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Lindsay Lohan might be able to get a corner booth at the IHOP on Santa Monica at 3am on a weekday and she might be able to get the middle table at the methadone clinic cafeteria, but her days of dropping her name to get into A-list parties jumped into the grave with her career a long time ago. Bitch still thinks she's a glittering star in the universe that is Hollywood when the fact is that she's a dusty glow-in-the-dark ceiling star that fell to the carpet and no longer glows in the dark. But ho doesn't know that, because Page Six says that she showed up to the party for J. Edgar at the Roosevelt Hotel on Thursday night and the dude at the door hit her with a giant DEEEEEE-NIEEEEEED at first. The line of people behind her probably broke the record for the most THIS BITCH head shakes in one place at the same time.

LiLo is eternally the little cokey who could, because the source says not having an ounce of dignity paid off and she was able to beg her way in. The source went on to say this shit:

“Lindsay was arguing with the security to let her in, dropping every celebrity’s name to get in. She could be heard saying, ‘I have to go and see Leo.’

Eventually they let her in, but she made everybody uncomfortable. She was aggressive and random, storming around. She tried to get to Leo, but he was surrounded by his security and a posse of his friends.

Clint and Leo and Dustin Lance Black were talking, and Lindsay sent one of her aides over, demanding to get a photo with them, but security shooed them away.”

LiLo's rep is kept on a steady diet of delusion-tinis by White Oprah, so when asked for a comment they said, “She did not crash, she was invited by a guest who attended the event. I am not aware of her asking for photos with Leo or Clint. She was never asked to leave.”

My first thought about LiLo crashing a party and trying to scoot up to Leonardo DiCatchAHo was that the whole thing is pathetic wrapped in sad wrapped in tragic wrapped in another thick layer of pathetic, but then I really thought about. The two whiskeys I drank last night I paid for using cash from my own wallet. The dozens of whiskeys LiLo probably shoved down her booze hole came from an open bar and I bet you she snatched a few of the bartender's tips before making her way out. So being a shameless mess pays off sometimes.

Note to Hollywood: If you want to keep LiLo out of your parties, have a cash bar only. Bitch is allergic to those.

His girlfriend knows that the accusations are true. So she’s getting out. She has her own reputation to consider. The faster she distances herself from the coming shitstorm, the faster she and her career can recover. But how does his girlfriend really know that the accuser is telling the truth and that the storm is coming? Well, it’s not because he will admit to anything. She’s telling friends that she is shocked that the words he used with the accuser are exactly the same words he used with the her when they first started dating. It also means that he lied to his girlfriend about something that was very important to her. That’s enough evidence for her. (Blind Gossip)

The "30-seconds of humping" probably gave it away. Radar says that the blossom of true love still blooms in Selena Gomez's heart, but that shit ain't going to last. That uncomfortable moment is coming when Selena will scream, "You told me I was the only and first woman who statutory raped you! How could you?" before dumping the fetus.

This hunkalicious actor is close to A-list, thanks to his starring role as a popular action hero. Although he plays a clean-cut paragon of virtue on the big screen, in real life he has an out of control coke problem. He’s so far gone that he was recently banned from an exclusive Hollywood club because he pulled out a vial and started snorting coke at his table in the VIP section. (Janet Charlton)

Chris Evans or Chris Hemsworth? Basically, it's one of the Chrises.

Which soon-to-be divorced superstar is fond of complaining of the rigors of motherhood, but in fact has recruited full-time baby sitters? The all-around entertainer rarely holds her tots unless a camera is nearby ready to capture the moment! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

JLo!

Dr. Drew's insightful interview with Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison about their unjustified deportation from the pumpkin patch for smearing the innocent retinas of children with their full-blown skankness was a ratings goldmine (not really) and is said to be the frontrunner for a Peabody Award (no, it's not), and so he has brought them back for another future award-winning piece of high-brow journalism. Christiane Amanpour, get yourself some Visine, girl, because I see the envy trickling out of your eyes.

In an episode airing on Monday, Dr. Drew is finally going to answer the question we've all been asking. No, the question I'm talking about is not why hasn't Dr. Drew dropped a 5150 on Courtney for driving the world into insanity with her mind-boggling beauty. Dr. Drew is going to take an ultrasound probe to chichis of the 17-year-old velociraptor who Doug found stuck in the Rock of Love Bus' septic tank. Courtney has always said that her chesticle sacks are 100% organic like the rest of her and now Dr. Drew is finally going to find out the true answer to one of life's greatest mysteries.

Oh, that fame whoring Dr. Drew is always finding new ways to terrify us. Why do I have a feeling that as soon as the tech started the titty ultrasound, she looked at the screen and blacked the shit out American Horror Story-style.

Dr. Drew isn't going to reveal the results of his investigative report until Monday, but I'm pretty sure the only things they find in Courtney's titties are a couple push-up bras her nipples sucked in, a few alien fetuses, her original birth certificate and a key to Mesopotamia.

Beyonce was supposed to announce the sex of her unborn ball of infinite golden light by shooting out of a pink diamond-encrusted cannon into a ring of pink fireworks as water dancers wearing pink mermaid tails swim in a pool of pink champagne while spelling out the words "IT'S A GIRL!" with glitter-dipped pink flamingo legs, but that's not going to happen anymore. Destroy the cannon, kill the water dancers and drain the pool, because Kelly Rowland has ruined it for everybody.

During an interview with Bang Showbiz (via People) on Thursday night, Kelly let everyone know in so many words that the case covering Beyonce's pillow baby is light pink and covered with tiny rhinestone vaginas. Here's the words that made Tina Knowles scream out, "I should've snipped that traitor tramp's tongue while I had the chance!" over her cauldron in the witching room of the House of Dereon:

"I have no idea what I'm going to buy Beyoncé at the baby shower because Jay is going to buy that little girl every single thing possible."

Kelly Rowland is a judge on the UK's X-Factor, is the biggest star in Liechtenstein, or some shit, and was very close to earning a permanent "Stay Out Of The Basement" card. But then she had to go and fuck it all up. X-Factor will replace her with another one of Destiny's children any day now and her name will be erased from iTunes FOREVER! The only time you'll be able to hear her voice is when you put your ear up to the basement window at the end of the night to her hear sing "Castle on a Cloud" with Basement Baby.

Here's Beyonce smiling a "that bitch is gonna get it" smile while walking to some building in NYC yesterday.

Last February, I declared my love for the forever sophisticated Beverly Cunningham and threw my body at her feet so her glamorous boots would never have to touch the footprints made by us mere mortals, and now it's time for me to do the same for her husband Shadoe Stevens.

Shadoe has the face of a Michael Douglas, the frosted mane of a mid-80s Tawny Kitaen, the style of a Yanni, the complexion of a nacho cheese Bugle and the voice a bass swan on speed whose vocals cords are wrapped in cashmere. Shadoe narrated some of my childhood by being the voice of American Top 40 radio in the mid-80s and before that he was the star of those Federated Superstore commercials. Today, Shadoe's magnetic voice still booms out of speakers and dives into ear holes as the voice of The Late Late Show.

Fun fact: Shadoe's parents originally named him Shadow, but when an electrifying current came out of his mouth while making his first coo, the "w" in his name stood up sideways to salute! And that's how he became ShadoE Stevens.

Tilda Swinton (51)
Kevin Jonas (24)
BoA (25)
Alexa Chung (28)
Ryan Adams (37)
Danniella Westbrook (38)
Sam Rockwell (43)
Judy Reyes (44)
Famke Janssen (47)
Andrea McArdle (48)
Tatum O'Neal (48)
Bryan Adams (52)
Mo Gaffney (53)
Robert Patrick (53)
Kris Jenner (56)
Howard McGillin (58)
Sam Shepard (68)
Art Garfunkel (70)

I don't know how you fly your eyebrows at half-staff, but we should all find a way, because an iconic pair attached to a cranky poet and legendary American curmudgeon has gone off to the great big messy office in the sky where all the mixed nuts are whole and all the water is slutty. Andy Rooney's angel wing brows have spread and he has flown up to the afterworld, while complaining the entire way, at the age of 92. Andy died in a NYC hospital last night from complications following a minor surgery. Andy semi-retired 6 weeks ago after giving his 1,097th and final verbal bitch slap to America on 60 Minutes.

As a cranky bitch who can't wait until I truly have no more fucks to give, this wraps the sads around my heart. One of my rituals every Sunday before Amazing Race was to watch Andy complain about some shit I didn't even know was possible for people to complain about. I mean, he moaned and bitched about coins! Sometimes Andy was right. Sometimes Andy was wrong. Sometimes Andy said some crazy shit. Sometimes Andy made sense. But throughout all of that Andy continued to have no spare fucks to give about what you thought about his complaining. For that, I thank Andy! And now I leave you with a few quotes from one of the great American grouches:

"I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you."

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."

"Death is a distant rumor to the young."

Rest in peace, Andy. We'll pour one out for you today and then wave our fists while complaining about the mess we made.

via CBS News