie Claire - The Berry

THIS CRAZY BITCH AGAIN? - Towleroad

Rob Lowe's nipples for the California Tourism Board - Celebitchy

Colonel Potter is with the angels now - The Daily What

And everyone in the room got really uncomfortable when Tommy Girl started deepthroating the mic - Just Jared

Kim Richards is practically living in one of the boxes she's always packing up - ICYDK

I just to want to rip the back scarf off of Rachel McAdams' dress and play fancy jumprope with it - Popoholic

I think I'd rather see pictures of Burt Reynolds and Robyn Lively kissing - Popsugar

Nicole Scherminger is the best beard Derek Hough could find?! - Celebslam

PEEN CONTEST! My vote goes to Derek as long as that shit is dick cheese-free - OMG Blog

Rock and roll kindergarten - Cityrag

Olivia Wilde and January Jones' Not Baby Daddy might be doing it - I'm Not Obsessed

Karina Smirnoff Ice's face looks like it's about to melt onto the carpet - Hollywood Rag

Yet Essence failed to Photoshop Queen Latifah's wonk wonk eye - Crunk + Disorderly

We've already seen what Teddy Bear can do with a corn on the cob (Yes, I am fully well aware that sounds like the worst opening act of a Tijuana donkey show ever!), now let's see what he can do with a pumpkin. SPOILER ALERT: Teddy Bear is so much more into pumpkin than corn. Bitch gets prickly (GONG me and feed me to Teddy Bear, I deserve it.) and curses the camera out in a thick Ewok accent. This is exactly what Snooki sounds like when you tap on her shoulder while she's raw humping an ottoman at 3am.

Teddy Bear is a straight-up greedy ass bitch, but I still want to put on several layers of chainmail armor and hug him until it hurts.

via The Daily What

Lindsay Lohan will unveil her nappy dugout (as shot by Playboy) on Ellen a week from tomorrow, but somebody has already leaked the cover. The way they took that picture makes it look like they're about to do a line of the wrong stuff off of it, which weirdly enough is what most Lohans will use their copy for. "Baby, I think I just snorted your nipple up! Hehehee!" is going to come out of the mouth of a Lohan more times than it should this holiday season. Cover your ears, Nana Lohan.

And let's all bow our heads to mourn the computers that gave their lives to Photoshop this cover.

via ONTD

Pure sea jasper, Red Bull, fake tanner, a Baccarat crack pipe, leggings with secret crotch pockets for stolen jewelry, Fix-A-Flat lip injections and the hole in the California Justice System she keeps fucking raw are just a few of the loves of Lindsay Lohan's life and you can add a kicking and screaming Heath Ledger to that list whether he likes it or not. Star Magazine (via Radar) somehow magically found Lindsay Lohan's private diaries in their paws and they may or may not have signed a scribbled contract on a T.G.I. Friday's cocktail napkin stating that they will not disclose that White Oprah sold it them for a few Mohegan Sun gambling chips and a grey goose. (Nobody tell White Oprah that contrary to what the drunk she gave a handy to in the parking lot told her, vodka does not come from the pee hole of a grey goose.)

In an entry from Memoirs of a Cokey dated January 22, 2008, LiLo cries about how she'll never feel Heath's touch again.

"Today Heath died. I’m in love with him…. He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

Shortly after Heath's death, both White Oprah and Michael Lohan claimed that LiLo was dating him and was supposed to fly to NYC to be with him just days after he overdosed. I think the coroner should update Heath's death certificate to read, "Cause of Death: Lindsay Lohan was about to visit him."

Blohan writes in other entries that she was having an affair with JFK, couldn't wait to start filming Something's Gotta Give, and suspected that her housekeeper was an undercover CIA agent who was lacing her barbiturates with arsenic. So all of this should be taken with a grain of coke.

Because Courtney Stodden's whore master of a mother sold her to a has-been Hollywood actor at the age of 16, she never got to go to prom like other teenage amphibians. So the delicate lizard slut made up for lost times by buying a truly exquisite gown she found bundled into a ball at the bottom of a clearance box in the back of the Frederick's of Hollywood Outlet at the Ontario Mills. Some might've dropped the dress after reading the line "Sold As Is (mysterious bodily fluid stains, etc...)" on the tag hanging off of it, but Courtney wasn't going to let that stop her from bestowing a Classy Old Hollywood moment upon The Grove in L.A. Why do I have a sinking feeling in my colon that this is what Rosie O'Donnell's wedding pictures are going to look like? Complete with awkward "kneeing in the pussy" pose and everything.

There's a serious civil war going down on top of Courtney's head. Courtney's ashy real hair is trying to fight with her fake hair. One of Courtney's tooth is also trying to emancipate itself from her mouth. And her toes are desperately trying to break free from the clutches of her elegant silver whore heels. There's just a whole lot of uprising on Courtney. Courtney is truly the most gorgeous battlefield I've ever seen.

And here's the latest gifts to alliteration from the head writer of Pugs with Courtney Stodden Tweets:

Secret Santa: Id love to lure you in by caressing my red lips up against your rosiness as my lustrous legs lie on top of your levitating lap

Had such an erotic afternoon after being elegantly bound with whips & chains for a brand new foxy photo shoot... XOs

Tenderly trembling my tantalizing tongue up - down - & all around the sugarcoated candy-cane of Christmas! XOs

I'm calling it now. The last one is my Christmas card. Stay away, bitches.

Sinead O'Connor will have to change one of the lyrics in Nothing Compares 2 U to "I went to the doctor and guess what he told me, guess what he told me, he said, gurl your asshole is about to explode" (been there, heard that), because after a long search she has finally found her hole mate soulmate who will regularly battle "the difficult brown" with her until divorce does them part.

Back in August, a horny as all hell Sinead posted a personal ad on her own website where she wrote that she was looking for a 40-something, anal-loving, half-blind, employed, hairy rugby player who doesn't have the name "Brian or Nigel" on his drivers license. The search has officially been called off, because Sinead announced on her blog that she's making her boyfriend Barry Herridge her fourth husband tomorrow. As Sinead's brown sugar walls quiver in anticipation of the wedding night, she typed this announcement out on her blog:

With enormous joy myself and my beloved boyfriend Barry Herridge will be getting married tomorrow, December 8th 2011 at 'an un-disclosed location' in my absolute dream wedding ceremony. We will post a photo or two here on the site as soon as possible afterward.
Very happy girl. : )

What a romantic love story. It was just a few months ago that Sinead was begging for dick online and now she's getting married to the villain from Megamind. There really is hope for all of us. Who cares if Sinead's last marriage barely died a quick death back in April! Who cares if her latest marriage is eventually going to split in two like a picture of the Pope in her own hands! Who cares if her new husband's got 10 pounds of brain in a 5 pound skull! Who cares if when Sinead and Barry bow their heads to thank God for the genitals they're about to eat she has to use a crane to pull his head back up! The only thing that matters is that Sinead is FINALLY getting some regular peen.

While the members of this famous family certainly resemble each other, there is one family member with a unique physical characteristic that differentiates them from their more famous sibling/s. There have been rumblings about this for a long time, but it has finally been confirmed by parent to child: that the child is, in fact, the product of an affair one of their parents had long ago. The child did not take the news well, and really resents having been lied to all these years. Given that certain members of the family tend to selectively overshare, it will be interesting to see if this information is ever publicly revealed, and – if it is – how it will be spun. (Blind Gossip)

Pimp Mama Kris lit this shit on fire again when she whored out an excerpt from her book where she wrote about passing her poon to a producer named "Ryan" (not Gaycrest) while she was married to Robert Kardashian. Kris had this affair a year before Khloe made the small woodland creatures scatter by letting out her first roar. So the dates add up.

As Khloe looks out her bedroom window and sings "Soooooooomewhereeeeeeee out beneath the pale mooonliiiight," Knobby the Sasquatch (aka "Ryan") is howling out the same song while sitting on top of a mountain perch. I really hope that Maury, E! and the Discovery Channel are working on a Kardashian Paternity Special Spectacular.

People break up and get back together all the time. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t.

Then there’s the case of these two good-looking people. They have both been on TV regularly, but in two very different roles. They were together. Then then broke up. Now they’re together again. Did they work things out? Is it true love after all? Nope. She’s pregnant. And, with all his other troubles, the thought of being a husband and a father is more than he can bear right now. But he’ll play along until he figures a way out of this.

No wonder he’s been such a jerk lately. Then again, scratch that “lately” part. He’s just a jerk. In fact, she has a reputation for being a bitch, and he has a reputation for being an asshole. So maybe they are perfect for each other. (Blind Gossip)

Kristin Calamariwhatever and Jay CUNTler?

This could be very awkward. This pair of celebrity couples are best friends. They hang out all the time. Each member of the celebrity couple is actually a celebrity. One married couple features an A list comedian and the other celebrity couple features an A list television host. So, what happens when the husband of the television host is sleeping with the wife of the A list comedian? Can they still hang out? What about the new project the comedian and the host are working on together? Will that still happen? Do they know? Apparently not yet. (CDAN)

Two options:

1. Kelly Ripa (A list television host), Mark Consuelos, Jerry Seinfeld (A list comedian) and Jessica Seinfeld?

Or

2. Kathie Lee Gifford (A list television host), Frank Gifford, Joel McHale (A list comedian) and his wife?

The second one is just my wishful thinking making a #2.

Which C-list actor – best-known for co-starring in a popular blockbuster comedy franchise and who now does mainly voice-over work – doesn’t accept his cross-dressing brother-in-law? The tiny funnyman wasn’t amused when his bride’s sibling showed up in a dress and heels to their wedding so they made him change into a suit and tie! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

It's hard for me to guess, because the space in my head is currently being taken up by the image of Miss Lawrence from RHoA snapping all over this blind item.

"Sorry for this, folks. I'm dyslexic, and couldn't figure out whether the creche purchase order for the figurines said "Santa" or "Satan"; so I figured I'd better cover my bases." - WTFOMGLOL

Runners-up:

You'd better watch out, better not cry, better not pout, we're telling you why... because Santa's sadistic demon friend will drag you to hell, that's why! - faux_0

Even the demonic forces in Hell couldn't resist standing in line for the Black Friday $2 waffle iron. - Sluttsville

Since Rudolph's red nose turned out to be a cancerous tumor, Santa looks for a replacement to lead his sleigh. - burpfartsneeze

via Linzer Perchten (Thanks Roger)