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As Kim Kuntrashian served up a paper plate full of lukewarm publicity stunt, Kirk Douglas, who has volunteered at the L.A. Mission since the beginning of time, NOM NOM NOM-ed on a piece of turkey. The world could've been ending around Kirk, but he wouldn't have noticed since all of his focus was put into gumming the hell out of that turkey. Kirk eat, prayed and loved that piece of turkey. This pussy knows what I'm talking about. Before I recreate these pictures with a dinner roll dipped in cooking wine, I just want to wish all you sluts a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for giving my posts your eyes even though I talk about dick fromage and anuses all the time. So I'm thankful for that and thankful that dick fromage exists so I can talk about it all the time.

It's true that us Americans only have Thanksgiving dinner so that we can build up our strength for the Running of the Assholes at midnight tonight. You know, that's when we all gather at Best Buy and kill each other as we run toward a 5% off 3D Plasma TV. It's like the capitalist version of The Hunger Games. So I hope that when you knee me in the dick and chin me in the nipple to keep me from grabbing at that 3D Plasma TV, you do so with love. We're practically family!

Pimp Mama Kris recently said that her main prized pig Kim Kuntrashian has such a giving soul (more like giving hole) and always quietly gives to charity without getting any attention for doing so. Pimp Mama Kris proved to be right yesterday when Kim graciously took a break from her busy schedule of being the whoring whore of all whoring whores to feed the homeless at the Los Angeles Mission while surrounded by a team of bodyguards, half a dozen paparazzos, a make-up artist, a hairstylist, a camera crew and the souls of a dozen dead turkeys eye rolling at this blatant publicity stunt. TOTALLY INCOGNITO!

Jennifer Love Hewitt is where the word "desperate" goes to feel better about itself and yet she still doesn't look 1/10th as desperate as Kim looks. Just look at this transparent trollop dressed like "real people" and acting like she didn't drop that ladle and run to her chauffeured SUV the minute the cameras stopped clicking. Kim could find the cure for cancer in her queefs while curing a dozen orphans of the urinary retention they suffer from by baring her ass (Fact: When Kim bares her ass, the piss just comes shooting out of your piss hole), and we'd still see her as a fame whoring STUNT QUEEN heffa whore. That is the truest story ever told.

And haven't the homeless people been through enough? They're already homeless and then they had to sit there while a skank gave them their meal. They came for Thanksgiving dinner, not Skanksgiving dinner.

Here's a beat-looking and weathered down Kate Moss stumbling drunkface first out of The Box in London last night with her husband Count von Count and some friends. Don't let out one laugh, because this will probably be some of us in a few hours (and is probably some of you RIGHT NOW) after Jack Daniels rides a Wild Turkey down our throats a dozen times or so. You know, it's when the nectar of the Gods lulls your head to sleep and your brain tries to pull down your eyelid shades, but you're trying to fight it to keep the party alive. That's your loved ones cue to plop you in a corner, shove a slobber bucket under your neck and then spend the rest of the night trying to throw uncooked cranberries into your wide open passed out mouth. It's a Thanksgiving tradition! But I have a feeling that to Kate Moss' daughter, it's a nightly tradition.

Thanksgiving is a gluttonous greedy ass holiday that calls for two Hot Sluts and we've already got the fine sparkling beverages covered, so here's Aunt Mary of Tante (Yeah, I read that as "taint" too. You're not alone.) Marie's Cooking School providing us with some meaty advice. Just throw the motherfucking turkey in the fucking oven and cook it with as much fuck effort as possible since it's going to taste like a microwaved UPS box no matter what you do. Just get drunk on Pinot, throw some gravy on the turkey and call it good!

Will somebody please direct me to the farm that grows Aunt Marys, because I'm going to need one of her for next year's Thanksgiving.

via The Daily What

Martinelli's Sparkling Cider, the first choice of the Thanksgiving children's table when all efforts to smuggle cups of sweet nectar from the adult's table have failed.

Watching hours of Dynasty, Beverly Hills Teens and Robin Leach gave me a taste for the finer things in life as a child, so I refused to nibble on a clot of Stove Top or swallow a slimy sliver of canned cranberries without washing it all down with the finest aged shampagne from the vineyards of Martinelli. At Thanksgiving times, my mother let my sister and I sip some Martinelli's out of the crystal flutes she won at her work's holiday party one year, so the whole experience was extra luxurious to me. Sipping that shit out of a real champagne flute made me feel like I was soaking in a bubble bath with diamonds all over my neck. Even though Martinelli's is what you get when a bottle of Andre pisses after eating a bushel of apples, it looked like real champagne to me. Some for real fancy shit.

So if you want your Thanksgiving dinner table to drip with expensive sophistication, get a bottle of that mess. Although, nowadays I take my Martinelli's with ten shots of apple vodka.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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