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It's been said that the gift the Three Wise Men brought to Jesus on his born day was a ginger with magnificent chichis carrying a bottle of scotch. (Yes, I know that the Bible, OR WHATEVER, technically says they brought him gold, frankincense and myrrh. But that's just old Bible talk for ginger, chichis and scotch. I went to catechism for like 2 years so I know.) So because of that, these Johnnie Walker ads starring Christina Hendricks ARE Christmas. The only note I have is that if they really wanted to make this shit really classy, they should've put a glass of scotch on each one of her titty balls and asked her to clink them together.

And if you stare long enough, it sorts of looks like a naked double amputee Santa Claus mistook her dress for a chimney and dove in head first. Extra Christmas points!

Lindsay Lohan can't go a full week without fucking up at least twice (the first being leaving $10,000 cash in an unlocked Jeep) or the earth will tilt on its side out of shock and the world's supply of coke will fall off the planet and into the universe where junkie aliens will snort all of it up without her. So because of this, LiLo missed her flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles this morning and didn't make her scheduled taping (it was supposed to air on Thursday) of The Ellen DeGenres Show. LiLo was going to whore out that issue of Playboy everybody has already seen, but it's not going to happen anymore. A source tells Gossip Cop that LiLo never called the show to apologize. Instead, LiLo's spokeswhore said this:

“Lindsay was delayed in Hawaii due to a travel-related issue. She will be heading back this evening in time to appear in court tomorrow. Lindsay offered to tape ‘Ellen’ tomorrow, but the show was unable to shift things around, and tomorrow is their last day of taping for the season.”

Travel-related?! More like a brain-related problem. I know a single mother of 3 who packs all of her kids bags, makes them a snack for the plane, gets all of them to take a caca before leaving for the airport and bitch still makes her flight. Yet LiLo only has to snort one last bump for the road and show up to the airport on time, but bitch can't even do that. I swear, sometimes I wish I could really not give a fuck as much as Lindsay Lohan doesn't give a fuck.

This is Lady CaCa as sketched by Tony Bennett. Not only did he completely forget to draw her schnoz, but he made her tit look like a dolphin penis and sketched the smoke monster floating out of her crotch. Makes sense. ART! - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

George Clooney, a beer and his forever best friend (not Brad Pitt, not Stacy Keebler Elf) in Esquire - Lainey Gossip

Is Alexandra Stan like Romania Penthouse's answer to Ke$ha? - Hollywood Tuna

The word "tragic" has a new visual definition and it's a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt hugging Why Men Love Bitches - The Superficial

Hide yo sons, Katie Couric is on the loose again - Celebitchy

Can the next seasons of Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians and Jersey Shore both be filmed in the American Horror Story house, please? - Towleroad

If you put your ear to this picture, you can almost hear Zac Efron screaming, "Konichiwa, gurl!" - Popsugar

Willow Sage still sounds like the name of a poultry rub they sell at Whole Foods - ICYDK

Emmy Rossum's dress would look so much better on a Barry Manilow backup singer - Popoholic

Who ever stole Lindsay Lohan's purse obviously stole her ass too - Just Jared

SHADE! SHADE! SHADE! The trailer for the new season of RuPaul's Drag Race is here! - OMG Blog

This needs to be reenacted with Pitbull the rapper - The Berry

Idiotic moron stays idiotic and a moron - The Daily What

Things that will make you weep and question the purpose of gravity: THIS VIDEO - Videogum

Tina Turner's eyebrow situation looks thirsty, but other than that she's still got it - SOW

Mimi in London - Hollywood Rag

I'm going to need a RECOUNT! - Cityrag

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - I'm Not Obsessed

This is the trailer for Cock of Ages Rock of Ages: We Built This Shitty starring EVERYBODY and it's the sole reason why you just saw Journey, Def Leppard, Pat Benatar and Joan Jett throw their bodies in open graves. Journey will gladly sell the use of their songs to every corporate product imaginable, but shit has gone too far when an evil Scientology leprechaun and Julianne Hough are singing their words in a movie. And sorry, Tommy Girl, hate to burst your butt bubble, but nobody does 80s rock covers like Kids Inc. These kids go hard.

via JoBlo

...and you have a new favorite picture to double punch. Everlast should use that picture on a punching bag. The national debt would be wiped out immediately.

Cameron Diaz and Diddy both screamed "JUST FRIENDS!" last month when they were seen having lunch together at some restaurant in Beverly Hills. They're screaming those same words again today after Page Six says they were slurping on each other's mouths at PH-D in Manhattan on Saturday night. Diddy was already holding court at his table when Cameron strolled in a little after 1am for some Virgin Diaries action. P6 put it like this:

“They were kissing and making out,” and continued being “very affectionate” while they danced, our sources said. Diaz and Diddy left the club together with the group just after 3 a.m. This isn’t the first time Diaz has been seen fiddling with Diddy.

Diddy on his own is UGH, Cameron on her own is UGH and together they're just UGHUGHUGHUUUUUUGGGGGH. They shouldn't be tongue screwing in front of everybody. Nobody wants to see that. It probably looks like two gaping anuses squirting douche water at each other. How would Cameron and Diddy like it if two gaping anuses squirted douche water at each other right in front of them? Actually, they'd probably be into it. Those nasty kinky fucks.

The only time the UK Department of Public Health allows that piece of trash Peaches Geldof into public movie theaters is when the filthy street rats overtake the concession stand and only a diseased gutter snake like her can scare them away. So it must of been a very special occasion for them to let Peaches into London's Odeon Cinema for the premiere of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo last night and it was. The organizers of last night's premiere knew their red carpet needed some greasy beauty that only Peaches' newest fiancé Thomas Cohen can provide.

Thomas is that ho who put coolots back on the fashion map last August when he strolled around with Peaches while looking like the kind of Asian girl Woody Allen would like to marry. And yeah, now he's about to partake in a pre-divorce ceremony with Peaches, but you know that shit isn't going to last. Thomas is going to pull out as soon as he comes down from the hallucinations a bitch gets after drinking up the fermented syrup that seeps out of Peaches' pores. So we should take in Thomas' beauty while we still can.

Also at last night's Dragon Tattoo premiere was anti-Kardashian activist Daniel Craig and some runaway Vulcan bride.

During this holiday season, two things have happened in Florida so far:

1) The top story on the local news was about two glamorous burglars stealing $500 worth of lawn ornaments. Also, it's pretty much impossible to point out the differences between the local news in Florida and Inside Edition.

2) The glamorous burglars in question stole the Christmas decorations (including a Mickey Mouse riding a horse, I repeat, a Micky Mouse riding a horse) from their neighbor's yard and then put that shit on their own front yard just a block away. Those dumb bitches should be thankful that what they lack in simple common sense, they make up for in GLAMOUR!

The moral of the story is, you really can't trust a ho who keeps a stolen shopping cart in her yard.

via Buzzfeed

Thanks to trendsetter Lindsay Lohan, teeth covered in gum diarrhea are the must-have beauty staple amongst Hollywood's most stunning beauties. At last night's NYC premiere of We Bought A Zoo (which is also the exact line an E! executive said to their staff after they picked up Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians), ScarJo accessorized her dick cheese grill with fruit bowl hair, your nana's favorite rhinestone holiday earrings and a dress that I swear I saw hanging out of a cardboard box in front of the Salvation Army near my apartment.

I have to thank ScarJo for breaking out of the bright white chiclets mold that society expects all of us to fit into. ScarJo is chewing through a ball of dick cheese to get to natural beauty and we should thank her for this. I mean, real people have nicotine smegma on their teefs. They don't have blinding ass white cartoon teeth. Since carrot teeth are officially in, I can stop with the whitening toothpaste, the whitening mouthwash and those dark-sided Crest White Strips. Crest White Strips are a tool from Hell and I swear they're made from the jizz of Satan. Whenever I pull those evil things off my teeth, it feels like I just nibbled on an aluminum foil asshole before getting squirted in the mouth with Clorox. But those days are behind us now that dirty butt teeth are so now!

Here's more pictures from last night's premiere including some of Matt Damon with his wife, Elle Fanning, some other childrens, Sylvia Miles and Parker Posey. On a different note, who the hell is going to see this shit?! Why would I watch ScarJo and Matt Damon fall in love in front of a bunch of animals who cannot maul those boring bitches since they're trapped in cages? That's torture.

Here's Colton Haynes from MTV's Teen Wolf, but mostly known as the twinkie whose publicist tried to Magic Erase his gayness from the Internet, casually gazing into the wooden vulvas on his trailer's paneling while flexing his abs so hard that I'm surprised one of his muscle biscuits didn't pop out and start flopping next to that torn tampon on the floor. Teen Wolf's executive producer Tumblr-ed this picture and added the note: “Shot from Colton’s trailer. We asked him to show us his new body, the product of three months of serious training. Of course, he struck a model pose.”

You know, I take back that gazing comment. Colton's not gazing, he's trying to keep his eyes from rolling to the back of his head right before he passes the shit out, because his body can't take THE HONGARIES anymore. For the past three months, bitch's trainer has only let him lick on the tears that trickle down his face while he's crunching his way to abs of a G.I. Joe doll. It must suck when even the pre-cum from the dick you regularly suck on has to be tested for calorie content by your nutritionist before it's allowed to go in your mouth. No thanks.

And, DUH, I'd hit it even if his abs taste like bronzer and matte black eyeshadow.

Thug-a-licious-Justin Bieber likes to pack his heat in the manliest way he knows how. - DaniCalve

Runners-up:

The most common backup plan for unwanted pregnancy suddenly becomes the way to go as The Morning After pill now requires a prescription. - shamenregret

It's not the crack that kills people, it's the shit in the crack that kills people. - LaChaylo

Meanwhile, at the opening of the new Victoria's Secret in Oakland... - gina latina

via Poorly Dressed