Okay, so I lied earlier. Get used to it. Lilo, in her infinate wisdom has maybe/reportedly/okay probably chosen her NYE desination. Ahlan!live has cast a huge shade of NO!! on the rumors that Lilo will stay home privately snorting and drinking her New Years Eve festivities. Lilo has reportedly signed on with Pam An, Allen Lamb and others to welcome the new year aboard a yacht that none of us poor mofos are welcome on to kick off New Year's Eve 2012.
Lilo, at one time I hoped the best for you. Now, you're just an embarrassment, much like that time in cheerleading when my dress flopped over my ass to show the away team my red pantaloons while I was on top of the pyramid. Just. Stop. But still, I never got paid for showing my pantaloons, which makes me wonder who is right. Damn you Lilo for making me doubt myself and my career path. I'm gonna roll another joint.
Thank you parissucksliterally
Why did Jen An cut her hair??? I know you have been laying awake at night pondering this with the other questions of the world, such as why are we here, why does 4th meal only last until 2am, why does my family hate me? and other such important stuff.
So, to answer this one...E!online says it's because DUN DUN DUN "her hair was thinning and starting to look fake"! Now at least you can sleep, although that silly shit like "why does my dog hate me" and "what am I supposed to do with my life" may still stick around for a minute. At least the important questions of the universe are answered.
I actually like Jen An, though I'm not sure why. And I'm less sure about the idea that this is somehow news. I guess we can all change our lives now though?? Okay, seriously it's just drama dressed as NEWS so keep on keeping on with your Ramen noodles and your mortgage and all that un-important jazz. But keep it up in your pj's and house shoes, like I'm gonna do. MAH HAIR-UH is page two, along with "I need a pedi" and "should I keep my thermostat on 75 or 76". Sorry Jen.
Ooooh, breakup by text, you have just been demoted to level #2 on the coldest shit you can do scale. Pilar Sanders, the apparently soon to be ex-wife of the legendary football great Deion Sanders, says she found out about their impending divorce on TMZ.com. Ho-lee-shit. Stock in Ben N' Jerry's and Smith and Wesson just bounced off the charts.
According to TMZ, his wife's lawyer says, "Pilar's sole focus and top priority for the last 12.5 years has been her marriage and children. Based on recent discoveries, [Pilar] now realizes that Deion did not view their family the same way." OUCH. And translation: Deion, just do the right thing and open that wallet. Breaking up with your wife of 12 years and baby mama via internet? New low. *slow claps and writes that down as how to do shit WRONG*
Damn, Deion. I would think after 12 years, and stretching her body out for your babies, you could at least send her an email. This bitch is gonna get half plus child support, and you have nobody but your soul-less ass to thank for it. Enjoy driving around in your Geo Metro! And RIP common decency. Team Pilar and Deions' babies.
The Photoshop Awards! Somebody put together this completely fake ass "Yup, I Love Dick" cover of People Magazine starring Taylor Lautner. Bitch please! Like Taylor Lautner would really approve a picture of him looking like he's pushing out a stubborn shirt for his big gay coming out cover. - Buzzfeed
Duchess Catherine celebrates Jesus' birthday by wearing a hat that looks like a sea of open vaginas - Lainey Gossip
Give your eyeballs a taste of Courteney Cox's bikini situation like it was the first time - The Superficial
Stephanie Seymour's like, "Damn, it ain't the same without my son's boner brushing against my thigh..." - Hollywood Tuna
Trans Flowers: They ain't the one! - Towleroad
BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! A fat bee just swallowed an entire Starbucks whole! - Popsugar
In case you didn't already know, wet albino rats never look good in leather - Hollywood Rag
Buthisface alert! - Just Jared
Elegance alert! - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Greedy ass puppy alert! - Cityrag
Kobe Bryant's dick is trying to beat Tiger Woods' dick's record - Celebitchy
Aunt Viv #1 is my hero - ICYDK
Looking at Mischa Barton's chichis gives me a craving for microwaved pancakes - SOW
Attention all 50-something, get ready to cream your panties with the help of KY, because Van Halen is back! - I'm Not Obsessed
What it looks like when Hugh Hefner tries to eat coochie - The Daily What
Suffocating a baby with kisses - The Berry
Ashley Jizzdale's boots would look a lot better on her if they went all the way up to her forehead - Popoholic
The Top 10 Gayest songs - OMG Blog
Megan Fox proves that extreme Botox use equals permanent queef face - Celebslam
Lady Gaga (the "lady" part is up for discussion) was spotted out in Paris shopping sans Underoos once again says Hollywood Rag. Bitch, put some pants on. That being said, I'm glad she's helping the local economy and hopefully buying some stuff to cover that shit up while she's at it. Come to think of it though, maybe she had lots of panties and they all put on their Nikes and drank the Kool-Aid to willingly go to the next level. I can't say I blame them.
You know, I'm not a prude (more of a total ho really) but I have to say I'll be glad when this no pants / leggings count as pants phase of our fashion history is over. My mama was always like "make sure you have clean underwear on!" meaning UNDER my clothes, so I just can't with this trend. Why is it always the people you don't want to see doing that shit that are doing that shit?? Charlize, baby, you are welcome to support the no pants phenomenon at your leisure. I'll wait. People of WalMart, please sit the fuck down.
On another note, MTV.com says she and Justin Beiber are the front-runners for charitable celebs this year. So maybe she just donated all her lingerie to the needy? Gaga is a giver like that. Don't mind that the crotchless panties all started out with crotches. They did not melt away or off themselves, she cut them out. Just believe that and don't think about it too much.
ETA I have no idea how this ended up under Crumbs. I blame Al Gore as the inventor of the internetz. #notmyfault
In yet another stellar call in the life of Jerry Sandusky, TMZ reports that he has decided to speak publicly again on his child sexual abuse allegations, but hasn't yet decided whether Oprah or Barbara Walters will be the luckiest woman alive to be graced with his presence. He and his wife Dottie are wanting to set the record straight and clear his
JeffreyDahmerwasanaltarboycomparedtoyou good name (I had to get drunk just to type that) by going on the air again and this time he's practiced so he doesn't pause when asked if he's sexually attracted to young boys.
Strangely, neither Oprah nor Barbara's camp can be reached to confirm the interview, so there's a good chance that this is all wishful thinking on the part of the Sanduskys. I would think his showing-young-boys-how-to-shower-properly ass would have a hard time getting an interview on QVC, so I hope these ladies aren't really entertaining the idea. And if so, I hope they make him pay them for the privilege. His lawyer must be a glutton for punishment, both for representing him and for allowing him to dig holes in their defense with dynamite.
The Sanduskys maintain that nothing inappropriate happened, and the 52 now adults who have brought charges against Jerry are all lie tellers trying to make a little fast cash. Um. I know that in America you are innocent until proven guilty, but this is not so much a "where there's smoke there's fire" situation as a HOLY SHIT THERE'S A MUSHROOM CLOUD one. So. Good luck with that Jerry (not really) and I hope you don't land in a prison as the cell block bitch (not really).
ETA: There are 10 accusers, with 52 counts of abuse. Thanks Nit Witty for setting my ass straight.
Have you ever tried to type while you're laughing your ass off?? Then you'll forgive the typos when I tell you that Lindsay Lohan is a changed woman ahahahaha no seriously hahahaha... AHEM! SHE HAS CHANGED!! TMZ says that Lilo has turned down numerous (hey, two counts as numerous) offers to host NYE parties because she desperately wants to change her party girl image.
Reason #591,869 for why BABIES!!! get special treatment. If any one of us pulled this shit, we would be tackled by every Secret Service Agent, dragged into a cell, have our fingers surgically removed for poison testing and tried for treason. Yet this baby does it and everyone's like, "Awwwww... Nomnomobama."
And I haven't seen Fox News' headline for this yet, but I have a feeling it's going to be a magical work of high art that will replace Mona Lisa's spot at the Louvre.
via The Daily What
In a shocking turn of events that nobody saw coming, Sinead O'Connor's marriage to the sweet-faced tenhead man lasted just a second longer than 7 hours and 15 days. Sinead announced on her blog last night that she is quitting Barry Herridge after being married to him for a total of 18 days. Sinead writes that because Barry's family pushed hard pressure on him (the same way a peen pushes hard pressure into Sinead's asshole to turn her difficult brown into easy brown) to leave her ass, she has decided to end their love. Here's a piece of what Sinead wrote on her site last night:
Within 3 hours of the ceremony being over the marriage was kyboshed by the behaviour of certain people in my husband's life. And also by a bit of a wild ride i took us on looking for a bit of a smoke of weed for me wedding night as I don't drink. My husband was enormously wounded and very badly effected by that experience and also by the attitude of those close to him toward our marriage. It became apparent to me that if he were to stay with me he would be losing too much to bear. And that being with me was not going to serve him positively , career wise or any other wise. I saw his life leave him because of how people close to him reacted. And I can't take anyone's life. And a woman wants to be a joy to her husband. So.. U love someone? Set them free.
He is a wonderful man. I love him very much. I'm sorry I'm not a more regular woman. I truly believe though it is painful to admit, we made a mistake rushing into getting married, for altruistic reasons, and weren't aware or prepared for the consequences on my husband's life and the lives of those close to him. He has been terribly unhappy and I have therefore ended the marriage. I think he is too nice to do so. And too nice to trap.
He is as I said, a wonderful man. We part amicably. I wish him to be free and happy and loved and supported and for him to have privacy as that is utmost important for his job and for the children he treats as a therapist so I plead on theirs and his behalf for media to please leave him and his family alone. I really beg this.
You know, not all loves are meant to last forever. Barry spent his honeymoon doing some Pineapple Express shit while looking for some weed all over Las Vegas and I'm sure if he rubs his peen really hard and puts his hand to his nose, he can still smell Sinead's difficult brown. That is real love right there. And what I've learned from Sinead's ten second queef of a marriage is to always keep the name of a good weed man in every city on file.
Ms. Jackson if you relevant, cuz' PETA on her like red paint on a fur muff!
Janet Jackson's had it shitty since Justin Timberlake ripped her nipple cover off at the Superbowl that time. America blamed the black girl for being sexy(?), and completely forgave the pussy-ass white boy who was equally in on it and then let him make too many fucking appearances on Saturday Night Live.
Janet can barely sell a record now, and she's been reduced to becoming the spokesass for Nutrisystem! Case in point - the last couple of Nutrisystem spokeswomen have been Topanga from Boy Meets World and Marie Osmond. Those may seem like career lows, but like a phoenix from the ashes - Janet has pissed off PETA by launching a line of dead animal skins with Blackgama. PETA being mad at you keeps you in the spotlight. For a day. But still!
"When Janet Jackson had her infamous 'wardrobe malfunction' during the Super Bowl, at least the flesh that popped into view was her own," writes PETA's Jeff Mackey. "Unlike the stolen animal skins that she drapes herself with, which are as dead as her taste in fashion (not to mention her career). Ms. Jackson, you're just plain nasty."
They've named her "Grinch of the Year 2011." Neither Penny from Good Times or Blackgama has responded. She just can't hear them through her mink babushka.
My Dad won "Grinch of the Year" in 1986 when he threatened to stand at the bottom of the chimney with a shotgun and blow Santa away when he came down. The joke was on him, because we didn't have a chimney! He drank.