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The last time Tommy Girl found himself coughing on the crystal dust that wafts from the threads of crushed diamonds on the Duchess of Alba's glorious head, he failed to properly pay his respects to her by curtsying in front of her. It looks like the dumb bitch didn't learn from his mistakes, because here he is with her and her new husband at the Spanish premiere of Mission Impossible: Ghosts Be Protocoling in Madrid, and I couldn't find one picture of him bowing to her like he should be. You can tell the Duchess is not one ounce of amused over this. It's a good thing I'm completely fluent in Spanish bitchfaces and know exactly what the Duchess is saying with her face. She is clearly saying, "Do I need to pull out a cock out of my coat in order for you to get on your knees, you silly little bitch? Pay homage, honey. HOMAGE!"

The next time Tommy is gazing his eyes at the Klingon Baby Jane, he better hit the floor like his knees have anuses on them and the carpet is covered with peens. If he doesn't, the Spanish Armada will drag him away and throw him into a cell with a bunch of sweaty Spanish men for the rest of his days. Actually, that's probably the reason why he's committing the ultimate act of disrespect against the Duchess. Carry on, Tommy, carry on.

And here's more of Tommy, the most beautiful dandelion in the Spanish garden, Simon Pegg and Paula Patton at last night's premiere.

This awards season is shaping up to be very interesting. One of my favorite closeted A list movie actresses, only seems to go for women when her relationships with men go sour. Well, after a recent breakup she found herself at an event and met this foreign born B list actress who you would recognize but would be hard pressed to put a name with the face. The foreign born actress has always said she has boyfriends but I don't think anyone has actually ever seen one. Anyway, despite being slightly older than our A list actress, the two hit it off and have been spending a great deal of time with each other and try to spend three or four nights together a month. The interesting thing is that both have a good chance of being nominated for Academy Awards this year in the same category. I wonder how that will work out if one wins. (CDAN)

The category is: Best Actress. The A-list sometimes gayelle is: Charlize Theron (Young Adult)? The B-list foreign actress is: Tilda Swinton (We Need To Talk About Kevin)? You know, usually my lesbian fantasies are about Rojo Caliente and me after a peen-to-poon operation, so it's nice that I have a new lesbian fantasy. And here's some other options since my new favorite thing is guessing which actresses will suck off each other's nipples in the bathroom of the Kodak Theater on Oscar night.

Category: Best Actress. A-list actress: Charlize Theron (Young Adult)? B-list actress: Michelle Yeoh (The Lady)?

Category: Best Supporting Actress. A-list actress: Sandra Bullock (Extremely Loud...)? B-list actress: Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs)?

Category: Best Actress. A-list actress: Michelle Williams (My Week with Marilyn)? B-list actress: Felicity Jones (Like Crazy)?

This foreign born A list movie actor who has not done much with his A list status so is probably slipping to B has run through many women during his time in Hollywood. The problem is they all know of his umm shortcomings in the bedroom. Not only his tiny endowment, but also the fact that he has some premature problems if you know what I mean. He tried dating women from other countries, but they also caught on so now our actor has dated two people in the past two months. Both of them are high school seniors. Legal, but are so excited about dating him they don't care that he is awful in bed and his ego has never been bigger. (CDAN)

The Butler did it? (NSFW) Judge for yourself.

One member of this entertaining family is dropping babies like pebbles, but another is having trouble getting their family started. So the former has offered to help the latter. If the latter couple is still not pregnant by 2013, they can depend on their sibling to carry their baby for them. It’s such an unselfish act, that, although we’re sure they would much rather keep it private, we are hoping that they will consider letting others share in their joy. Perhaps a reality show that focuses on the relationship between the two couples and how the event impacts the whole family? The world really needs to see more of them! (Blind Gossip)

Does Michelle Duggar have a sister we don't know of? You know shit is serious when I'd rather have another Duggar in this world than another Kuntrashian.

If these pictures of Miley Cyrus with her chest out give us anything it's the image of what Brittany from The Chipettes would look like if she became a human before getting hit in the face with a shovel - The Superficial

Ryan Reynolds counts the sidewalk cracks as he walks, because doing that is slightly more interesting than talking to Blake Lively - Lainey Gossip

Dickmatized finally has an anthem - Towleroad

"My baby is going places!" slurred out my drunk hero Mama Lynn last year and here's her baby going places! Specifically, places that will pay her in drink tickets to dance in her bikini at their pool parties. - Hollywood Tuna

Jessica Simpson's transformation into the next Kirstie Alley is almost complete - Celebitchy

Shakira Squats should really be the name of someone's band - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Carey Mulligan's eyebrow situation in W Magazine gets a solid A minus - The Berry

Men in Black 3 looks like a whole new scent of stank shit - ICYDK

Orlando Bloom's wet, topless and holding a baby. See. Babies really do ruin everything. - Popsugar

If you went back into your family photo album and looked for the pictures from your 12th birthday slumber party, I'm sure your ass was wearing the exact same thing that Brit Brit is wearing here - Popsugar

I've had crabs bigger than this bat baby - The Daily What

Baby Tae Kwon Do can't kick your ass, but he looks adorable while trying to do so - Videogum

White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan have never looked more gorgeous - SOW

The latest Chateau de Cheetos - Hollywood Rag

Or cutest dead puppy, maybe? - Cityrag

Travel + Leisure names Charleston as the city with the most hottest people in it. This picture came up for me while I was doing a Google search on Charleston beauties, so I have to agree with T + L! - OMG Blog

The Duggars named their late child after a titty show in Las Vegas. That is all. - I'm Not Obsessed

And you thought that title was held by Robin Williams. This bear is so damn polite, friendly and Yogi-Bear-come-to-life-like that you just want to hug him. Wait, so that's how he fools his food! Oh well, I bet this courteous bear says grace before he chews your face off. That makes a difference.

via TDW

Soap, marital vows, eating nutrients and 99% of the colors on the color wheel are just a few of the things that confuse Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jo, and now you can add Amazon.com to that list. On a recent night down in the bowels of their chateau, Brad and Angie hunched over their desktop Gateway computer and poked at the keyboard while trying to figure out how to drag shit from their wish list to their cart and what is this doshgarnit 1-click ordering thingamajig? AMAZON.COM: How does it work?!

Angie tells USA Today (via SS) that she can survive in the real Amazon on nothing but the sweat drops of a monkey's nutsack and a few leaves, but she just can't with Amazon.com.

“I always Christmas shop early in case we have to travel somewhere. Brad and I were on Amazon.com for the first time a week ago. But we got lost. After an hour, we just shut it off. My brain is too scattered and the wires go in different directions. I’ll stick to catalogs.”

Let me sum up that entire quote for you in 3 words: BITCHES WERE STONED! Oh fucking well, I guess this year Maddox is going to get another clothing stamper from Lillian Vernon and finger beams from Oriental Trading Company.

And here's a scene from the near future of Maddox playing dubstep for Brangie:

Kate Winslet is currently screaming "I'm the Queen of the woooooorld" while spinning on the crotch of Richard Branson's nephew Ned RocknRoll, but before she was doing that she was rubbing her shit all over British hot piece Louis Dowler. The uretha in Louis' heart (yes, we have urethra in our hearts, ask your doctor) was ejaculating hearts over Kate Winslet, but apparently she wasn't feeling the same. When they went on what was supposed to be a romantic holiday trip to Richard Branson's Necker Island, not only did a fire kill one of the villas, but Kate and Louis' relationship also died a quick death that weekend. Kate met that RocknRoll bitch and she quickly dropped Louis on his hot, succulent ass. It's been three months since Kate quit Louis for RocknRoll and he tells the Daily Mail that he's still crying out tears onto his pecs and slathering the wetness all over his nipples (yes, I'm sure that's what he does):

"I don’t think Kate behaved well and it is still very raw for me. I was in love with her and you can’t switch that off overnight. I’m not sure Kate treated me well. Kate came home with me to Cornwall and we just hung out together. She met my parents and family. I thought we were inseparable. I certainly haven’t found anyone else since. I don’t want to go into details but it wasn’t a straightforward break-up. I’m a laid-back guy, so I am not walking around with a long face — but I do still hold a torch for her."

Who knew that Kate Winslet is a heartless, man-eating, shameless heart-stomping cunt slut? I think I love her now! But before I join the Kate Winslet Is A Man-Eating SCRAG BITCH fan club, I should help Louis during this difficult time. I'll put on a Kate Winslet mask, strap two pizza dough mounds to my chicken chest and let him get some closure on....my no-no. It's the human thing to do.

Mortal enemies LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville resisted the urge to shank each other in the jaw with their clavicle bones yesterday afternoon when they both showed up to watch Brandi and Eddie Cibrian's son play in a soccer game. Sadly, the game's halftime show featuring LeAnn and Brandi in a BONY BITCH BRAWL (which I'm sure would look like two erect pencil dicks sword fighting in a dead pony's mouth) was canceled, because the two stayed away from each other. But the shriveled and dehydrated clitoris of a Falcor did get in a few shots when she sucked on Eddie's face and played with Brandi's boys right in front of everyone.

But Brandi still got off easy. It could've been much worse. If Brandi opened her mouth for any reason (examples: yawning at LeAnn's STUNT QUEEN moves, dry barfing over the fact that LeAnn looks like a paraplegic pony balancing on stilts made of chopsticks, etc...), LeAnn would've slithered down her throat, taken over her body and finally become the Brandi Glanville she's always wanted to be!

Anna Wintour usually puts unflavored bitch (see: Blake NotSoLively) after unflavored bitch (see: Blake NotSoLively, again) on the cover of Vogue, so thankfully someone at Vogue knows what's good and blurted out Meryl Streep's name during a brainstorming meeting over bowls of baby's breath (the actual breath of babies, not the filler flower) in the cafeteria of the Death Eaters' lair. The greatest living actress in the world (next to Nicole Scherzinger from The X-Factor) finally got her first cover of Vogue at the young age of 62. Meryl is the oldest woman to ever be on the cover and inside the issue she talks about how when she turned 40, she thought Hollywood was going to put her old ass out to pasture:

Streep, now 62, tells Vogue magazine she was offered three different roles to play a witch after turning 40. She believed it meant women in her age group were "grotesque on some level," and told her husband "It's over."

I'm sure it warms Meryl's insides to see how much times have changed since she was 40. Nowdays, the witch roles don't go to 40-something actresses. No, those roles go to Charlize Theron now.

Meryl's cover should've been a picture of her as Miranda Priestley choking the bob off of Anna Wintour's head, but I'll still settle for this picture of her looking like her bladder just exploded while she was sitting on the beach.

Unsuspecting Dallasites were sitting at lunch yesterday afternoon when the cup of sweet tea on their table started to quiver Jurassic Park-style from the quiet boom of impending doom coming its way. It wasn't caused by a T-Rex's stomps or from the vapid whore bitches of The A-List: Dallas sucking all the oxygen from the city by gathering together in one room for the reunion. WORSE! It was from the entire city dry heaving over the upcoming terrorization of THE KUNTRASHIANS! Board up your windows, hide all the black dick and hang all your cameras in the trees, because the Kuntrashians will wet hump any lens they come across.

The L.A. Times Lakers Blog reports that Khloe Kardashian's husband Lamar Odom was traded from the Lakers to the Dallas Mavericks, because apparently they want to dump his $17 million salary and use that money to pick up Dwight Howard. And because they're sick of the taste of bile that fills their mouths every time they stare at the piles of useless dumps sitting courtside for practically every game. Khloe already said that she'll gallop after Lamar wherever he goes and wherever Khloe goes, so does E!'s cameras, the other Kuntrashians, a Dash store and her secret wookie pack who will NOM NOM on half of the city's supply of small dogs. Khloe got on her Twatter shortly after Lamar's trade was announced and said leaving L.A. is giving her the sads:

We are all sad but positive energy gets you farther then negative.

I have no doubt about it! I am excited :) I know this is for a reason.

Isn't there a team in Chernobyl Lamar could've been traded to? The Kuntrashians have already infected L.A. and NYC, and now those human herp warts are sprouting up in Dallas? I know everything is bigger in Texas, even the Karkrashians, but this isn't right. Just image Khloe in a cowboy hat and splitting ear drums in half by putting a Texas twang on her slutty baby voice. Not only that, but think of the rodeo bulls. They already have it bad enough and now when Khloe struts into the rodeo, they'll be left wondering why that big beast gets to sit in the stands while they get rode hard? GOD: There isn't one.

And here's the soon-to-be Sasquatch of Texas taking Mason out for his weekly photo-op.

Scientists have finally revealed a microscopic view of Kris Humphries brain cells while trying to answer interview questions. Or tie his shoes. - klisted

Runners-up:

No one was surprised when Jon Gosselin remarked that this was way less painful than living with Kate. - Echo27

You know TV has gone downhill when they make DragonBallZ into a reality show - GossipWhore1

via Metro