Archives

Warning: You might feel the sudden urge to strangle your Christmas tree, shit in your fireplace stockings and cancel Christmas this year after getting into these highly illegal pictures at Egotastic of the underage lizard goddess Courtney Stodden slithering all over her 51-year-old nightmare of a husband who dressed up as Santa Claus. I know, that picture was supposed to be your Christmas card pose and this bitch stole it from you.

Nothing says "Tis the season!" like a gross Santa with cotton dick brows sniffing on the illegal down low goods of a 17-year-old who looks like an iguana in Alexis Arquette drag. This kind of good Christian girl holiday behavior from Courtney is seriously making Jesus consider converting to Buddhism. It's okay, Jesus, just try to focus on the silver slivers of elegance on Courtney's rear claws and everything will be okay (no, it won't).

I swear, somebody really has to start a "Courtney & Doug staged photo shoot or porn stills?" Tumblr, because I can't even tell the difference anymore. And if your skin hasn't completely crawled off of your body to throw itself into the nearest fire, then strap it down, because it will after you click play on this video:

Why isn't a SWAT Team and a group of priests with vats of holy water swarming all over them?! They are disgusting, ridiculous, fucked up, perverted, shameless, dark-sided...and I can't get enough of them.

Whenever you start to think that nothing is possible, just remember that these two messes somehow made a baby together - Just Jared

And to think, it was only a few years ago that Casper Smart was driving a Big Wheel around the preschool playground - Lainey Gossip

KFed then went on to say, "And bitch STILL better have my money every month!" - Celebitchy

Wait, I thought all the male professors at NYU were giving James Franco only Bs and Js - The Superficial

I guess now is as good a time as any to get acquainted with Stephanie Seymour's crotch - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Before all you ciggie haters cry about how this is the nastiest thing ScarJo has put in her mouth, I need to remind you that she once gargled on Sean Penn's prune sacks - Hollywood Tuna

Sarah Hyland's hair looks like it's eating her head - The Berry

These guys are TOO in love and my bitter old queen ass kept waiting for a kitten to maul them both - Towleroad

Paula Patton brings her curly belly button out for GQ - Popoholic

Where is the CTRL+ALT+DELETEWILLYANDKATE function when you really need it? - Popsugar

Corgi in a swing. The end. - OMG Blog

Girls have more shit to say - The Daily What

The waist on Kellan Lutz's piece has left me in a state of confusion - Hollywood Rag

Ashley Tisdale's first mistake of the day was choosing that outfit - Cityrag

JoJo still exists - I'm Not Obsessed

Xenu, please, Suri already has a pony and his name is Tommy Girl - Videogum

This isn't the first and it won't be the last time that Charlie Sheen's photographed with scared fish in his hand - SOW

Yes, two years ago and we're barely hearing about it now. Why didn't they tell us? Why didn't they sit us all down at the table in the kitchen and pour us a cup of hot cocoa with extra marshmallows before telling us that love is not a thing that lasts forever?! How could we not know? If we stalked Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard the same way we stalk those evil whores the Kuntrashians (or maybe, it's the Kuntrashians who stalk society, yeah that's it...), we wouldn't known this years ago. I blame us! But yeah, People brings us the news that made ever cherub stab themselves in the heart with their own arrow.

Actress Jessica Lange and her longtime partner, playwright and actor Sam Shepard, ended their relationship almost two years ago, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.

The couple, who have been together since 1982, have two children, Hannah and Samuel, together.

"They both are pursuing independent lives," says a source.

Lange, 62, who stars as Constance in FX's hit series, American Horror Story, was just nominated for a Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild award.

If their love would've died inside of the house, then we all could've been together forever and ever!!!! (If you don't watch American Horror Story, then what I just typed made me sound creepier than usual. )

Since it was Stepford Katie's birthday yesterday, Suri, her full-time stylist and dresser, let her be a big girl and choose her own ensemble. Big mistake. Big. HUGE! Stepford Katie went to dinner in NYC wearing some shit that is only acceptable at an Amish disco or a pilgrim key party. Katie is only 33 years old, so I don't think her tits should be slow dancing cheek-to-cheek with her elbows. (Yes, elbows and tits have cheeks. Go back to anatomy class!)

Tommy must be wearing his highest lifts, because if he wasn't he'd be face-to-nipple with his wife's chichis. The last time his face got too close to a pair of actual lady breasts, he shriveled down like a snail under a salt shower and a hand full of penis fingers had to stroke his forehead while telling him everything is going to be alright. Tommy's titty trauma is no joke.

And I'm not sure if Suri is hiding, because she's sick of her parents parading her in front of the paps or if she's genuinely I CAN'T-ING inside over her mom's embarrassing outfit.

The Dark Knight Gets A Boner trailer played before the IMAX showings of Mission Impossible 4 this weekend and so dozens of busted and grainy bootleg copies made their way onto the Internet. Some of those bootlegs were so damn bad they looked like they were shot during an earthquake on 8MM by a junkie with the heroin shakes. Well, Warner Bros. finally got their shit together and released the full trailer today. You can put down your flaming pitchforks of outrage, because there's no Catwoman in this trailer. But there is a masquerade ball scene that I do not appreciate....

Remember in Batman Returns when that hot bitch Michelle Pfeiffer glamorously lets her sanity unravel in front of Michael Keaton while she sticks him in the side with her gun at the masquerade ball? There's a scene like that in this trailer, but instead of Anne Hathaway bringing out the insane glamour, she whispers about some 99% shit. Bitch is going on about how the rich are going to get theirs. The hell? Bitch, grab your whip and start purring and whippin' at hos. OCCUPY GLAMOUR, not WALL STREET. Oh, Michelle Pfeiffer, please deliver us from this.

And that Bane trick needs to do more "red leather, yellow leather" exercises, because I can't even pretend to know what he's saying.

via DS

Poor Joe Jonas had the aches in his stomach so bad on Sunday that he had to check into the emergency room at The Children's Hospital in L.A. Yes, the fucking children's hospital. I did hear once that Joe Jonas has the esophagus of a 5-year-old boy (No Sandusky). TMZ says that Joe was partying hard in Chicago on Friday night, yodeled out musical notes during a concert on Saturday night and when he got back to L.A. on Sunday his insides were gurgling like the soul-devouring minion Disney implanted in there was trying to eat its way out.

Joe's spokeswhore wouldn't say why he had the sicks, but they did say that he was released shortly after he got there and was well enough to eat sushi with his brother later last night. So to recap, Joe Jonas had to go to a children's hospital for stomach problems and he later drowned the pains with a whole lot of raw fish. This story is a spread eagle Hilton who doesn't ask you any questions. Just too too TOO easy.

But seriously, why is this giving me shades of the "Jordan Knight gets a gut full of jizz pumped out of him?" urban legend? Well, Joe Jonas is this generation's Jordan Knight, so I guess this is his destiny. This should also teach him to have a private medical team standing by when his piece convinces him that an arm-sized dildo covered in Mexican cocaine will make his prostate's life! Tommy Girl would never make that mistake.

(Image via Fame Pictures)

What's that saying? You can Photoshop a skid mark, but it's still a skid mark. The Kardashians proved that saying right for their annual sacrifice to the Adobe Gods. Last year's Karkrashian Khristmas Kard theme was "kreepy, kooky & kunty" and this year's theme is obviously hall of the sequined dead souls. This is the picture that's on the cover of the pamphlet Lucifer hands you when you're about to sign your soul over to him and he wants to make sure you're making an educated decision that's best for you.

These whores didn't even pose together. They took their pictures separately, threw them all under the silhouette of three giant titty balls (or are those used condoms?) and used the constipation tool to make all of them look like wax mannequins with the hard shits. They also pulled pounds of Sasquatch blubber from Khloe's legs and piled it all on Kourtney's ass. Not to mention that Pimp Mama Kris is the only one not wearing black and white. A wreck. But it was nice of those Kardashians to represent Kris Humphries' personality with that wooden chair in the back.

And this mess also comes in 3D. When you put on the glasses, a double stream of Ray J's piss comes splashing at you. Happy Pissmas from the Kuntrashians!

As you already know, Kim Jong Kardashian died while fighting a USA-made Godzilla robot on the North Korea border over the weekend and the entire country took to the streets to publicly melt down over the loss of their leader. I really haven't seen a dramatic, open-mouthed, tumbling of raw emotions like this since Nicole Shitsinger killed Rachel Crow's dreams on The X-Factor. This is what it looks like at the Scientology Center when the men's wet sauna is temporarily closed for maintenance (aka jizz balls caught in drain again). This is also what the Dlisted comment section looks like when I slobber out another post about Mah Boo Anderson Cooper.

Since the crazy is all these people have known their entire lives, this seems pretty authentic to me, which is a whole new level of scary. But because this aired on North Korean State Television (aka Asia's version of TLC), some people are saying this wailing flash mob was staged. If it was staged and these North Koreans are acting, then we need to send every Kuntrashian over there to learn from these masters how to properly bust out a fake dramatic cunt meltdown. Or just send the Kuntrashians anyway.

No, your browser didn't fall into a future portal and show you the first runway refugee on the new season of RuPaul's Drag Race who was given her sashay away orders after losing a challenge where she had to make a Star Trek go-go dancer outfit out of Regretsy rejects. This is Jenny Craig'sWeight Watchers' main ho, JHud, wearing a whole lot of dusty pink NO at last night's taping of Vh1 Divas Soul in NYC.

When you're at the same event as the international icon of glamour Dolly Parton, this is not how come out. That lacefront was slapped on with Silly Putty, those retina-melting boots were made from my old glitter snap bracelets and the top of her dress almost looks like a bib of dehydrated menstrual berries. But even though JHud was hairline to toe fug, she still didn't give us the most dreadful look last night. That title goes to Jessie J who really needs to have a permanent seat on a chair made of Super Glue. That low budget Mrs. White mop on her head gives me flames, FLAMES, on the side of my face.

Here's more pictures from last night's Vh1 Divas Soul, which I think airs tonight (I think). In order!: JHead, Jill Scott, Mary J. Blige, Florence Welch, Jessie Janky, Mavis Staples with Martha Reeves, Chaka with 50 Cent, Common and DOLLY!!!!

"But the one wedding present that Kim K. absolutely refused to return was the Armenian spoon rest - that one was definitely a keeper..." - wood queen

Runners-up:

Without a chalkboard, explaining how babies are made is a challenge for even the most devoted teacher. - TelevisedRevolution

Baby Mason grew up to be a bright contender on Project Accessory. - mbar

You know the economy is truly in the shitter when the Lohans' coke spoon holder is looking for a job. - lovelylaney

via Break.com