Kate Middleton was shoved to the side and a new fashion icon of Britain was declared last night when TOWIE's Lauren Pope floated onto the red carpet at the Breaking Dawn premiere like a pristine panty-less goddess riding the satin crimson wave to sophistication. Lauren Pope became my new religion and I was ready to pray to her tonight while only wearing two pillow cases cinched together with a sweatpants drawstring, but then I came across a ginger flower that bloomed in the German section of the Garden of Stunt Queens. Everything has changed!
Meet actor type Peer Kusmagk and his girlfriend Isabella Recke (wreck is right). Don't ask me, I don't know who they are. Even if somebody tried to explain them to me using penis puppets (you know how my brain perks up at penis puppets), I still wouldn't know who these two are. But it doesn't matter. Everything I need to know about Peer and Isabella they eloquently communicated to me at some event in Berlin last night.
The two photographers there got up close and personal with Isabella's freckled and moly nalgitas every time she or Peer parted her sheer black curtains. You might be thinking that Isabella would've saved herself some time if she just left that dress on her bedroom floor and came to the party wearing only those black chonies. But that would've been tacky and that's something Isabella is not. A certain seductive mystique filled the air when Isabella exposed her ass cheeks the same way a patient lifts up his hospital gown right before getting a suppository from a nurse. This is performance art!! (It was also performance fart when Isabella flexed her ass cheeks a little too much.)
It was a long search, but finally the German Phoebe Price has been found!
My fingers are practically numb with shock so I'll let Demi Moore knock the breath out of your being by giving you the news that has caused the CDC to issue a high alert now that Ashton Kutcher (the one wearing a huge black fur tampon cap in the picture above) is finally free to bareback as many hos as he wants out in the open.
"It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.
This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation."
Well, there comes a time in every mother's life when she has to let her child go out into the world by himself, so this makes sense.
But somehow this statement from Demi feels empty without a picture of her posing in her divorcin' bikini in front of her bathroom mirror. And I think what she really meant to say is: This is what my stupid ass gets for marrying the douchehole from Punk'd.
UPDATE: Ashton said this eye roll-inducing shit on Twitter: "Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK" Every time an asshole signs off with "love and light," hate and darkness eats a kitten.
Baby Harper Five Six Seven Or Whatever is wondering why her mom is wearing a wookie hide? - Just Jared
Disappointment is finding out that Beyonce's wedding dress was not made of unicorn fur, pegasus feathers and Basement Baby's tears - Lainey Gossip
Jesse Tyler Ferguson channels Annie Lennox and brings some ginger arm fur into it - Towleroad
Ho with a hoe - Hollywood Tuna
"Brooke Mueller was the epitome of sober and looked as clean as the air after a spring rain on Entertainment Tonight last night" said my best friend sarcasm - Celebitchy
Here we go, Kirstie Alley is horny again - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Xenu has the weirdest boner right now - The Superficial
Minka Kelly looking all kinds of deer in the headlights - Popoholic
Baby Julez successfully steals the shot from Jay-Z and Mama Tina - Popsugar
Dylan McDermott's ass on American Horror Story is all him - ICYDK
When your mouth needs something tangier to spit out besides "peen" - OMG Blog
I vote for Courtney Stodden as the pet dragon! - Videogum
R.I.P. The Joy Behar Show - SOW
This is our future, part 12,935,500 - Cityrag
Bai Ling looking demure as always - Hollywood Rag
You might need a meaty entree to chew on after eating up Donna Martin's nipples plates, so I bring you Joe Perry, Joey Kramer and Steven Tyler sunning their man chichis with their pieces in Maui a couple of days ago. My eyes did land on a few soggy bulges and I know how titties shaped like calzones put you in a fappy place, so I'll just leave all of you alone. I'd join you, but I have to go console the child in me that grew up in Los Angeles, because for a minute there I mistook Joe Perry for a topless Colleen Williams.
Last night on Twitter, Tori Spelling's beady-eyed husband Dean McHerpDerp served his 70,000+ followers a pair of chocolate and buckwheat pancakes when he accidentially posted a picture of his son with his wife's titty balls chilling out in the background. TITTYBOMB! Ever since my retinas tore into pieces from staring at pictures of Tori looking like a stick of wood with two boiled grapefruits stapled to it, I vowed to keep my eyes away from any pictures of her bare silicone bags, but I looked anyway. The only thing I have to say about breaking my vow is that I'll never nibble on a pupusa the same way again.
If you really need to see Tori's tits settling down after breastfeeding (which I'm guessing that's what they're doing), then click here or here. I'm not one to defend Tori, but those of you screaming "OMG MOMMA TITTAYS IN FRONT OF A CHILD!!!11!!!" need to stop. That child has stared at Tori's face every day of his life, so I'm sure a pair of naked breasts won't scar him.
This sexy movie actress and this intense actor have been friends since they were kids. She definitely has a higher profile than he does, but lately he has been landing some big roles as well. When reports about them playing kissy face started to appear recently, it was puzzling because they make for a rather odd match. Well, we have a scoop for you. It’s not a real relationship. Just a temporary bearding gig. However, since they do genuinely enjoy hanging out together, don’t be surprised if they rebound back to each other again in the future. (Blind Gossip)
Jezebel seems to think that all signs point to ScarJo and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. But who's the one wearing the beard? Not sure if it's ScarJo, because she humped on Sean Penn once and who would choose a beard that is rough, has ingrown hairs, smells like wet ash and growls at you when you don't fill its whiskey cup to the top. You want a fluffy and jolly beard or some shit. Not sure if it's JGL either, because I don't think I've ever heard a gay rumor with his name on it.
If it is JGL, then the sheer force of millions of straight ladies letting out a full-bodied bawl will push Earth and make it the second rock from the sun (just pretend I'm a science teacher and that made sense). Their chances went from zero to double zero.
Don’t believe for one second that this couple has reconciled. Their open relationship has come back to bite them both in the butt. No, he’s not the only who cheated. Although the two agreed early on that straying outside the marital bed with “strangers” was acceptable, guess who two-timed her soon-to-be-ex hubby with one of his longtime friends? Hubby is so upset about this that he’s taken off his wedding ring but pretends to go to counseling to try to work things out. Wifey, on the other hand, while publicly maintaining that the couple is going to work things out, spends more time plotting image-saving strategies with her ex and her publicist. Hubby and Wifey are both a couple of liars. They are as likely to get back together as they are to win the marriage state championship. (Blind Gossip)
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore aka THEM AGAIN. I'll guess that the friend is Wilmer Valderrama even though Demi Moore is about 40 years older than his usual prey. Wilmer just did it to say that he's dicked two Demis of Hollywood.
Which B-list actress was spotted wearing a surgical mask during her entire flight from France to New York? The star, who has a famous mother and sister, was so paranoid about catching something that she refused to sign autographs! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Ashley Judd? Ashley should move into my mother's neighborhood, because she'd fit right in. All the Asian ladies there are always done up like the Jersey Shore house cleaners: a mask over their mouth, gloves over their hands and a determined look in their eyes like they're ready for some germ-filled nastiness to come at them.
This bisexual actress recently went to see the horror flick “Paranormal Activity 3” with her FORMER lesbian lover. The rekindled romance, which some say was a horror show in itself, seems to be heating up under the radar. Who is she? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Blohan and SamRo? We're doomed and this is probably the main reason why Ashley's wearing a mask.
During an episode of one of my favorite soft-core fake reality shows Gigolos, Brace the Krueger Face bragged to his co-whores that his sperm is so coveted by gold diggers that some of them have come up with creatively shady ways to knock themselves up with it. Brace claims that one gold digger let him cum in her mouth just so she could run to the bathroom, spit it into a turkey baster and shove the whole thing up her vagina while praying that her ovaries are feeling hungry. This trick would never work on George Clooney, because I'm pretty sure thanks to a few snips his dick water doesn't have any fishes swimming in it.
George has made it perfectly clear that the only children he wants living in his houses are the of-age ones who sign a contract and smile really pretty-like when they escort him to one of his premieres. George doesn't want kids. This is not brand new information. But that didn't stop the child actress who plays his daughter in that Descendants movie from reminding George that he would make a shit father. UsWeekly asked 11-year-old Amara Miller if she thinks George Clooney would make a good father and this was her priceless response:
"Let me just say, he wouldn't be good as a father. He wouldn't be the best as a father. George likes being an adult. George has fun being an adult, and I don't think he would like having kids. I know that he's not planning on having kids anytime soon."
And when asked if George kept in touch with her after filming, Amara said:
"He was just a really phenomenal person to work with. [But] we don't really keep in touch anymore. He's George Clooney… No one really keeps in touch with him anymore!"
I like this Amara Miller and let's just hope that Hollywood doesn't taint her gift for speaking the truth. Let's also hope that she remembers her words when in 10 years The George Clooney Red Carpet Escort Agency asks her to come in for an interview. Just say nope.
If the lady behind you is not preparing her nostrils for the scented current of snatch that is about to blow her way, then you're working the red carpet wrong. This is Lauren Pope, of the British reality mess The Only Way Is Essex, at last night's London premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymens, Part 1.
For those refined ladies out there who want to look like their body is luxuriating in expensive glamour but don't have the budget for it, take an economical styling tip from Lauren Pope. Sneak into your local brothel, rip two satin curtain panels from their rods, slap one on each side of your body, cinch it together with a luggage belt around your waist and BAM! Lauren calls it "The Scarlett O'Whorah." You don't even need double-sided tape to keep your dress from flying up and exposing the goods for free. Just do what Lauren did and dab a little of your natural coochie glue on your thigh.
Not wearing panties will tell the world that you've got a resilient pussy that can handle the elements and your labia lips flapping in the night wind will provide a romantic soundtrack. This ensemble is everything. Thank you, Lauren.
Lauren is the only Pope we should be worshiping.
This is why little ass girls should leave the big cons to the Alexis Carringtons of the world who have trained their whole lives in the craft of scheming and would never make an amateur bitch mistake like this one right here. Alexis would spit at Mariah Yeater out of disgust, but sheiks buy vials of her saliva with diamonds and she's not going to waste a drop on a dumb bitch who can't scheme.
Yesterday, Mariah Yeater's new lawyer confirmed that his client pulled her paternity case against Justin Bieber to start private settlement negotiations with the world's most famous yodeling fetus. Mariah still swore that Justin Bieber bareback boned a bag of money into her uterus and asked him once again to take a DNA test. But now it seems like her entire get-rich-quick scheme has come crashing down like a balloon with no boy in it. One of Mariah's friends sold her the hell out by giving TMZ a bunch of text messages where she says that some other dude named Robbie is the father of her baby and she wants him in her kid's life. Mariah also promises to give her friend a cut of the cash if he keeps his mouth shut. THE JIG JIG JIG IS UP!
The person to whom Mariah Yeater sent the text asked us to blur his name -- we'll call him John. He has been in touch with Yeater regularly ... even before the baby was born on July 6.
In the text, Yeater pleads for John to "ERASE ALL MESSAGES from my mom." The text goes on to say that her mom sent John messages in the past, stating that baby Tristyn was fathered by Robbie -- an ex-boyfriend.
She then goes on to talk about giving John money if he cooperates: "Ill kick u when we get paid."
All of her texts end with Mariah Laci-- Laci is Mariah's middle name.
John tells us he's already shared this information with Howard Weitzman, Justin Bieber's lawyer.
Weitzman tells TMZ, "This information proves Mariah Yeater fabricated the story. Our independent investigation indicates Ms. Yeater never meet Justin, she has consistently identified another man as the child's father, and Ms. Yeater and her co-conspirators hatched this scheme in order to extort money from him and to sell her story to the media."
Weitzman adds, "There have been no settlement discussions and there never will be."
What kind of self-respecting gold digging con artist leaves a text trail? You're supposed to conduct all of your bribery (Biebery?) discussions in an empty steam sauna. That way nobody can wear a wiretap and your pores get cleansed in the process. I swear. Pimp Mama Kris, come and get this dumb dumb and teach her your con artist ways, because she's a skid mark on the profession. Unless.....
Maybe The Lesbeaver has already paid Mariah off and this is just the grand finale to wrap everything up and make it go away forever. That would mean Mariah is a master schemer after all. Nope, can't be. Any ho who spells the name Tristan "T-R-Y-S-T-Y-N" can't be that good.
Here's The Lesbeaver on the Spanish show El Hormiguero yesterday. You can laugh all you want, but you won't be spitting out HAHAs in a few months when that purple puppet is knocked up on the cover of HOLA! magazine and crying about how Justin scissored a baby into it in a backstage bathroom.
He may have foisted the Kardashians on us but Ryan Gaycrest kept the best one for himself. - OurMissC
After religion disappeared and myths were shattered, this is what happened to Santa Claus. - Chris Knight
When Jakey Gyllenhaal finally decided to come out of the closet in 2030, all the years of pent-up gayness erupted in one glorious and sassy torrent of glittery fabulousness. - YourClothesAreDead
This is what happens when Donatella is fed after midnight. - Darknight
Note: My NSFW handbook didn't say anything about fake nipples or a panty hose penis skirt, but I still put it behind a cut just in case. It's better to be safe than fired, I guess. GO!