The offices of Vanity Fair España must have been sucked into a time warp and shoved into the raw asshole of 2004 while they were doing their January issue, because why in SANTO DIOS fuckery hell would they put this vapid relic of skank trash on their cover? Parasite Hilton shouldn't have been on the cover in 2004, and she really shouldn't be on that shit now. Was nobody else available? Paz Vega's dog walker? Pedro Almodovar's nipple hair dandruff? The assistant to the royal groomer who prunes the ethereal dandelion bush on the Duchess of Alba's head? A homeless man who barfed on Javier Bardem's shoes once? Any of those should've been on the cover before this wax dildo in a weave. But you know, I'm not even sure that is Wonky. It could be an alien lizard wearing a mannequin's torn off face.
And do you blame that poor dog for wondering if there's enough coffee in that cup for it drown itself in? It's either that or face the doggy death closet of doom.
via HuffPo (Thanks, Glasgow!)
This former Real Housewives star has turned to escorting to pay her bills and her burgeoning drug habit. (CDAN)
Who is the prostitution whore-ah herself, Danielle Staub from Real Housewives of New Jersey? If this is Danielle, then she really doesn't need to spend the rest of her December selling non-USDA approved pussy. Parents can hire her as a Grinch impersonator to scare their brats straight this holiday season.
His long-running, critically acclaimed series has ended, but this Emmy winner is still whining to anyone who will listen about it being over. The smarmy star feels it was his best role ever, and he’s a nervous wreck, fearing his career is all downhill from here! Who is he? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
If you type "Let it swarmy" into Google, tiny Jeremy Piven heads will fall from the top, so I'll go with Jeremy Piven.
This couple is an A list couple. It is tough to describe them without giving them away, but they are A list and they have kid(s). I will say that the female in the couple is an A list movie actress who would not touch television. She might not even watch television. Probably too good for it. The couple, with our actress being the main instigator in this has decided that they do not want t show off their child to the public. I am not saying they only have one child, but I am not saying they have more. I will say though this becomes very obvious when you know the answer. The couple chooses to not show off this child because it is a special needs child and the couple have chosen to let the child spend the majority of time with nannies and other people and is generally ignored by the parents. As I said, it is primarily because of the mother, although the father is complicit. He does not want the relationship to end so goes along with whatever his wife says. (CDAN)
Who ever this bitch is sounds like a real life Jessica Lange from American Horror Story. Free Pretty Girl!
In case you couldn't tell from Woody Harrelson saying it five thousand million times at the beginning, this is the trailer for HBO's Game Change which stars Ed Harris John McCain, Julianne Moore as Tina Fey as Sarah Palin and Woody Harrelson as Steve Schmidt.
That dramatic ass scene at the end where Palin is about to take the stage is just begging for a mash-up with the Imperial March theme. That is some Darth Vader shit to the core.
But what I really want to know is, who plays my pill-popping ice queen goddess Cindy McCain? Please tell me it's future Hot Slut Callista Gingrich or at least a stoned poodle.
Do you want to call the authorities or shall I, because it's pretty obvious that crazed madmen are holding Vanessa Hudgens' loved ones hostage and have threatened to hurt them if she doesn't go out in public looking like the worst parts of the 90s shat all over her - Popoholic
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's holiday card looks like the wine list at a Dracula-themed restaurant - Lainey Gossip
Stacy Keibler and George Clooney are in Mehico for the holidays. Meanwhile, I think Sarah Larson got a second job as a cocktail waitress at Acapulco. Take that, Stacy! - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Mimi keeps it demure in Aspen - Celebitchy
Yeah, Stephanie Seymour is hot, but I'm not sure how I feel about the fact her bikini looks exactly like these crocheted coasters my Japanese grandma kept in her front room - The Superficial
And just like that, the Guinness World Record for the most simultaneous nerd boners not brought on by anything Star Wars-related was made - Towleroad
Hot pieces of the 90s - The Berry
This is actually pretty pilgrimesque for Taylor Momsen - Hollywood Tuna
Dear Kate Borington, please get some serious manicure advice from the chick in the middle - Popsugar
Tis the season for Mimi's 90s curls - Just Jared
Brittany Murphy's mother is a regular old Detective La Toya - ICYDK
I don't know whether to stick a tongue depressor in his mouth or take a Dramamine and jump on his back - OMG Blog
This seems about right - Celebslam
JLo takes her son out for a walk - Hollywood Rag
I kept waiting for the part where Gordon Ramsay's heart jumps out of his chest and shoves itself in his mouth - The Daily What
The picture that will make any all-you-can-eat buffet cry for mercy - SOW
NeNe Leakes got that GLEE CHECK - I'm Not Obsessed
IN THIS ECONOMY, even the jungle monkeys have to work for their bananas - Cityrag
I had to fall back in my chair a bit and tilt my head to the side to make sure Necole Bitchie didn't get it wrong and mislabel this as Beyonce instead of a light-skinned Mo'Nique in a luxurious new mane. But yeah, some employee of a Vancouver department store took this picture of Beyonce from a surveillance camera (yeah, I guess we're doing that now) as she shopped earlier this week. This picture of Beyonce looking so swole that I'm surprised her wig didn't pop off should shut down the vicious talk that she's keeping a South American surrogate in a Tribeca apartment, but I'm not buying it.
Beyonce obviously Jessica Simpson-ized one of her pictures by running it through the FatBooth app, then she Photoshopped it over the background of a Vancouver department store and leaked it herself! Either that or she got reverse lipo on her face and won't leave her house unless she's wearing one of Tyler Perry's Madea fat suits. Yup, both of those theories are totally plausible and reasonable. There's really no shame in Beyonce's STUNT QUEEN game.
One of my dreams in life is to someday own a house with a big front yard that I can decorate for every holiday. When December comes, I'll go down to Walmart and buy an animatronic Stepford gnome like the one sitting next to Newt Gingrich in the clip above and I'll put it on my porch to greet (or scare the insides out of) all my guests. I can put it out for Halloween too. Merry Callistmas!
The sound of a high-pitched, virgin blood-curdling wailing poured out of Castle Grayskull on the day that pictures came out of JLo's hobbit whore playing with her children in Hawaii and so it's no surprise that Skeletor wants REVENGE! The easiest way to destroy JLo would be to switch the things she loves most (see: her diamonds) with cheap rhinestones since the bitch can't start her day until she sniffs the luxury fumes off of them while telling them how much they mean to her, but Skeletor thinks he has a better idea. Skeletor is going after (cue up lightning bolt sound effect) THE CHILDREN!!!!
Some source tells UsWeekly that Skeletor and JLo's child custody negotiations were going smoothly until he found out that her 24-year-old piece has been hanging around the kids. Skeletor is thinking about going against everything he promised to ruin that bitch. The source said, "He wants to make Jennifer suffer because she's having fun with someone new, and he knows this will hurt her on the deepest level."
Um. If JLo was a pool, she'd be all shallow end, so I don't know where the source is going with this "deepest level" shit. There's two levels in JLo's soul: the first is MONEY and the second is MEEEEEE! There's no basement. But Skeletor still shouldn't go through with this. If he takes the Dragon Tales Twins away, who is JLo going to whore out in a magazine spread when she needs some quick attention? Without any kids to whore out, she'll want to make some new ones with that Casper Smart troll. She'll hire a team of scientists to speed up Casper's puberty and make his balls drop so he can start churning the sperm out. Then they'll start spawning! Can you imagine what their babies would look like? I'm sure you just did and the image that terrorized your head looked a lot like Griphook with a pacifier in his mouth. So please, Skeletor, don't do this. Don't do this for humanity's sake!
Jessica Biel (Tip: Read that boring ho's name in Sookeh from True Blood's voice to make it more exciting. Jessica Beeeeeehl!) and Justin Timberlake have been getting on and off of each over for the past 4 years and I figured it was only a matter of time before their relationship completely buried itself right next to the open grave reserved for their movie careers. But apparently Jessica and Justin have tortured each other for so long that they have decided they should torture each other all the way by getting married. Lainey Gossip points to this Tweet from a gallery owner in Jackson, Wyoming:
Word on the street is that Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel at the Amangani last night...we're picking out post-engagement presents for them just in case they come in! Trying to play it cool...
Jessica Biel seems like a vacuum hole that can suck the personality out of any room she enters and there are major parts of Justin Timberlake's personality that need to be sucked into a black hole to nothingness, so I hope they make each other miserable for centuries to come.
And I will be disappointed in Justin if he didn't propose to Jessica by making her open his dick in a box. You know a finger ring can easily fit around his peen without the help of Crisco. I will also be disappointed if Justin and Brit Brit don't have a double wedding with a cowboy pimp denim theme.
The spirit of a 2-pack-a-day-smoking Piggly Wiggly cashier named Earline Dawn trapped in the body of a 19-year-old trailer park chipmunk named Miley Cyrus was making her way to a helicopter in Costa Rica the other day when a few of her fans stopped her to ask for a picture. Miley posed for one picture and then walked away even though her fans wanted more. The rest of the priceless conversation went like this:
Miley: Babe, babe, I gotta go, honey.
Miley: What da fuck?! Are you fur rill?
Oh, Miley Cyrus fan, I was about to call you a puta estúpida for asking Miley for a picture, but then my hate turned to love when you called her an asshole. You're my Costa Rican hero today.
I know, I know, I'm infecting your screens with two Karkrashian posts in a row and it feels like you just snorted Louisiana amoeba water straight from the tap, but I'll make it up to you with a video of an elusive unicorn pug in his natural habitat.
Auntie Kathie Lee Gifford obviously taught the Kardashians the tricks of the child slave labor trade, because the cover of Star Magazine (via Radar) this week is all about how many of their shit products are made by tortured 16-year-old slaves in the Guangdong region of China. It's bad enough that child slaves have to suffer by being forced to look at those trash faces and spend hours wondering why us dumb Americans seem to worship mutated warthog rectums with eyelashes like tiny spider dicks, but Charles Kernaghan, the executive director of Global Labour and Human Rights, says that the sweatshop workers are also forced to work 84 hours a week without breaks.
When human rights groups investigated several of the factories, they found sweatshop workers making products for K-Dash, the Kris Jenner Kollection and Shoe Dazzle. The non-air-conditioned factories smelled like an ass tampon marinated in asparagus piss (aka the scent of Kim's dead soul) and the workers only made $1 an hour. They also had to pay their bosses for food and rent, leaving some of them with only $15 a month. Charles also added:
“The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people. (Ed note: Aaaand it made them STAAAARS!) Not only are celebrities like the Kardashians taking advantage of these workers, they are holding hands with a government that spits on democracy and women’s rights.
Kim has been very fortunate, but it’s time for her and her family to treat these workers with respect. Kim, for example, could say, ‘It ain’t going to be all about me, me and me.’ (Ed note: Kim can't legally say that. It says so in goat's blood on her contract with the devil.) She could do something and not leave behind a broken mess of women and children. If she took a stand and said, ‘I want to manufacture my products in Chicago or Los Angeles, where I can ensure people humane conditions,’ she would be taking the right stand.”
When asked for a response, Pimp Mama Kris said, "Those little brats who are slaving away to make whores who don't work at all richer are making a dollar a day?! A dollar of my money? Didn't Sally Struthers say that you can feed a child for like ten cents or something? Why aren't we paying them ten cents? We need to move operations to Sally Struthersville or wherever there's ten cent workers. Khloe, Khloe, stop waxing your tongue and get on it!"
In happier news, MSN reports that the Kardashian Kollection for Sears is a failure. There is hope after all.
UPDATE: A spokeswhore for the Kuntrashians responded with this: "This is the first we are hearing about it and take it very seriously as we would never condone this. We are presently investigating the situation."