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This recently married male singer says all the right things about his wife and marriage but I wonder if he told her about the sex he had with that red haired woman two nights before he got married. (CDAN)

Phoebe Price, how could you lure an almost married dude into your freckled goodness by seductively flexing your chicken cutlets at him? But seriously, I'm going to guess this is Michael Buble, because every time I see him I'm convinced his crotch smells like the Little Trees car freshener he rubs down there so his wife won't get a nostril full of eau de side ho.

This a-hole R&B singer is stepping out on his current girlfriend. Hopefully she does not confront him about it. (CDAN)

The one and only Fist Brown?

Which A-list actor smoked heroin with his then-actress/girlfriend in the early ’90s before he became super famous? Now he’s tied down with a brood of kids and doesn’t touch the hard stuff. But the handsome hunk still likes to relax with his much-loved marijuana! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Brad Pitt and Juliette Lewis?

He’s a young actor whose biggest role didn’t propel him into stardom, despite his talent. She is an actress who gets more attention than she should, despite her lack of talent. Neither of them thinks they are getting enough attention, so what better way to grab some headlines than a fake controversy? Let’s pretend that she is hooking up with one of his costars behind his back!

Normally, a love triangle among three attractive up-and-comers would create lots of drama. This one should produce a lot of eye-rolling. Next time they should select a third who isn’t quite so gay. And if the girl is so desperate for attention, she should consider taking lessons from one of her relatives who rose to the top by sleeping her way through Hollywood. (Blind Gossip)

Emma Roberts, Chord Overstreet, Darren Criss and Julia Roberts. Exhibit: EVERYTHING

What do you do if you are the daughter of a billionaire and have a thing for a jackass of a reality star who is not married but close enough? You offer him $50K to spend the night and the only thing he says is that it needs to be cash so the family does not find out. (CDAN)

Petra Eccelstone and Scott Disick? Pimp Mama Kris wouldn't give three shits about this as long as Scott slips her cut into the inside pocket of her pimp coat and gives her a copy of the fuck tape she can leak when their fame whore ratings start slipping.

Sometimes the headline is all you need to heave out a proper WTF and this is one of those times. Just remember that if you're ever in the back of a police car with your brother after getting caught with drugs in your car and he begs you to felch the evidence out of his asshole, just say capital N-O (or at least snowball some the evidence into your brother's mouth, DAMN!) This shit has scared me into screaming out "FUCK NO!" anytime I think my sister is about to throw a question at me. Better to be safe than...well you know...

via KOAT (Thanks, Elizabeth)

Sebastian Bach is looking every shade of hot - The Superficial

Rooney Mara has no idea what it coming out of her talk hole anymore - Lainey Gossip

Chaz Bono's mighty mighty fupa is officially on the market again - Celebitchy

Michelle George: From semi-successful TV actress to Twitter trollop - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

What is this "music career" David Archuleta is taking a break from to star in the real-life Book of Mormon? - Towleroad

Ashley Jizzdale tries to bust out her best sexyface, but instead looks like she's trying to burp out a fart - Hollywood Tuna

The water in Mexico isn't the only thing that will give you the wet shits, so will these pictures of Mr. & Mrs. Squint - Popsugar

Please pray that Vanessa Hudgens gets better, because that outfit is clearly telling me that the bitch is ill - Popoholic

This grinch-like cartoon of Fuggie Fug looks more human than she does - The Berry

I will not accept this Debra Messing divorce news until I hear it from Karen over a 5 martini lunch - ICYDK

More talent than Ke$hit - The Daily What

Here's 4 minute-long tunnel ride through the year's best viral videos. Get your shots first! - Videogum

Why aren't all of these Works of CoCo Art in MoMa? - Cityrag

R.I.P. HUNG - Just Jared

How can you do a Very Drunk History of Christmas and not get Spaz de la Huerta to narrate it? - OMG Blog

You know Khloe Kardashian was the mastermind behind the death of Kobe Bryant's marriage - Crunk + Disorderly

My abuelita has that same hoodie as Whitney Port and she got hers at the border in Tijuana and works it better - Hollywood Rag

Gerard Butler got fucked up in a twelve foot swell and no that's not a euphemism - I'm Not Obsessed

The Goddess Bunny was one of the first beauties of the Internet who tap danced into the darkest part of my dreams and for the longest time I figured that clip was just footage from David Lynch's brain scan. But nope, heaven is a place on earth and the Goddess Bunny lives there. The Goddess Bunny brought her Twins Peakian glamour to several public access shows over the years, but this is her first video since the legendary tap dancing one. It has left me in a barely functioning semi-cataonic state ("Aren't you always?" - you) and it's best if I just stand in a corner and mutter to myself for a few hours while you cheer for the triumphant return of Goddess Bunny!

(Thanks to Gregory)

Terrence Howard and Michelle Howard's divorce fight is turning into the dirtiest of dirties asses and not even a stack of Hazmat-made baby wipes could clean up this mess. The first shot was fired by Michelle when she filed papers claiming that Terry Chris Brown'ed her in the face and threatened to kill her ass. It's Terry's turn to fire a shot and he did just that yesterday when he filed a declaration claiming that Michelle is a bag of crazy covered in a thick layer of racist bitch.

TMZ says that Terry said in the documents that he thought he was marrying a sweet, loving kitten, but after they got married, a white hood grew out of her head and she regularly called him a "monkey" and some other names that sound like they were ripped directly from a Dutch's magazine profile on Rihanna. Terry says in the declaration that Michelle once screamed at him: "I never wanted to marry a n**ger in the first place and I definitely didn't want to be the step mother of some n**ger kids."

Michelle is allegedly trying to get Terry to buy back a video clip she stole from his computer of him taking a shower, and she apparently told him that if he went to the police she'd get her Russian friends to knock him off. The portrait of a lovely marriage doesn't stop there either. Despite Michelle's claims that Terry whooped her ass, he says she's the one who attacked him with a bottle out of jealousy.

So let's just go over all of this. Michelle is trying to paint Terry as a lady-beating crazy and he's trying to paint her as a man-beating racist who married a black man even though she's a fucking racist. Okay. Makes sense. If I was the judge in this case, I'd sentence both of them to their rooms and I'd make them lay down and wait for this cat to come to stroke the fuckery out of them.

Seriously, both of these crazy bitch motherfuckers need to go to bed.

Besides the DMV, Denny's, public transportation and a Latin family reunion, the best bitch brawls go down at the airport. Why oh why couldn't Sean Penn and Maria Conchita Alonso fight it out at JFK this Friday when I'm there. I need this live entertainment in my life. Instead, Maria and the mutated nutsack shanked each other with words at LAX on Sunday afternoon. It all had to do with Sean Penn's main homegirl Hugo Chavez.

Maria, who was raised in Venezuela, tells Page Six that she once raged against Sean about his love for Chavez in an open letter, but she never got a response. While picking up her mom at LAX, Maria saw Sean in AA's baggage claim area and she took that opportunity to serve him the truth according to CONCHITA ALONSO!!! Maria says their word brawl went something like this:

Maria: I would like to talk to you.

Sean: I have nothing to say to you. You have been saying a lot of things about me in the press.

Maria: How can you defend Chavez? You are a communist, Sean Penn.

Sean: You are a pig!

Maria: And you are a communist asshole! Is it great to live the way you do as a communist?

Maria walked away, but Sean kept yelling at her and she yelled back.

Maria called into WMAL in DC (hilarious clip below) and apologized for calling Sean an asshole, but she still thinks he's a communist. When Page Six asked Sean about this, he responded like the dehydrated roid-faced diva he is and acted like he didn't know it was Maria Conchita Alonso at the time:

“I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.”

"That actress." Ha. For a dude who has a face like a hot boil on a devil's ass, he sure does throw some cold shade. So I give him a gold star for that.

Never mind that this is a direct insult to communist assholes, I'm kind of disappointed at how this fight went down. Maria and Sean were in Colors together, so the right way to handle this fight would've been for her to put on a red bandanna and for him to put on a blue bandanna. Then they should've beat each other with gats until Robert Duvall broke 'em up with his baton.

Marc Jacobs' former fiance Lorenzo Martone meticulously manicured the hair scarf hugging his face the same way some of us meticulously manicure our taint bush into shapes of the season (mine's Rudolph's head poking out of a wreath), so I didn't think Marc would ever find a piece who puts hair face grooming first. I stand corrected, because the Internet is saying that Marc is spreading his nipples all over this South American piece with a world-class eyebrow situation. (Joe Jonas, take note, this is what those wolf pubes over your eyes would look like after a visit from tweezers and an ice cub.)

The hot piece hugging on Marc from the back is Brazilian porn star and (NSFW) rent boy Harry Louis and he Tweeted out the picture above along with a note about how he's in love...blah blah blah...Paris...love... blah blah blah.... etc... GPS Brasilia has been saying for a couple of weeks now that Harry is Marc's new bought-and-paid-for bitch. Harry refused to say anything about this shit (a smart hooker never tells) and Marc closed his lips to the rumor that he's pulling a Calvin Klein.

I know your ass Googles Marc Jacobs' name every night before you go to bed so you can rest with the assurance of knowing that you know everything about Marc Jacobs' personal life, but I have a good reason for posting this shit. This reason is the answer to all of your questions!

You: Michael, why are you posting this shit?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

You: Michael, why does Marc Jacobs look like his overworked jaw is about to file a forced labor claim against his mouth?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

You: Michael, why would Marc fly that trick to Paris and shower him with expensive gifts?
Answer: FAT PEEN!

And since you're only looking at this post, because your eyes flew to the words "FAT PEEN" like, well, like eyes to the words "FAT PEEN," (NSFW) click here to see it. Warning: If you have a prostate, looking at that double stuffed dick might put (more) bruises on it. Looking at it will also give you a lunch craving for a monster burrito with extra beans. I'll place your order now.

via Gawker

No mug shot camera has ever frosted up the way one did when the belle of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Dwight Eubanks, posed in front of it after getting arrested in Atlanta last Wednesday. Believe it or not, Dwight wasn't arrested for assault with a deadly pucker. Mr. Peanut's charm school coach and long-lost twin was put into handcuffs for driving with a suspended license. The most embarrassing part is that Dwight was pulled over in a Chevy Tahoe. A delicate dandy like Dwight should be chauffeured around in a gold carriage pulled by white stallions wearing gingham print capes. Not a Chevy Tahoe! My body just went as limp as Sheree's dick after Bob served her.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution says that Dwight was pulled over for a burnt out headlight and when they asked for his identification, he showed them the label on a jar of Planters Peanuts. That wasn't good enough for the police and when they did a quick search on Dwight, they found that his license was suspended. Dwight was arrested, charged and later released.

Dwight is the sweet treat you find in the middle of a Tootsie Pop and his queefs are the secret ingredient in smelling salts, so how dare he be treated like this. Dwight gets arrested for driving with a bunk license, yet Sheree struts free even after she murdered dozens of ear drums with this:

At least I think that's Sheree "singing".... But if you told me it was Scrappy-Doo, I wouldn't call you a liar.

(Mugshot of Beautee via MyFoxPhoenix)

Yes, that headline quote is one hundred percent accurate. Tommy Girl cooed out those words after catching his own reflection in Stepford Katie's glazed over eyeballs. You really haven't seen your own reflection until you've seen it in a pair of face globes whose e-meter-induced sparkle hides the pieces of her soul trying to knock their way out of her head.

After days of dragging Suri out for staged photo-ops, Tommy Girl finally had his big premiere in NYC last night for Mission Impossible 4: You Try Getting Suri Into A Pair Of Flats, and he torched the red carpet by working the shit out of that flesh-colored cheek nipple on his face. Tommy didn't only make no-nos pucker by winking at the camera, but he also induced vomiting when he talked about Stepford Katie to People. Tommy said, "Every day I fall more in love with her. It's been quite an amazing five years because of her. She's an incredible woman. She's everything to me."

Tommy laid it on so slimy and thick that if he scooted his Scientolohole across that quote, he wouldn't ever have to reach for a bottle of ass lube again. Bitch's butt cunt would stay forever lubricated. Damn. I know Katie has been an indentured beard and Tommy will have a short (very short, shorter than him) case of the sads when he has to rip her off of his chin after their 10 year contract ends, but "EVERYTHING TO ME"?! Tommy should save those words for the L. Ron Hubbard hologram in his dungeon or his favorite pair of lifts. Not Katie. For shame.

Anyway, here's the whores and bores from last night's premiere. In order: Tommy & Katie, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton with Robin Thicke, Josh Holloway with his wife, Alan Thicke with his wife and Jeremy Renner.

The first photo emerges from Britney and Sam's wedding night. - TheBreakdown

Runners-up:

Tired of Hello Kitty? Try Fuck Off Bunny. - HellaciousB

Easter at the Palins. - MILF

Behind the scenes, Bugs and Elmer Fudd were really close. - Sweetas

The full pic is after the jump since I'm well aware that Tricky Dick is not safe for work or anywhere else. JUMP!